Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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For now I've ended up with the dog while she plays her disappearing act, but that's fine. Days are numbering down and it's getting tougher so the sooner it's over, the better.
She didn't show up at the neighborhood 4th of July BBQ last night but she drove by. She stopped by the house to take something that wasn't really hers (a small piece of furniture) for her new place. So now she's trying to press buttons. She can have it if she really wanted it that bad. I don't want to argue. She's been scarce since, so I'm taking care of the dog as usual before I head off to work. Assume she'll duck back in when she knows I'm gone, hopefully to actually start moving HER stuff across town.
The BBQ was fun in that it was nice that I could actually have a few drinks myself (like I said, I'm not a non-drinker) but not have to worry about looking over my shoulder at her the entire night or having to try and corral her out and get her home before she went too overboard. I enjoyed social time and talked to a few of the closer neighbors about what was going on. It was a little weird as I think they don't quite get it as far as what the difference is in the way she drinks vs. the way they drink. I guess unless you live with it, it's hard to explain to other people what's different.
The neighborhood here is social and all of them do enjoy their alcohol at social events so it was probably never going to be a good fit for her here. If she ever decides to clean up the drinking, she'd be better off isolated from it.
I'm struggling a bit today with the hypocritical feelings of going to a BBQ and having some drinks. I am a social drinker and despite what's happened with XAGF I still feel no shame in drinking alcohol. I have just become a lot more choosy about when I do it, and how much, through the experiences I have had with her in my life. Hard to explain, but it's just different.
Still, in her mind I'm sure me drinking at the BBQ is a complete and total hypocrite type move. After all, I asked her to move out because of her drinking, then while she's moving out I go somewhere and drink? So it's a weird situation I guess. I suppose the difference is that I don't crave it, want it, have a problem stopping with it, or let it run my life. After yesterday I could care less when my next drink is, and I certainly don't intend to imbibe this week while everything else is going on. I'm depressed enough about the relationship ending, I don't need to pile on with booze.
Anyway, that's where I am for now. It's been a slow crawl but I think the rubber has to meet the road soon. I am trying my best not to get inside her head but it will be easier when I can get to NC. With enough motivation by today she could have had most of her things out of my place. Instead she's moved nothing except a piece of furniture that is mine, and asked me where random items of hers are packed away so I could get them out of storage, and have them sit there in a pile and not be moved.
So it goes. One more week and hopefully we are through the tough stuff with her, then the tough work on myself begins.
She didn't show up at the neighborhood 4th of July BBQ last night but she drove by. She stopped by the house to take something that wasn't really hers (a small piece of furniture) for her new place. So now she's trying to press buttons. She can have it if she really wanted it that bad. I don't want to argue. She's been scarce since, so I'm taking care of the dog as usual before I head off to work. Assume she'll duck back in when she knows I'm gone, hopefully to actually start moving HER stuff across town.
The BBQ was fun in that it was nice that I could actually have a few drinks myself (like I said, I'm not a non-drinker) but not have to worry about looking over my shoulder at her the entire night or having to try and corral her out and get her home before she went too overboard. I enjoyed social time and talked to a few of the closer neighbors about what was going on. It was a little weird as I think they don't quite get it as far as what the difference is in the way she drinks vs. the way they drink. I guess unless you live with it, it's hard to explain to other people what's different.
The neighborhood here is social and all of them do enjoy their alcohol at social events so it was probably never going to be a good fit for her here. If she ever decides to clean up the drinking, she'd be better off isolated from it.
I'm struggling a bit today with the hypocritical feelings of going to a BBQ and having some drinks. I am a social drinker and despite what's happened with XAGF I still feel no shame in drinking alcohol. I have just become a lot more choosy about when I do it, and how much, through the experiences I have had with her in my life. Hard to explain, but it's just different.
Still, in her mind I'm sure me drinking at the BBQ is a complete and total hypocrite type move. After all, I asked her to move out because of her drinking, then while she's moving out I go somewhere and drink? So it's a weird situation I guess. I suppose the difference is that I don't crave it, want it, have a problem stopping with it, or let it run my life. After yesterday I could care less when my next drink is, and I certainly don't intend to imbibe this week while everything else is going on. I'm depressed enough about the relationship ending, I don't need to pile on with booze.
