New, looking for advice on boundaries
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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New, looking for advice on boundaries
I have searched a little bit through some threads and some sticky info but not all of it yet. I thought I would come in and introduce myself and story and get some specific example on boundaries with my husband regarding our son.
Here's my info, will try to keep it short.
Husband has always been a drinker. I myself was too. I was a concerned about his drinking before we got married. He never gets angry but he just checks out mentally, like he isn't even there, just a shell of him. We had basic premarital counseling with the pastor who married us who also happens to be my husband's friend from when they were kids. Although I brought up his drinking then, nothing was discussed about it nor changed.
Fast forward into 5 years of marriage and some rocky times with my in-laws and fighting with my husband about how his mother was crossing some boundaries with our son as well as a new demanding position at his job, his drinking got worse. A couple of months ago, I told him I was worried about his health (he has gained weight, he already has high BP, he is now getting acid reflux coughs and he sleeps on the couch elevated after a binge). I wanted both of us to get into shape and to be each others encourager. I never nagged him or at least I didn't think I did. Well after that conversation, he started sneaking his drinking. Not all the time, but mostly his week day drinking. I eventual told him I knew he was doing it and that I was concerned he was hiding it. That of course didn't change anything either, well actually, it made it worse and I began to really start paying attention to the liquor levels on our bottles. I stopped drinking myself because I didn't want to enable him, since if I have a drink, he will not be able to resist having one too. He doesn't drink every day but damn near it. The weekends are really bad. I will go to bed no later than midnight and he stays up to 3am sometimes drinking whiskey almost straight. His drinks are STRONG!!!! We never get time to be intimate because most of the time we have is in the morning and that is when he is sleeping in and sleeping it off. So our sex life has whittled away. But the worse part was a mini vacation I planned for us. It was our son's first night away from home, in a motel, he didn't do so well. But instead of my husband sticking around and being responsible to his son he sat at the pool with another person who was with us and drank for an hour and half. It was only after I texted him that we needed him and some support that he came to the room to help settle our son down. The next day when were out doing an activity, the moment our son fell asleep for a nap we made a plan that my husband would go do something and come right back to where me and our napping son were. Well he left, did his thing, and then ran off to get alcohol. When he came back I questioned him and he had a lame excuse. After awhile he asked me if I was mad at him and I told him I am starting to get concerned about his choices. That it seemed drinking was more important. He said he thought everything was fine and he didn't know our son was freaking out the night before. I said, "but you didn't stick around to find out. You actually came back into the room to get a drink, saw he was still up and upset and you left again." He actually said, "I just wanted to have a drink." I said, "yeah, well I want to do a lot of things, but we have a responsibility. It's not just about me, but about our son."
When we got back home from our vacation, we both showered at the same time. He had poured himself a glass of tea before the shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed that the cup was filled higher. I ran over to take a drink and sure enough he had filled it up with vodka right before he jumped into the shower. I literally got in a minute before him. I said, "Can I ask you a question? Why are you sneaking around drinking?" At first he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, I said "babe, come on", seriously not condescendingly (I try to be very delicate to make sure he knows I'm concerned, not judging). He finally admitted he feels ashamed and that he feels like he is letting me down. He started then saying I make him feel like he isn't allowed to drink. I told him this isn't on me. This is your decision. He admitted that was true and that maybe he was self inflicting my expectations of him on himself.
Anyway, at this point I don't expect it to get any better. I just need some help with boundaries with my son. I don't want to put him in harms way obviously. I want to protect him from this as much as I can. He is not even 2 years old yet. I was thinking about going to Al-Anon but I don't want to even leave our son in his care because I don't know if he will have a drink. I don't even want him to have even 1 drink if he is watching him alone but I don't trust that he won't.
