Yoga

I guess I would just forget about him. Too much baggage (near to be ex wife) and a weeks sobriety is NOTHING.

He's just trying play you, have his cake and eat it too. Please don't play. Take care of you.

manicpanic156

I don't think anyone is shaming you at all just trying to help you see clearly the reality of the situation that you cannot because it is clouded in pain and loss. You see him and feel him as the only person that can stop the pain you are and not make you go through the loss of the relationship. That is all he brings to the table for you. The vets here are just telling you this. You have posted here a lot and received a lot of advice and help from perfect strangers. This was done out of the kindness of their hearts...

My own story does not have a happy ending either. He was the man of my dreams, the sweetest guy I've ever known - a huge huge heart. Well, in the beginning. As the years past and the addiction took over, that began to slowly change. When I first noticed the problem, I did generic research on the subject and went with the tough love approach. I kicked him out until he was sober and could prove it including aa mtgs and counseling. We have 2 kids and wonderful amazing life together (When he is sober). It was NOT easy, not by a long shot. He left for 6 weeks and came back a changed man. Began working out, eating healthy, became very involved with the kids, and seemed so much happier/calmer. It was a NO BRAINER to me that he would remain sober and we would live happily ever after.

But then one day he decided he could handle a beer - and who was I to say no? I don't control him. Oh how I would learn that lesson later on. And for a while it seemed under control. Until it wasn't. And the old behavior came back with a vengenance, almost WORST the second go around. I threatened to kick him out again and was met with screaming PLEAS and I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN DRINK EVERRRR. I LOOOOVVVE YOUOUUUUUU. Me and the kids are his entire life, his whole world. And for awhile, he quit. Started meetings back up. Probably a 5 to 6 months it went well.

Until again, he was out the with some coworkers at a bar and of course someone buys him a beer and he can't refuse. And so it begins, all over again.

And this time he immediately went back to the vodka and the verbal abuse became flat out horrific. I have no clue what changed or why it got SO bad with the abuse but it only escalated. I became the reason he couldn't drink and have fun. I became the reason he was so angry at the world.

And guess what. 4 years later after I was convinced I would have a happy ending to share...He is again moved out - making "Real changes this time I swear it!"

So, go ahead and ignore all the advice, go ahead and give him another chance. Go ahead proclaim that you didn't know how bad alcoholism actually is even though so many have told you now. (I read that in another thread you started that you didn't have a clue how bad it could get well now you do and you are STILL considering it) You will learn only on your own. (((HUGS)))

TalenCrowhaven

^This.

We codependents are as sick as our counterparts. Seems that the only real difference is an addict avoids healthy reality their way, and a codie does it another. As long as we concentrate on them, we never have to deal with ourselves. If we get away from one addict or narc, we will simply move on to another. Like an alcoholic switching brands of booze. ..until we do our own work.

A good way to rephrase what is being written in the threads, is to substitute "he/him/his' pronouns in all of your posts to read instead "my drug of choice".

If we don't seek help for ourselves, we will only escape our current situation for a different (yet strangely identical) In-The-Flesh bottle of booze.

Txjeepguy

Best of luck to you. No one is trying to shame you, just giving you the cold hard reality.

redatlanta

I don't see that anyone has been harsh with you, we have been honest with you about our own situations.

I see your above post contains support of him.......after many posts detailing his horrific actions toward you. I would be shocked if anyone here thought this was a good idea. When you start trying to pick out the good things, and ignore the bad ones, its not a good ending.

Anyways, projecting toward the forum that we have been harsh, and that this not be the right place to for you, lightbulbs that when anyone doesn't agree with you (its clear that's what you want), then you decide this may not be a correct fit.

I think most of us have gone back with SO's when we shouldn't have. We get it, know why, been there, done it and got the medal. No one is judging you, and you do have to walk your own path. Want to try it, then go for it. If it works out great! If it doesn't we understand that too from our own ES & H.

dandylion

Kaya.....just want you to know that I never wanted you to feel "shame". My words were not intended to have that effect......
Felling shame feels awful!
I believe that,those of us, who have followed your journey, have done so out of sincere caring..as well as empathy---remembering when we struggled with the same thing...
I would say the same things to my own daughter or my best girlfriend if I saw her in danger of heartbreak.

Now, to be honest....I did expect that you might be angry....lol...that happens a LOT around here....
This is a place of veterans...and some of the still walking wounded.....
As a result, we tend to tell the realities as we see it and as we have experienced it...straight up (no ice).....

I can remember, myself, being very angry (secretly), at some friends who didn't see my boyfriend of almost 4yrs. in the same light as I did.
But, now, all these years later, I realize that they loved me enough to be honest. It stung when they turned out to be right...and, he truly was not the one for me...not a bad guy...just not the right one for me.....

