Ex suddenly breaks "no contact" emotional cut off
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
But I know I cannot go through another relapse with her. When she relapses, she is incredibly verbally aggressive, angry and defiant of accepting any help, let alone admitting that there is a problem that she needs help for.
You have a boundary around relapse & she can literally NEVER guarantee that it won't happen (otherwise she's either short-sighted or lying) ... so where does that leave you?
When we make the decision to stay in a relationship with a recovering addict we HAVE to accept the possibility of a relapse. Otherwise we're the ones being short-sighted or lying.....
I'll be honest, your posts go on at length about all that she's done & all the validation & videos & links to back up all your research but I never hear a single word about your side of the street. A healthy person would have no problem walking away from all of this & a recovering person would know that this bit about the amends is pretty controlling behavior, IMO:
1. If she is not drinking, at all, and
2. If she is in a recovery program, and is committing to being in a recovery program for as long as it takes, and
3. If she has accepted that she cannot touch alcohol again, ever, for the rest of her life, no "social drinking" ever, and
4. If she is prepared to re-enter relationship counselling with me and take responsibility and make amends for the damage that she did while in that relapse.
2. If she is in a recovery program, and is committing to being in a recovery program for as long as it takes, and
3. If she has accepted that she cannot touch alcohol again, ever, for the rest of her life, no "social drinking" ever, and
4. If she is prepared to re-enter relationship counselling with me and take responsibility and make amends for the damage that she did while in that relapse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
At the end of the day, I see my ex getting back in contact with me as a positive sign that she is getting better and asserting her right to make her own decisions about who she communicates with, in a way which in her state of withdrawal which she was previously in, she had little hope of doing.
This is total assumption. Sorry guy, you don't know squat.
I hear anger toward her father, the guy who was financially supporting her. He who pays the bills make the rules. I see him as a big problem, If the FOO don't like you it makes for a very miserable life IF your SO has a relationship with them.
Honestly, I feel you are getting your hopes FAR up and are a bit in fairy tale mode. You have already written the story, You have determined she is sober, working a program, off the drugs, free of her parents, has established boundaries with them, and that she is interested in possible reconciliation. ????
If you are not willing to risk a relapse, if you never want to EVER go through one again, then you shouldn't be considering a recovering alcoholic or addict EVER. My husband relapsed after 10 YEARS sober. I can never say he never will again. I can only say, I will be gone if he does.
This is total assumption. Sorry guy, you don't know squat.
I hear anger toward her father, the guy who was financially supporting her. He who pays the bills make the rules. I see him as a big problem, If the FOO don't like you it makes for a very miserable life IF your SO has a relationship with them.
Honestly, I feel you are getting your hopes FAR up and are a bit in fairy tale mode. You have already written the story, You have determined she is sober, working a program, off the drugs, free of her parents, has established boundaries with them, and that she is interested in possible reconciliation. ????
If you are not willing to risk a relapse, if you never want to EVER go through one again, then you shouldn't be considering a recovering alcoholic or addict EVER. My husband relapsed after 10 YEARS sober. I can never say he never will again. I can only say, I will be gone if he does.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
At the end of the day, I see my ex getting back in contact with me as a positive sign that she is getting better and asserting her right to make her own decisions about who she communicates with, in a way which in her state of withdrawal which she was previously in, she had little hope of doing.
This is total assumption. Sorry guy, you don't know squat.
I hear anger toward her father, the guy who was financially supporting her. He who pays the bills make the rules. I see him as a big problem, If the FOO don't like you it makes for a very miserable life IF your SO has a relationship with them.
Honestly, I feel you are getting your hopes FAR up and are a bit in fairy tale mode. You have already written the story, You have determined she is sober, working a program, off the drugs, free of her parents, has established boundaries with them, and that she is interested in possible reconciliation. ????
If you are not willing to risk a relapse, if you never want to EVER go through one again, then you shouldn't be considering a recovering alcoholic or addict EVER. My husband relapsed after 10 YEARS sober. I can never say he never will again. I can only say, I will be gone if he does.
This is total assumption. Sorry guy, you don't know squat.
I hear anger toward her father, the guy who was financially supporting her. He who pays the bills make the rules. I see him as a big problem, If the FOO don't like you it makes for a very miserable life IF your SO has a relationship with them.
Honestly, I feel you are getting your hopes FAR up and are a bit in fairy tale mode. You have already written the story, You have determined she is sober, working a program, off the drugs, free of her parents, has established boundaries with them, and that she is interested in possible reconciliation. ????
