Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
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She's at least doing everything by the book so I'm not being surprised. Her "trivia night" went from 7:30 until 3 AM last night. I don't engage her any more when she comes home from a drinking night. Not a word. I'm hopeful she comes home late because she didn't want to drive in a drunk state, but given all the possibilities, I choose not to even guess any more. Her actions back up my decision to end the relationship, which makes it a lot easier than if she'd suddenly decided to be the good girl and tell me she wasn't going to have a drink, go out, etc. When she came home at 3, my first thought was, you Wells are making the right decision!
On rescue dogs -- Our dog now is a rescue and what a great dog she is. If I were to get a dog of my own it definitely would be a rescue. I'm going to see how I feel after everything settles first, no sudden decisions, but it's quite possible. It's sad, but I think I am going to miss the dog more than AGF. The dog is an innocent bystander in all of this. She does love the dog but even the dog comes second to her A as far as time spent, walks, being there to let it out to use the bathroom, etc. Without me I worry about the poor thing when she goes on the 8 hour benders. Sad.
My heart goes out to all of you who posted here, many in such more complex situations than mine with abuse, family members, kids, the works. I appreciate you talking to me about my troubles which may even seem quite trivial compared to what some of you have or are going through.
Things have been pretty textbook here otherwise. We are pleasant to one another, she whistles and is happy and cheerful. She should be packing boxes today and told me she'll start moving stuff to her new place this weekend. Waiting for that to start. All is well otherwise, she did me favors by taking me to and from the garage for my car to be worked on this week, and continues to live normally here as if nothing else is going on (cooking herself breakfast, watching TV, etc). So, just another day in the life!
I expect the emotions to run high as this process goes. One moment, I can't wait for it to be done, the next I lament the loss, the next I question if I am doing the right thing, all that stuff. It's a ball of emotions and I have to keep telling myself that it's normal, and that I have to do this for my own sanity. It's a choice I am making but also a choice she made by hearing my concerns and determining that there wasn't a problem.
More to come.
On rescue dogs -- Our dog now is a rescue and what a great dog she is. If I were to get a dog of my own it definitely would be a rescue. I'm going to see how I feel after everything settles first, no sudden decisions, but it's quite possible. It's sad, but I think I am going to miss the dog more than AGF. The dog is an innocent bystander in all of this. She does love the dog but even the dog comes second to her A as far as time spent, walks, being there to let it out to use the bathroom, etc. Without me I worry about the poor thing when she goes on the 8 hour benders. Sad.
My heart goes out to all of you who posted here, many in such more complex situations than mine with abuse, family members, kids, the works. I appreciate you talking to me about my troubles which may even seem quite trivial compared to what some of you have or are going through.
Things have been pretty textbook here otherwise. We are pleasant to one another, she whistles and is happy and cheerful. She should be packing boxes today and told me she'll start moving stuff to her new place this weekend. Waiting for that to start. All is well otherwise, she did me favors by taking me to and from the garage for my car to be worked on this week, and continues to live normally here as if nothing else is going on (cooking herself breakfast, watching TV, etc). So, just another day in the life!
I expect the emotions to run high as this process goes. One moment, I can't wait for it to be done, the next I lament the loss, the next I question if I am doing the right thing, all that stuff. It's a ball of emotions and I have to keep telling myself that it's normal, and that I have to do this for my own sanity. It's a choice I am making but also a choice she made by hearing my concerns and determining that there wasn't a problem.
More to come.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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I'm astounded this time -- She actually did it. Bought $2000 worth of new furniture and signed a lease. Starts moving out of here and into her new rental home tomorrow.
Things have been strained for a while, but she kept on acting like everything was OK until last Thursday when I told her she needed to move out. So she made it all happen in just 8 days.
I tell you what, I feel so belittled by that for some strange reason. There wasn't any attempt to stay or talk me out of it at all. 10 years meant so little that in 8 days it could be over.
Oddly enough, I hope to someday find out that she had met someone else and that's who she'd been with, not her drinking buddy and her fiance every weekend. That would at least make more sense on why she'd be ready to roll with a new guy already in place. Oddly enough it would make MORE sense than this!
I know, these are all irrational thoughts but that's what happened to my brain today. I almost told her this but stopped short -- I so much wanted to tell her, I hope there's another guy you're leaving me for, because if you are giving up on us that easily, giving up our relationship because getting drunk with your friends is more important...wow. Didn't say it, but I really wanted to. I want her to know how much in disbelief I am that she would prefer drunk weekends with her friends to a life with me.
It's hard not to feel insulted, even though I get it that alcohol is the #1 and always will be. I just am sad to see that she wasted no time in waffling, she didn't even try to try. I wish she'd let me keep the dog, the dog loves me so much more (her words even), but it is her dog and her favorite thing in the world. The house will sure feel empty and that will be crushing for a while.
Will be a tough road ahead for a bit, I'll drop by with thoughts as I can as well as try and help others.
Things have been strained for a while, but she kept on acting like everything was OK until last Thursday when I told her she needed to move out. So she made it all happen in just 8 days.
I tell you what, I feel so belittled by that for some strange reason. There wasn't any attempt to stay or talk me out of it at all. 10 years meant so little that in 8 days it could be over.
