I don't know if I made a mistake or I needed this
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
I don't know if I made a mistake or I needed this
Hi everyone,
I am ashamed to tell everyone this but I think I had a relapse... kind of... well I did..my exAB texted me this morning and asked to take me to breakfast. I hadn't seen him in 2 and a half weeks and I missed him so much... I went and we ended up spending the day together... just the 2 of us... we went to breakfast... to the beach... it was such a good day... but he hasn't done anything for his alcoholism... he was drunk all weekend and I am assuming would've been drunk all day today if he wasn't with me... we cried about everything together... laughed... had a lot of quite moments... but he is still so so so far away from getting the help he needs (even though he says he wants it) and even if he got help it would be at least 1-2 years before he would be ready to be a partner to anyone... he acknowledged this as well... I love him though ... i still really do... I was able to stay distant enough today in a lot of ways that I wouldn't have been able to if I had not started alanon... started the steps ...had a sponsor and started in this amazing forum...so thank you... I was able to not try and change him ( which i did a lot as his girlfriend ) I didn't need any validation from him anymore and I was able to just accept that he is an active alcoholic and not for me in a relationship sense... I am sitting here now on 4th of July ...sober... with my cat and I am happy to not be out in the party environment ....if I was still his girlfriend I would've just went and got drunk with everyone so that I could be part of his friend group...instead I held my ground on that and we had a fairly simple day... I no longer am a part of his chaos ... I have my home that feels good to me... anyway... I guess I am feeling a little ashamed that I saw him and i have to process through those feelings now.... thanks for listening
I am ashamed to tell everyone this but I think I had a relapse... kind of... well I did..my exAB texted me this morning and asked to take me to breakfast. I hadn't seen him in 2 and a half weeks and I missed him so much... I went and we ended up spending the day together... just the 2 of us... we went to breakfast... to the beach... it was such a good day... but he hasn't done anything for his alcoholism... he was drunk all weekend and I am assuming would've been drunk all day today if he wasn't with me... we cried about everything together... laughed... had a lot of quite moments... but he is still so so so far away from getting the help he needs (even though he says he wants it) and even if he got help it would be at least 1-2 years before he would be ready to be a partner to anyone... he acknowledged this as well... I love him though ... i still really do... I was able to stay distant enough today in a lot of ways that I wouldn't have been able to if I had not started alanon... started the steps ...had a sponsor and started in this amazing forum...so thank you... I was able to not try and change him ( which i did a lot as his girlfriend ) I didn't need any validation from him anymore and I was able to just accept that he is an active alcoholic and not for me in a relationship sense... I am sitting here now on 4th of July ...sober... with my cat and I am happy to not be out in the party environment ....if I was still his girlfriend I would've just went and got drunk with everyone so that I could be part of his friend group...instead I held my ground on that and we had a fairly simple day... I no longer am a part of his chaos ... I have my home that feels good to me... anyway... I guess I am feeling a little ashamed that I saw him and i have to process through those feelings now.... thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
It is good that you held your ground and detached, but I would urge that you proceed with caution. When there are still strong feelings involved and the separation is fresh, we tend to have the ability to glamorize the good and minimize the bad - to see the humanity in our exes. That's the first reason I suggest care be taken. I fell for this in the past, and it affected me very deeply. It damaged my sense of self respect, and my respect for my own boundaries.
The other reason is because I sense that your ex still has feelings for you, and it is highly possible that he hopes to bring everything back to status quo to get the 'best' of both worlds: continuing his drinking, and not having to face consequences by getting the relationship back up and running.
Him trying to get in contact with you despite your wishes for no contact is him trying to break down your boundaries. By continuing to contact you, he is not respecting your decisions. By giving in, not only are you reducing your ability to stand up for your boundaries in the future, but you are also giving him the gratification of intermittent reinforcement which makes him more likely to try to break down your boundaries in the future. Also remember, this is the same man that you were talking about when you said:
It's clear that he is seeking further reinforcement/validation and is trying hard to chip away at those boundaries.
The other reason is because I sense that your ex still has feelings for you, and it is highly possible that he hopes to bring everything back to status quo to get the 'best' of both worlds: continuing his drinking, and not having to face consequences by getting the relationship back up and running.
