Traits of a closed toxic alcoholic family (FOO)
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Wrndown1 
Wow.
This...
"Any attempt to speak the truth, no matter how well intentioned, which contradicts the false reality and public facade of the FOO, will be met with unbridled anger, outrage, counterattack, ostracism, and banishment"
I have SEEN that. LIVED that.
Where did this quote come from?
This...
"Any attempt to speak the truth, no matter how well intentioned, which contradicts the false reality and public facade of the FOO, will be met with unbridled anger, outrage, counterattack, ostracism, and banishment"
I have SEEN that. LIVED that.
Where did this quote come from?
I came up with that one myself ... just tried to put my experiences with this stuff into one sentence and that was what came out !
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
I came up with that one myself ... just tried to put my experiences with this stuff into one sentence and that was what came out !
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My Alcoholic Father's FOO was an incredibly enmeshed, toxic group. There are DEFINITELY some crumbly old bones in those old closets, but I'll never know for sure where the source of the Dysfunction stems from. Not only would they never speak of it, there may not be anyone left from a generation old enough to know the truth. And of course, I've been No Contact with them for close to 25 years now. 
It was a very rare event for someone who was marrying into the family to be treated with any real respect, even rarer for anyone in the family unit to honestly like them in any way. ESPECIALLY if they weren't part of the same background - Roman Catholic Sicilian. Oh, sure..... they'll play along for a good long, long time & make you believe you are accepted & loved until one day when some event happens & you find yourself excommunicated & your reputation trashed.
Regardless of that, any offspring were welcomed into the fold & treated like gifts straight from heaven - coddled & spoiled & often praised for the very same attributes that they inherited from their spurned parent. Talk about confusing for the kids.
The family is so large that there is always something going on, something just resolving & something being planned & it kept you busy-busy-busy. Births, deaths, communions, confirmations, graduation, weddings. Every holiday brought every relative from the furthest address, but most never moved more than a couple of miles from home.
Everyone has a relative in/around their same age (often many) and their closest relationships develop within their own family (1st & 2nd cousins, siblings, etc.) versus with school friends or fellow team members. Most of them didn't join teams alone anyway - you joined BECAUSE your 3 cousins were joining.
From a very young age we are lavished with so much attention & praise for the most basic things that it can be difficult to reconcile that treatment with the way the rest of the world treats you. How can I be SO special at home & so AVERAGE everywhere else?
From a very young age the word Love is learned as an emotion inclusive of & often driven by obligation, guilt & fear. By my teens I could have earned an Olympic Medal in Passive Aggressive Behavior. I still have to be uber aware of myself because even the way I word questions is often rooted in a form of manipulation that I know as intimately as I know my own name.
The brainwashing starts so early & it's so confusing. So much push & pull, give & take, hide & seek, come & go. When you stray, they dangle rewards like carrots on a string to bring you back to the fold. When all else fails, send a check. Cold hard cash always buys loyalty.
On one hand you grow up feeling so protected & loved but then you find yourself completely unequipped to handle the Real World for some reason you can't quite understand. What you thought was empowerment was really a growing dependency on the FOO for a sense of normalcy.
It was a very rare event for someone who was marrying into the family to be treated with any real respect, even rarer for anyone in the family unit to honestly like them in any way. ESPECIALLY if they weren't part of the same background - Roman Catholic Sicilian. Oh, sure..... they'll play along for a good long, long time & make you believe you are accepted & loved until one day when some event happens & you find yourself excommunicated & your reputation trashed.
Regardless of that, any offspring were welcomed into the fold & treated like gifts straight from heaven - coddled & spoiled & often praised for the very same attributes that they inherited from their spurned parent. Talk about confusing for the kids.
The family is so large that there is always something going on, something just resolving & something being planned & it kept you busy-busy-busy. Births, deaths, communions, confirmations, graduation, weddings. Every holiday brought every relative from the furthest address, but most never moved more than a couple of miles from home.
Everyone has a relative in/around their same age (often many) and their closest relationships develop within their own family (1st & 2nd cousins, siblings, etc.) versus with school friends or fellow team members. Most of them didn't join teams alone anyway - you joined BECAUSE your 3 cousins were joining.
From a very young age we are lavished with so much attention & praise for the most basic things that it can be difficult to reconcile that treatment with the way the rest of the world treats you. How can I be SO special at home & so AVERAGE everywhere else?
From a very young age the word Love is learned as an emotion inclusive of & often driven by obligation, guilt & fear. By my teens I could have earned an Olympic Medal in Passive Aggressive Behavior. I still have to be uber aware of myself because even the way I word questions is often rooted in a form of manipulation that I know as intimately as I know my own name.
The brainwashing starts so early & it's so confusing. So much push & pull, give & take, hide & seek, come & go. When you stray, they dangle rewards like carrots on a string to bring you back to the fold. When all else fails, send a check. Cold hard cash always buys loyalty.
On one hand you grow up feeling so protected & loved but then you find yourself completely unequipped to handle the Real World for some reason you can't quite understand. What you thought was empowerment was really a growing dependency on the FOO for a sense of normalcy.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Oh my - thanks so much for that saying about double binds spacegoat.
