Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells....the acceptance part is the sticky wicket, isn't it? the acceptance that what has happened...has actually happened...
And, your grieving the l oss of of your expectation and dream is in full tilt, about now.....
Remember that her alcoholism is still in charge of her....
She is fighting that war in her own head....24/7......
I doubt that she said to herself..."I will be drink to deliberately torture his life".
Drinking is what alcoholics DO. The compulsion to drink overwhelms everything else...so they drink. They drink to feel better..or just to feel "normal". Not because of you.
Try your best to avoid oersonalizing all of this......
Right now would be a good time to review what I so often recommend to others---because it helped me to understand...more than anything else that I had read----The articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. ---Especially, these ones: "The Addicts Dilemma", "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships", "Excuses Alcoholics Make".......
dandylion
And, your grieving the l oss of of your expectation and dream is in full tilt, about now.....
Remember that her alcoholism is still in charge of her....
She is fighting that war in her own head....24/7......
I doubt that she said to herself..."I will be drink to deliberately torture his life".
Drinking is what alcoholics DO. The compulsion to drink overwhelms everything else...so they drink. They drink to feel better..or just to feel "normal". Not because of you.
Try your best to avoid oersonalizing all of this......
Right now would be a good time to review what I so often recommend to others---because it helped me to understand...more than anything else that I had read----The articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. ---Especially, these ones: "The Addicts Dilemma", "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships", "Excuses Alcoholics Make".......
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Oh Wells, your story reads almost the same as mine and it pulled at so many heart strings to read someone else typing the words that describe my life. The words you use about you being the fun-killer, the controlling jerk, that the booze isn't the problem your relationship has slowly perished are what I hear, and it's heartbreaking. I feel for you so much because I'm there too and it's so hard. You aren't alone in this, you will survive.
I'm still in the middle of a mess but I'm starting to seek new avenues for friendships, do new things to add meaning to my life....
Of course you're going to be sad, you've been with her for 10 years that doesn't make you a co-dependent it makes you a loving, feeling human being who has been through so much and has finally taken a huge step in his life.
Good luck with everything, you sound like a lovely smart guy and I hope you find happiness, if not (as I'm being to realise) go and make your own.
I'm still in the middle of a mess but I'm starting to seek new avenues for friendships, do new things to add meaning to my life....
Of course you're going to be sad, you've been with her for 10 years that doesn't make you a co-dependent it makes you a loving, feeling human being who has been through so much and has finally taken a huge step in his life.
Good luck with everything, you sound like a lovely smart guy and I hope you find happiness, if not (as I'm being to realise) go and make your own.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Dandy - Wow the links you sent are great timing. Thanks so much. I am fascinated, the more I learn, at the similarities in both the addict as well as the families of addicts. Much like they say and do the same things to support their addiction, we in turn do the same things to try and help or even understand it, and we go through our own set of emotions. It's nice to at least know i'm on track.
The articles are great, and I'm learning so much about addictive personality. It helps me feel compassion instead of anger as well as understanding. Also it helps me continue to realize I need to stop trying to cause any change at all to happen. Even yesterday when I suggested perhaps seeing a professional for help on medication or the drinking, that was something I should not have even approached. Need to change the mindset, and seeing inside theirs via knowledge really does help.
Being accepting of the way their brain works and their priorities is helpful to at least getting a clearer understanding on the situation, and why any attempts to change that situation were destined to fail.
Poppet - Thanks for your kind words and I'm off to catch up on your thread.
What I think I am realizing is that none of us has the exact same situation, but there are enough similarities to at least be in a unique club where we can read and see insight into this being a theme, not a random unique "this only happens to me" type of occurrence. I have read so many stories and ups and downs, many way worse than the situation I find myself in, yet I have learned so much about how we are all the same, despite the different outcomes -- Our feelings and experiences are too common to realize that this wasn't caused by us and we can't control it or cure it. Good luck to you as well.
I'm in somewhat of a calmer mood today though I will admit the contact is still difficult when I have to see her. The dream of "normal life" comes back (this was my manta that i asked for over and over again, just a normal life) when I see her. And then it comes crashing down moments later when I realize that is just not where her head is at, and not where her head my ever be at. Understanding that this is the normal behavior of someone with addictions helps me to get it. In the same way I am compelled towards leading a more normal healthy life, she is compelled towards leading a life using alcohol as a main component. Once I realize that her pull towards that side is as strong as my pull the other way, it helps. If she wants to drink as much as I want her to stop, there's just something in her that's carrying her in that direction and I have to let it take her away.