Him trying to get in contact with you despite your wishes for no contact is him trying to break down your boundaries. By continuing to contact you, he is not respecting your decisions. By giving in, not only are you reducing your ability to stand up for your boundaries in the future, but you are also giving him the gratification of intermittent reinforcement which makes him more likely to try to break down your boundaries in the future. Also remember, this is the same man that you were talking about when you said:
this felt like such a betrayal... and then 2 days later ( which was today ) he asked if we could be friends with benefits....???!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Now that I think about it, it would probably be a good idea to write down that part of your post that I quoted and stick it in your purse or wallet, or somewhere that you'll see it when you wake up in the morning. It would serve as a fantastic reminder of his thought process.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey LK, glad you are still posting.
As you know, it probably wasn't a good idea to spend the day with him but being human we have all done something along these lines.
Take care of yourself and let us know how things go.
As you know, it probably wasn't a good idea to spend the day with him but being human we have all done something along these lines.
Take care of yourself and let us know how things go.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya.....when I went through my horrible break-up, after an almost 4yr. relationship.....I did see him, 2 or 3 times, at his request, in a 6mo. period...
He was the one that broke up with me.
It was purely social visit..and, there were a couple of other people there, each time,
I was amazed that I didn't have any impulse to run to his arms....It felt like he was someone that I knew really well,,,but, the angel dust was gone. No magic fair dust! Such a surprise and a relief.....
I had already done a l ot of grieving...really painful grieving.....
I became glad that he had broken up with me...because he was not the man for me, as it turned out. He did what I wouldn't have done....and I was glad.
There wasn't any alcoholism involved....but, there are lots of other things than can cause a relationship go south......
dandylion
He was the one that broke up with me.
It was purely social visit..and, there were a couple of other people there, each time,
I was amazed that I didn't have any impulse to run to his arms....It felt like he was someone that I knew really well,,,but, the angel dust was gone. No magic fair dust! Such a surprise and a relief.....
I had already done a l ot of grieving...really painful grieving.....
I became glad that he had broken up with me...because he was not the man for me, as it turned out. He did what I wouldn't have done....and I was glad.
There wasn't any alcoholism involved....but, there are lots of other things than can cause a relationship go south......
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't need to be "ashamed" that you saw him--most of us have had our "relapses"--the thing is, though, stuff like that is very dangerous. It's not that different from the alcoholic who has put down a drink for a few weeks, and decides to just "test" by having a couple of beers. They tend to post, after the fact, that it wasn't that great, that they really now SEE how unappealing alcohol is, and they are getting right back on track.
The problem is, they (and you) have fed the obsession. You got a little respite from your pain of grieving the loss, but at what cost? Even though you say you see that he is still drinking, you will be mulling over what a nice day it was, the beach together, blah blah, yada yada. And it becomes a little bit easier for you to respond to the next text, to answer the next phone call, and before you know it, you're giving him "one more chance."
It's no better for you than picking up the "test drink" is for the alcoholic.
So don't beat yourself up, but recognize that you're playing with fire.
The problem is, they (and you) have fed the obsession. You got a little respite from your pain of grieving the loss, but at what cost? Even though you say you see that he is still drinking, you will be mulling over what a nice day it was, the beach together, blah blah, yada yada. And it becomes a little bit easier for you to respond to the next text, to answer the next phone call, and before you know it, you're giving him "one more chance."
It's no better for you than picking up the "test drink" is for the alcoholic.
So don't beat yourself up, but recognize that you're playing with fire.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
How's it going with his ex wife living with him?
Him being charming and sad and romantic doesn't change the facts.
We can get hooked on the lows as well as the highs. You've been here before with an ex who was a sociopath, IIRC?
Getting addicted to drama will make the rest of your life sooo much more difficult than it needs to be.
Be careful. This has "welcome to an addict 'love' triangle nightmare" written all over it.
Him being charming and sad and romantic doesn't change the facts.
We can get hooked on the lows as well as the highs. You've been here before with an ex who was a sociopath, IIRC?
Getting addicted to drama will make the rest of your life sooo much more difficult than it needs to be.
Be careful. This has "welcome to an addict 'love' triangle nightmare" written all over it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
youtook the words right out of my mouth
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You don't need to be "ashamed" that you saw him--most of us have had our "relapses"--the thing is, though, stuff like that is very dangerous. It's not that different from the alcoholic who has put down a drink for a few weeks, and decides to just "test" by having a couple of beers. They tend to post, after the fact, that it wasn't that great, that they really now SEE how unappealing alcohol is, and they are getting right back on track.