Oddly enough, I hope to someday find out that she had met someone else and that's who she'd been with, not her drinking buddy and her fiance every weekend. That would at least make more sense on why she'd be ready to roll with a new guy already in place. Oddly enough it would make MORE sense than this!
I know, these are all irrational thoughts but that's what happened to my brain today. I almost told her this but stopped short -- I so much wanted to tell her, I hope there's another guy you're leaving me for, because if you are giving up on us that easily, giving up our relationship because getting drunk with your friends is more important...wow. Didn't say it, but I really wanted to. I want her to know how much in disbelief I am that she would prefer drunk weekends with her friends to a life with me.
It's hard not to feel insulted, even though I get it that alcohol is the #1 and always will be. I just am sad to see that she wasted no time in waffling, she didn't even try to try. I wish she'd let me keep the dog, the dog loves me so much more (her words even), but it is her dog and her favorite thing in the world. The house will sure feel empty and that will be crushing for a while.
Will be a tough road ahead for a bit, I'll drop by with thoughts as I can as well as try and help others.
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I'm sorry Wells--there is a third party involved--it's the alcohol.
She choosing that, which doesn't feel good, but you're not alone.
It's happened to many here--you deserve a partner who puts you first,
and not alcohol.
As dandy often says, "short term pain for long term gain".
It hurts terribly, but it will be better than living with her progressive drinking.
Hugs
She choosing that, which doesn't feel good, but you're not alone.
It's happened to many here--you deserve a partner who puts you first,
and not alcohol.
As dandy often says, "short term pain for long term gain".
It hurts terribly, but it will be better than living with her progressive drinking.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thank you Hawkeye, very kind.
Another thought I had, and I wonder if any other partners experienced this, was that maybe somewhere deep down she knows she's not ready to give it up, she sees what it's doing to me, and she's leaving because she knows I'm better off in the long run without her and her lifestyle?
It would break my heart to hear that too as it's almost a loving thing that an A can do for someone is leave their lives to spare them the agony, especially someone like me who has been tolerating it for 10 years of rollercoasters, excuses, incidents, good times, bad times.
Maybe somewhere deep down she's realized that she can't get better, and when I finally had the courage to show her the door, she's leaving because she can see what it's doing to me, and also knows she's not ready to change.
I don't know if it's a two way street ("Both of us are unhappy" we have both said to one another recently) so perhaps this brings her some happiness as well, to start over, new place, new stuff, no one to answer to...I dunno.
You read these posts here about the A's who move on and restart the cycle with new partners, the party never stops, their lives are loose and carefree and those left in their wake struggle with loneliness, loss, empty feelings.
It's a rough road!
Another thought I had, and I wonder if any other partners experienced this, was that maybe somewhere deep down she knows she's not ready to give it up, she sees what it's doing to me, and she's leaving because she knows I'm better off in the long run without her and her lifestyle?
It would break my heart to hear that too as it's almost a loving thing that an A can do for someone is leave their lives to spare them the agony, especially someone like me who has been tolerating it for 10 years of rollercoasters, excuses, incidents, good times, bad times.
Maybe somewhere deep down she's realized that she can't get better, and when I finally had the courage to show her the door, she's leaving because she can see what it's doing to me, and also knows she's not ready to change.
I don't know if it's a two way street ("Both of us are unhappy" we have both said to one another recently) so perhaps this brings her some happiness as well, to start over, new place, new stuff, no one to answer to...I dunno.
You read these posts here about the A's who move on and restart the cycle with new partners, the party never stops, their lives are loose and carefree and those left in their wake struggle with loneliness, loss, empty feelings.
It's a rough road!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm sure it's the booze, but in trying to protect that she may have constructed a narrative in her own mind that you're controlling her and she wants to be her own (drunk) woman. I actually had checked out of my relationship emotionally well before I made the move to leave (this was from my husband who was--and remains--sober). I used to WISH he'd tell me to leave, so I'd feel less guilty about it.
So there could be more than JUST wanting to drink--maybe she just doesn't feel the relationship is right for her, and she mentally had one foot out the door and was happy when you gave her a reason to leave. Yes, it's cowardly (I freely admit I was a coward, too, though I did finally say I wanted to leave).
No matter what's going on, though, it's best if you just take it at face value and try not to hurt your head figuring it out. Work on your own recovery--from living with her drinking, and from the relationship in general.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
Hugs,
So there could be more than JUST wanting to drink--maybe she just doesn't feel the relationship is right for her, and she mentally had one foot out the door and was happy when you gave her a reason to leave. Yes, it's cowardly (I freely admit I was a coward, too, though I did finally say I wanted to leave).
No matter what's going on, though, it's best if you just take it at face value and try not to hurt your head figuring it out. Work on your own recovery--from living with her drinking, and from the relationship in general.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wells,
Imo, she does not like you putting "restrictions"on her and her drinking. My axh did the same, they pull away because relationships don't matter to them anymore. They know it is wrong what they are doing, but they choose to do it anyway.
I Know you are very hurt, but I can almost guarantee, you have not heard the last from her. Continue to let her do her stuff and step away. Mind your side of the street. Enjoy your peace and quiet. Sending hugs, it does hurt.
