I don't know if I made a mistake or I needed this
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Oh, yes...because "she's so controlling and jealous, not like you and I love you soooo much more but right now I have to have her around for my children, but we never have sex and she's mean and ugly and boring and you're the love of my life and some day we'll put all this behind us..."
Oh the flashbacks. I was such a slow learner...it's been nearly three decades and I'm still mortified...I used to defend him to my friends.
LK, don't do it to yourself, okay?
Oh the flashbacks. I was such a slow learner...it's been nearly three decades and I'm still mortified...I used to defend him to my friends.
LK, don't do it to yourself, okay?
That sounds about spot on... Thank you for this...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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My X husband....of 15 years.....told his current wife that we had an open marriage, that we both agreed we did not like being together, and that we never had sex. I just laughed, I guess I made all of it up! Believe me, we did NOT have an open marriage, and had plenty of sex.
Please don't fall for the crap he is spewing, you deserve so much more.
Please don't fall for the crap he is spewing, you deserve so much more.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, believe me, nobody here is mocking you. We sometimes comfort ourselves and each other by talking about some of the ridiculous crap WE have heard come out of the mouths of our alcoholics. Check out the Quackers thread sometime if you want to see how ridiculous it can get.
I think the message we are trying to get across is not to believe all those lovey-dovey words he will use in an attempt to reel you back in. Nobody is making fun of you. We have ALL swallowed a certain amount of that sort of thing (and gotten severe indigestion, to put it mildly).
Hugs,
I think the message we are trying to get across is not to believe all those lovey-dovey words he will use in an attempt to reel you back in. Nobody is making fun of you. We have ALL swallowed a certain amount of that sort of thing (and gotten severe indigestion, to put it mildly).
Hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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my post was also a vague reference to this scene from JAWS:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLjNzwEULG8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLjNzwEULG8
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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No mocking here, and if it came off that way, I am truly sorry.
I was trying to relate in that I have heard it, and completely understand what you are going through. None of us would be here if we did not at some point fall into some codependency, which normally also includes making a bad decision or two.
We are here for you!
I was trying to relate in that I have heard it, and completely understand what you are going through. None of us would be here if we did not at some point fall into some codependency, which normally also includes making a bad decision or two.
We are here for you!
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I told him I couldn't see him again
I told him that I couldn't see him again. I feel relieved but really sad. My head is confused... I know he has brought so much chaos and hurt into my life but the way I feel about him when we just hang out is incredible. I don't think its fake for him. When I am with him I do think he loves me. I think he knows that his life is too ****** up to be a part of mine and I don't think he knows how bad it hurts me... I do think he is hurting that we aren't together. He said he knows he needs to stop drinking but I don't think he ever will. He knows its effect his parenting and decision making.... but I still don't think he will stop... He admits he is an alcoholic but he won't stop... To be honest I wanted to bury my head in the sand again. He asked me to go to Catalina with him this week... I said no... I am starting to love myself I think for real for the first time in my life and I love him enough to allow him to fall... It just hurts really bad when you feel so sure about someone when you are around them... I just know the chaos and heartbreak that would occur if I kept it up. Thank you for your advice
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I completely understand. I will also say that I don't doubt that he feels love for you. However, love alone does not make a happy relationship, as you have found out.
Keep following your head, and not your heart. Let yourself grieve through this time, and I promise you will come out a stronger person in the end, much more prepared for what to look for when that right person does come alone.
Tight hugs!
Keep following your head, and not your heart. Let yourself grieve through this time, and I promise you will come out a stronger person in the end, much more prepared for what to look for when that right person does come alone.
Tight hugs!
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thank you guys.... I think I need to write down a list
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I completely understand. I will also say that I don't doubt that he feels love for you. However, love alone does not make a happy relationship, as you have found out.
Keep following your head, and not your heart. Let yourself grieve through this time, and I promise you will come out a stronger person in the end, much more prepared for what to look for when that right person does come alone.