If you are not willing to risk a relapse, if you never want to EVER go through one again, then you shouldn't be considering a recovering alcoholic or addict EVER. My husband relapsed after 10 YEARS sober. I can never say he never will again. I can only say, I will be gone if he does.
i may face condemnation for saying what i'm about to say but am seeing a woman likely alcoholic. in my life now am not in need of a serious relationship. she will disappear for days or a week or 2 then contact me out of the blue. i just consider myself a friend and have no expectations. especially since i went through hell with ex aw. in my case i know sh is not sober but by the same tokenhas not used me as an enabler.
we that love an alcoholic often have a lot of wishful thinking .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I have a lot of sympathy for you. It's been two years for myself, as well, and it really hasn't gotten much clearer. I can empathize in that if my ex contacted me with a vulnerable, heartfelt, honest explanation and apology I'd get back with him in a minute. However contact is not an explanation or an apology, and as a codependent I tend to hold others to different standards than I hold myself. I would never send someone "kibbles" as I like to call it...meaning small, meaningless texts in order to keep someone interested or hooked. Honestly it just sounds like she likes talking to you. She's not making amends or really engaging you in a significant way. My ex reached out to me three or four times...each time to see how I was doing. Not one word about his drinking. If he was remorseful or acknowledged his issue I would think recovery would be the first thing out of his mouth. It is her responsibility to say "I am sorry for xyz. I have done xyz. I want xyz from you." Let her do her work. Until she does she's just something for you to idealize and it sounds like she doesn't deserve it.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
Hi All,
Some of your already know the basics of my story from other posts, and the similarities to what some other people have been going through.
This week, after almost 2 years of silence from my ex, she has suddenly broken her silence and has recommenced regular communication with me by text messages.
I have missed her immensely over the past two years. Prior to her abusing alcohol we were incredibly close, and were planning to start a family together before her drinking and combining alcohol with xanax turned everything to hell.
Suddenly hearing from her again has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me, and I would be interested to hear how others have dealt with a partner reestablishing contact again as they emerge from the fog.
When her life became unmanageable as a result of her abuse of alcohol, combining alcohol with prescription xanax, and her having multiple injuries and hospital visits as a result of her alcohol abuse, I was committed to getting her into rehab, standing by her side and getting her back to health.
Unfortunately in her alcoholic thinking, it felt like she convinced herself, her family, and the counselor she was seeing that I was the cause of all her problems. My own doctor has described it as "delusional demonisation" of me
At 5 minutes, 40 seconds, Dr Breggin talks about how people on alcohol and some medications tend to blame their spouse or family - this is exactly what I saw from my ex - this link goes straight to a minute before part of the video
THE EMOTIONAL CUT OFF
I told my ex that multiple doctors had told me that her drinking had reached the point where her life was at critical risk and I needed to get her into inpatient rehab as soon as possible. In response, she demanded that I move out of our home temporarily.
She was convinced we were having "relationship problems" and was in complete denial that her abuse of alcohol was a problem. Alcohol was clearly the major problem which almost all the other problems radiated out from.
In the midst of me following the multiple doctors' advice and trying to organise an intervention to get her into rehab, her father overheard her raging at me by phone, and her father accused me of being abusive to her.
All he heard was her end of the conversation, but he decided that was "abuse between you and her".
I protested vehemently that she was abusing me, not me abusing her.
My ex's father demanded that she cut off contact with me.
Anyone who knows how much I have tried to helped her, over many years, and how I was the one being subjected to the insane rages that xanax combined with alcohol can produce, knows that I was the victim of her abuse, not the other way around.
Almost two years have now passed.
There has been minimal contact from her in that time. I have not seen her for almost 2 years, and she has not spoken to me by phone.
I reached out to her last year in a heartfelt letter, hoping she would be out of the fog. She reacted with anger to that letter and accused me of being selfish for having written that letter to her and claimed that I was trying to paint myself as a good person. Everyone who knows me, except for her family, know I am a good person.
So I thought "OK, she's still in the fog".
There has been some contact by text messages over the last 2 years. If I tell her that I miss her, or ask how she is doing, or anything with any kind of emotional content, the message receives nothing back but silence.
This article about an aggressor using the silent treatment as punishment struck a chord with
Part of it reads ...
I have hoped and prayed that at some point my ex would come out of her medication and alcohol fog, get into a 12 step program, wake up and realise how she has mistreated me and what she has done while in the fog, and assumed that if that happened, she would then slowly re-establish contact with me.