Imo, she does not like you putting "restrictions"on her and her drinking. My axh did the same, they pull away because relationships don't matter to them anymore. They know it is wrong what they are doing, but they choose to do it anyway.
I Know you are very hurt, but I can almost guarantee, you have not heard the last from her. Continue to let her do her stuff and step away. Mind your side of the street. Enjoy your peace and quiet. Sending hugs, it does hurt.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Wells,
When I gave up on my AH and moved out, he said in many ways it was a relief. My ego was hoping for more of a fight, more promises to quit, too.
But my AH was right; it was a relief to part ways. He got to drink, unobserved, and I got to get away from the consequences of his drinking.
When I gave up on my AH and moved out, he said in many ways it was a relief. My ego was hoping for more of a fight, more promises to quit, too.
But my AH was right; it was a relief to part ways. He got to drink, unobserved, and I got to get away from the consequences of his drinking.
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Yeah, it's been sort of a weird progression. Since we didn't want kids, it's always been the 2 of us (and the dog for the past few years). So there were no real obligations to keep us working together on anything.
I have a lot of hobbies, she really never picked up any. Around the house, her main activities were Facebook/instagram/ipad and sleeping. When drinking at home was not discouraged, she might get some cleaning or other things done. If she could have alcohol while she did things, it made them more attractive as tasks. Otherwise, she just slept a lot out of boredom when she couldn't drink.
Outside activities, there was basically no interest in going anywhere to do anything unless there was a steady supply of booze. Always the person at the party or the baseball game or the dinner who's drinking at double the speed of everyone else, never the one to switch over to water or soda or anything but the booze while it was still accessible.
When it seemed like every activity that she took part in that wasn't her job involved alcohol, and complained we never did anything together, I would always tell her, please, name anything we can go do together that doesn't involve drinking, and I am 1000% in! And not once did she name an activity. She was looking for a cabin we could vacation at, or a campsite -- Both activities would involve large amounts of alcohol along for the ride (the 3rd passenger!). I told her I wasn't interested in going anywhere as a couple and watching her drink when we got there. Something as small as a local baseball game, with the promise she wouldn't drink -- We walked through the gate, 10 seconds later she announced she was going to get a beer. I tried, I guess -- But it just seems that to get her interest in doing anything other than going to work or taking a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day, there has to be some booze in her hand.
So...She's glad it's over because she is "tired of being told what she can't do".
Today is packing and moving day. There's a lot of stuff. I'm not intending to help though I'm not sure what we'll do when we get to a couple large pieces of furniture she wants to take that will require several movers and a large truck. Not my problem I guess.
I still have some guilty feelings and self-blame worrying that I abandoned the relationship and helped foster its demise. I just couldn't keep pretending that everything was OK when the drinking was excessive, and I couldn't pretend that everything was OK the next day after a vomit-inducing bender. She wanted to drink and party it up and then the next day just cuddle up, have sex, spend the day together, whatever, and act like the prior day never happened. I just couldn't pretend anymore.
I have a lot of hobbies, she really never picked up any. Around the house, her main activities were Facebook/instagram/ipad and sleeping. When drinking at home was not discouraged, she might get some cleaning or other things done. If she could have alcohol while she did things, it made them more attractive as tasks. Otherwise, she just slept a lot out of boredom when she couldn't drink.
Outside activities, there was basically no interest in going anywhere to do anything unless there was a steady supply of booze. Always the person at the party or the baseball game or the dinner who's drinking at double the speed of everyone else, never the one to switch over to water or soda or anything but the booze while it was still accessible.
When it seemed like every activity that she took part in that wasn't her job involved alcohol, and complained we never did anything together, I would always tell her, please, name anything we can go do together that doesn't involve drinking, and I am 1000% in! And not once did she name an activity. She was looking for a cabin we could vacation at, or a campsite -- Both activities would involve large amounts of alcohol along for the ride (the 3rd passenger!). I told her I wasn't interested in going anywhere as a couple and watching her drink when we got there. Something as small as a local baseball game, with the promise she wouldn't drink -- We walked through the gate, 10 seconds later she announced she was going to get a beer. I tried, I guess -- But it just seems that to get her interest in doing anything other than going to work or taking a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day, there has to be some booze in her hand.
So...She's glad it's over because she is "tired of being told what she can't do".
Today is packing and moving day. There's a lot of stuff. I'm not intending to help though I'm not sure what we'll do when we get to a couple large pieces of furniture she wants to take that will require several movers and a large truck. Not my problem I guess.
I still have some guilty feelings and self-blame worrying that I abandoned the relationship and helped foster its demise. I just couldn't keep pretending that everything was OK when the drinking was excessive, and I couldn't pretend that everything was OK the next day after a vomit-inducing bender. She wanted to drink and party it up and then the next day just cuddle up, have sex, spend the day together, whatever, and act like the prior day never happened. I just couldn't pretend anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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And all of that is perfectly OK. Sounds like you are both ready to move on from the relationship (which doesn't necessarily make it painless).
If it isn't working, efforts to "fix" things sometimes just drag it out longer and the two people wind up resenting the hell out of each other. It's OK to let it go before it gets to that point. Really, it is.
If it isn't working, efforts to "fix" things sometimes just drag it out longer and the two people wind up resenting the hell out of each other. It's OK to let it go before it gets to that point. Really, it is.
