rae145

I was married for 31 yrs and 11 Mos when we divorced. I found out today that my xah has a gf (a childhood sweethweart). I am so sad and angry. It's not the first time I've felt betrayed by him. He never even bought me a wedding ring. I am mad at myself as well for staying that long. Even though I initiated the divorce I'm beginning to think I'll be lonely the rest of my life. Naturally this woman is a step up from me in wealth, looks, and demeanor. I feel lost

CentralOhioDad

And she now has the damaged goods you were able to jettison. Who is in better shape now??

That pretty face doesn't stand a chance against a bottle. And her wealth might be lost fueling his addiction.

firebolt

^^ What he said.

If you step away from your emotions, and look at the logical, 20,000 foot view, remember all the hell he put you through, and the fact that alcoholism progresses, you'll just be left feeling sorry for her.

That sting you are feeling is just you, feeling replaced. If alcohol and crappy behavior came before you and your marriage, it will be a priority above her as well.

Hang in there - friends and family and activities we love fill that lonely void....and then we become healthy enough and happy enough on our own to enter a healthy and reciprocal partnership.

(((HUGS))) I know it stings.

Wisconsin

another vote for "be glad it isn't you."

My STBXAH was MY post-divorce reunion with a childhood sweetheart. I can promise you that my STBXAH didn't treat me any better than he treated previous women in his life, and your AXH won't, either. As much as you can, try to put it out of your mind and occupy yourself with loved ones and hobbies.

(And I won't lie...there have been a few indications that my STBXAH has gotten back out there in the singles scene, and while I would never want anyone to go through what I went through, part of me will be relieved when he turns his attention elsewhere and OFF of me.)

bluelily

I was the new gf-former childhood sweetheart after my xabf´s divorce as well, and it was not pretty. Though of course he let everybody know that now things were different because with me it was special and he should´ve married me in the first place when we were young and blah blah.
But you know what, we only lasted 1 and a half year together (though I was stressed out much sooner than that) and now I can only empathize with his ex wife (whom I don´t even know) for everything she must´ve gone through.

Also, now that I think about it, in private he liked to make me feel insecure comparing me with her.

rae145

Thanks to all of you for responding. It has helped me today. I know im upset that a shared life of 31 + years is over.

Mountainmanbob

Contrary to popular beliefs I think the healthy thing to do (hard at first) is to wish for the best for everyone. The ex and his new old friend etc etc etc. . There is a release in loving our enemies which Only God can explain. When I truly hoped and prayed for happiness for my ex's I was in time relieved from the pain caused by the unhealthy relationships.

Just a thought from yet another angle.

Mountainman

dandylion

rae.....it seems to be a normal human reaction to feel weird when one hears about an ex with someone else. It is rooted in primitive biology (territorial stuff).....
but, it is temporary...it goes away

For your edification....reunions with childhood sweethearts, has an almost zero chance of working out......

do you think she has a damaged picker......?
...lol....

dandylion

honeypig

rae, I'm going to trot out the story of the moldy sandwich here.

Some time ago, another SR member was in the same situation you are, feeling the same feelings you are feeling. The thread she started was similar to yours. Someone posted this wise thought:

I try to think of it this way- If I threw a moldy sandwich in a Dumpster, would I really be jealous of the person who was so starved for crumbs that they would dive in the Dumpster to pick it up?

And to me, that says it all. Things are not miraculously different. He is not a totally different guy. He's just putting on the same act that you saw back in the beginning, and she's falling for it just like you did. There's no reason to believe the story will be substantially different as it unfolds this time...

I'm sure your heart hurts--31 years is a long time. I hope you can let this go soon and return to your own happy life.

Thomas45

While I understand that you were with him for a long time, the reality is that you are divorced. He has the right to pursue other relationships at this point, that's kind of one of the major points of getting a divorce.

What have you been doing to focus on you being happy with you?

rae145

You're right Thomas! That is a major point of getting a divorce and he does have the right to pursue other relationships. Thanks for the schooling

Bekindalways

Take care of yourself Rae. It does hurt but this will pass.

It is so unfortunate that there are so many of us that will pick up that moldy sandwich. Sigh. Who knows we may see this new gf here on SR in a few months or years.

dandylion

^^^^^lol......
dandylion

redatlanta

One man's trash, is just another man's trash.

Or woman's

alwayscovering

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Have you tried blocking him on social media and asking people not to talk to you about him. It might help to be unaware of his activities.

maia1234

Rae,
I am sorry, I am sure it hurts real bad. You have to remember, he was a train wreck with you and he will continue to be a train wreck without you. Nothing much has changed.
Sending hugs, we have all been there.

Carol Star

I had a therapist tell me (while going through my divorce) to draw a circle- then put a line down the middle- then write judge on one side- and write victim on the other side--------NOW GET OUT OF THE CIRCLE......
It helps.......

Carol Star

I heard in an Alanon workshop- take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it- now write everything they ever did to you on the left- now write on the right side how you reacted. NOW----- tear it down the middle and THROW AWAY the left side... !! ....MY part is "my reaction"- and that is what I get to work on.....what I can control.

rae145

Thanks everyone for responding. I've made an appt with a counselor for tomorrow and have attended several mtgs. It's just crazy to think I'm heartbroken about this.

Expanding

I went through something similar in March. It may not be what you want to hear but time and space will help tremendously. Start focusing on yourself (you'll be amazed at how little you actually do that once you try to make it a habit) and the fog will start lifting and things will make so much more sense.