On my earlier comments on depression -- I do believe it's a major component of our situation. She has wanted for years to be completely off medications of any kind and this year, has said it was her goal to ease down and stop taking any medications for her depression. Many have said, depressives get into a mindset, when things are normal, that they no longer need the meds, and it can get dangerous. I do believe that the lessening of the medication has led us to this point where the drinking increased even further. Hopefully she will consider talking to a professional before she just dismisses depression and self-medicates to compensate for what she thinks she is now cured of.
I can't help but think all she needs is a good psychiatrist, a new diagnosis and some good medication to kick in, and she might find a path forward to ease into recovery, where alcohol is not used as a substitute for lack of proper medication. Her path for now is clear. No depression medication (doesn't want to depend on chemicals), and no new doctor (says she is broke and has no insurance to afford anything). She is her own worst enemy in all this. I still am amazed at the power of depression and alcoholism to be so strong that they lead the afflicted away from help.
The articles are great, and I'm learning so much about addictive personality. It helps me feel compassion instead of anger as well as understanding. Also it helps me continue to realize I need to stop trying to cause any change at all to happen. Even yesterday when I suggested perhaps seeing a professional for help on medication or the drinking, that was something I should not have even approached. Need to change the mindset, and seeing inside theirs via knowledge really does help.
Being accepting of the way their brain works and their priorities is helpful to at least getting a clearer understanding on the situation, and why any attempts to change that situation were destined to fail.
Poppet - Thanks for your kind words and I'm off to catch up on your thread.
What I think I am realizing is that none of us has the exact same situation, but there are enough similarities to at least be in a unique club where we can read and see insight into this being a theme, not a random unique "this only happens to me" type of occurrence. I have read so many stories and ups and downs, many way worse than the situation I find myself in, yet I have learned so much about how we are all the same, despite the different outcomes -- Our feelings and experiences are too common to realize that this wasn't caused by us and we can't control it or cure it. Good luck to you as well.
I'm in somewhat of a calmer mood today though I will admit the contact is still difficult when I have to see her. The dream of "normal life" comes back (this was my manta that i asked for over and over again, just a normal life) when I see her. And then it comes crashing down moments later when I realize that is just not where her head is at, and not where her head my ever be at. Understanding that this is the normal behavior of someone with addictions helps me to get it. In the same way I am compelled towards leading a more normal healthy life, she is compelled towards leading a life using alcohol as a main component. Once I realize that her pull towards that side is as strong as my pull the other way, it helps. If she wants to drink as much as I want her to stop, there's just something in her that's carrying her in that direction and I have to let it take her away.
On my earlier comments on depression -- I do believe it's a major component of our situation. She has wanted for years to be completely off medications of any kind and this year, has said it was her goal to ease down and stop taking any medications for her depression. Many have said, depressives get into a mindset, when things are normal, that they no longer need the meds, and it can get dangerous. I do believe that the lessening of the medication has led us to this point where the drinking increased even further. Hopefully she will consider talking to a professional before she just dismisses depression and self-medicates to compensate for what she thinks she is now cured of.
I can't help but think all she needs is a good psychiatrist, a new diagnosis and some good medication to kick in, and she might find a path forward to ease into recovery, where alcohol is not used as a substitute for lack of proper medication. Her path for now is clear. No depression medication (doesn't want to depend on chemicals), and no new doctor (says she is broke and has no insurance to afford anything). She is her own worst enemy in all this. I still am amazed at the power of depression and alcoholism to be so strong that they lead the afflicted away from help.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Figured I would stop in for an update. Been hanging around the forums, reading, learning, helping sometimes -- Mostly just to read and learn more about addiction and codependency because understanding the different points of view helps in my recovery.
How am I feeling today? Well, I guess a little lonely and missing her and the dog. I'm smart enough to know I miss the good things and not the bad things. I was thinking today about what I missed, and it is mostly just having someone to share life with. The little things like splitting a pizza, or talking about your day, or laughing at the same TV show. Even just the noise of another person in the house. The house is empty.
Despite feeling this way, my resolve is strong. I went through too many second and third and fourth chances over the years (both stated and internalized) where I told myself I wasn't going to take it anymore, and then ended up taking it. I know that the one and only reason that I asked her to move out was because the drinking wasn't stopping, in fact, it was worsening. The actions spoke loud and clear then, and really always did. Alcohol was going to be a problem, and there was no breaking up with this third party in our relationship.
Absolutely, I miss her, and I realize I am here because of codependent tendencies, but I also miss her because I love her, and we had 10 years together, and our breakup was sad. I realized the signs and cut the cord before I was out of love for her. But I knew it was time.
I am doing well as can be expected on my own. I get to work every day on time and do a good job. I exercise every day of the week. I am eating decent, maybe not super healthy but I'm eating. I'm not emotional though I have noticed I talk to myself and to the house more. I'm staying active and catching up with family and friends on the phone and attending events I'm invited to, and enjoying only having to worry about one person's drinking (moderate, my own).