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Thanks Lexie. That actually reminds me of something -- I was sort of hung up on something the other day when I was reading the forums and I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think I sort of realized what it was.
In coming here to post, we are in a way saying that alcohol is the reason for the demise of a relationship, though can we even say for sure that's the main reason? In my fast-forward brain, I see a world where my XGF realized that alcohol was causing a problem for us, got it under control, and everything else just started working. I started feeling love and respect for her again. We did things as a couple. We worked together. We talked more. Had more intimate time. All because the alcohol stopped and it took away that barrier that had been built between us. But this is all in MY head. In her head, the alcohol may not have any bearing at all, and it's just the relationship itself that's the problem. Perhaps the increased alcohol escape is just, to her, a symptom of a larger issue between us. That said, I can't deny the fact she at least exhibits many of the problems I have seen illustrated here by others who have had issues with their partners relating to booze. So I can't deny it at least has played a part. I am just a commitment-freak. I hate giving up on anything. I jump in head first and never even think of having to look back. So when something ends, and I have to face the fact that I was the cause of it, it's a tough pill to swallow. I have been putting 100% of the blame on the alcohol, assuming if that were to disappear that everything else would have been great. I'd like to think it would have, but maybe not?
My XGF always seems to have had a need for drama in her life. If life was "normal", that was boring. That may not necessarily be a trait of a classic "alcoholic". Just a trait in and of itself. Whenever we talk about anything but business she cries now. She doesn't want to talk about anything but logistics of the actual move. Anything about the final goodbye with her, with the dog, about us ending...she wells up and runs away. So I know that deep down she at least feels what I am feeling too. I guess I'm glad she at least feels the loss. I hope it's just not the loss of the "soft place to fall" but the loss of me. I'm already feeling like a failure and not looking forward to all the conversations with my friends, neighbors, family, about all of this -- To at least think that perhaps she at least feels similarly and laments the loss of what could have been between us, gives me a strange comfort. Much more than the thought that she can't wait to not have to see me or speak with me ever again, or that she's so relieved she no longer has to spend the rest of her life with me.
Perhaps, like anything else, she will miss the "good", and not the "bad". The good for her were the times I was caring, loving, took care of her and the dog, provided for her and was there for her. The bad of course being any time that I gave her a hard time about her drinking habits. And of course this holds true for me as well. I'll miss her sober moments and the things we did together that worked. But I certainly won't miss the bad ones, the unknown factor every day of how much alcohol she would consume. So, we'll both miss some stuff, and both be relieved to be rid of others. She apologized for causing so much "stress" in my life recently. But then continued to do it anyway.
It's such a crazy emotional time right now, I just wanted to get things down out of my head so I had something to look back on someday. I appreciate everyone's comments and have read yours, and look forward to a better tomorrow on my side of the street.
In coming here to post, we are in a way saying that alcohol is the reason for the demise of a relationship, though can we even say for sure that's the main reason? In my fast-forward brain, I see a world where my XGF realized that alcohol was causing a problem for us, got it under control, and everything else just started working. I started feeling love and respect for her again. We did things as a couple. We worked together. We talked more. Had more intimate time. All because the alcohol stopped and it took away that barrier that had been built between us. But this is all in MY head. In her head, the alcohol may not have any bearing at all, and it's just the relationship itself that's the problem. Perhaps the increased alcohol escape is just, to her, a symptom of a larger issue between us. That said, I can't deny the fact she at least exhibits many of the problems I have seen illustrated here by others who have had issues with their partners relating to booze. So I can't deny it at least has played a part. I am just a commitment-freak. I hate giving up on anything. I jump in head first and never even think of having to look back. So when something ends, and I have to face the fact that I was the cause of it, it's a tough pill to swallow. I have been putting 100% of the blame on the alcohol, assuming if that were to disappear that everything else would have been great. I'd like to think it would have, but maybe not?
My XGF always seems to have had a need for drama in her life. If life was "normal", that was boring. That may not necessarily be a trait of a classic "alcoholic". Just a trait in and of itself. Whenever we talk about anything but business she cries now. She doesn't want to talk about anything but logistics of the actual move. Anything about the final goodbye with her, with the dog, about us ending...she wells up and runs away. So I know that deep down she at least feels what I am feeling too. I guess I'm glad she at least feels the loss. I hope it's just not the loss of the "soft place to fall" but the loss of me. I'm already feeling like a failure and not looking forward to all the conversations with my friends, neighbors, family, about all of this -- To at least think that perhaps she at least feels similarly and laments the loss of what could have been between us, gives me a strange comfort. Much more than the thought that she can't wait to not have to see me or speak with me ever again, or that she's so relieved she no longer has to spend the rest of her life with me.
Perhaps, like anything else, she will miss the "good", and not the "bad". The good for her were the times I was caring, loving, took care of her and the dog, provided for her and was there for her. The bad of course being any time that I gave her a hard time about her drinking habits. And of course this holds true for me as well. I'll miss her sober moments and the things we did together that worked. But I certainly won't miss the bad ones, the unknown factor every day of how much alcohol she would consume. So, we'll both miss some stuff, and both be relieved to be rid of others. She apologized for causing so much "stress" in my life recently. But then continued to do it anyway.