I know I am not probably handling this properly yet. I hope to get better with not letting him affect me, not reacting to him so that I am enabling (I was being martyr-ish, sulking when he was sneaking around). Any advice is welcomed. I need help. I have no clue what I am doing. I read some boundaries about not washing the glasses he uses to drink with. I like that. I also think it's fair that I will not contribute to buying it (which I never have, he always has a stockpile he takes care of) or take him to go get alcohol, I am thinking I am going to start distancing myself from him when he starts drinking. We have a very small home, but that's ok. When I excuse myself, should I tell him why? He will ask I am sure and want to know if something is wrong.
Here's my info, will try to keep it short.
Husband has always been a drinker. I myself was too. I was a concerned about his drinking before we got married. He never gets angry but he just checks out mentally, like he isn't even there, just a shell of him. We had basic premarital counseling with the pastor who married us who also happens to be my husband's friend from when they were kids. Although I brought up his drinking then, nothing was discussed about it nor changed.
Fast forward into 5 years of marriage and some rocky times with my in-laws and fighting with my husband about how his mother was crossing some boundaries with our son as well as a new demanding position at his job, his drinking got worse. A couple of months ago, I told him I was worried about his health (he has gained weight, he already has high BP, he is now getting acid reflux coughs and he sleeps on the couch elevated after a binge). I wanted both of us to get into shape and to be each others encourager. I never nagged him or at least I didn't think I did. Well after that conversation, he started sneaking his drinking. Not all the time, but mostly his week day drinking. I eventual told him I knew he was doing it and that I was concerned he was hiding it. That of course didn't change anything either, well actually, it made it worse and I began to really start paying attention to the liquor levels on our bottles. I stopped drinking myself because I didn't want to enable him, since if I have a drink, he will not be able to resist having one too. He doesn't drink every day but damn near it. The weekends are really bad. I will go to bed no later than midnight and he stays up to 3am sometimes drinking whiskey almost straight. His drinks are STRONG!!!! We never get time to be intimate because most of the time we have is in the morning and that is when he is sleeping in and sleeping it off. So our sex life has whittled away. But the worse part was a mini vacation I planned for us. It was our son's first night away from home, in a motel, he didn't do so well. But instead of my husband sticking around and being responsible to his son he sat at the pool with another person who was with us and drank for an hour and half. It was only after I texted him that we needed him and some support that he came to the room to help settle our son down. The next day when were out doing an activity, the moment our son fell asleep for a nap we made a plan that my husband would go do something and come right back to where me and our napping son were. Well he left, did his thing, and then ran off to get alcohol. When he came back I questioned him and he had a lame excuse. After awhile he asked me if I was mad at him and I told him I am starting to get concerned about his choices. That it seemed drinking was more important. He said he thought everything was fine and he didn't know our son was freaking out the night before. I said, "but you didn't stick around to find out. You actually came back into the room to get a drink, saw he was still up and upset and you left again." He actually said, "I just wanted to have a drink." I said, "yeah, well I want to do a lot of things, but we have a responsibility. It's not just about me, but about our son."
When we got back home from our vacation, we both showered at the same time. He had poured himself a glass of tea before the shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed that the cup was filled higher. I ran over to take a drink and sure enough he had filled it up with vodka right before he jumped into the shower. I literally got in a minute before him. I said, "Can I ask you a question? Why are you sneaking around drinking?" At first he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, I said "babe, come on", seriously not condescendingly (I try to be very delicate to make sure he knows I'm concerned, not judging). He finally admitted he feels ashamed and that he feels like he is letting me down. He started then saying I make him feel like he isn't allowed to drink. I told him this isn't on me. This is your decision. He admitted that was true and that maybe he was self inflicting my expectations of him on himself.
Anyway, at this point I don't expect it to get any better. I just need some help with boundaries with my son. I don't want to put him in harms way obviously. I want to protect him from this as much as I can. He is not even 2 years old yet. I was thinking about going to Al-Anon but I don't want to even leave our son in his care because I don't know if he will have a drink. I don't even want him to have even 1 drink if he is watching him alone but I don't trust that he won't.