I lived a double bind for so so long ...
My ex was drinking (and trying to keep it a secret from her FOO and everyone else in her life), in total denial about it being a problem, determined that it was no one's business but hers, and taking her anger out on me most nights that she drank.
She made threats against me which she said she would carry out if I spoke to ANYONE about her drinking.
So my double bind was that if I tried to get her help, my life would become mayhem, and if I didn't try to get her help ... well my life would continue in the mayhem caused by alcohol.
So I chose to try to get her help.
A friend of my ex's said to me about my ex "trying to talk to her about alcohol is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist". That was my life for many many months.
I lived a double bind for so so long ...
My ex was drinking (and trying to keep it a secret from her FOO and everyone else in her life), in total denial about it being a problem, determined that it was no one's business but hers, and taking her anger out on me most nights that she drank.
She made threats against me which she said she would carry out if I spoke to ANYONE about her drinking.
So my double bind was that if I tried to get her help, my life would become mayhem, and if I didn't try to get her help ... well my life would continue in the mayhem caused by alcohol.
So I chose to try to get her help.
A friend of my ex's said to me about my ex "trying to talk to her about alcohol is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist". That was my life for many many months.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Seriously, Timetohealguy-that is ridiculously accurate. I've lived that as well. I used to be angry, but now I'm just glad I'm not them and will never be like them.
I have spent the best part of the last two years in counselling myself to try to heal the mental scars I have ended up with as a result of my ex's drinking - on my own - my ex's father insisted that she break off contact with ME !
"No contact" appropriated as punishment is an awfully difficult thing to cope with.
It has taken me months to come sufficiently out of the fog to be able to talk about any of this.
I'm not angry either - just a healthy dose of disbelief and hoping that talking about my experiences can help someone else who is going through what I lived through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Glad you are here, Timetohealguy! You are absolutely helping. Sometimes just knowing others have faced/are facing the same exact battles (FOO, Alcoholism, abuse) is THE biggest blessing and support. Cheers, friend-hope you'll keep posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Wow, this is spot on. Many traits here I recognize in my ex and his family. It was very subversive and not as extreme as some of the experiences shared here, but wow! Very similar!!
I remember my ex telling me there was no drama or issues in his family - that should have been my first red flag that he was detached from reality.
His sister married an active A and he made a huge scene at our wedding, passing out drunk at the reception. My poor dad was so worried about him and what happened - because he is diabetic and nobody got him medical attention, they just had a groomsman bring him up to the hotel room to sleep it off. And the party continued.....my ex's sister was a lovely lady and I don't think anyone close to her cared enough to ask her if she was happy with her alcoholic beau or talked to her about it directly. Nobody told her she deserved much more than a guy who drank alcoholically, had multiple DUI offenses, and couldn't keep a job. They just whispered behind her back.
My ex was an eternal peace keeper, did not want to upset his mom, regardless of my needs/ wants. At times it felt like there were 3 people in our marriage.
I am so thankful the marriage ended after just a short time. I have no doubt it would have continued to get worse.
I remember my ex telling me there was no drama or issues in his family - that should have been my first red flag that he was detached from reality.
His sister married an active A and he made a huge scene at our wedding, passing out drunk at the reception. My poor dad was so worried about him and what happened - because he is diabetic and nobody got him medical attention, they just had a groomsman bring him up to the hotel room to sleep it off. And the party continued.....my ex's sister was a lovely lady and I don't think anyone close to her cared enough to ask her if she was happy with her alcoholic beau or talked to her about it directly. Nobody told her she deserved much more than a guy who drank alcoholically, had multiple DUI offenses, and couldn't keep a job. They just whispered behind her back.
My ex was an eternal peace keeper, did not want to upset his mom, regardless of my needs/ wants. At times it felt like there were 3 people in our marriage.
I am so thankful the marriage ended after just a short time. I have no doubt it would have continued to get worse.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Wow...squared.
Healthy again...I have very similar story.
Even AFTER AW has gone for treatment/Rehab...they are denying she has a problem...at all.
Magic. Poof.
What do you attribute this to?
OR better yet ...what is at work here?
Healthy again...I have very similar story.
Even AFTER AW has gone for treatment/Rehab...they are denying she has a problem...at all.
Magic. Poof.
What do you attribute this to?
OR better yet ...what is at work here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ my exs family did the same. It's denial and the fact that they would have to admit their part in the dysfunction. They would have to own and hold themselves accoubtable for their sickness, which they are unwilling to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 53
OMG! #6. That is my ex's family to a T. He never takes responsibility and their mom is the worst. Everything that her son's do is always someone else's fault usually the women in their lives. The sad thing is that her and her years of neglect, drug and alcohol abuse is the key factor but you are the most horrible person in the world if you dare mention that.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by sosadandhurt
What is FOO!!!!
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Oh man...the loyalty thing. I always had to be loyal to my dad. I was yelled at so much for talking to people he told me not to or going against his wishes. I remember getting screamed at by my grandmother for making my dad cry once...another time as a 12 year old I was repremanded by her because my dad felt he was losing me to my friends. Looking back on it it's so insane. Who depends on their child that much? That's the foundation for my codependence right there...
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