Oddly my relationship with alcohol has changed somewhat over the past 10 years. After being the usual kid doing the heavy college drinking, and even bringing that out with me in my 20s, now in my 40s I tend to find less and less joy in alcohol. Given the situation it's put me in I think the depression I feel after drinking is amplified not just because it's a depressant, but it reminds me of her in a weird twisted way. I don't feel guilt for having a beer or two with company, I'm lucky enough to be able to drink normally, but I also (at least now) have felt less inclined to pick up the stuff than perhaps ever in my life. Not because it's a problem for me, but because I look at the stuff and I see the reason I lost the girl that I love. Its mere existence is depressing.
All in all, a little over a month in since we broke up, I'm managing alright. I still get the occasional twinge of anger or upset or fear or despair that comes with the loss of her, but I realize that this is all part of the process. I also realize that despite these feelings, I will not give in to my own codie voice telling me to reach out or get back together. She has no intention of stopping drinking.
From the moment we met, she has been clear and honest with me and I should have thanked her for that. She has shown me that she loves alcohol, drinks it a lot, acts inappropriately when she does, and then never feels enough remorse to not do it over and over again. She never lied and tried to tell me she wasn't this person. She drank regularly, openly, freely, and made it a cornerstone of her life. And made no apologies for the person she was when she did it. That is the person I spent 10 years with.
I'll check in when I have other thoughts, I journal here to track where I am and as something to read back on, also to prevent myself from doing anything crazy like contacting. It's not that I don't love her and wish we were together, it's that I know I can't spend another day watching her drink ever again, and for that reason she has to stay where she is.
How am I feeling today? Well, I guess a little lonely and missing her and the dog. I'm smart enough to know I miss the good things and not the bad things. I was thinking today about what I missed, and it is mostly just having someone to share life with. The little things like splitting a pizza, or talking about your day, or laughing at the same TV show. Even just the noise of another person in the house. The house is empty.
Despite feeling this way, my resolve is strong. I went through too many second and third and fourth chances over the years (both stated and internalized) where I told myself I wasn't going to take it anymore, and then ended up taking it. I know that the one and only reason that I asked her to move out was because the drinking wasn't stopping, in fact, it was worsening. The actions spoke loud and clear then, and really always did. Alcohol was going to be a problem, and there was no breaking up with this third party in our relationship.
Absolutely, I miss her, and I realize I am here because of codependent tendencies, but I also miss her because I love her, and we had 10 years together, and our breakup was sad. I realized the signs and cut the cord before I was out of love for her. But I knew it was time.
I am doing well as can be expected on my own. I get to work every day on time and do a good job. I exercise every day of the week. I am eating decent, maybe not super healthy but I'm eating. I'm not emotional though I have noticed I talk to myself and to the house more. I'm staying active and catching up with family and friends on the phone and attending events I'm invited to, and enjoying only having to worry about one person's drinking (moderate, my own).
Oddly my relationship with alcohol has changed somewhat over the past 10 years. After being the usual kid doing the heavy college drinking, and even bringing that out with me in my 20s, now in my 40s I tend to find less and less joy in alcohol. Given the situation it's put me in I think the depression I feel after drinking is amplified not just because it's a depressant, but it reminds me of her in a weird twisted way. I don't feel guilt for having a beer or two with company, I'm lucky enough to be able to drink normally, but I also (at least now) have felt less inclined to pick up the stuff than perhaps ever in my life. Not because it's a problem for me, but because I look at the stuff and I see the reason I lost the girl that I love. Its mere existence is depressing.
All in all, a little over a month in since we broke up, I'm managing alright. I still get the occasional twinge of anger or upset or fear or despair that comes with the loss of her, but I realize that this is all part of the process. I also realize that despite these feelings, I will not give in to my own codie voice telling me to reach out or get back together. She has no intention of stopping drinking.
From the moment we met, she has been clear and honest with me and I should have thanked her for that. She has shown me that she loves alcohol, drinks it a lot, acts inappropriately when she does, and then never feels enough remorse to not do it over and over again. She never lied and tried to tell me she wasn't this person. She drank regularly, openly, freely, and made it a cornerstone of her life. And made no apologies for the person she was when she did it. That is the person I spent 10 years with.
I'll check in when I have other thoughts, I journal here to track where I am and as something to read back on, also to prevent myself from doing anything crazy like contacting. It's not that I don't love her and wish we were together, it's that I know I can't spend another day watching her drink ever again, and for that reason she has to stay where she is.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It's a process and you sound like you are where you should expect to be. You are very strong. If drinking is making you depressed then just don't. Not now anyways, I hear you it's not an issue for you. Eventually it won't be any issue you will be able to do what you want without haunting memories.
