timetohealguy

Hi All,

Some of your already know the basics of my story from other posts, and the similarities to what some other people have been going through.

This week, after almost 2 years of silence from my ex, she has suddenly broken her silence and has recommenced regular communication with me by text messages.

I have missed her immensely over the past two years. Prior to her abusing alcohol we were incredibly close, and were planning to start a family together before her drinking and combining alcohol with xanax turned everything to hell.

Suddenly hearing from her again has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me, and I would be interested to hear how others have dealt with a partner reestablishing contact again as they emerge from the fog.


WHAT HAPPENED 2 YEARS AGO

When her life became unmanageable as a result of her abuse of alcohol, combining alcohol with prescription xanax, and her having multiple injuries and hospital visits as a result of her alcohol abuse, I was committed to getting her into rehab, standing by her side and getting her back to health.

Unfortunately in her alcoholic thinking, it felt like she convinced herself, her family, and the counselor she was seeing that I was the cause of all her problems. My own doctor has described it as "delusional demonisation" of me.

Dr Peter Breggin has a video "What is Medication Spellbinding? Simple Truths in Psychiatry".

At 5 minutes, 40 seconds, Dr Breggin talks about how people on alcohol and some medications tend to blame their spouse or family - this is exactly what I saw from my ex - this link goes straight to a minute before part of the video ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwIDfcc5Z3w&t=4m30s


THE EMOTIONAL CUT OFF

I told my ex that multiple doctors had told me that her drinking had reached the point where her life was at critical risk and I needed to get her into inpatient rehab as soon as possible. In response, she demanded that I move out of our home temporarily.

She was convinced we were having "relationship problems" and was in complete denial that her abuse of alcohol was a problem. Alcohol was clearly the major problem which almost all the other problems radiated out from.

In the midst of me following the multiple doctors' advice and trying to organise an intervention to get her into rehab, her father overheard her raging at me by phone, and her father accused me of being abusive to her.

All he heard was her end of the conversation, but he decided that was "abuse between you and her".

I protested vehemently that she was abusing me, not me abusing her.

My ex's father demanded that she cut off contact with me.

Anyone who knows how much I have tried to helped her, over many years, and how I was the one being subjected to the insane rages that xanax combined with alcohol can produce, knows that I was the victim of her abuse, not the other way around.


Almost two years have now passed.

There has been minimal contact from her in that time. I have not seen her for almost 2 years, and she has not spoken to me by phone.

I reached out to her last year in a heartfelt letter, hoping she would be out of the fog. She reacted with anger to that letter and accused me of being selfish for having written that letter to her and claimed that I was trying to paint myself as a good person. Everyone who knows me, except for her family, know I am a good person.

So I thought "OK, she's still in the fog".

There has been some contact by text messages over the last 2 years. If I tell her that I miss her, or ask how she is doing, or anything with any kind of emotional content, the message receives nothing back but silence.

This article about an aggressor using the silent treatment as punishment struck a chord with me ...

The Narcissistic Continuum: The Appropriation of "No Contact": When Narcissists use "No Contact" against YOU

Part of it reads ...

I have hoped and prayed that at some point my ex would come out of her medication and alcohol fog, get into a 12 step program, wake up and realise how she has mistreated me and what she has done while in the fog, and assumed that if that happened, she would then slowly re-establish contact with me.

The last 2 years have been heartwrenching.

A friend of hers told me that she thought my ex had started a treatment program a few months ago.


THIS WEEK

This week, I needed to contact her about something. So I sent her a text message.

She replied, and I then replied back and asked her how she was doing etc. I keep holding out the olive branch to her in the hope that one day I will get a normal and healthy reply.

I expected silence in reply from her, but instead she has started a very pleasant conversation back and forth with me by text message over the last few days.

The change in her attitude and tone seems a lot like she has been in some kind of treatment.

It is very clear from her messages that something has changed. There is zero anger towards me, she is engaging in conversation with me about how she is doing, asked how I am doing and so on. Her attitude and tone is completely different than it was before.