Tight hugs!
Keep following your head, and not your heart. Let yourself grieve through this time, and I promise you will come out a stronger person in the end, much more prepared for what to look for when that right person does come alone.
Tight hugs!
Thank you for understanding. He understands that I need to move forward. He said that he knows I can't wait for him but if I ever need anything he isn't far away ... I do believe what we have is real... it is too bad love isn't enough... but it really isn't
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So...the ex-wife would be watching the kids in their (used to be your) apartment while he goes with you to Catalina for a romantic weekend?
Got your list? Add that to it.
Quitting drinking is hard, but it's not impossible...there are plenty of people here who have. He's doing nothing to demonstrate he's even considering it, even though he claims to know he's hurting everyone around him.
You've been remarkably open minded while all us who have been there, done that and have the tear- and blood-stained tee shirts to prove it have hopped up and down screaming trying to prevent you from doing what we did.
I hope you know it's from a place of care and concern.
Got your list? Add that to it.
Quitting drinking is hard, but it's not impossible...there are plenty of people here who have. He's doing nothing to demonstrate he's even considering it, even though he claims to know he's hurting everyone around him.
You've been remarkably open minded while all us who have been there, done that and have the tear- and blood-stained tee shirts to prove it have hopped up and down screaming trying to prevent you from doing what we did.
I hope you know it's from a place of care and concern.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't doubt that he thinks he loves you. But I don't think someone like him is able to love in the truest sense of the word. It's all about feelings, for him--how good does he feel when he's with you. And that's part of it, but notice it's all about HIM. Not about what makes you happy, what needs you have, what's good for you. And if he says anything about that, he will say what he thinks you need to hear, and what will soften your heart toward him--not because your needs are truly that important to him.
Alcoholics have a few "missing pieces"--notably the part that puts other people's needs ahead of their own. It takes real recovery and sustained sobriety to put those missing pieces back in place. They are what the 12 Steps of AA are designed to put into place.
Alcoholics have a few "missing pieces"--notably the part that puts other people's needs ahead of their own. It takes real recovery and sustained sobriety to put those missing pieces back in place. They are what the 12 Steps of AA are designed to put into place.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
1) If he is an active alcoholic, you cannot trust him.
2) This is probably only a test, that is, he is testing your boundaries.
3) Actions, not words
4) So, the question is, now that your boundaries have been violated, what are you going to do? (and this is the only thing that matters)
Do not be angry or disappointed. What is important is that you are aware that something is not quite right there. And even when you stop dancing to the tune of codependency, your ex will keep dancing. And you will be able to clearly see it.
2) This is probably only a test, that is, he is testing your boundaries.
3) Actions, not words
4) So, the question is, now that your boundaries have been violated, what are you going to do? (and this is the only thing that matters)
Do not be angry or disappointed. What is important is that you are aware that something is not quite right there. And even when you stop dancing to the tune of codependency, your ex will keep dancing. And you will be able to clearly see it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
I told him that I couldn't see him again. I feel relieved but really sad. My head is confused... I know he has brought so much chaos and hurt into my life but the way I feel about him when we just hang out is incredible. I don't think its fake for him. When I am with him I do think he loves me. I think he knows that his life is too ****** up to be a part of mine and I don't think he knows how bad it hurts me... I do think he is hurting that we aren't together.
((((Kaya)))) This stuff is NOT easy, not even after years & years & years of looking at it from all sides. So, you fell down. Now you stand back up.
RAH & I talked about this exact dynamic ^^ that you are talking about here & he basically told me that yes, NOW he could see the way I'd try to *love him well* but it was just lost on deaf ears as far as he was concerned at the time. It literally never registered because he could & would see things only from the perspective that he wanted to at the time - tunnel vision.
2 people standing on opposite sides of an accident might have 2 completely different version of the details - between their difference of perspective & individual strength of memory, etc.... but neither is WRONG. Neither view negates the other, does it?