Anyway, that's where I am for now. It's been a slow crawl but I think the rubber has to meet the road soon. I am trying my best not to get inside her head but it will be easier when I can get to NC. With enough motivation by today she could have had most of her things out of my place. Instead she's moved nothing except a piece of furniture that is mine, and asked me where random items of hers are packed away so I could get them out of storage, and have them sit there in a pile and not be moved.
So it goes. One more week and hopefully we are through the tough stuff with her, then the tough work on myself begins.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wells....I imagine that you are doing a mental "argument" with her in your head.....
If you have tried to understand her thinking for a long time and tried to help control her drinking...or been blamed for her drinking.....
I think it would be a hard habit to break.....constantly wondering how she would judge your behaviors....
If this is true...remember...you don't have to JADE.....justify/argue/defend/ explain.......
I think that alcoholics, unless they are in genuine recovery, envy and resent all those who are able to drink normally.......
dandylion
If you have tried to understand her thinking for a long time and tried to help control her drinking...or been blamed for her drinking.....
I think it would be a hard habit to break.....constantly wondering how she would judge your behaviors....
If this is true...remember...you don't have to JADE.....justify/argue/defend/ explain.......
I think that alcoholics, unless they are in genuine recovery, envy and resent all those who are able to drink normally.......
dandylion
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I think I'd give her a firm move-out deadline. As in, by the end of next weekend.
My bet is that she'll give you a raft of excuses and try to do more foot-dragging.
If she does, I think I would offer to pay for a mover just to get the crap out of there and put an end to it. You can ask her to pay you back (though I wouldn't count on seeing it). This could drag on for weeks at the rate she's going, and you have a right to your own space so you can move on with your life.
Just a thought. What I'd do.
My bet is that she'll give you a raft of excuses and try to do more foot-dragging.
If she does, I think I would offer to pay for a mover just to get the crap out of there and put an end to it. You can ask her to pay you back (though I wouldn't count on seeing it). This could drag on for weeks at the rate she's going, and you have a right to your own space so you can move on with your life.
Just a thought. What I'd do.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Thanks for the support today! I appreciate it. She has over $4000 of new furniture showing up at her new place tomorrow. So I'm pretty sure she's intent on being there then, at least for a while. We had a brief chat this morning and she's told me she's working on it as fast as possible, that she "knows I want this to be over" and she's looking into hiring movers already (her own dime) for the heavy stuff this weekend. Smaller stuff is starting to go though there are some mechanical issues that are being worked on at the new place today.
Things are civil. We're both in the same spot. Sad. Wishing it didn't happen. Knowing it had to happen. She said "I can't do this every year" (we've hit critical mass before, last summer was another almost breakup but this one has gone way further along). I agreed, and let her know I couldn't keep doing it either. She knows.
She did mention in passing that once she is settled that she is quitting drinking. I know it's all talk, but I was happy to hear that somewhere in herself, her brain is telling her that the drinking led to where we are today. Easier said than done to stop, I realize, but I do hope she gives it a try. And if it took this level of loss and heartache to get her to that point, I actually feel good about it. The heartbreak stinks, but if it leads her to recovery, I will be really happy for her.
Things are civil. We're both in the same spot. Sad. Wishing it didn't happen. Knowing it had to happen. She said "I can't do this every year" (we've hit critical mass before, last summer was another almost breakup but this one has gone way further along). I agreed, and let her know I couldn't keep doing it either. She knows.
She did mention in passing that once she is settled that she is quitting drinking. I know it's all talk, but I was happy to hear that somewhere in herself, her brain is telling her that the drinking led to where we are today. Easier said than done to stop, I realize, but I do hope she gives it a try. And if it took this level of loss and heartache to get her to that point, I actually feel good about it. The heartbreak stinks, but if it leads her to recovery, I will be really happy for her.
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My codie self is really kicking in today, with all the thoughts that I've read about here and seen others doing that I'm sure many of you can relate to.