Clearly she has broken her father's demand that she have no contact with me.

She has been expressing thanks to me repeatedly for various things I have done to try to help her.

Her messages are very very warm, and the tone of her messages is just like the warm and caring person that she was before she relapsed into drinking a couple of years ago.

I have been keeping the conversation light and pleasant of course. To be honest, it feels really heartwarming after being met with a wall of silence for two years to suddenly have back and forth conversations with her, even just by text message.

This part of the article ...

--------
"Persistent invalidation will, over time, erode your self-esteem. No human being is immune to feeling worthless when they are consistently rejected, criticized, excluded, neglected, and scapegoated for blame"
--------

... is exactly how the almost two years of silent treatment has made me feel.


WHO ELSE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS ?

Has anyone else been through a similar situation of a drinker suddenly stopping the silent treatment like this ?

I don't want to get my hopes up that this will automatically lead to some kind of reconciliation, but if she is in a 12 step program, and truly committed to sobriety, I feel like I would be prepared to try to reconcile things with her slowly ... bit by bit ... baby steps.

Of course I will want to know shortly from her if she is in alcohol treatment.

I am naturally wary after the damage that her and her father's behaviour have done to me, but I am a compassionate and forgiving person, who has always believed that if people show by their actions that they have changed, that they deserve a second chance.

Has anyone else been through something similar to this ?

Does anyone know of any books, articles or videos about the process of trying to repair a relationship after an extended emotional cutoff after alcohol abuse like this ?

Is there any kind of recommended process for re-establishing contact, bit by bit, after alcohol abuse between separated people like this ?

timetohealguy

There is also a new short video about Medication Spellbinding here ...

Thomas45

I'm going to try to approach this as delicately as possible, though it may come across as a little blunt. This is just my own perspective based on what you've written here, and I'm not trying to criticize you, but...

... whether or not your ex is a narcissist or an abuser or an addict, she still has the right to her boundaries, just as we have the right to ours. Boundaries aren't something that only a codependent/abused person are allowed to have. Regardless of the origin of fault in the relationship dynamic, both of you are allowed to stand up for your respective boundaries. If she opted for the route of no contact, it is a little concerning to me that you opted to disrespect her wishes (founded or not, she has the right to her decisions) and attempt to break through her boundary on several occasions. This actually very strongly reminds me of the opposite, where it is usually the addict ex partner who repeatedly attempts to break down their estranged partner's no contact boundary. It would be a little hypocritical of us to say that our boundaries have to be respected, but we don't have to respect the boundaries of an addict because they don't have the right to their opinions or feelings. Therefore, it doesn't surprise me at all that she would react to your letter with anger. I would too, if my ex mailed me a letter. My concern here, without trying to criticize too harshly, is that it feels as though there is an unhealthy level of enmeshment or attachment here.

The other thing I can speak from experience with regard to is what happens to a relationship dynamic when family or friends of the addict have demonized you. When their family members or friends hate you to the extent that they're telling your partner to stop speaking to you completely, that adds a level of tension that threatens to undermine the entire relationship. It forces the partner to choose between their relationship with family and friends, and their spouse. Without their family and friends, they have no support net if things turn south in the future. Turning around and getting back together causes their family/friends to heap scorn upon them for 'getting back together with the enemy', and that drives a huge rift through things. It is exceedingly rare for them to then turn around and tell their family/friends "Hey, you know what? All those things I said about my ex were lies, I deceived you all because I wanted somebody on my side supporting my alcoholic point of view."

timetohealguy

Hi Thomas,

Thanks for your message.

I am more than happy to address what you wrote, in the spirit of open discussion ...


I should have mentioned in my original post, my ex stated repeatedly to me, to the counsellor her and I were speaking to, and she told me that she had stated very clearly to her father:

(1) that she did not want our relationship to end,

(2) that she wanted to get help for her alcohol and medication problems, and

(3) that she then wanted us to put our relationship back together and to be together long term.

She was very clear that our relationship had not ended and that we were temporarily spending some time apart while she tried to get her drinking and medication problems under control.