I know I am not probably handling this properly yet. I hope to get better with not letting him affect me, not reacting to him so that I am enabling (I was being martyr-ish, sulking when he was sneaking around). Any advice is welcomed. I need help. I have no clue what I am doing. I read some boundaries about not washing the glasses he uses to drink with. I like that. I also think it's fair that I will not contribute to buying it (which I never have, he always has a stockpile he takes care of) or take him to go get alcohol, I am thinking I am going to start distancing myself from him when he starts drinking. We have a very small home, but that's ok. When I excuse myself, should I tell him why? He will ask I am sure and want to know if something is wrong.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
I am sorry that you are raising a small child with someone who is only available to help co-parent part time. I was in the same situation as you and I also had the same questions about boundries. It took me a long time to understand that boundries are not for the alocoholic, they are for you.... For example, if it bothers you to be around your husband when he is drinking, leaving is a boundary for you. You will not accept it because it does not make you feel happy. Another example, you not trusting him with your child and not leaving your child alone with him is for you so you can feel secure and safe. Try writing things down that you can do that will make you feel safe and secure. Those are boundries. Make sure that when you come up with a list that you truly are willing and able to follow through.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I so know how you feel as I have a young son too who was your son's age when I went through the first bout of this. I would agree, not to leave your child alone with him - he is actively drinking and clearly not responsible and priority #1 is your little boy. I know this becomes an inconvenience because there are many time when you need to rely on someone for help with a child, but unfortunately he is not the one to do that now. I so feel for you and my boy is now almost 7 but I'm in the same boat again as my AH relapsed. You have a right to peace and quiet and for your child and you to feel safe. A good ground rule is that he cannot be around you if drinking. This is one I put in place years ago and even now when AH is drinking himself in oblivion he is doing it with him mother at her house. At least it's not in our presence. You deserve peace of mind. I'm so sorry and know all too well what you are enduring.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hello, lana - welcome 
I understand your situation with having an AH and a young son. Our son also is under 2, and I am not comfortable with AH watching him alone. Do you have any family/friends that you trust to watch him while you go to a meeting? Even if just once per week. I have done that. Also, a few meetings around here offer child care. Maybe you have one near you?
Another option as far as a support group could be your church. Not sure how involved you are, but the church I am now a member of has small groups, many of which allow kids. Even if you do not immediately open up about specifics of what you are struggling with, it is very nice (and NECESSARY, I am learning
) to surround yourself with kind and caring people who can help in a time of need.
Build a support group for yourself.
I understand your situation with having an AH and a young son. Our son also is under 2, and I am not comfortable with AH watching him alone. Do you have any family/friends that you trust to watch him while you go to a meeting? Even if just once per week. I have done that. Also, a few meetings around here offer child care. Maybe you have one near you?
Another option as far as a support group could be your church. Not sure how involved you are, but the church I am now a member of has small groups, many of which allow kids. Even if you do not immediately open up about specifics of what you are struggling with, it is very nice (and NECESSARY, I am learning
) to surround yourself with kind and caring people who can help in a time of need. Build a support group for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lanagirl.....I ho[e that you continue to read through all the stickies...especially the ones in "Classic Readings".....there is a lot to know about this disease...so that you will know what you are up against......
Yes, boundaries are a tool that can help you to gain some emotional distance and some space to focus on your self and your child...
Getting help for yourself is so essential......
Alcoholism is progressive....so unless he is willing to get into and adhere to a recovery program...this is l ikely as good as it is going to be....
Even at your son's young age...they absorb the tensions of the home and in their parents l ike little sponges....it affects them at a very early age.....
I hope that you will stay around and read and post and Learn...
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
Yes, boundaries are a tool that can help you to gain some emotional distance and some space to focus on your self and your child...
Getting help for yourself is so essential......
Alcoholism is progressive....so unless he is willing to get into and adhere to a recovery program...this is l ikely as good as it is going to be....