I'm at least beyond the blame stage now, I don't feel at all responsible for where we are and what caused the breakup. If anything, I am looking back and realizing there were so many incidents relating to drinking that should have been the "last straw" and they weren't. The funny thing is, she wouldn't remember any of them, because any time she got THAT drunk, she forgot about it the next day. Isn't that wild? That only I remember all the horrible incidents, and in her mind it's just blackness? I wonder if that's part of the key to As. If they had video playback of all this stuff, I wonder if that would change anything. Remember "Christmas Carol" or "Scrooged" when Scrooge could see the effects of his actions and behavior by going back in time?
I remember one time we were on vacation and for whatever reason the tables turned. I think this was the only time in our 10 year relationship that she was on the other side of the coin. About 3 years ago we were at a bar and I became the one who went over the line and had too many (I can't recall why, sick as that is, other than to only have a vague recollection of the events that night). I remember I got ridiculously angry and rude towards her. Thankfully, not violent, I don't have that bone in my body but apparently I got irrationally angry, mean, and passed out from drinking.
The next day, she woke up, and we talked about it. She talked about how scary it was. I told her that was how it was for me almost every time she drank. It was like looking in the mirror if she had the power to do it drunk. She told me that when we got home, she was quitting drinking. That was the only length of sobriety in our 10 year relationship (6 months). After she saw it first-hand.
I'm angry about the situation today and I don't know why. I'm also thinking irrationally. It must be because I am lonely and missing hers and the dogs companionship. I look at places in the house I used to see the dog and it's gone. I hate the empty bed. I hate the quiet house. I hate talking to myself. I've got neighbors, friends, etc, and plenty to do, and everyone has been around. A great support system telling me all the things that they should about leaving it all behind, not looking back, how great life will be in a year, etc. Yet when they walk away, they don't have the big hole in their life that I have.
I find myself wishing there was a way she would commit to sobriety and I could know it would stick this time, so I can welcome her back and we can watch all this wash over us. Then I rationalize how impossible of a life that would be. Would I give up social drinking completely? Overall or just in front of her? Would we have to avoid family events, parties, friends, because of the alcohol temptation for her? It's nuts -- It is SUCH an impossible road. I think that's what drives us codies crazy. Despite the struggle there is this pipe dream of it being normal again. Having our loved ones back, sober, for life, forgiving, forgetting, and having this new relationship that is better than anything that came before. That's where I'm at today. I want my life back, just a new sober life, and I'm rational so I realize it's 99.9% impossible that it can happen because of all that would have to happen. I read the stories here and in the A forum. I know it's what we often dream about as codies/normies when we lose someone we love to this. I think the anger today, is knowing first of all that I want them back...but also knowing that it goes against any sort of logic and track record of those who have walked in my shoes before.
I'm at least beyond the blame stage now, I don't feel at all responsible for where we are and what caused the breakup. If anything, I am looking back and realizing there were so many incidents relating to drinking that should have been the "last straw" and they weren't. The funny thing is, she wouldn't remember any of them, because any time she got THAT drunk, she forgot about it the next day. Isn't that wild? That only I remember all the horrible incidents, and in her mind it's just blackness? I wonder if that's part of the key to As. If they had video playback of all this stuff, I wonder if that would change anything. Remember "Christmas Carol" or "Scrooged" when Scrooge could see the effects of his actions and behavior by going back in time?
I remember one time we were on vacation and for whatever reason the tables turned. I think this was the only time in our 10 year relationship that she was on the other side of the coin. About 3 years ago we were at a bar and I became the one who went over the line and had too many (I can't recall why, sick as that is, other than to only have a vague recollection of the events that night). I remember I got ridiculously angry and rude towards her. Thankfully, not violent, I don't have that bone in my body but apparently I got irrationally angry, mean, and passed out from drinking.
The next day, she woke up, and we talked about it. She talked about how scary it was. I told her that was how it was for me almost every time she drank. It was like looking in the mirror if she had the power to do it drunk. She told me that when we got home, she was quitting drinking. That was the only length of sobriety in our 10 year relationship (6 months). After she saw it first-hand.
I'm angry about the situation today and I don't know why. I'm also thinking irrationally. It must be because I am lonely and missing hers and the dogs companionship. I look at places in the house I used to see the dog and it's gone. I hate the empty bed. I hate the quiet house. I hate talking to myself. I've got neighbors, friends, etc, and plenty to do, and everyone has been around. A great support system telling me all the things that they should about leaving it all behind, not looking back, how great life will be in a year, etc. Yet when they walk away, they don't have the big hole in their life that I have.