She was adamant and crystal clear about this.

We are not talking about young adults in a relationship here - my ex and I are both in middle age, being treated as if we are children.

My ex and I had had prior conversations about how we would communicate while she was getting her alcohol and medication problems sorted out. My ex's father knew that.

At no point did my ex tell me that she wanted no contact with me.

The cut off was demanded by her father, when my ex had told me that her father knew full well that her goal was to get better then put our relationship back together.

So the first boundary broken was her father not respecting her own sovereignty as an adult to make her own decisions.

At this point, my ex had no job any more, had spent her savings, had moved temporarily to her parents' house and was therefore dependent on her father. In that situation, what power did she have to defy him ?

He may not have wanted communication between me and her, but that is simply not his decision to make.

What about the boundary of her and I as adults having the right to determine our own future ?

What about her boundary and right as an adult to make her own decisions about who she has contact with ?

Where is there any respect for those boundaries in her father demanding that two adults who both have stated that they want to reconcile their relationship have no contact with each other ?


I agree with you entirely on that.

If "no contact" was my ex's boundary, and if my ex told me she wanted no contact, I would respect that.

But again, at no time has she told me that she wants "no contact" with me.

The person that "no contact" has come from is her father.

"No contact" is not her boundary - it is a demand that her father has attempted to force upon her, in direct opposition to her stated goal for us to put our relationship back together.


Can I ask you two questions ? ...


Question 1. If a recovering addict's brain and decision-making processes are not firing at 100% because they are in withdrawal from multiple substances and suffering from alcoholic thinking, and someone demands that the addict do something that is abusive to a third person, is that abuse by proxy ?


The Narcissistic Continuum: The Appropriation of "No Contact": When Narcissists use "No Contact" against YOU

reads ...

Abuse By Proxy reads ...

Proxy Recruitment ? Out of the FOG reads ...


Question 2. If a recovering addict's brain and decision-making processes are not firing at 100% because they are in withdrawal from multiple substances and suffering from alcoholic thinking, and someone demands that the addict act in a way that is in opposition to the addict's stated healthy goal, what do you call that ?


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coercion reads ...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duress reads ...

Me attempting to break through a grossly unreasonable demand which has been imposed by my ex's father, and which is clearly in opposition to my ex's stated goal of reconciling our relationship, is completely different to if my ex said she wanted no contact with me and I continued to try to contact her.


That is an excellent point.

My ex's friends are completely supportive of me, and (if she gets sober) of her and my relationship.

My ex's doctor, and my ex's 2 previous counselors are also completely supportive of me, and (if she gets sober) of her and my relationship.

My ex's best friend has described the way I have been treated as "a disgrace".

So if my ex was to reconcile with me, every single one of her friends that I know of would be supportive of that.

Her family is a different story. Of course many see alcoholism as a family of origin disease. My ex clearly had issues with alcohol many years before I met her.

The article "The Four Rules of the Alcoholic Family" here ...

https://www.enotalone.com/health/25851.html ... reads ...



I can totally understand why someone might think that without knowing the entire story.

There is a natural level of interdependence between spouses, which is completely different to co-dependence. Interdependence is the healthy state of being mutually reliant on each other to a healthy degree.

One of the things that we were working with with the counselor was addressing the unhealthy level of triangulation between me, my ex and her father.

My simple rule has always been, if you have something to say to someone, you say it to their face directly, not through a third party,

I have always encouraged her to be more independent, both from me and from her family of origin.

Numerous people have suggested to me that there is absolutely an unhealthy level of enmeshment in any situation in which a woman in middle age is more attached to her family of origin than she is to her spouse.

Nothing is more upsetting for a victim of abuse to be accused of being the aggressor. I am rightfully outraged at that aspect of it.

The article "Presto, Change-o, DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender" at ...

Presto, Change-o, DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender

... talks about that in detail and reads ...