The problem is, they (and you) have fed the obsession. You got a little respite from your pain of grieving the loss, but at what cost? Even though you say you see that he is still drinking, you will be mulling over what a nice day it was, the beach together, blah blah, yada yada. And it becomes a little bit easier for you to respond to the next text, to answer the next phone call, and before you know it, you're giving him "one more chance."
It's no better for you than picking up the "test drink" is for the alcoholic.
So don't beat yourself up, but recognize that you're playing with fire.
The problem is, they (and you) have fed the obsession. You got a little respite from your pain of grieving the loss, but at what cost? Even though you say you see that he is still drinking, you will be mulling over what a nice day it was, the beach together, blah blah, yada yada. And it becomes a little bit easier for you to respond to the next text, to answer the next phone call, and before you know it, you're giving him "one more chance."
It's no better for you than picking up the "test drink" is for the alcoholic.
So don't beat yourself up, but recognize that you're playing with fire.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya.....when I went through my horrible break-up, after an almost 4yr. relationship.....I did see him, 2 or 3 times, at his request, in a 6mo. period...
He was the one that broke up with me.
It was purely social visit..and, there were a couple of other people there, each time,
I was amazed that I didn't have any impulse to run to his arms....It felt like he was someone that I knew really well,,,but, the angel dust was gone. No magic fair dust! Such a surprise and a relief.....
I had already done a l ot of grieving...really painful grieving.....
I became glad that he had broken up with me...because he was not the man for me, as it turned out. He did what I wouldn't have done....and I was glad.
There wasn't any alcoholism involved....but, there are lots of other things than can cause a relationship go south......
dandylion
He was the one that broke up with me.
It was purely social visit..and, there were a couple of other people there, each time,
I was amazed that I didn't have any impulse to run to his arms....It felt like he was someone that I knew really well,,,but, the angel dust was gone. No magic fair dust! Such a surprise and a relief.....
I had already done a l ot of grieving...really painful grieving.....
I became glad that he had broken up with me...because he was not the man for me, as it turned out. He did what I wouldn't have done....and I was glad.
There wasn't any alcoholism involved....but, there are lots of other things than can cause a relationship go south......
dandylion
Thank you so much for this... Some of the magic dust was still there... I was however less attracted to him than before... which felt strange. I also was really un attracted to the fact that he had been wasted all weekend... Before it was status quo and I was used to being around him so often drunk... I was able to not take his drinking personally...not get drunk myself (in order to fit in so to speak)... and it felt better. I do think I am playing with fire ... and I know I need to stop
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey LK, glad you are still posting.
As you know, it probably wasn't a good idea to spend the day with him but being human we have all done something along these lines.
Take care of yourself and let us know how things go.
As you know, it probably wasn't a good idea to spend the day with him but being human we have all done something along these lines.
Take care of yourself and let us know how things go.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Thomas45
It is good that you held your ground and detached, but I would urge that you proceed with caution. When there are still strong feelings involved and the separation is fresh, we tend to have the ability to glamorize the good and minimize the bad - to see the humanity in our exes. That's the first reason I suggest care be taken. I fell for this in the past, and it affected me very deeply. It damaged my sense of self respect, and my respect for my own boundaries.
The other reason is because I sense that your ex still has feelings for you, and it is highly possible that he hopes to bring everything back to status quo to get the 'best' of both worlds: continuing his drinking, and not having to face consequences by getting the relationship back up and running.
Him trying to get in contact with you despite your wishes for no contact is him trying to break down your boundaries. By continuing to contact you, he is not respecting your decisions. By giving in, not only are you reducing your ability to stand up for your boundaries in the future, but you are also giving him the gratification of intermittent reinforcement which makes him more likely to try to break down your boundaries in the future. Also remember, this is the same man that you were talking about when you said:
It's clear that he is seeking further reinforcement/validation and is trying hard to chip away at those boundaries.
The other reason is because I sense that your ex still has feelings for you, and it is highly possible that he hopes to bring everything back to status quo to get the 'best' of both worlds: continuing his drinking, and not having to face consequences by getting the relationship back up and running.
Him trying to get in contact with you despite your wishes for no contact is him trying to break down your boundaries. By continuing to contact you, he is not respecting your decisions. By giving in, not only are you reducing your ability to stand up for your boundaries in the future, but you are also giving him the gratification of intermittent reinforcement which makes him more likely to try to break down your boundaries in the future. Also remember, this is the same man that you were talking about when you said:
It's clear that he is seeking further reinforcement/validation and is trying hard to chip away at those boundaries.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
How's it going with his ex wife living with him?