It's such a crazy emotional time right now, I just wanted to get things down out of my head so I had something to look back on someday. I appreciate everyone's comments and have read yours, and look forward to a better tomorrow on my side of the street.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Wells,
Yes she loves you, yes she will miss you and she wants everything to stay the same. Do you know how much work moving out is for an addict. They have to make so many calls to start things up, they have to pack, move and unload their stuff. This is not FUN!! They just want to have fun.
She really wants you to just forget about everything, forgive her behavior and lets be friends. She doesn't really want to move, but you are giving her an ultimatum and she can't deal with that. She can not possible give up alcohol. She is past the point that alcohol is an option in her life. I had someone on the A forum state that what oxygen is to us, alcohol is to them. They have to have it to live and breath. We don't need to understand it because we never will, so you have to stop trying.
Maybe leave the house while she is packing. It might be less painful for you my friend. I am sorry!!
Yes she loves you, yes she will miss you and she wants everything to stay the same. Do you know how much work moving out is for an addict. They have to make so many calls to start things up, they have to pack, move and unload their stuff. This is not FUN!! They just want to have fun.
She really wants you to just forget about everything, forgive her behavior and lets be friends. She doesn't really want to move, but you are giving her an ultimatum and she can't deal with that. She can not possible give up alcohol. She is past the point that alcohol is an option in her life. I had someone on the A forum state that what oxygen is to us, alcohol is to them. They have to have it to live and breath. We don't need to understand it because we never will, so you have to stop trying.
Maybe leave the house while she is packing. It might be less painful for you my friend. I am sorry!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's always a bit uncomfortable to admit these things, but I think I was a lot like your wife. I left my first husband (who was, and is, a terrific guy--he's been sober at this point for 36 years and at the time had about 14 years) because of a vague feeling of dissatisfaction. My alcoholism was stirring up at that point, and it's hard to say which contributed to what. I know the booze didn't help. I also knew I still cared very much about him, but didn't want to stay in the marriage.
Thankfully, we are good friends to this day, and he has been a great support for my own sobriety. I still care very much for him--though I still wouldn't want to be married to him. I'm convinced it's very possible to love people you don't want to be married to.
I dunno, I'm happily single now and really have no desire to take a third trip down the aisle. I'll never say never, but I think I'm one of those people who just does better on her own.
Thankfully, we are good friends to this day, and he has been a great support for my own sobriety. I still care very much for him--though I still wouldn't want to be married to him. I'm convinced it's very possible to love people you don't want to be married to.
I dunno, I'm happily single now and really have no desire to take a third trip down the aisle. I'll never say never, but I think I'm one of those people who just does better on her own.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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No response necessary. I'm very happy for you-- you still have life to live with a healthy person if you want to, or by yourself if you prefer that. Please consider taking steps in Alanon and/or counseling to make sure you don't repeat the pattern. If she really moves out you are free!!! 
If you get lured into talking her into staying, or her staying "if," or if you replace her with another just like her then-- 
If you get lured into talking her into staying, or her staying "if," or if you replace her with another just like her then-- Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
lol maia i like your insight.
I went down the alcoholic tube, trying not to drag those around with, and while i appreciate a modest roof and wasn't much hassled, i tried to go away to do my occasional drinking through the 'end times' - deep down i knew it was awful but could not stop. They had become my 'concerned onlookers' and damage minimizers. I was wholly miserable and could only fake otherwise.
My one time good character and abilities to contribute to life dwindled to below zero. I was disintegrating.
Anyway my ex happened to have alcoholism long long ago, and we are pretty tight. Must have left him once and for always at least 867 times over these my drinking years. He always rescued me and stayed in my corner, bleak as it got he could always make humor of it. But that was fun for him because he understood and has found that 'love is its own reward'. His former ex sure doesn't think as highly of me as he or i do...lol
Anyways the collapse finally came through, I accepted a new way of thinking and living shown to me by AA, making progress in fits and starts, the drink problem disappeared (for now) and while i sort out how to amend my life and those affected, we are having the most startling inexplicable unimaginable relations, despite our selves and unenviable circumstances. Probably an unusual case. Most normal folks run pretty thin on tolerance for the ugly alcoholic. No reason for any to hang on like a battered old sentimental suitcase. Often our happily ever after is early death or permanent insanity.
We don't drink anymore because its fun, we drink to overcome a compulsion that is beyond our ability to control. Our one time better selves we are at a loss to regain. Not pretty and no reason you should have to put up with any of it!
"In time all our protectors either flee or die and we are once more left alone and afraid." It's all good - happiness is generally watching us get smaller in the rearview mirror. Bridge games and trivia become the last thing on our minds as we are dying.
My whole family has been passing our dog around for years...joint custody may be an option.
I went down the alcoholic tube, trying not to drag those around with, and while i appreciate a modest roof and wasn't much hassled, i tried to go away to do my occasional drinking through the 'end times' - deep down i knew it was awful but could not stop. They had become my 'concerned onlookers' and damage minimizers. I was wholly miserable and could only fake otherwise.
My one time good character and abilities to contribute to life dwindled to below zero. I was disintegrating.