At the end of the day, I see my ex getting back in contact with me as a positive sign that she is getting better and asserting her right to make her own decisions about who she communicates with, in a way which in her state of withdrawal which she was previously in, she had little hope of doing.

If she is getting stronger now, and if she is becoming less enmeshed with her family of origin, that is a healthy thing.

All I did was ask her how she was doing - she chose to reply to that message and to initiate an ongoing exchange. I did not force her to reply to me, nor did I coerce her.

Bear in mind, that this all came about because I refused to ignore the elephant in the room. My ex needed to be inpatient rehab immediately, multiple doctors advised and confirmed that, and all I did was follow the advice of those doctors.

That the response that occurred from her family of origin happened in response to me trying to organise an intervention and treatment, says much more about her family of origin than it says about me.

All I did was to put her life and safety first, tried to address the elephant in the room before she ended up dead from alcohol abuse, and tried to get her treatment.

madgirl

Are you guys married?

"There has been some contact by text messages over the last 2 years. If I tell her that I miss her, or ask how she is doing, or anything with any kind of emotional content, the message receives nothing back but silence."

As a woman I can tell you - alcoholic or not, she sounds done. Are you sure you want to re-ignite this relationship?

Elyse16

This is just my 2 cents as I'm in a similar situation. Your numbered list above 1,2 and 3 was exactly mine and XaBF. I'm going to address your no contact first. Sometimes a person doesn't actually have to say 'don't contact me' to mean they don't want contact. I didn't say that to my X until he made me have to say it. My no contact rule was ignore and he will eventually get it. He didn't. And it kind of sounds like you didn't get it either. I don't think anyone can 'make' someone cut off contact as you said her father did. You said you're both adults, and unless her father had her locked in a room with no phone access or computer, then she can contact you if she wants. Plus, trying to tell and active A not to do something usually doesn't happen. In fact, they like to do the opposite of that. I also responded in anger when my X contacted me. When he ignored the no contact rule I hoped he would get from my ignoring him, I had to actually say it and then still ignore Bc he wouldn't stop.

My X also made me the root of all evil of our relationship. He broke up with me twice and blamed my insecurities as the demise of our relationship. Hard to be secure when emotional cheating, lying, and addictions to porn/cam girls was part of the relationship. But it was still my fault. And he told everyone who would listen that I was the problem. I berated and belittled him and all his friends thought I was a verbal abuser. None of that was true, although I do admit to calling him some names in one text months ago after I found out something that angered me. And that text was sent to all his friends, including his mom. His mom even went so far as to say I called her a bitch (which never happened) to reinforce to him that I was the true nutball.

My X and I were 2 months no contact from our breakup before this one when he sent an email stating how lost and empty he was without me. He had a plan in place and was getting help for alcohol. He no longer cared what his family and friends thought. All he knew was he wanted to get better in order for us to be together. And tried he did for maybe a year. And then everything went back to hell. Hiding booze, lying about whereabouts, making inappropriate friendships with woman. I couldn't take it and I left. But I understand the missing them. The wanting to be there to help them and hoping that this time will be the time they get it together. And yes, they seem so serene. So different. Glimpses of the person you used to know and love. And you get a little giddy with those glimpses. But sometimes, that's all they are. When we got back together, it was the honeymoon phase all over. I sincerely believe he wanted to get better but his demons were too strong for him, for me and for us.

It's hard. And ultimately its your decision. I tried not once, but twice and got burned both times. And the hell of going through this pain of breakup over and over is so detrimental. The best advice I got was no contact. Not on your part and not on hers. Bc you won't heal if you keep getting dragged back and forth.

That's just my story. We all have different stories but a lot of similarities. Go with what you think you need to do but take care of you first.

dandylion

timetohealguy.....I believe that the additional information that you supplied is helpful to understanding your situation.....
I think that one of the difficulties of an online forum, such as this, is that we never get to see the totality of the situation. We get a "slice", at best, usually.
There is, also, a lot of nuance that is lost with just a keyboard.....
I think that we all forget how much of communication is non verbal. as well.
(animals don't actually speak words, but they are excellent at reading tone and body language).