I have done the same for other friends....and they got mad at me, also.....
Yes, I knew that they were hurting...and, I hurt for them,....but, friends tell friends the truth....
It is about love...not judgement...

I hope that some of the things that we have written and shared with you will stick...so that you can draw from it when needed......

sincerely,
dandylion

soinlove

Hello .. I understand where you are coming from,& have gotten some harsh responses myself. I think that each person has to live their life & make their own decisions... No one else has walked in the same shoes exactly.
If you are taking care of you & working on you, you can decide who to talk to and see... Whether it turns out great or not so much-- is a chance you have to decide on and live with.
I'm in a similar boat & have been criticized for" not being able to be mad at this man"... But I am what I am and love who I love ... & at this point am willing to take chances ... We only live once!
Keep your chin up, work on you & live your life for you ..

Expanding

I am fairly new here and so I understand what you are saying about harsh responses. As I recover and work on myself, truly admitting and feeling that I am powerless over his drinking, the responses no longer feel harsh. I have even gone back and reread responses to see if my perspective on them had changed and every time so far, they had. It was that I was hearing a lesson I wasn't ready to learn. Once I learned the lesson, my perspective changed.

You are receiving advice from people who have "been there done that" and are trying to answer a question that you asked honestly. It is not what you wanted to hear but I don't see anyone here trying to shame you! Everyone here just wants the best for you.

dandylion

****....here is a song that I imagine expresses how you are feeling, right now......www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HhzMRMAhXU

dandylion

honeypig

Expanding, your reply mirrors my own thoughts at various points in my recovery. At times I did feel people were being harsh w/me--they clearly didn't understand my special situation, they didn't see how my A and I were different from others. I surely did feel offended at times.

It's funny how the longer I hung out here, the more people seemed to understand me. Their replies seemed to make more and more sense. Well, I thought, they must be starting to know me and my unique situation now!

Ummm---NO. I was the one who was beginning to change. I was beginning to understand what these wise, patient, insightful people were telling me, at last. When I re-read old threads, I found that the very posts that had pi$$ed me off the most were by far the most helpful ones. Blunt, honest, calling me out on my crap--but by far the most useful.

Check this thread for more on that topic: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html

LK, if you came here looking for help, looking to learn, then you have to accept that you're going to be moving outside your comfort zone. And that may be painful and scary at times. Like they say in Alanon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

If "looking for support" means that you only want replies from those who will tell you you're doing the right thing, then your sponsor might be correct, this may not be the place for you. If you want frank discussion, honest opinions and open sharing, there is no place better you could be.

Only you know what you really want right now--a bandaid to put over the hurt place so you don't see it or think about it, or the painful cleaning of the wound so that it can truly heal.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

AnvilheadII

i remember when i was starting to want to quit crack and joined a forum for crack recovery. i'd share how we were using LESS, and ONLY on eh weekends (ahem, mostly, not ALWAYS of course) and yay go me. and those SOBs had the NERVE to tell me it didn't matter, I WAS STILL USING.

pffft. what did they know? welp, turns out they knew how to NOT USE and all i knew was how to keep using. and if i wanted what they had i needed to open my mind to what they had to share with me. the ES&S that they FREELY shared with me.

thank God and the other addicts who cared enough - just shy of 9 years clean off that crap. that was one mean hombre.

alcoholics wife

Hi kaya, my AH just came back from rehab. I do see a big change in him. I wish this sobriety can last forever but I am a realist and I need to tell myself everyday that there is a huge chance that it won't last forever. We went out to dinner last night. My AH ordered a ginger ale, the waiter brought out an alcoholic ginger beer!!! My AH was about the take a sip when I grabbed the bottle because I noticed 4% alcohol! Oh so how easily a waiter's mistake may have resulted in a relapse. Really, any billion different scenarios can result in a relapse. We are all vulnerable and fragile. Love especially makes us fragile. Love makes us become defensive so we protect our hearts. Alcoholics use the same defence mechanisms when a Codie tries to tear them apart from their liquor. Just know we are all coming from a similar place. All we can do is project our experiences. The end is a show of love, that we wouldn't wish for another (even a stranger) to go through pain.

ladyscribbler

Kaya, sorry if my response seemed harsh. I just don't know if you're seeing this man clearly. I wore those rosy love goggles for a long time.

I found this site when I Googled "how to make someone stop drinking." No kidding. I really did that. It seems pretty funny now, but at the time I was dead serious.

I didn't even have the courage to register here. I just lurked and read and cried. I didn't register until after I left my ex. And I didn't get to Al Anon until a month later. Too chicken. So I admire your courage. Even if SR isn't for you, I hope you stick with Al Anon meetings and your recovery. You're worth the effort, no matter what anyone else says or does.

