I Was Here a Long Time Before

Old 03-11-2016, 04:10 AM
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I Was Here a Long Time Before

but I can't get on my account. My name was Tansy on my old account.. Am updating the good and the bad today.

The good:- I still have my boys living with me and we moved to a nicer area before Christmas, They are happy and settled with me. Life is peaceful. They have seen their dad for what he is and are coming to terms with that with help.

I got my cats back They are also happy and settled.

I met someone. We are taking it slow. No sleepovers, no expectations just lots of chat and dates. He's very caring and supportive and gets on well with my boys. He's helped a lot in my recovery process.

My exah moved house and we no longer hear from him. I can laugh now. He phoned out of the blue asking me to take a leather belt, 40 cigarettes and a new wheelchair to the hospital to him, where he was in yet again. I didn't go but his shopping list made me grin to myself. His antics don't bother me anymore.

My two eldest still visit and we are close.

The bad:-

I got into a strange church that, for a while, tried to control me. I've left now but it made a huge gap in my friendships as all of them were in that church. My voluntary jobs were in the church too. I am at a bit of a loose end now.

My estranged dd is expecting a child and getting married. It has hit me how much I have lost with this news. She wrote me to tell me and reiterated I was never seeing the baby or any future ones. It was a mean spiteful letter. I didn't deserve it.

I've been ill. I had pneumonia and have not felt great for 3 months healthwise.

What I have learnt?

I was/am way more screwed up then I gave myself credit for ....way more. lol . Normal things like my bf hugging me or sitting with his arm around me while we watch TV are new to me. Him bringing me groceries when I was ill was new to me too. I am not used to be cared for. It's great in one way and scary in another. The more normal life becomes the more I see how far I have to go. Am strong and OK by myself. I like myself now.

So that's me. Still plodding two steps forward 3 steps back.
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Old 03-11-2016, 04:21 AM
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Welcome ladybird!
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Old 03-11-2016, 05:02 AM
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It sounds like far more good news than bad.

You did the best you could at the time ladybird--don't be hard on yourself.
Sounds like you're making rapid progress now.
Thanks for updating and I hope you stick around some and
post a bit
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Old 03-11-2016, 05:59 AM
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We spent years living in unhealthy ways. Recovery is going to take time, and there are bound to be some stumbles along the way.

Like Hawkeye said, it sounds as if, on balance, your life is definitely trending towards the plus side of the ledger.

Hang in, and thanks for stopping by to update.
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:11 AM
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Welcome back!

I get the strangeness of someone being nice to you. I'm dating again and I see I have a hard time with compliments and someone wanting to do something for me just because with no hidden agenda. It is weird, but you know what, we deserve to be treated well. Hugs..you sound like you're doing pretty good and it will only keep getting better the more you work on yourself.
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Old 03-11-2016, 08:00 AM
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"I like myself now"

That's Huge!! So very happy for you!

Since you haven't felt well the last few months,
have you had your vit D level checked lately? Low levels
contribute to a wide array of poor health issues, low functioning
immune system, depression, and many others. Obviously
the stress of huge life changes is at work here also, but
please take care of yourself and get it checked out.
I feel best at a level over 50 ng/ml which is higher than
normal range on most lab tests, but optimal for most
people and current research confirms.
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Old 03-11-2016, 08:05 AM
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(((TANSY!!))

Still plodding two steps forward 3 steps back.
It sounds the reverse to me. Sad about your daughter and X. I hope they both come around one day, but you sound pretty great! Feel better soon!
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Old 03-11-2016, 08:36 AM
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Tansy!!!! It's so good to hear from you!

It sounds like progress is being made! Keep moving forward, and eventually being treated with kindness and respect will become your new normal.

Many hugs, it's great to hear from you!
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Old 03-11-2016, 09:01 AM
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Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I came back now. I was feeling a bit down but reading them made me see I have come a long way. I have a future to look forward to now with exciting possibilities instead of the endless same old, same old. I don't need a man in my life now.This one is treating me well but I know if that stops I can send him on his way in a heartbeat. Am looking forward to catching up with you all.xx
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Old 03-11-2016, 09:09 AM
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Hi Tansy, welcome back !!!!! So happy to see you and the update.

I also have to agree with everyone else, you are doing great. I do remember when you were posting here and you lived in that house, and almost felt like a captive there. Look at you now !!!!!