I find myself wishing there was a way she would commit to sobriety and I could know it would stick this time, so I can welcome her back and we can watch all this wash over us. Then I rationalize how impossible of a life that would be. Would I give up social drinking completely? Overall or just in front of her? Would we have to avoid family events, parties, friends, because of the alcohol temptation for her? It's nuts -- It is SUCH an impossible road. I think that's what drives us codies crazy. Despite the struggle there is this pipe dream of it being normal again. Having our loved ones back, sober, for life, forgiving, forgetting, and having this new relationship that is better than anything that came before. That's where I'm at today. I want my life back, just a new sober life, and I'm rational so I realize it's 99.9% impossible that it can happen because of all that would have to happen. I read the stories here and in the A forum. I know it's what we often dream about as codies/normies when we lose someone we love to this. I think the anger today, is knowing first of all that I want them back...but also knowing that it goes against any sort of logic and track record of those who have walked in my shoes before.
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Wells, it took a lot to write that, and I applaud you. I'm sure the road ahead of you will be rough for awhile, and it sucks.
You mentioned when the A's black out and then the next day they go on their merry way because they have no recollection, and therefor no remorse. I have seen that more times that I wish to remember.
I'm glad that you are also seeing the realistic view of the future, and how basically impossible it is for everything to fall into place like we always hoped it would.
You're doing well, and you will find your way out of the dark times.
COD
You mentioned when the A's black out and then the next day they go on their merry way because they have no recollection, and therefor no remorse. I have seen that more times that I wish to remember.
I'm glad that you are also seeing the realistic view of the future, and how basically impossible it is for everything to fall into place like we always hoped it would.
You're doing well, and you will find your way out of the dark times.
COD
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Wells....I think that something that you are missing...or, rather, is getting overlooked in all the co-dependency talk....is that you still have to grieve over the loss. Grief will have it's way...regardless ...
I think that the true body of grieving is just hitting...even though you may have been doing a bit of pre=grieving work in dribs and drabs. It is hard to grieve completely until the real loss happens....
Friend, I think that you are just arriving at that....now that she is not in your immediate environment....
grieving is a natural and necessary process and it hurts like hell....
Remember that Co-dependents grieve loss and hurt the same as someone who isn't.....and the reason is the same....loss of something that has been very dear to you....
Maybe, do a bit of reading about grieving so that you know what to expect...
Also, know that it won't always feel this way.....
You will feel happy, again...you will laugh again....
dandylion
I think that the true body of grieving is just hitting...even though you may have been doing a bit of pre=grieving work in dribs and drabs. It is hard to grieve completely until the real loss happens....
Friend, I think that you are just arriving at that....now that she is not in your immediate environment....
grieving is a natural and necessary process and it hurts like hell....
Remember that Co-dependents grieve loss and hurt the same as someone who isn't.....and the reason is the same....loss of something that has been very dear to you....
Maybe, do a bit of reading about grieving so that you know what to expect...
Also, know that it won't always feel this way.....
You will feel happy, again...you will laugh again....
dandylion
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Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yet when they walk away, they don't have the big hole in their life that I have. We don't know privately what many people are going through. A lot of people choose not to share their pain. Most people have endured a break up, or a divorce by the time they are in their early 20's. These people may not currently being going through what you are, I feel they are speaking to you from experience.
Then I rationalize how impossible of a life that would be. Would I give up social drinking completely? Overall or just in front of her? Would we have to avoid family events, parties, friends, because of the alcohol temptation for her? It's nuts -- It is SUCH an impossible road. No its not. You were never given the opportunity to navigate through it because she never committed to a program. Sure, some things would have changed. As time goes on and the recovering alcoholic gets more recovery under their belt things become very normalized - a new normal. I will drink n front of my husband, its a rare occasion. I used to drink a lot more before we got together. We will go to parties and outings where alcohol is present and some people may drink to excess. As long as my husband doesn't get stuck talking to a drunk person its not a problem. The one line that we no longer cross is going to a bar, I mean a real bar, not sitting in one in a restaurant waiting for a table. We did go to bars when we first got together I would have a cocktail. he initially drank cokes then began with non-alcoholic beer which was the prelude to his relapse. I also know recovering alcoholics that may patron a bar for a trivia night or pool and have no problem . Its personal to each person what is ok. I prefer the way things are now - in fact - I rarely ever drink because I do not like how it makes me feel the next day.