Anyway my ex happened to have alcoholism long long ago, and we are pretty tight. Must have left him once and for always at least 867 times over these my drinking years. He always rescued me and stayed in my corner, bleak as it got he could always make humor of it. But that was fun for him because he understood and has found that 'love is its own reward'. His former ex sure doesn't think as highly of me as he or i do...lol
Anyways the collapse finally came through, I accepted a new way of thinking and living shown to me by AA, making progress in fits and starts, the drink problem disappeared (for now) and while i sort out how to amend my life and those affected, we are having the most startling inexplicable unimaginable relations, despite our selves and unenviable circumstances. Probably an unusual case. Most normal folks run pretty thin on tolerance for the ugly alcoholic. No reason for any to hang on like a battered old sentimental suitcase. Often our happily ever after is early death or permanent insanity.
We don't drink anymore because its fun, we drink to overcome a compulsion that is beyond our ability to control. Our one time better selves we are at a loss to regain. Not pretty and no reason you should have to put up with any of it!
"In time all our protectors either flee or die and we are once more left alone and afraid." It's all good - happiness is generally watching us get smaller in the rearview mirror. Bridge games and trivia become the last thing on our minds as we are dying.
My whole family has been passing our dog around for years...joint custody may be an option.
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I think she finally took the first box over there today, I've been down in the gym exercising every day, and heading out on errands, etc, to try and avoid contact as much as I can. Conversations when they happen are civil. She's got an air mattress set up at the new place (sent me a photo showing me her setup, for some odd reason) and wanted me to go see the place with her. Really not interested in that. It's not far at all -- Maybe a 5 minute drive from here.
She comes home in the morning to have her coffee, shower, as all her stuff is still here. I think she is finally done cleaning the place of the prior tenant's mess (her landlord gave her a deal on the first month of rent if she did it all herself) so the next steps will just be a lot of car trips over to get her stuff moved in.
I'm feeling ok today, still have the moments of silent shock that it is coming to an end -- Looking around the house at all her decorations and things, the photos of us in happier times, that will all be gradually disappearing over the next few days as she boxes them up and moves on.
There's a neighborhood BBQ tomorrow that we were invited to, I assume she's not attending anymore (that would be weird) but I'll be going for sure. Our neighborhood events are full of alcohol, of course, though luckily for them they are able to moderate. It will be sad to go solo to events, but also nice to not have to spend the entire day/night looking over my shoulder to make sure she wasn't getting out of hand, or too make apologies, excuses, or just feel responsible for her obnoxious behavior when she inevitably went over the line. So many parties cut short over the years, having to be the first ones out the door because I realized if she stayed another hour she'd cause damage at the rate the drinks were going down. I will miss her. I will not miss that.
Lexie I appreciate your honesty and while it's a tougher notion to think about, I do need to also consider that the relationship had just run its course. I am a caretaker and a considerate person, a good provider and loving, though I also have to realize that even without the alcohol, that may not be enough. My self esteem is pretty good, I just worry about finding someone else I can get to know long enough to show all these qualities to again.
I do like to think that if she gave up the drinking, there was hope for us, but given that so much of our activities had to be events where there was alcohol, and she herself admitted it was extremely difficult to watch someone else having a drink if there wasn't one in her hand, too -- That's a tough future ahead. This is the easy path for both of us. She gets to keep drinking. I get to stop worrying about how much she's drinking, and still have the freedom to have guests over, or attend social events that have alcohol present without having to worry.
Cairn I am so sorry for what you went though, happy to hear that AA has settled some things for you. You've taken that first hard step to avoid the ends that you describe. I hope the same for AXGF, sincerely. She has never expressed an interest in a life without alcohol, occasionally a plan to moderate (never works), so she has a long road ahead. I suspect she's not enjoying the breakup aspects of this (not talking is the way she avoids it, any sort of talks about us and she's in immediate tears). Otherwise she's focused and content. I believe she's spending her days and nights enjoying drinking as much as she wants without recourse, which can certainly help balance out the loss of us.
I'll be free of it soon.
She comes home in the morning to have her coffee, shower, as all her stuff is still here. I think she is finally done cleaning the place of the prior tenant's mess (her landlord gave her a deal on the first month of rent if she did it all herself) so the next steps will just be a lot of car trips over to get her stuff moved in.
I'm feeling ok today, still have the moments of silent shock that it is coming to an end -- Looking around the house at all her decorations and things, the photos of us in happier times, that will all be gradually disappearing over the next few days as she boxes them up and moves on.
There's a neighborhood BBQ tomorrow that we were invited to, I assume she's not attending anymore (that would be weird) but I'll be going for sure. Our neighborhood events are full of alcohol, of course, though luckily for them they are able to moderate. It will be sad to go solo to events, but also nice to not have to spend the entire day/night looking over my shoulder to make sure she wasn't getting out of hand, or too make apologies, excuses, or just feel responsible for her obnoxious behavior when she inevitably went over the line. So many parties cut short over the years, having to be the first ones out the door because I realized if she stayed another hour she'd cause damage at the rate the drinks were going down. I will miss her. I will not miss that.
Lexie I appreciate your honesty and while it's a tougher notion to think about, I do need to also consider that the relationship had just run its course. I am a caretaker and a considerate person, a good provider and loving, though I also have to realize that even without the alcohol, that may not be enough. My self esteem is pretty good, I just worry about finding someone else I can get to know long enough to show all these qualities to again.