I talk to my sled in the car all the time lol. I'm glad there is blue tooth so people think I'm actually talking to someone The quiet house been there. Perhaps a new fur baby somewhere down the road
I talk to my sled in the car all the time lol. I'm glad there is blue tooth so people think I'm actually talking to someone The quiet house been there. Perhaps a new fur baby somewhere down the road
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....it is only natural that you would miss someone that you have been with for 10 years. And you are grieving at a level that wasn't possible while she was still in the house......I agree that you are where you need to be, at this stage.....
***helpful hint....it does help you to begin to make changes in the physical environment...as you feel that you are able to,,,,,
Even small changes......Like, but not limited to:
Paint a wall or a room a different color....
Move so me pieces of furniture around....like, maybe change the position of the bed...and get a different quilt or comforter......
Change some of the art work on the walls....
Change some behavior patterns....like drinking morning coffee or tea in a different place.....
Goal---the more you change the environment----the less triggering you will experience......
I think you are doing fine.....
dandylion
***helpful hint....it does help you to begin to make changes in the physical environment...as you feel that you are able to,,,,,
Even small changes......Like, but not limited to:
Paint a wall or a room a different color....
Move so me pieces of furniture around....like, maybe change the position of the bed...and get a different quilt or comforter......
Change some of the art work on the walls....
Change some behavior patterns....like drinking morning coffee or tea in a different place.....
Goal---the more you change the environment----the less triggering you will experience......
I think you are doing fine.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Redatlanta......I wonder how much need there is for a sled in Atlanta???
(I JUST had to ask)......
dandylion
(I JUST had to ask)......
dandylion
HAHAHAHA I just saw that. Um, considering my thermostat in my car read 106 yesterday at 5 pm.........no sled needed.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Do sleds work in the sand? I realize Atlanta not really beachy, but still, wow - That's hot.
Very good advice on the small changes. When I have done anything around the house, even getting to tasks that I have been putting off, I feel good about it. Some days I don't have as much motivation as others, but I know that's part of the process as well.
I've always known I am a busy person (I am one of those people who will always have a mental to-do list of 20+ things and never be done) so I have been reflecting back on myself and how that affects my relationships with others. My ex was the exact opposite (a to-do list of 0 items most days) which of course added additional strain. Managing my "list" and my life is something I need to work on, too. I hope to utilize this time to get ahead a bit and stay ahead, so that I can some days have that to-do list of 0 as well, so I have time for more things, and other people, without being so stuck in my own head about everything I want to get done.
I appreciate everyone following along. And yes redatlanta I have considered a new pup someday! Not ready for that big of a step just yet, it's early and I want to be a little more stable and level headed before going down a commitment road like that, but I'd say it's highly likely it will happen!
Very good advice on the small changes. When I have done anything around the house, even getting to tasks that I have been putting off, I feel good about it. Some days I don't have as much motivation as others, but I know that's part of the process as well.
I've always known I am a busy person (I am one of those people who will always have a mental to-do list of 20+ things and never be done) so I have been reflecting back on myself and how that affects my relationships with others. My ex was the exact opposite (a to-do list of 0 items most days) which of course added additional strain. Managing my "list" and my life is something I need to work on, too. I hope to utilize this time to get ahead a bit and stay ahead, so that I can some days have that to-do list of 0 as well, so I have time for more things, and other people, without being so stuck in my own head about everything I want to get done.
I appreciate everyone following along. And yes redatlanta I have considered a new pup someday! Not ready for that big of a step just yet, it's early and I want to be a little more stable and level headed before going down a commitment road like that, but I'd say it's highly likely it will happen!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Wells, I am also one who has a to-do list that has many things on it, and I never seem to catch up - only fall more behind. I've had to work on tempering that list and not being so hard on myself if I don't get thru the list, so that I can enjoy just 'being' each day, without my happiness being tied to that list.
Now, on the other hand, my AW has a long list as well, doesn't get to it because the wine bottle is constantly calling her, and then gets nasty with me because she hasn't gotten much done. Like it's my fault that she drinks.. Oh yeah, it is my fault - she reiterated that the other night!!!
Anyway, it can be done - meaning you can be easier on yourself and your expectations on yourself. You are doing quite well, considering all you've been thru.
COD
Now, on the other hand, my AW has a long list as well, doesn't get to it because the wine bottle is constantly calling her, and then gets nasty with me because she hasn't gotten much done. Like it's my fault that she drinks.. Oh yeah, it is my fault - she reiterated that the other night!!!
Anyway, it can be done - meaning you can be easier on yourself and your expectations on yourself. You are doing quite well, considering all you've been thru.
COD
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