I'm so happy to here that the boys are doing well, and it sounds like they made the adjustment. How old are they now? I think close to age 18. Are they attending any programs?

Just really glad you are back and posting, I missed you.

((((((hugs)))))
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Old 03-11-2016, 09:42 AM
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Thank you for your post! It is inspiring to those of us who are just starting the scary journey in leaving our A's. I'm glad to hear you are doing well and have found happiness.
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:14 AM
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My two steps back today were my dd got married and I wasn't invited and my boyfriend is moving to Europe in July so we've decided to just be friends. My boys went to the wedding. I went to work lol. They took photos and dd looked stunning. It was a sad and happy day. I had a cry in the shower. Bf wise I've decided, as everyone leaves me sooner or later once I've fulfilled my use, I am better off on my own. I am not going with him. My boys need stability not being dragged to another country to live. I've not been with bf long enough to have that sort of commitment to him either. So back to me on my own again.
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:31 AM
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Ladybird....I don't know the reasons for your daughter's "position".....but, as a mother, myself....I can relate to how deeply it must have hurt not to be i nvited to your daughter's wedding. It does sound like she is bitter and trying to be hurtful......
These things cut deep into a mother's heart....

I can "hear" in your posting that you love her....
That is what we mothers do...isn't it....we love them....even when they are unlovable.....
There are times that we just have to turn it over to the Universe...

With much empathy.....

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Old 04-02-2016, 10:56 AM
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Thank you Dandylion. I don't know her reasons either. Ex alienated her from me and two of her sisters but the reasons are unclear as to why it has carried on now as none of them speak to him anymore. Her older siblings are as puzzled as me. Yes I love her. I always will. It was dull here today and I prayed for sunshine for her cos I wanted her wedding to be special. The sun came out Am bracing myself now for the arrival of her baby I will never see and never get to cuddle and love.
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Old 04-02-2016, 11:14 AM
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Ladybird......I understand your feelings....but, try not to "futuretrip" too much.
The future is unwritten....and, over time...anything can change....
Nothing stays static....not forever.....

When a person becomes a parent for the first time....in a flash...the whole world looks a bit different....
She may take on a whole different understanding of your worth as a mother...
I have seen that happen soo many times.....
I have seen lots of examples of estrangements within a family....that did not last forever.....
Your kids still have a lot of learning and maturing to go through....

Keep the faith, Ladybird.....

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Old 04-02-2016, 11:39 AM
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Ladybird.....please don't think that your are just a person to be used.....because your boyfriend is moving to Europe....
It is a DATING situation, after all.....
If you all are not at that commitment stage....you just aren't.....
There is no greater meaning than that....It sure as hell doesn't say something about your worth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will need to destroy some of those negative self-talk tapes that play in your head.....lol...

dandylion
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Old 04-02-2016, 12:22 PM
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Tansy/Ladybird, welcome back!!

I'm sorry you were not able to attend your daughter's wedding, I agree about not looking to far into the future, motherhood has a way of making all of us see things differently. I hope your daughter feels differently in the future.
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Old 04-03-2016, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Ladybird.....please don't think that your are just a person to be used.....because your boyfriend is moving to Europe....
It is a DATING situation, after all.....
If you all are not at that commitment stage....you just aren't.....
There is no greater meaning than that....It sure as hell doesn't say something about your worth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will need to destroy some of those negative self-talk tapes that play in your head.....lol...

dandylion
LOL on the negative self talk tapes. I think the fact he decided to go after he's been seeing me 9 months proved I don't mean much to him even tho he made out I did. I don't think am worthless but I do think am wising up. He wanted us to be exclusive, he discussed future plans for both of us then he changed his mind. I know it happens. I should shrug it off but it just another set back. Between my kids and him my confidence has taken a beating.
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Old 04-03-2016, 09:55 AM
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Hey Tansy,

I have to say that I have the utmost respect for you. You have made so many changes for your own betterment and that of your sons that are living with you.

I am so sorry about your daughters wedding, but things will work out there. I know this because my son at one point didn't want to invite me to his wedding. I do know that pain.

You are always in my heart.

((((((hugs))))))
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Old 04-03-2016, 10:50 AM
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LB, I've heard a number of AA/Alanon speakers talk about reunion with kids who went no-contact, so perhaps don't decide for sure on the 'never'. You never know what can happen...
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