I do like to think that if she gave up the drinking, there was hope for us, but given that so much of our activities had to be events where there was alcohol, and she herself admitted it was extremely difficult to watch someone else having a drink if there wasn't one in her hand, too -- That's a tough future ahead. This is the easy path for both of us. She gets to keep drinking. I get to stop worrying about how much she's drinking, and still have the freedom to have guests over, or attend social events that have alcohol present without having to worry.
Cairn I am so sorry for what you went though, happy to hear that AA has settled some things for you. You've taken that first hard step to avoid the ends that you describe. I hope the same for AXGF, sincerely. She has never expressed an interest in a life without alcohol, occasionally a plan to moderate (never works), so she has a long road ahead. I suspect she's not enjoying the breakup aspects of this (not talking is the way she avoids it, any sort of talks about us and she's in immediate tears). Otherwise she's focused and content. I believe she's spending her days and nights enjoying drinking as much as she wants without recourse, which can certainly help balance out the loss of us.
I'll be free of it soon.
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Yeah, go hit that BBQ tomorrow. Not only is it a great social outing, but you'll be able to tell folks you've split up kind of all at once. It's that piecemeal doling out info to one person after another that gets exhausting.
I seriously HOPE she doesn't show up, but alcoholics have done stranger things. Maybe just think of a strategy now if that should happen (hopefully you won't need it).
Whatever happens, hold your head up. You sound like a great guy, and you don't have anything to apologize for.
I seriously HOPE she doesn't show up, but alcoholics have done stranger things. Maybe just think of a strategy now if that should happen (hopefully you won't need it).
Whatever happens, hold your head up. You sound like a great guy, and you don't have anything to apologize for.
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I'll definitely hit the BBQ and at least fill people in that she's working on departing this week.
Another mostly wasted day for her despite now officially having her own place. She went over to the new place (didn't move a thing with her, probably had some drinks), then came back here to take a nap. Went back over with the dog, again took nothing, along. Now she's back here again for the night (I heard the familiar can of the beer CRACKing open as soon as she walked in and the second already about 20 minutes later, so I'll be heading out of earshot soon). She's just watching TV as if all is right in the world. Told me to look out the window at the beautiful sky tonight. Sigh. At least she's drinking and it's reminding me of what life was like. It still kills me as I was always a guy who was not against cracking open a bottle of beer or two on an evening either, but being with her has caused me to condition myself to lose interest. If I had a beer, she'd want 6. It was a good cure to stop me from drinking at home and only doing it socially and occasionally.
At least all of her new furniture arrives Wednesday (she left the invoice laying out for me to look at, and I was curious) so after Wednesday, she'll have a couch, tables, and a bed at her new place.
I can't say I get it right no, she seems so complacent and "la de dah" but I guess I can't expect to understand. I guess this will just be like a slow band aid for the entire week as she slowly moves things over. I mean, things are done -- Lease is signed, furniture is bought, keys in hand. She's got the place. No turning back now. It will be so weird laying in bed with her these last few nights.
Another mostly wasted day for her despite now officially having her own place. She went over to the new place (didn't move a thing with her, probably had some drinks), then came back here to take a nap. Went back over with the dog, again took nothing, along. Now she's back here again for the night (I heard the familiar can of the beer CRACKing open as soon as she walked in and the second already about 20 minutes later, so I'll be heading out of earshot soon). She's just watching TV as if all is right in the world. Told me to look out the window at the beautiful sky tonight. Sigh. At least she's drinking and it's reminding me of what life was like. It still kills me as I was always a guy who was not against cracking open a bottle of beer or two on an evening either, but being with her has caused me to condition myself to lose interest. If I had a beer, she'd want 6. It was a good cure to stop me from drinking at home and only doing it socially and occasionally.
At least all of her new furniture arrives Wednesday (she left the invoice laying out for me to look at, and I was curious) so after Wednesday, she'll have a couch, tables, and a bed at her new place.
I can't say I get it right no, she seems so complacent and "la de dah" but I guess I can't expect to understand. I guess this will just be like a slow band aid for the entire week as she slowly moves things over. I mean, things are done -- Lease is signed, furniture is bought, keys in hand. She's got the place. No turning back now. It will be so weird laying in bed with her these last few nights.
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Agree with red. She's leaving, let her sleep on the sofa.
Better yet, she bought an air mattress--let her sleep at her new place. Sleeping in the same bed is a BAD idea for you, I think.
Better yet, she bought an air mattress--let her sleep at her new place. Sleeping in the same bed is a BAD idea for you, I think.
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Dear Diary 
Another day, no changes -- She finished all her beer and went to bed well before I finished watching my movie so there was no further interaction last night. Today, she woke up late, took some advil, took a shower and put on makeup to go attend her Mom's cookout. In the same amount of time I mowed the lawn, did the dishes, folded laundry, and made the bed). This is the typical for us. It's remarkable how she can just continue to drink up and then face the next day all cleaned up and ready to roll.