Even at your son's young age...they absorb the tensions of the home and in their parents l ike little sponges....it affects them at a very early age.....
I hope that you will stay around and read and post and Learn...
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 7
Hey guys! Thanks for the replies. I wanted to get back sooner. Things have been hectic around here. We just had a party for my husband's 40th and I was super busy with it. Of course he had a ball drinking as much as he wanted.
Anyway in response to the boundaries stuff, I am having a little bit of a hard time on how to handle it with him. The other night he had been drinking, he wasn't drunk but I am sure he had a buzz going. I had to run some errands and came back and he was drinking a beer. I am not sure how much he had while I was gone. But when it came time to bathe our son I opted to do it. He kept saying over and over he would do it because I was running all day and exhausted and I just kept telling him that I would do it. He tried very much to get me to change my mind. I think he knew I was taking over since I saw him drinking. I don't think he cared for it too much. Ya know because he doesn't think he has a problem.
So regarding the suggestions you gave me, if I decide to leave when he is drinking what do I do? Do I tell him why? Do I take my son with me? Do I leave the room or the house entirely with son in tow? This is going to start a war I fear. I will be honest, I'm scared of his response not physically or anything like that, but I am concerned he is going to try to start being possessive over our son, like trying to shut me out and take over. I can't explain it but he has done this before when we weren't getting along regarding his mother and her interfering with my mothering.
I am not sure still at this moment on how to get help. I have looked into Al-anon and Celebrate Recovery...honestly I am trying to keep all this hidden from him at the moment. So I am using online resources as much as possible because I will have to tell him if I go to an actual meeting. I have watched some Celebrate Recovery YouTube videos. I will try to get help somehow. In the meantime, I am a Stay at Home Mom and I now need to start looking for a job too right now.
He is still hiding the drinking (at least the liquor drinking, the beer drinking is out in the open). I searched his car and found a bottle of rum and a flask in the trunk. Sigh.
Thanks for listening and the help!
Anyway in response to the boundaries stuff, I am having a little bit of a hard time on how to handle it with him. The other night he had been drinking, he wasn't drunk but I am sure he had a buzz going. I had to run some errands and came back and he was drinking a beer. I am not sure how much he had while I was gone. But when it came time to bathe our son I opted to do it. He kept saying over and over he would do it because I was running all day and exhausted and I just kept telling him that I would do it. He tried very much to get me to change my mind. I think he knew I was taking over since I saw him drinking. I don't think he cared for it too much. Ya know because he doesn't think he has a problem.
So regarding the suggestions you gave me, if I decide to leave when he is drinking what do I do? Do I tell him why? Do I take my son with me? Do I leave the room or the house entirely with son in tow? This is going to start a war I fear. I will be honest, I'm scared of his response not physically or anything like that, but I am concerned he is going to try to start being possessive over our son, like trying to shut me out and take over. I can't explain it but he has done this before when we weren't getting along regarding his mother and her interfering with my mothering.
I am not sure still at this moment on how to get help. I have looked into Al-anon and Celebrate Recovery...honestly I am trying to keep all this hidden from him at the moment. So I am using online resources as much as possible because I will have to tell him if I go to an actual meeting. I have watched some Celebrate Recovery YouTube videos. I will try to get help somehow. In the meantime, I am a Stay at Home Mom and I now need to start looking for a job too right now.
He is still hiding the drinking (at least the liquor drinking, the beer drinking is out in the open). I searched his car and found a bottle of rum and a flask in the trunk. Sigh.
Thanks for listening and the help!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Absolutely, take you son with you, when you leave your AH's presence. Your AH is showing you that he makes bad choices, and you can't keep your son safe from those bad choices if you're not there with him. It doesn't sound like you AH wants to stop drinking, so he'll continue to hide it, so he can keep everything just as it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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lanagirl.....a couple of things about boundaries....