Breaking up is painful Wells, and there is no way around it. I think sometimes those left in the residence having the harder load because you are looking at the memories daily, not the one moving to a new place with lots to do, and zero memories. That's not to say its all peachy for your Ex, I don't want to imply she isn't struggling, I don't know just as you don't know. Being in a long term relationship is an identity. You have gone from Ms. Alcoholics boyfriend to just Mr. Wells. Go easy on yourself and trust that in time you will start establishing yourself as a single person. The memories will fade, the silence in the house won't be deafening.
Then I rationalize how impossible of a life that would be. Would I give up social drinking completely? Overall or just in front of her? Would we have to avoid family events, parties, friends, because of the alcohol temptation for her? It's nuts -- It is SUCH an impossible road. No its not. You were never given the opportunity to navigate through it because she never committed to a program. Sure, some things would have changed. As time goes on and the recovering alcoholic gets more recovery under their belt things become very normalized - a new normal. I will drink n front of my husband, its a rare occasion. I used to drink a lot more before we got together. We will go to parties and outings where alcohol is present and some people may drink to excess. As long as my husband doesn't get stuck talking to a drunk person its not a problem. The one line that we no longer cross is going to a bar, I mean a real bar, not sitting in one in a restaurant waiting for a table. We did go to bars when we first got together I would have a cocktail. he initially drank cokes then began with non-alcoholic beer which was the prelude to his relapse. I also know recovering alcoholics that may patron a bar for a trivia night or pool and have no problem . Its personal to each person what is ok. I prefer the way things are now - in fact - I rarely ever drink because I do not like how it makes me feel the next day.
Breaking up is painful Wells, and there is no way around it. I think sometimes those left in the residence having the harder load because you are looking at the memories daily, not the one moving to a new place with lots to do, and zero memories. That's not to say its all peachy for your Ex, I don't want to imply she isn't struggling, I don't know just as you don't know. Being in a long term relationship is an identity. You have gone from Ms. Alcoholics boyfriend to just Mr. Wells. Go easy on yourself and trust that in time you will start establishing yourself as a single person. The memories will fade, the silence in the house won't be deafening.
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Agree with everything red said. Being with someone in sobriety is different, but not THAT different (other than having a reliable partner who is "all there"). It's really academic at this point. Hopefully she gets there eventually, but it's useless to future-trip about it until/unless it happens. It will be good for her, regardless of whether you ever reconcile, and you can be quietly happy for her even if you don't.
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Thanks for all the replies here, it's really interesting to hear it from both points of view as well so I additionally appreciate that.
To sum it up as just loss and grief is a good way to describe how I'm feeling today. Possibly mixed with a little dash of occasional anger because of being powerless to do anything about it. I knew I had to let her go because I knew nothing would change here and it sucks. That pretty much sums up how it feels today.
I've seen so many occasional peeks out of her trying to find her way out of the fog and just find the path to giving it up, but she just pulls herself back in, time and time again. The more I read the more I see how it happens, but I guess I will never quite understand what can cause such irrational behavior in the face of losing so much. It's just so easy for her to start the cycle over again and I wanted so much more for her. I wanted her to find a new path. That saddens me as much as the loss of us.
Please know I continue to do well despite my posts. I exercise every day and have been getting sleep, albeit restless. I'm going to work and staying in touch with friends and neighbors, eating decent, and all that good stuff. All things considered it's not bad, it just mixes in with the occasional bouts of a bit of hopelessness. But I know that's part of it all.
To sum it up as just loss and grief is a good way to describe how I'm feeling today. Possibly mixed with a little dash of occasional anger because of being powerless to do anything about it. I knew I had to let her go because I knew nothing would change here and it sucks. That pretty much sums up how it feels today.