In short...I thank you for the additional info.....

dandylion

timetohealguy

The hardest thing for me is that I have already been through 6 months of the recovery process once with her, then a hellish relapse.

When she first was abusing alcohol for about a year, she went from a warm and loving person, into "someone else" overnight.

During that year, it wasn't a "push-pull" relationship - it was all push - her just pushing me away - it was incredibly destructive and incredibly hurtful.

She is one of those people who when they are in active addiction acts the complete opposite of who she is when she is in sobriety.

The combined affect of xanax and alcohol can be incredibly destructive. Anyone on here who has dealt with a partner combining xanax with alcohol will be nodding their head at that comment.

This post from another forum member in another thread captures better than anything I have read, what the absolute extremes of the mix of xanax and alcohol can be like ...

--------
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5531321
--------

The comment in that post of "if you met him, you would never think in a million years he would do something like this" is similar to how I feel about my ex. The anger and rage and aggressiveness is truly out of character for who my ex is when she is sober.

When my ex had her prescribed benzos only in her system (and no alcohol), she was a warm, caring and loving partner.

But within an hour of her touching alcohol, she often underwent a truly Jeckyl and Hyde-like transformation.


Initially she was drinking for about a year. At the end of that year of drinking, I was very worried that our relationship could not survive. I always believed though that the real her still existed underneath the alcohol and xanax, and that the mix of alcohol and xanax was resulting in the angry and abusive behavior, particularly because it was so out of character to who she is when she is sober.


She then got sober for 6 months - zero alcohol.

When she stopped drinking, the difference was incredibly dramatic ...

After about a month sober, she then literally spent the next 5 months making amends for how she had mistreated me during that year of drinking. It wasn't just words - her actions were truly those of someone who was determined to turn their life around and who was determined to repair the damage she had done to me and to our relationship while she was drinking. She was a completely different person during those 6 months of sobriety to who she had been when she was drinking.


After 6 months sober, she relapsed with alcohol, and it was horrendous - she started raging at me very often again, and telling me that I was the cause of all her problems - she seemed utterly convinced of this.


I guess the hardest thing for me is that I can tell by the tone of her recent messages that she is definitely currently in "not drinking" mode - the difference between when she is drinking and when she is not drinking is that dramatic.

And I know that when she quit drinking before, how fast the real, not-drinking her reappeared - within about a month she went from this raging angry person into the same warm person she had been when I met her.

I spoke to a friend about the possibility of reconciling if that opportunity comes up (this friend of hers has seen how her and I are together when she is sober, and is very positive that once she stops drinking and the real person re-emerges, that she will want to reconcile), and I reached the conclusion that I could only consider reconciling:

1. If she is not drinking, at all, and

2. If she is in a recovery program, and is committing to being in a recovery program for as long as it takes, and

3. If she has accepted that she cannot touch alcohol again, ever, for the rest of her life, no "social drinking" ever, and

4. If she is prepared to re-enter relationship counselling with me and take responsibility and make amends for the damage that she did while in that relapse.


If she is the sober version of herself, for the rest of her life, that can work, and it can work very well.

But I know I cannot go through another relapse with her. When she relapses, she is incredibly verbally aggressive, angry and defiant of accepting any help, let alone admitting that there is a problem that she needs help for.

Getting my hopes up when she got sober, then getting absolutely crushed by the way she treated me when she relapsed, almost destroyed me emotionally.

If anything, I assume she is in what would be called "early recovery", so I am not making any big decisions yet, just exploring if there is a way to see if we can rebuild things between us in a healthy way.

Refiner

There is no "end date" to WORKING a program, however. A program can only offer the tools that it's up to HER to work with for the rest of her life. If you're thinking about getting back together with her, it's real important you somehow find out if that is her understanding as well.

Expanding

Yup! I went low contact (we are still legally bound, otherwise it would be NC) and did not tell him I was doing so. I just did it.



They drive you crazy behind the scenes and then when you finally snap its, "See? See, I told you she was crazy, that SHE is the problem, not me."