It is your choice to tell the boundary, or NOT.....a boundary is entirely your thing..it is for you and to protect you....
Do not make a boundary that you have n o intention to enforce....it is your responsibility to enforce....it is not the other persons responsibility to honor it --they may choose to--but, they don't HAVE to....
When you establish boundaries for your own welfare...expect that others may not like to see the change in you. They may give you shade...they may object....
I just hate to see a person deny themselves help...just to appease someone else. You are just as important as any other person...including him.....
(this is a different situation if he is abusive, though).....
If I were in your shoes...and, this is just me....I would tell him that I am going to attend a personal improvement group.....(that ain't no lie).....
dandylion
It is your choice to tell the boundary, or NOT.....a boundary is entirely your thing..it is for you and to protect you....
Do not make a boundary that you have n o intention to enforce....it is your responsibility to enforce....it is not the other persons responsibility to honor it --they may choose to--but, they don't HAVE to....
When you establish boundaries for your own welfare...expect that others may not like to see the change in you. They may give you shade...they may object....
I just hate to see a person deny themselves help...just to appease someone else. You are just as important as any other person...including him.....
(this is a different situation if he is abusive, though).....
If I were in your shoes...and, this is just me....I would tell him that I am going to attend a personal improvement group.....(that ain't no lie).....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 7
Ok, so if he starts drinking close the bedtime, clearly I can't just up and leave. Thankfully, husband reserves most his drinking in the afternoon and night. I can't exactly leave with son when his bedtime is coming. But if it is not bedtime and I decide to leave and make up a reason he might try to tag along, so I would have to tell him I want son and me to be away from him. He might not like that too much. I could very well see him thinking, "well, if she can just run off with our son without me against my wishes, I can do that same!" And then what do I do if he starts running off with my son even if I protest? See my predicament here? This isn't just about him being grumpy about boundaries, but retaliating if I do set them, whether I tell him what I am doing or not. He is the father it's not like I can just make sole decisions regarding our son.
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Again---do not state a boundary that you wont be able to enforce......
Boundarys are not intended to PUNISH another person...but to protect you and/or make life more bearable or better for you.....
If you can't leave and take the kid...you can't do it....
dandylion
Boundarys are not intended to PUNISH another person...but to protect you and/or make life more bearable or better for you.....
If you can't leave and take the kid...you can't do it....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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I know boundaries are there to protect me and my son. So if I am too concerned about my husband's retaliation, I should probably not leave with my son then when he drinks. He will see these boundaries as punishment regardless.
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lanagirl...I agree with you...I wouldn't leave a small child with a drunk husband....
I dare say that he will not l ike any boundaries that you enforce. You will have to decide what boundaries you are ready to set and enforce......
If you are in a situation where you feel that you cannot SAFELY have any boundaries for yourself----I would wonder if you are not in a VERY controlled relationship...and emotionally abusive one......
dandylion
I dare say that he will not l ike any boundaries that you enforce. You will have to decide what boundaries you are ready to set and enforce......
If you are in a situation where you feel that you cannot SAFELY have any boundaries for yourself----I would wonder if you are not in a VERY controlled relationship...and emotionally abusive one......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think properly used boundaries do not insure “success” to heal anyone, they can only protect your own personal dignity and restore sanity.
This in contrast to ultimatums, which seek to force someone else into doing what we want.
You don’t have to announce your boundaries to him as if they are rules, you simply just do them.
If his drinking to access annoys you then leave the room and go elsewhere in the home so that you are not having a front row seat to his actions.
If you feel leaving your son home alone with him could be dangerous for your son, then just don’t leave him with your husband.
This in contrast to ultimatums, which seek to force someone else into doing what we want.
You don’t have to announce your boundaries to him as if they are rules, you simply just do them.
If his drinking to access annoys you then leave the room and go elsewhere in the home so that you are not having a front row seat to his actions.
If you feel leaving your son home alone with him could be dangerous for your son, then just don’t leave him with your husband.