I've seen so many occasional peeks out of her trying to find her way out of the fog and just find the path to giving it up, but she just pulls herself back in, time and time again. The more I read the more I see how it happens, but I guess I will never quite understand what can cause such irrational behavior in the face of losing so much. It's just so easy for her to start the cycle over again and I wanted so much more for her. I wanted her to find a new path. That saddens me as much as the loss of us.
Please know I continue to do well despite my posts. I exercise every day and have been getting sleep, albeit restless. I'm going to work and staying in touch with friends and neighbors, eating decent, and all that good stuff. All things considered it's not bad, it just mixes in with the occasional bouts of a bit of hopelessness. But I know that's part of it all.
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There are a lot of intelligent people here, and I guess that's why we ask so many questions. It's helped me a lot to understand more about what the other side is going through. I am feeling very forgiving today. I don't think she set out to destroy and end this relationship. She was just doing the only thing her brain was telling her she had to do. I also think that unfortunately her upbringing and even her time with me hasn't given her the greatest of opportunities to mature. She's spent a lot of her life with mostly people younger than her. Her time with me just didn't rub off because I was not always the fun one.
At some point most people realize that life is mostly boring. It's work, and chores, and repeat, with some occasional relaxation and leisure mixed in for the lucky ones. For a lot of people it's work and sleep. I think a lot of As just long for the fun.
She hasn't been back in days to collect the remaining things here and the last of her mail even though her address has changed and the mail is now forwarding. I understand why. She's establishing her new life and also possibly trying to keep a foot in the old life for as long as she can. Just in case. Knowing why people do that helps me understand her actions, and doesn't make me angry that it's taking so long. I am starting to understand her better.
I get the occasional text, the last couple said she was sorry, she misses me, she loves me. It is both heartwarming and heartbreaking to hear those things. I have not yet blocked her or told her I want NC until everything is done. I have responded. I told her I will always love her, can't control her choices, and hope that she can find healthy choices and peace in her future.
It was important to realize that the texts said all the wrong things and none of the right ones. Sorry, miss, love. Wonderful sentiment but none of them are "I was wrong. I want to stop. I stopped. I am seeking treatment. I decided this is day one." Any one of those things means so more to me (and more importantly, to her) than love or missing or apologies. I've heard all of that before.
Still hopeful she finds her way onto the right path, though expecting that the lure of the party and the booze and the other men on the dating sites will be the more immediate fix for the problem and the desired approach.
Me, I'm living my life. Work, exercise, cleaning the house, socialization with others (minimally, though).
I am a bit fearful that she has found a way to find me here (my name is random so tried to hide my tracks, but you never know) and has read all I have said, though I guess I said nothing that I didn't feel so that's okay.
Doing okay today, all things considered. Our last contact was the texts above on Tuesday night. Contact is not yet over and I realize its power of prolonging things, but so far, I'm handling it well and as best as I can.
It's not that I don't love her, or that I need to punish her with the silent treatment, it's just that I came to the realization that as long as alcohol was in her life, she couldn't be a part of mine because it was always going to wind up like this.
At some point most people realize that life is mostly boring. It's work, and chores, and repeat, with some occasional relaxation and leisure mixed in for the lucky ones. For a lot of people it's work and sleep. I think a lot of As just long for the fun.
She hasn't been back in days to collect the remaining things here and the last of her mail even though her address has changed and the mail is now forwarding. I understand why. She's establishing her new life and also possibly trying to keep a foot in the old life for as long as she can. Just in case. Knowing why people do that helps me understand her actions, and doesn't make me angry that it's taking so long. I am starting to understand her better.
I get the occasional text, the last couple said she was sorry, she misses me, she loves me. It is both heartwarming and heartbreaking to hear those things. I have not yet blocked her or told her I want NC until everything is done. I have responded. I told her I will always love her, can't control her choices, and hope that she can find healthy choices and peace in her future.
It was important to realize that the texts said all the wrong things and none of the right ones. Sorry, miss, love. Wonderful sentiment but none of them are "I was wrong. I want to stop. I stopped. I am seeking treatment. I decided this is day one." Any one of those things means so more to me (and more importantly, to her) than love or missing or apologies. I've heard all of that before.