LovelyKaya33333

yes ..made me cry.. thank you for this

LeeJane

People are doing you the courtesy of being honest. They are not being harsh.

Telling you a honey coated version of reality is dishonest.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this wonderful site. it is helping me to read them. Getting better insight on myself.

LexieCat

One thing, Kaya,

However "harsh" some of these posts sound, NONE of them is judging you. We have all done similar things and gotten stuck on similar obstacles. We're sharing the benefit of our experience. And the thing is, people told US the same things we are telling you. But sometimes we aren't ready to hear it or really believe it applies to us. I think most of us have to learn our lessons the hard way--I sure did.

But do try to keep an open mind and I hope you won't leave just because we are sharing with you honestly. Some day, you may be ready to accept some of these hard realities, and when you are, it will help you to know that we survived them and you can, too!

None of us thinks you are stupid. Dreams are VERY hard to let go of, and it's very hard to see someone we care about drinking their life away. One thing to remember, your happiness does NOT depend on his getting sober, or on the relationship working out. You can decide you are going to take care of YOUR life, and he can join you on the path or not.

Hugs,

manicpanic156

When I first came here I felt like the responses were incredibly harsh as well. I had the idea that I could live with an active alcoholic and just stay separated. Pretty much everyone told me it was a terrible idea and it turned out to be dead on accurate.

But just like no one here can get an alcoholic to stop drinking, no one can keep you from seeing him again. He is your "drug", the only person that can cure the pain you are in and make the loss go away. It feels good and you seek that in the same exact way an alcoholic needs his fix. It is easy for you to tell yourself that "well its LOVE, what we had was SPECIAL" and your brain just takes that and runs with it.

In time, the path becomes clearer....I do hope you stick around because this group of people have so much insight and wisdom to share.

Seren

Hello Kaya,

I'm sorry that your life is really in so much turmoil right now. I know that the pain you feel is huge! I know that the kind of pain you are feeling can seem like an endless, boundless, dark cloud covering every aspect of your life...as though it has no end...as though it will never, ever go away and that there is nothing you can do to get out of it or get it go go away. It's like a constant presence of every hour of every day. The exhaustion from all that turmoil is palpable in your posts.

I also realize that it may feel that no one else on the planet has experienced the kind of pain you are feeling...that none of us can possibly understand it and that what you are feeling is bigger, harder, more painful than anything anyone else has felt in the world--that we will just never get it.

How, you ask, can I possibly be describing part of what you feel? Because I, too, have been in this kind of pain. I still am...I lost my beloved husband (not an alcoholic) in October of last year. He died suddenly and unexpectedly without any signs of health problems--without my being able to say "I love you! Good-bye!". From the morning to the evening of that day, my life, my future changed, and I had no control over it.

My dreams and hopes for our future died that day. My days have been filled with a dark cloud that does not feel as though it will ever go away. I have been left wondering how on Earth am I going to continue--what possible joy can there be in life without him? What is my life even going to be going forward from here? I'm scared. I don't know how to proceed some days. It is a daily struggle right now.

What helps me the most is to try to look outside of myself as much as possible. I know that I am not the only person who feels this way. My pain is no greater or lesser than any of the people in France whose lives have been altered instantaneously and forever because of the various attacks that have occurred there.

The pain that many of the women and men in this community have experienced because they were/are involved with active alcoholics is equivalent to the pain that you feel.

I don't know what your future will hold with this man that you love. But...I think your best shot, as Lexi has said, is to heal and grow and learn to be the best version of yourself you can be. Hopefully, he will be inspired to also become the best version of himself as well. Then, you may have a chance to have a beautiful and healthy relationship together.

I really do wish you all the best, Kaya, and there is no shame in loving someone. I hope you will always believe that you deserve a happy and joyous life!! My experience has been that it may or may not take on the form that you currently hope. Sending many hugs and prayers!

dandylion

One saying, in these parts. that bears remembering........
When reading posts......"Take what is helpful, and leave the rest".......

dandylion

alwayscovering

I'm sorry you feel like people are shaming you for how you feel. Reading all the replies I don't feel like that's what's happening but that's just my perception of what I read.

do you think maybe you feel some of the replies are harsh because they aren't what you think you want to hear? I feel like you want someone to tell you "Yes, one day this will all work out and everything will be fine." but that may not be the truth. Sometimes it's hard to hear.

Here are the questions I would ask myself(and did before deciding to give my husband an opportunity to get help before I bailed):

1. Can I forgive him for all that he has done to me?
If you can, then ask yourself:
2. What does he add to my life? (positive things)
3. What do I add to his life? (positive things)

If he brings more negative stuff to your life than positive that's a no go sweetie you deserve soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than that.

I hope this helps.