The last 2 years have been heartwrenching.
A friend of hers told me that she thought my ex had started a treatment program a few months ago.
THIS WEEK
This week, I needed to contact her about something. So I sent her a text message.
She replied, and I then replied back and asked her how she was doing etc. I keep holding out the olive branch to her in the hope that one day I will get a normal and healthy reply.
I expected silence in reply from her, but instead she has started a very pleasant conversation back and forth with me by text message over the last few days.
The change in her attitude and tone seems a lot like she has been in some kind of treatment.
It is very clear from her messages that something has changed. There is zero anger towards me, she is engaging in conversation with me about how she is doing, asked how I am doing and so on. Her attitude and tone is completely different than it was before.
Clearly she has broken her father's demand that she have no contact with me.
She has been expressing thanks to me repeatedly for various things I have done to try to help her.
Her messages are very very warm, and the tone of her messages is just like the warm and caring person that she was before she relapsed into drinking a couple of years ago.
I have been keeping the conversation light and pleasant of course. To be honest, it feels really heartwarming after being met with a wall of silence for two years to suddenly have back and forth conversations with her, even just by text message.
This part of the article ...
--------
"Persistent invalidation will, over time, erode your self-esteem. No human being is immune to feeling worthless when they are consistently rejected, criticized, excluded, neglected, and scapegoated for blame"
--------
... is exactly how the almost two years of silent treatment has made me feel.
WHO ELSE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS ?
Has anyone else been through a similar situation of a drinker suddenly stopping the silent treatment like this ?
I don't want to get my hopes up that this will automatically lead to some kind of reconciliation, but if she is in a 12 step program, and truly committed to sobriety, I feel like I would be prepared to try to reconcile things with her slowly ... bit by bit ... baby steps.
Of course I will want to know shortly from her if she is in alcohol treatment.
I am naturally wary after the damage that her and her father's behaviour have done to me, but I am a compassionate and forgiving person, who has always believed that if people show by their actions that they have changed, that they deserve a second chance.
Has anyone else been through something similar to this ?
Does anyone know of any books, articles or videos about the process of trying to repair a relationship after an extended emotional cutoff after alcohol abuse like this ?
Is there any kind of recommended process for re-establishing contact, bit by bit, after alcohol abuse between separated people like this ?
Some of your already know the basics of my story from other posts, and the similarities to what some other people have been going through.
This week, after almost 2 years of silence from my ex, she has suddenly broken her silence and has recommenced regular communication with me by text messages.
I have missed her immensely over the past two years. Prior to her abusing alcohol we were incredibly close, and were planning to start a family together before her drinking and combining alcohol with xanax turned everything to hell.
Suddenly hearing from her again has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me, and I would be interested to hear how others have dealt with a partner reestablishing contact again as they emerge from the fog.
When her life became unmanageable as a result of her abuse of alcohol, combining alcohol with prescription xanax, and her having multiple injuries and hospital visits as a result of her alcohol abuse, I was committed to getting her into rehab, standing by her side and getting her back to health.
Unfortunately in her alcoholic thinking, it felt like she convinced herself, her family, and the counselor she was seeing that I was the cause of all her problems. My own doctor has described it as "delusional demonisation" of me
At 5 minutes, 40 seconds, Dr Breggin talks about how people on alcohol and some medications tend to blame their spouse or family - this is exactly what I saw from my ex - this link goes straight to a minute before part of the video
THE EMOTIONAL CUT OFF
I told my ex that multiple doctors had told me that her drinking had reached the point where her life was at critical risk and I needed to get her into inpatient rehab as soon as possible. In response, she demanded that I move out of our home temporarily.
She was convinced we were having "relationship problems" and was in complete denial that her abuse of alcohol was a problem. Alcohol was clearly the major problem which almost all the other problems radiated out from.
In the midst of me following the multiple doctors' advice and trying to organise an intervention to get her into rehab, her father overheard her raging at me by phone, and her father accused me of being abusive to her.
All he heard was her end of the conversation, but he decided that was "abuse between you and her".
I protested vehemently that she was abusing me, not me abusing her.
My ex's father demanded that she cut off contact with me.
Anyone who knows how much I have tried to helped her, over many years, and how I was the one being subjected to the insane rages that xanax combined with alcohol can produce, knows that I was the victim of her abuse, not the other way around.
Almost two years have now passed.