Still hopeful she finds her way onto the right path, though expecting that the lure of the party and the booze and the other men on the dating sites will be the more immediate fix for the problem and the desired approach.
Me, I'm living my life. Work, exercise, cleaning the house, socialization with others (minimally, though).
I am a bit fearful that she has found a way to find me here (my name is random so tried to hide my tracks, but you never know) and has read all I have said, though I guess I said nothing that I didn't feel so that's okay.
Doing okay today, all things considered. Our last contact was the texts above on Tuesday night. Contact is not yet over and I realize its power of prolonging things, but so far, I'm handling it well and as best as I can.
It's not that I don't love her, or that I need to punish her with the silent treatment, it's just that I came to the realization that as long as alcohol was in her life, she couldn't be a part of mine because it was always going to wind up like this.
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Posts: 216
I wanted to share an interesting anecdote on why no contact is so important to those of you who are/have separated, where you can.
As those following are aware, AXGF moving out slowly over the past few weeks. Still has a few things left but getting closer to being totally done. She still owes me a few bucks and is borrowing a few of my things but has been living separately for over a week now. All is civil.
Occasionally, I have been getting texts or photos of the dog, or being told the dog misses me, etc.
Last night, I got another pic of the dog looking sad and a bunch of texts. The dog misses me SO MUCH and she doesn't know what to do. I told her to give it some time. Then, they worsened. She doesn't know how much longer she can take this situation and wants to "be here", will I please promise her I will take the dog and she doesn't plan on being around much longer (veiled suicidal threat). I texted back to talk to me tomorrow when she gets here (she had more stuff to pick up).
She showed up today a totally different person. Spent the day swimming with her enabler friend. In a great mood. Said the dog is great. Apologized to me for last night, said she got REALLY drunk and felt sorry for herself. Said she has been self-destructing all week. I told her oh, I had hoped you had decided to stop drinking. Yeah, I gotta work on that, she said.
So, basically, just continuing the exact same pattern as when she lived here, except, without me there to catch her fall -- I got the brunt of it via text when the true loneliness hit. And you'd think she learned something from all that? Nope. Not at all. I told her I am glad she is doing okay and she's back to packing.
Funny how contact can lead you down odd paths, to wondering if they want to reconcile, or that they have hit bottom and want to stop drinking, and the like -- Only to realize it's all just the alcohol and it's regular games.
Two more quick things - I couldn't resist (I know, I know) asking her due to the recent research, I was curious if the doctor she saw about her issues with alcohol (who gave her the naltrexone) and had been prescribing her depression meds all these years was a specialist or just a GP. Turns out it is a GP. I suggested if she was struggling, she might want to see a psychiatrist about her depression and alcohol issues and maybe to take another look at the meds. Her response was that she "didn't want to be dependent on chemicals". "Alcohol is a chemical" I said. True, she said.
Glad you are doing better, I told her. She said, she would be, until tonight (implying it will be back to the depression and the bottle). What a wild condition.
One more carload closer to being done.
As those following are aware, AXGF moving out slowly over the past few weeks. Still has a few things left but getting closer to being totally done. She still owes me a few bucks and is borrowing a few of my things but has been living separately for over a week now. All is civil.
Occasionally, I have been getting texts or photos of the dog, or being told the dog misses me, etc.
Last night, I got another pic of the dog looking sad and a bunch of texts. The dog misses me SO MUCH and she doesn't know what to do. I told her to give it some time. Then, they worsened. She doesn't know how much longer she can take this situation and wants to "be here", will I please promise her I will take the dog and she doesn't plan on being around much longer (veiled suicidal threat). I texted back to talk to me tomorrow when she gets here (she had more stuff to pick up).
She showed up today a totally different person. Spent the day swimming with her enabler friend. In a great mood. Said the dog is great. Apologized to me for last night, said she got REALLY drunk and felt sorry for herself. Said she has been self-destructing all week. I told her oh, I had hoped you had decided to stop drinking. Yeah, I gotta work on that, she said.
So, basically, just continuing the exact same pattern as when she lived here, except, without me there to catch her fall -- I got the brunt of it via text when the true loneliness hit. And you'd think she learned something from all that? Nope. Not at all. I told her I am glad she is doing okay and she's back to packing.