Elyse that must have been so tough!

We all need to find our power to stop us from getting dragged back and forth. If I feel myself slipping back into old patterns of thought I have a couple of mantras... "hold on to yourself" and "take back your power", because we ALL have the power to take back control of our lives. We are not at the mercy of anyone but ourselves.

dandylion

timetohealguy.......wow..you have worked so hard and so long on this relationship.....
What comes to my mind is the observation.....
Real love is not supposed to hurt this much......
Real love allows one to thrive...not just exist in perpetual anxiety, discomfort and insecurity......

A love relationship is totally voluntary (in this culture)....
Consider. carefully, what you volunteer for.....

dandylion

timetohealguy

Hi Elyse16,

Yes you clearly know that situation.

The part where you wrote "I sincerely believe he wanted to get better but his demons were too strong for him, for me and for us" is exactly what I am worried about.

The demon of alcohol took her away from me for a year, I battled as hard as I could and got her back from alcohol's clutches for 6 months, and then in just a few days, alcohol took her back again.

If only she had the same loyalty to me as she had to alcohol.

It felt like alcohol clearly had a stronger pull on her than I do.


Yes I don't want to get burned again. I am still recovering from the damage caused by her previous relapse.

I guess in a way my list of criteria in my post above this one is my attempt at figuring out if I can set up some criteria to protect myself, and if I follow that criteria, I am minimising the risk of getting burnt ...

--------
I spoke to a friend about the possibility of reconciling if that opportunity comes up (this friend of hers has seen how her and I are together when she is sober, and is very positive that once she stops drinking and the real person re-emerges, that she will want to reconcile), and I reached the conclusion that I could only consider reconciling:

1. If she is not drinking, at all, and

2. If she is in a recovery program, and is committing to being in a recovery program for as long as it takes, and

3. If she has accepted that she cannot touch alcohol again, ever, for the rest of her life, no "social drinking" ever, and

4. If she is prepared to re-enter relationship counselling with me and take responsibility and make amends for the damage that she did while in that relapse.
--------

timetohealguy

Hi Dandylion,

Yes you are right about that.

Was it you who said you work in medicine or was that someone else who said they work in medicine ?

I have found that as soon as I mention the combination of benzos and alcohol to any medical people, they give me this knowing look.

Particularly people who work in emergency medicine know all about benzos combined with alcohol - they see it every day.

You can see in their eyes that they know exactly what you are talking about when you say "xanax and alcohol".


I really have.

I wish my ex could see that and appreciate that.


Thanks for that, that is profound.

The hardest thing has been that the first half our relationship, which was a period when there were no periods of regular alcohol abuse, was literally the best relationship I have ever had. And I'm old enough to have been around the block a few times and know what a good relationship looks like haha.

It was only when she started abusing alcohol that the Jeckyl and Hyde -like transformation happened and this "other person" appeared.

That comment of Dr Peter Breggin in this video that if they go to AA and get sober they can go 20 years without acting out and "absent the drug, the individual isn't doing these things", is exactly my thinking ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwIDfcc5Z3w&t=5m40s

But to make them "absent the drug", how the heck do you do that with someone who has such denial and who will defend any attempt to intervene so vehemently ?

It literally felt like alcohol was a friend to her who she would defend with her life.


A doctor said something similar to that to me.

I guess once I commit to someone, I am all in.

I also feel like if I walk away, that alcohol will end up killing her way before her time.

timetohealguy

That's an important point Refiner - thanks.

dandylion

timetohealguy.....I have worked in medicine (including psychiatry) for all of my life.....
Yes, alcohol mixed with anything is, potentially, lethal....and can really make anyone "Cucoo for Cocoa Puffs"...lol....