Him being charming and sad and romantic doesn't change the facts.
We can get hooked on the lows as well as the highs. You've been here before with an ex who was a sociopath, IIRC?
Getting addicted to drama will make the rest of your life sooo much more difficult than it needs to be.
Be careful. This has "welcome to an addict 'love' triangle nightmare" written all over it.
Him being charming and sad and romantic doesn't change the facts.
We can get hooked on the lows as well as the highs. You've been here before with an ex who was a sociopath, IIRC?
Getting addicted to drama will make the rest of your life sooo much more difficult than it needs to be.
Be careful. This has "welcome to an addict 'love' triangle nightmare" written all over it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like bad news all around......he just had his EX move in, before you even had all your stuff OUT, supposedly for the benefit of his CHILDREN, and now all of the sudden he's asking YOU out to breakfast and spending the day with you.
it's a set up. the man really is quite a pathetic mess, AND hungover, yet you still found him charming and fun to be with. YOUR actions are telling him just how rotten he can treat you AND GET AWAY WITH IT, cuz you'll come back for more.
somebody help me find the Intermittent Chicken thread, quick!
it's a set up. the man really is quite a pathetic mess, AND hungover, yet you still found him charming and fun to be with. YOUR actions are telling him just how rotten he can treat you AND GET AWAY WITH IT, cuz you'll come back for more.
somebody help me find the Intermittent Chicken thread, quick!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
I know it was a bad idea
I know it was a terrible Idea... I agree with everyone... I know that I have been crying myself to sleep for weeks... I know I shouldn't have seen him and trust me I feel weak... I know I shouldn't still be near him even if I feel like I love him... I know all of this... I just was posting on here so that I could get it out... I feel too ashamed to tell my friends or family...I will be telling my sponsor... But I won't see her for a few days so I just wanted to post it here so it wasn't eating me up inside
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Please understand that no matter what words came out of your mouth while you were with him all day, all he will have taken away from that day is that you're still an option, no matter what he does. He'll be back and soon.
Sorry to be blunt, but I just wish a few more people had been blunt with me in my past...it could have saved me three years of idiocy.
P.S. This is hard, it really is, and you have my sympathy...but it eats you up inside not to see him, it eats you up inside to have seen him. One of those choices can lead to healing, right? And the other...
Sorry to be blunt, but I just wish a few more people had been blunt with me in my past...it could have saved me three years of idiocy.
P.S. This is hard, it really is, and you have my sympathy...but it eats you up inside not to see him, it eats you up inside to have seen him. One of those choices can lead to healing, right? And the other...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Anvil - looking for this?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....what is the next best action when one falls off the horse?.....get right back on the horse......
Remember, that any encouragement from you just increases his knowledge that he can stil lwear you down
and soften your edges. He is going to want to run to you from shelter for his personal issues when his current "situation" implodes.....and, it will.......
dandylion
Remember, that any encouragement from you just increases his knowledge that he can stil lwear you down
and soften your edges. He is going to want to run to you from shelter for his personal issues when his current "situation" implodes.....and, it will.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Ah yes, triangulation.
I believe this is what axbf tried to do to me at the end of our relationship. He had never brought another woman into our lives or arguments (until the very end) but would often pit me against "everyone else". It makes you feel like you have to defend yourself and/or compete! If you are competing you may be distracted from whether or not this is something you actually want.
If you don't hear from him for a while and he states his reason for disappearing was the other woman... that would be the intermittent reward and triangulation in full affect.
I believe this is what axbf tried to do to me at the end of our relationship. He had never brought another woman into our lives or arguments (until the very end) but would often pit me against "everyone else". It makes you feel like you have to defend yourself and/or compete! If you are competing you may be distracted from whether or not this is something you actually want.
If you don't hear from him for a while and he states his reason for disappearing was the other woman... that would be the intermittent reward and triangulation in full affect.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Expanding
If you don't hear from him for a while and he states his reason for disappearing was the other woman... that would be the intermittent reward and triangulation in full affect.
Oh the flashbacks. I was such a slow learner...it's been nearly three decades and I'm still mortified...I used to defend him to my friends.
LK, don't do it to yourself, okay?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