Funny how contact can lead you down odd paths, to wondering if they want to reconcile, or that they have hit bottom and want to stop drinking, and the like -- Only to realize it's all just the alcohol and it's regular games.
Two more quick things - I couldn't resist (I know, I know) asking her due to the recent research, I was curious if the doctor she saw about her issues with alcohol (who gave her the naltrexone) and had been prescribing her depression meds all these years was a specialist or just a GP. Turns out it is a GP. I suggested if she was struggling, she might want to see a psychiatrist about her depression and alcohol issues and maybe to take another look at the meds. Her response was that she "didn't want to be dependent on chemicals". "Alcohol is a chemical" I said. True, she said.
Glad you are doing better, I told her. She said, she would be, until tonight (implying it will be back to the depression and the bottle). What a wild condition.
One more carload closer to being done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And you'd think she learned something from all that?
at some point we have to quit looking at THEM and what we think THEY need, or what THEY should do......and take up the torch for ourselves.
one of my fave movies of all time is The King and I, with Yul Brenner and Deborah Kerr.......and EVERY time i watch it i hope that THIS time, the King won't die and they will live happily ever after.
but that's not how the story goes, whether i watch one more time or a thousand.
at some point we have to quit looking at THEM and what we think THEY need, or what THEY should do......and take up the torch for ourselves.
one of my fave movies of all time is The King and I, with Yul Brenner and Deborah Kerr.......and EVERY time i watch it i hope that THIS time, the King won't die and they will live happily ever after.
but that's not how the story goes, whether i watch one more time or a thousand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I tell you, it's wild!
There she sits, the girl I love and wanted to live another 50 years with, still living, breathing, functioning, talking, all that right in front of me - and all she needs to do is give up drinking to start on a path back to everything she wanted, at least a chance at a future together.
And she drinks.
There she sits, the girl I love and wanted to live another 50 years with, still living, breathing, functioning, talking, all that right in front of me - and all she needs to do is give up drinking to start on a path back to everything she wanted, at least a chance at a future together.
And she drinks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Have you considered blocking her number when the last load is out
and telling her good luck, but you aren't there to be an emotional dumping ground any longer?
I don't think staying enmeshed even in texts is healthy for you--
What are your plans around this?
I know you are keeping things civil now, till she's out, but hopefully that will be soon?
and telling her good luck, but you aren't there to be an emotional dumping ground any longer?
I don't think staying enmeshed even in texts is healthy for you--
What are your plans around this?
I know you are keeping things civil now, till she's out, but hopefully that will be soon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks, and yes I do expect this all to stop when she's done. No reason to continue texting at that point.
We have broken up before, she will be respectful of my boundaries when she is done moving out. I sprang it on her pretty suddenly, and she's made pretty quick work of a big move by herself, so I am being civil as I can be. I love her and the dog and I want them to be happy.
I expect soon she'll have a new guy anyway.
We have broken up before, she will be respectful of my boundaries when she is done moving out. I sprang it on her pretty suddenly, and she's made pretty quick work of a big move by herself, so I am being civil as I can be. I love her and the dog and I want them to be happy.
I expect soon she'll have a new guy anyway.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Very kind of you sir. Thanks for reading and for the care.
I'll be okay. I just can't help but be astounded by the choice to drink over the choice to love. As some have said, there may be more to it for her than that, and it's that other aspects of the relationship were also not fulfilling, but I'm obviously a giver so it's frustrating. I just stopped giving when I realized the drinking was the most important thing.
I'm still riding the rollercoaster. Just a little sad today that in the face of everything she had, 10 years with us, she chose the alcohol and continues to do so after she knows it's been the reason it tore us apart.
Sad.
I'll be okay. I just can't help but be astounded by the choice to drink over the choice to love. As some have said, there may be more to it for her than that, and it's that other aspects of the relationship were also not fulfilling, but I'm obviously a giver so it's frustrating. I just stopped giving when I realized the drinking was the most important thing.
I'm still riding the rollercoaster. Just a little sad today that in the face of everything she had, 10 years with us, she chose the alcohol and continues to do so after she knows it's been the reason it tore us apart.
Sad.
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