So when you talk about the difference between what YOU consider real love & missing it & what HE considers the same.... well, I'd ask if you might be standing on different sides of that accident? This was a very jarring AHA moment for me in recovery, I posted about it here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nt-enough.html
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
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I once felt exactly how you feel now. My ex used to move out of our apt and back into his ex's because his "daughter needed him". My boundaries were stretched so often they finally broke. He loved me, But he didn't understand what love meant. Years have passed and I still get random text messages about how much he misses me and I was his dream girl. The beginning is the worst, I cried myself to sleep many nights. Things will get better, and no contact did wonders for me. Your brain knows what is right, it just takes a little longer for your heart to catch up. It took me close to a year from when I realized the relationship would never be what I needed to when I finally cut him off.
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Thank you everyone
He was still asking if we could be friends today and I sent him this message....
I know we talked earlier but I didn't feel finished in what I wanted to say... So here goes...Dan, you are my love, you're my heart you're my best friend and for that I need to let you go. It is not fair for me to stay in this any longer. I hope that one day you find exactly what it is that you're looking for. I can't keep playing the same game. I'm ready for something real. When you're ready for something real, I'm here..call me then. Please take this time to work on yourself and get your life together. I know you are strong and can do it. Please don't contact me until then. I say this out of love for myself and you.
I know it was gentle on him but I feel gentle. I love him I just can't be in the chaos that his life is. I talked to my sponsor after for an hour and I was honest with her about everything.... Sigh... Day 1 No contact starts tomorrow.... Again...
Wasn't worth disturbing my peace
I know we talked earlier but I didn't feel finished in what I wanted to say... So here goes...Dan, you are my love, you're my heart you're my best friend and for that I need to let you go. It is not fair for me to stay in this any longer. I hope that one day you find exactly what it is that you're looking for. I can't keep playing the same game. I'm ready for something real. When you're ready for something real, I'm here..call me then. Please take this time to work on yourself and get your life together. I know you are strong and can do it. Please don't contact me until then. I say this out of love for myself and you.
I know it was gentle on him but I feel gentle. I love him I just can't be in the chaos that his life is. I talked to my sponsor after for an hour and I was honest with her about everything.... Sigh... Day 1 No contact starts tomorrow.... Again...
Wasn't worth disturbing my peace
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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I remember the first time I got my heart broken for reals.
I had started a relationship with this guy and everything seemed perfect. We seemed perfect for each other. God he was good lookin'! And when he played that guitar and sang me those songs I felt it was a sign that we knew the same songs and same artists/musicians etc.
Our first date was perfect too. Oh the chemistry....but it didn't last....because the bomb was dropped and How...He had another girlfriend I knew nothing about who approached me on campus and said if I didn't stop seeing him she was going to commit suicide....
Okay....so, I ask him about it and he says she's "....just an old flame..." ..
Hmmmmm.
Oh man, this is the stuff the music industry thrives on...except it affect real lives and hurts real people....
I understand all about the love and falling in love....the emotional pull...it's pretty strong sometimes....but when you add up all the facts you realize it just ain't gonna work....
I had started a relationship with this guy and everything seemed perfect. We seemed perfect for each other. God he was good lookin'! And when he played that guitar and sang me those songs I felt it was a sign that we knew the same songs and same artists/musicians etc.
Our first date was perfect too. Oh the chemistry....but it didn't last....because the bomb was dropped and How...He had another girlfriend I knew nothing about who approached me on campus and said if I didn't stop seeing him she was going to commit suicide....
Okay....so, I ask him about it and he says she's "....just an old flame..." ..
Hmmmmm.
Oh man, this is the stuff the music industry thrives on...except it affect real lives and hurts real people....
I understand all about the love and falling in love....the emotional pull...it's pretty strong sometimes....but when you add up all the facts you realize it just ain't gonna work....
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