There has been minimal contact from her in that time. I have not seen her for almost 2 years, and she has not spoken to me by phone.
I reached out to her last year in a heartfelt letter, hoping she would be out of the fog. She reacted with anger to that letter and accused me of being selfish for having written that letter to her and claimed that I was trying to paint myself as a good person. Everyone who knows me, except for her family, know I am a good person.
So I thought "OK, she's still in the fog".
There has been some contact by text messages over the last 2 years. If I tell her that I miss her, or ask how she is doing, or anything with any kind of emotional content, the message receives nothing back but silence.
This article about an aggressor using the silent treatment as punishment struck a chord with
Part of it reads ...
I have hoped and prayed that at some point my ex would come out of her medication and alcohol fog, get into a 12 step program, wake up and realise how she has mistreated me and what she has done while in the fog, and assumed that if that happened, she would then slowly re-establish contact with me.
The last 2 years have been heartwrenching.
A friend of hers told me that she thought my ex had started a treatment program a few months ago.
THIS WEEK
This week, I needed to contact her about something. So I sent her a text message.
She replied, and I then replied back and asked her how she was doing etc. I keep holding out the olive branch to her in the hope that one day I will get a normal and healthy reply.
I expected silence in reply from her, but instead she has started a very pleasant conversation back and forth with me by text message over the last few days.
The change in her attitude and tone seems a lot like she has been in some kind of treatment.
It is very clear from her messages that something has changed. There is zero anger towards me, she is engaging in conversation with me about how she is doing, asked how I am doing and so on. Her attitude and tone is completely different than it was before.
Clearly she has broken her father's demand that she have no contact with me.
She has been expressing thanks to me repeatedly for various things I have done to try to help her.
Her messages are very very warm, and the tone of her messages is just like the warm and caring person that she was before she relapsed into drinking a couple of years ago.
I have been keeping the conversation light and pleasant of course. To be honest, it feels really heartwarming after being met with a wall of silence for two years to suddenly have back and forth conversations with her, even just by text message.
This part of the article ...
--------
"Persistent invalidation will, over time, erode your self-esteem. No human being is immune to feeling worthless when they are consistently rejected, criticized, excluded, neglected, and scapegoated for blame"
--------
... is exactly how the almost two years of silent treatment has made me feel.
WHO ELSE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS ?
Has anyone else been through a similar situation of a drinker suddenly stopping the silent treatment like this ?
I don't want to get my hopes up that this will automatically lead to some kind of reconciliation, but if she is in a 12 step program, and truly committed to sobriety, I feel like I would be prepared to try to reconcile things with her slowly ... bit by bit ... baby steps.
Of course I will want to know shortly from her if she is in alcohol treatment.
I am naturally wary after the damage that her and her father's behaviour have done to me, but I am a compassionate and forgiving person, who has always believed that if people show by their actions that they have changed, that they deserve a second chance.
Has anyone else been through something similar to this ?
Does anyone know of any books, articles or videos about the process of trying to repair a relationship after an extended emotional cutoff after alcohol abuse like this ?
Is there any kind of recommended process for re-establishing contact, bit by bit, after alcohol abuse between separated people like this ?
I am thinking something as I read your posts and I am curious and want your direct opinion. Please do not take this question in a negative light or connotation but as a genuine question out of curiosity. Are you "addicted" in a way to your ex? You go into great detail to build a "case" for yourself and the ex to be back together when you have been apart for two years no contact and it didn't go well (addictions and boundary issues with her family) when together. You reached out to her by text, she politely replied and now your talking (kind off)?. Is this a sign of a relationship or two people communicating that knew each other before. You have spent a lot of time researching in hopes of having a symptom to pinpoint outside of it didn't work out as some relationships just don't. I read through your posts trying to find sections that focus on your own improvement (for just yourself)after the breakup that don't speak of her and her experiences. If her family/dad is interfering in a grown adult daughter life and you two are adults then it's not a good sign to me if this is allowed between them. It's a family dynamic. You are not able to resolve this yourself and I would not suggest interfering, they need to approach the matter themselves on their terms IF they see it as an actual problem. I can tell you feel a whole lot for her and the breakup hurt deeply but is the same level of feelings or "fixing you guys back together again" being reciprocated back to you? I read your post and I dont see any concrete mention that she is feeling or acting a solid intention towards you as you do her. I read that you are formulating she is from things here and there. Please if I offended I apologize. I am hoping to bring a different light on the matter that may help you to get through the this. Keep well, tjunction.
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