Hard Lessons
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hard Lessons
One of the hardest - and most important - lessons for me in my 20 year marriage to my now XH is that
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO LIVE ANY WAY HE WANTS TO LIVE.
He has the right to drink, to not drink, to be an alcoholic, to not be an alcoholic, to waste what I see as "HIS POTENTIAL", to harm himself physically from alcohol, to recover, to not recover.
HIS LIFE IS HIS LIFE TO DO WITH AS HE CHOOSES.
All I have the right to do is to choose whether I can or want to live with a partner who makes the choices he does.
I HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHANGE HIM.
That is arrogance on my part, and comes of a hidden superiority in me thinking that I know better than he does what a good life means to him.
I only get to determine my own destiny, as best as I can, as healthy as I can make it. The more humility I bring to my own journey, the more honest my journey is. The more honest I am, the more I can let go of my grandiosity and concentrate on how I am living, myself.
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE HIS OWN DESTINY.
Not easy words, even harder lessons for me. I've lost more than I ever thought I could bear to lose. But I didn't own what I thought I did, anyway. All I own is what I choose to do for and with myself. The more I focus on what the next right choice is for me, the more I relax into the truth of who I am and who I can become. Humility is a hard and profound lesson for me.
I am finally getting to the bedrock of recovery.
ShootingStar1
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO LIVE ANY WAY HE WANTS TO LIVE.
He has the right to drink, to not drink, to be an alcoholic, to not be an alcoholic, to waste what I see as "HIS POTENTIAL", to harm himself physically from alcohol, to recover, to not recover.
HIS LIFE IS HIS LIFE TO DO WITH AS HE CHOOSES.
All I have the right to do is to choose whether I can or want to live with a partner who makes the choices he does.
I HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHANGE HIM.
That is arrogance on my part, and comes of a hidden superiority in me thinking that I know better than he does what a good life means to him.
I only get to determine my own destiny, as best as I can, as healthy as I can make it. The more humility I bring to my own journey, the more honest my journey is. The more honest I am, the more I can let go of my grandiosity and concentrate on how I am living, myself.
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE HIS OWN DESTINY.
Not easy words, even harder lessons for me. I've lost more than I ever thought I could bear to lose. But I didn't own what I thought I did, anyway. All I own is what I choose to do for and with myself. The more I focus on what the next right choice is for me, the more I relax into the truth of who I am and who I can become. Humility is a hard and profound lesson for me.
I am finally getting to the bedrock of recovery.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Thanks Shooting Star for posting this. I'm in the same boat as you and learning to let go... He's a big boy and I have to learn and understand he chose this way of life. I can not fix him.
Thank you for posting, I'm glad I'm not alone.
Thank you for posting, I'm glad I'm not alone.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Big hugs to you, ShootingStar!!
I'm both an RA and a recovering codependent. The people that loved me the most got tired and fed up when I was using. They ALLOWED me to live my life and deal with the consequences, and I will forever be grateful.
For me, I chose recovery. Not everyone does.
When I could finally let go of thinking I knew better, I could fix them, I found peace. Yes, I've lost dear loved ones to addiction, but I've also seen many choose recovery and I know that their actions have nothing to do with me and what I want.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both an RA and a recovering codependent. The people that loved me the most got tired and fed up when I was using. They ALLOWED me to live my life and deal with the consequences, and I will forever be grateful.
For me, I chose recovery. Not everyone does.
When I could finally let go of thinking I knew better, I could fix them, I found peace. Yes, I've lost dear loved ones to addiction, but I've also seen many choose recovery and I know that their actions have nothing to do with me and what I want.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
ShootingStar, I'm beginning to accept those same facts myself. Every time I start doubting my decision to divorce, I remind myself of how much I've tried to control him and change him in the past and how freeing it is to realize I'm NOT responsible for his decisions and do not have to live w/them if I choose not to.
The flip side of this, of course, is that I AM responsible for MY decisions and I DO have to live w/those...and yes, there is fear and doubt.
But I've been sadly lacking in respect towards him over the years also, and I get what you're saying about the arrogance and superiority. Still got boxes and barrels of that, and I'm trying to gradually put it out for the junk man to take.
Thanks for the post.
The flip side of this, of course, is that I AM responsible for MY decisions and I DO have to live w/those...and yes, there is fear and doubt.
But I've been sadly lacking in respect towards him over the years also, and I get what you're saying about the arrogance and superiority. Still got boxes and barrels of that, and I'm trying to gradually put it out for the junk man to take.
Thanks for the post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Very nice post. This is what I am currently working on. My husband DOES have a choice whether or not he drinks, and I DO have the choice whether or not I want to be in a relationship with him if he wants to continue drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
Thank you Shooting Star for sharing your truth.
My life changed in a big way when I came to understand that just as it is my right to live my life the way I choose it was my AH's right to live his life however he chose.
Understanding that concept removed the guilt which then allowed me the strength and courage to make the decision that I no longer wanted to live with active alcoholism. I wanted serenity.
It is never simple to make a change, no matter what your circumstances. In my late 50's I knew I would have many challenges. My higher power moved me through my fears, one step at a time.
My RAH is 16 months sober. We are happy. We are grateful that we each have a program that teaches us serenity.
Amazing things happen when we allow our truth to be revealed!
My life changed in a big way when I came to understand that just as it is my right to live my life the way I choose it was my AH's right to live his life however he chose.
Understanding that concept removed the guilt which then allowed me the strength and courage to make the decision that I no longer wanted to live with active alcoholism. I wanted serenity.
It is never simple to make a change, no matter what your circumstances. In my late 50's I knew I would have many challenges. My higher power moved me through my fears, one step at a time.
My RAH is 16 months sober. We are happy. We are grateful that we each have a program that teaches us serenity.
Amazing things happen when we allow our truth to be revealed!
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