dandylion

Ladybird579

4 times me and exah split and got back together. 4 times of broken promises, lies and ultimately me realising it was only me who loved him. He was in love with drinking. Seriously do you want this roller coaster again? For the rest of your life? Recovery is ongoing and for all time. Am reading you care way more the she does and your stipulations for a reconciliation will be deal breakers for her. IF she even wants to reconcile and am not getting the picture here that she does. I exchange hundreds of texts a week with a male friend and we are not even considering dating. It's just a pleasant way to pass a few hours of boredom, so don't read anything into her texting you. You sound like a nice guy. Do yourself a favour, work the steps and move on. You deserve so much better than this limbo you are in.

pndm07

Time to heal - I just want to chime in and say that my current situation is that my AH is in active relapse (2nd in one year) after 3+ years sober. This is after being inpatient rehab, outpatient, detox active in AA, a great sponsor, and allegedly "working the program" outwardly. I understand the searing and devastating pain of loving someone like this. I was almost comfortable that my AH was going to be fine, then the rug got pulled under me, two times this year (most recently, just as I was about to undergo surgery and he knew I needed him). In my case, we have a 6 year old son, which makes this even worse, because he is indirectly suffering from this too, even though he doesn't understand it.
I am not saying that every A doesn't eventually find sobriety. Some do, some don't. It's just that we don't know how and who and when and in my case, I am feeling like I will never trust him again, even if he does sober up this time. I mean, promises are easy to make, but how easy to keep?
Relapse has no statute of limitations. Sometimes it happens after weeks, or months, or years. In my case, I don't know how I can live with that fear hanging over my head. I also love my AH and it was a good relationship when he was sober. But is that enough? Is it really enough to hold on to the times when they are sober, and discount the pain and chaos and complete s*storm when they go back to drinking?
I believe that if there is life, there is hope. But we have to be realistic. What is going on now? What has happened before? I have been in denial for a long time. I got comfortable after my A was sober for a while, then the rug got pulled out from under me two times in the past year, most recently when I was about to undergo surgery. That was beyond a slap in the face and brought me back crying to these boards where I have gotten some amazing wisdom and comfort.

I do want to understand why you say that
"I also feel like if I walk away, that alcohol will end up killing her way before her time."

why do you feel that way? Do you think that you will stop her from drinking? if it was that easy, she would have stopped a long time ago (heck, all of our loved one A's would). One common theme of this board and every piece of evidence on this disease is that only they can stop drinking, and only when they decide. Nobody other than the A can stop an A. No amount of controlling, or attempting to control it, will stop it. In fact, it could only interfere. Seriously. That is why letting go is so important.
That doesn't mean you stop caring about the person or that you don't want them to get better, but you just realize that it isn't under your control. I am struggling with this tremendously, and I have been wanting to hold on with clenched fists for years. It hasn't worked.
It is fine to have hope but also to be realistic and deal with the situation as it is. It isn't easy, it hurts, and it feels awful, but what good will it do anyone if we neglect ourselves and pour everything we have in someone whose decisions are not in our control?
Wishing you the best and I totally feel for what you are going through.

atalose

My 2 cents.....

HER - ADDICTION - You hear through a 3rd party that she may be in a recovery program for a few months......a few months out of the last 2 years!!

YOU - CODEPENDENCY - You are still holding on to "hope" after 2 years. After negative responses from text messages you sent her, you continue to try.
Your research is still all about her. And now after receiving a few text messages back from her that were not deemed negative by you, you are jumping right into thoughts of reconcilliation.

Eauchiche

Dear Time to heal
Many of us have been just where you are now, hoping that our ex will see the light and love us again!!!

I believe this is the main struggle for recovery from codependency. We want them to LOVE us.

I have started to bravely look inside and ask myself some hard questions about my family of origin and its culture, which was pretty jacked up.

I hope you can come to realize that the two of you are better off without each other. From your end, you can't do ANYTHING to save her. Staying hooked up with her is, by your own posts, a detriment to your own well being.

Hawkeye13

This is beautifully said and very true.
She needs to find healing on her own and so do you.
It is a hard truth, but it is the truth which I think you know
if you look inside yourself deeply.

Don't get re-enmeshed with this person.
It's like a recovering alcoholic picking up a drink again.
Recognize that and act in your own best interests.