Traits of a closed toxic alcoholic family (FOO)
 

Since it seems there are quite a few of us dealing with just this, thought it would be good to start a thread to understand just what you are dealing with when choosing to stay in a family like this or choosing to walk (RUN) away....

Things I noticed (and have shared with another member here):

1) Loyalty is demanded to the FOO-it's encouraged by guilt, manipulation, triangulation, etc.
- my exs mother told him over and over that he was to take care of her and that was his job. Sissy told him she knew what was best for him. (Same sick sentiment he echoed).

2) afraid to stand up for themself (or spouse). My ex and I had just had our second baby and his mother decided to throw a huge party-a family reunion-and my ex was helping out setting up, etc. We all did. That party happened to be a day or so before we had to move our family to a new hime-with a newborn-packing, etc. I told my ex from the start that we needex to leave and get home to pack, etc. His mom was irate when we were leaving-my exs response?! Well, I didn't want to poss her off and either way I was screwed-I was either going to **** her off or puss you off and she's my mom....so ... Cue my wtf? (That seemed to be a recurring theme in our marriage). Too afraid to stand up to the very people that made him who he is.

3) not being allowed to think for yourself and make your own decisions. Nuf said-I think I've posted enough about my ex being a man child .

4) FOO thinks they own you. Sad, but true. Must suck to be owned by people that continue to lead you down the wrong path.

5) lies and secrets are tolerated and known-the truth is shut down and not allowed. You become the problem when you speak out.

6) they stalk , project, blame and smear just to try to make themselves feel better.

7) the poor children (adult children) are so enmeshed that they don't have their own identity-individuality is not supported in these families. They don't form their own person.

Anything else y'all can add? I'm sure I have forgotten plenty of attributes. My exs family has done exactly what I figured they would do-they circled the wagons pointing the finger at me and not once thought about the children-in fact , they were blamed as well.

Sick, sick sick-just want us all to know with eyes wide open the reality of dealing with a very sick FOO.

Peace to y'all!

never EVER mention that there is a HUGE elephant in the room. throw a tablecloth over it and call it an end table...........

^ no s**t-well said :)

maxim: you do not SEE what you SEE, you do not KNOW what you know, our family unit is FINE.

^ oh my, exactly. Word for word. And "we are not the problem, you are". Uh huh.

Anvil, you are on fire tonight.

my mom had 3 brothers, one older, two younger. however she and uncle C always
argued who was the older. my mom wanted to be the matriarch.

my mom also had a "sh!t list" - people with whom she had some issue (known only to her).
there was always someone at the top of the list.....but since her list wasn't THAT long, you knew sooner or later you were due up. i always felt bad for whoever was the focus of her wrath, aka #1....and dang the woman made her point, fearless, at a whopping 5'4".

the rules of the "sh!tlist" were never explained, there was no training, you just watched the dynamics. survival skills....nobody teaches a baby fish how to swim.

Anvil your mom and mine must have gone to the same school

Yes. Check out 'Narcissism Survivor' on youtube which was my introduction to this stuff & maybe Gail Meyers blog also.

Obviously I've lived all of it, but didn't understand any of it. My first thought was is this not for ACo's but thanks anyway.

I always find it creepy that so many traits of alcoholics and FOO are the same. My AH's sister and mom match this description exactly!

"Mom's fine, August. I don't know why you insist that there's something going on. Let's just go out to [dinner, the event, church, whatever] like we planned. It'll be fine."

{Insert mental (or out loud) SCREAM here.** - August, ages 12 or so on up

[PS, and we all know what FINE stands for...]

^ very disturbing to live and disturbing to write-I lived it, too-it's not easy writing these things but the fact is now it's seen. What to do? RUN away. Quickly. Don't.ever.look.back. Oh, and thank your higher power for giving you eyes to see.

wrndown........I came from a WHOLE culture that did/does somewhat conform to those fundamentals.....lol......
However, I will give you this---it was more like kind than degree...

dandylion

I fled from a closed toxic family system. I divorced an abusive alcoholic last year.

My ex MIL is a nutcase. Her entire life has been devoted to gaining power and control over the weaker members of her family. It started off in childhood and her contempt and hatred grew exponentially as she got older. Her mother died last year, such a sweet woman who became utterly destroyed by her daughter. The ex MIL tried to gain control over her two siblings. One allowed her to do so and the other did not. Her SIL's reacted in different ways one fought back and wouldn't allow it until the SIL died and MIL moved in on him. The other SIL suffered a mental breakdown because of MIL's actions and they moved several hours away.

Once MIL mastered destroying her siblings and their families, she moved in onto mine. My XAH has been an alcoholic for years now. I became the bad guy, the scapegoat, disloyal and dishonoring to the family and needed to be expelled in any way that she could get XAH to agree with her. I have a letter from her written to XAH describing in detail the ways that she was going to have me committed into a mental institution because I went against the family and I needed to be destroyed. XAH agreed with her and just about nearly succeeded in doing so. I finally stopped fighting the monsters and fled.

Now it continues on to the next generation. Ex Monster in Law has been trying to turn my children against me for years. They are afraid of her but completely paralyzed by fear to do anything to upset the toxic family dynamic that exists. They are hers to do with as she pleases, and God forbid when they cross her. They are learning how to manipulate, how to protect her, their father, and themselves, to be disrespectful and abusive to me because that is what their father allowed them to do and she greatly encouraged it. If she could get them to turn on me then she won and got the kids all to herself. XAH is still too sick to see what she has done to him and to his family.

As much as I wish to have grandchildren someday, I do pray that the boys will not marry and have children. I broke the link but the evil lineage must end. I don't want any DiL's or grandchildren to suffer at ex MIL's hand, as surely they will. They will be banished and expelled if they don't acquiesce to her demands.

Sue

^ yep. A lot sounds like my exs family and my ex mother in law. Totally toxic-manipulative to the max, uses people, is verbally abusive, shames them, lies, doesbt live one ounce in reality. Thank God, for both of us, sue, that we got out. Keep fighting the good fight and model good behavior and truth-your kids will see that.

Hugs.

My MIL suffers greatly and lives on pills. I love her a lot.
Of course, my departure from her son has made me an outcast to her family.

This !

How about ...

"Any attempt to speak the truth, no matter how well intentioned, which contradicts the false reality and public facade of the FOO, will be met with unbridled anger, outrage, counterattack, ostracism, and banishment"

^ um yeah-that pretty much sums it up!

Yup, those are good. The personality cult? Here's some more…

Oh wow. This is my ex's family. You know that story about the emperor's new clothing? You want to scream, "The emperor is butt naked!" And no one takes you seriously!

You know that I got to talk about my ex's alcoholism with my MIL only after the divorce? Never ever the a-word came out of anybody's mouth for 9 years! I was the first one who mentioned it.