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I can have boundaries for myself. He won't care too much about that, it might make him a little uncomfortable, but once I start enforcing boundaries for myself AND my son, that's where the war will begin. I have a feeling he will not go down without a fight on that one. That's where "the control" will come in. I have already experienced it.
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I will not leave him with my son anymore as much as I can help it.
It's the making sure he isn't taking care of our son while he is drinking (even when I am around) and that I am doing the primary feeding, changing, bathing, playing, general care-taking of our son is where he will fight me.
It's the trying to leave with my son if I am annoyed with his drinking is where he will fight me.
I am not even sure what to do when we go out to do stuff, like a concert in the park, he is drinking then. The only control I have there is to make sure he doesn't drive us home, which I have done.
It's the making sure he isn't taking care of our son while he is drinking (even when I am around) and that I am doing the primary feeding, changing, bathing, playing, general care-taking of our son is where he will fight me.
It's the trying to leave with my son if I am annoyed with his drinking is where he will fight me.
I am not even sure what to do when we go out to do stuff, like a concert in the park, he is drinking then. The only control I have there is to make sure he doesn't drive us home, which I have done.
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I can see that you are very skitish about disrupting smooth waters.....
I read this to be a red flag that you feel very controlled by him...and, are afraid of him and/or his reactions to things......
I can imagine that you feel very cornered.....like your hands are tied, so to speak....
dandylion
I read this to be a red flag that you feel very controlled by him...and, are afraid of him and/or his reactions to things......
I can imagine that you feel very cornered.....like your hands are tied, so to speak....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Yes, I do feel like that. Like I said earlier, I can only do so much too since he has rights as a father. He already got peeved at me about taking over the bathing situation already once because he was drinking. He thinks I am punishing him because he chose to drink, so in a sense he thinks I am trying to take his kid time away from him for drinking. He doesn't look at it as I am trying to protect our child.
He thought the same thing when I was having problems with his mother, that I was punishing her. She was being very disrespectful towards me once our son was born. He took her side. We went to counseling. I wanted some time apart from the in-laws to work on our marital problems. He thought I was punishing them AND HIM. I claimed over and over that I was trying to fix our family problems, protect our little family, and address our issues and then the in-laws before we spent time with them. He thought I was punishing him and his mom. I wasn't. (Side note: this was during the holidays, so it added more pressure to an already extremely tense situation.) He even claimed I was doing it subconsciously and that maybe I didn't know it. He said this to me and to our counselor. Then he said he was going to take our child to see his family with or without my permission. He didn't care then about the damage it was going to do. He never did take him though. We managed to work through our problems with them and continue to do so in baby steps.
He thought the same thing when I was having problems with his mother, that I was punishing her. She was being very disrespectful towards me once our son was born. He took her side. We went to counseling. I wanted some time apart from the in-laws to work on our marital problems. He thought I was punishing them AND HIM. I claimed over and over that I was trying to fix our family problems, protect our little family, and address our issues and then the in-laws before we spent time with them. He thought I was punishing him and his mom. I wasn't. (Side note: this was during the holidays, so it added more pressure to an already extremely tense situation.) He even claimed I was doing it subconsciously and that maybe I didn't know it. He said this to me and to our counselor. Then he said he was going to take our child to see his family with or without my permission. He didn't care then about the damage it was going to do. He never did take him though. We managed to work through our problems with them and continue to do so in baby steps.
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I am not even sure what to do when we go out to do stuff, like a concert in the park, he is drinking then. The only control I have there is to make sure he doesn't drive us home, which I have done.
You seem to be debating with him on issues and debating with a drunk you might as well go debate a tree outside your house. They have no logic, they have to reason other than alcohol induced bla bla bla.
If his anger frightens you, that’s is a big red flag because once you begin to enforce YOUR boundaries he’s going to push back, have childish temper tantrums and it always gets worse before it gets better – if it ever gets any better.
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