Strange -- If you were an outsider looking in, other than the boxes of her stuff piled around the house that I'm waiting for her to move, you would think everything was normal. She's talking as if nothing is happening, in a good mood, reacting to me and the dog playing like always, etc. Even asked if I wanted help folding laundry while she was drying her hair. You would have no idea she signed a lease and has a new place that she's got furniture coming to on Wednesday. She's straddling both worlds right now. Very odd.
I know, a lot of you may say, kick her out, tell her to stop dragging her feet, move her stuff out for her, etc. She's committed on a lease and new furniture at this point, and not turning back, so I just need to be patient and know she basically has one week until she's back to work and needs to be done. This entire week should be perfect timing for her to get all her stuff moved over and unpack, and starting Wednesday night, she has a bed over there. No need to sleep here ever again! 2 more nights. I can get through another week. Better to go out civil than fighting (she loved picking a fight when she was drinking, it was like sport to her!) I won't take any bait or throw any of my own bait out there.
We broke up for a few months once before and got back together, perhaps she is thinking the same thing will happen this time. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Last time it was my weakness that opened the door back up, I was lonely, feeling the loss, not working my own plan, and she was able to come right back into my life. At least I learned from that. I let her back in last time on the promise that she had changed -- She hadn't, she just found a way other than alcohol (pills) to get her fix, so she only had a drink or two and fooled me into thinking she'd somehow learned moderation. I see the patterns now and know that real steps need taken, which often take years, before there's hope.
I'm still sad at the loss but understanding more about why I feel that way. Reading has helped. Obviously a 10 year relationship getting shut down, plus my codie tendencies make it hard to accept that it's over. And our wonderful dog isn't helping -- I know someone commented on sharing the dog, but I really think I need to go NC once this is done, and having to see her to co-parent the dog would just be too hard on me right now. Plus, she needs to take on the responsibility of the dog she wanted, lately I've been there to take care of the dog any time she wanted to stay out more hours for more drinks. I just hope the dog doesn't suffer as a result. Hopefully the dog keeps her grounded and the responsibility will be a good thing. She constantly refers to me as "daddy" around the dog (always has) and still does to this day and that's hurting a bit -- In a weird way, feel like I'm abandoning my child! The dog has taken a preference to me, sleeps with me, follows me, and losing her will be hard in its own unique way. Perhaps a new dog eventually. But for now, I will definitely mourn the loss of this one. And I know she's right down the road, but I have to be strong and start NC after they are gone.
Happy 4th of July everyone!
Another day, no changes -- She finished all her beer and went to bed well before I finished watching my movie so there was no further interaction last night. Today, she woke up late, took some advil, took a shower and put on makeup to go attend her Mom's cookout. In the same amount of time I mowed the lawn, did the dishes, folded laundry, and made the bed). This is the typical for us. It's remarkable how she can just continue to drink up and then face the next day all cleaned up and ready to roll.
Strange -- If you were an outsider looking in, other than the boxes of her stuff piled around the house that I'm waiting for her to move, you would think everything was normal. She's talking as if nothing is happening, in a good mood, reacting to me and the dog playing like always, etc. Even asked if I wanted help folding laundry while she was drying her hair. You would have no idea she signed a lease and has a new place that she's got furniture coming to on Wednesday. She's straddling both worlds right now. Very odd.
I know, a lot of you may say, kick her out, tell her to stop dragging her feet, move her stuff out for her, etc. She's committed on a lease and new furniture at this point, and not turning back, so I just need to be patient and know she basically has one week until she's back to work and needs to be done. This entire week should be perfect timing for her to get all her stuff moved over and unpack, and starting Wednesday night, she has a bed over there. No need to sleep here ever again! 2 more nights. I can get through another week. Better to go out civil than fighting (she loved picking a fight when she was drinking, it was like sport to her!) I won't take any bait or throw any of my own bait out there.
We broke up for a few months once before and got back together, perhaps she is thinking the same thing will happen this time. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Last time it was my weakness that opened the door back up, I was lonely, feeling the loss, not working my own plan, and she was able to come right back into my life. At least I learned from that. I let her back in last time on the promise that she had changed -- She hadn't, she just found a way other than alcohol (pills) to get her fix, so she only had a drink or two and fooled me into thinking she'd somehow learned moderation. I see the patterns now and know that real steps need taken, which often take years, before there's hope.
I'm still sad at the loss but understanding more about why I feel that way. Reading has helped. Obviously a 10 year relationship getting shut down, plus my codie tendencies make it hard to accept that it's over. And our wonderful dog isn't helping -- I know someone commented on sharing the dog, but I really think I need to go NC once this is done, and having to see her to co-parent the dog would just be too hard on me right now. Plus, she needs to take on the responsibility of the dog she wanted, lately I've been there to take care of the dog any time she wanted to stay out more hours for more drinks. I just hope the dog doesn't suffer as a result. Hopefully the dog keeps her grounded and the responsibility will be a good thing. She constantly refers to me as "daddy" around the dog (always has) and still does to this day and that's hurting a bit -- In a weird way, feel like I'm abandoning my child! The dog has taken a preference to me, sleeps with me, follows me, and losing her will be hard in its own unique way. Perhaps a new dog eventually. But for now, I will definitely mourn the loss of this one. And I know she's right down the road, but I have to be strong and start NC after they are gone.
Happy 4th of July everyone!
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