Out of the mist
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
Out of the mist
I think of you all as dear friends because I have been lurking here for about 1.5 years. I have learned so much from you. I really don’t know what I would have done without all of you. The most valuable thing I learned from you is that there is nothing unique about my story. My XABF is the garden-variety type; he is not special. I also learned that I had made all the right decisions, even before I found you. But still, I keep coming back to this site. Daily. I am not sure why.
Why am I emerging from the mist after all this time? I’m not really sure about that either. But recently, my grief has relapsed. I think I can trace it to reading Danri’s story. Her story is so similar to mine. I, too, was engaged to an alcoholic. Twice, to the same one. I think sharing my story, at long last, may be helpful to me and maybe others. So here’s the Readers Digest edition.
I met my XABF online. He seemed smart and witty, and a decent sort. He had a great job that he loved, and grown kids. When we met for coffee, I remember being somewhat disappointed. He seemed nice enough, and we talked easily for a long while, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. I wasn’t going to accept a second date but he reeled me in with tickets for a show I really wanted to see. He seemed quite taken with me. I guess I was flattered by that. I had been a single mom for many, many years by then and had hardly dated while raising my child.
On our third date, he took me to dinner. I ordered a glass of wine. He ordered tea, explaining to my raised eyebrows that he had had “issues with alcohol”. I was worried then that he was an alcoholic, but he seemed unembarrassed and in control of his “issues”. I made a mental note to remember this.
As we continued to date, it turned out that we had some important common interests, travel among them, and we built a great relationship around them. We had many amazing travel adventures together. I had never been so happy or felt so secure in a relationship. At some point, he started joining me in a glass of wine with dinner, maybe two, but never more. After many months of never once seeing him abuse alcohol, I stopped worrying it, convincing myself that whatever his issues had been, he had, indeed, vanquished them.
At about the 6-month mark, he suffered what appeared to be a seizure at the dinner table and had to be rushed to the ER in an ambulance. In the waiting room, his son told me his father had an alcohol problem. I replied that I had never seen him drunk, which was true. And as far I knew, he wasn’t drunk that night either. I don’t know who was more shocked by this conversation, me or his son. The doctor had no explanation for the episode. Life went on as before.
Fast forward 2 more months, and he proposed. It seemed sudden; I was taken aback. He noted my reservation and said we could have a long engagement. I suppose that I am a bit odd, but marriage isn’t that important to me. Long-term commitment, however, is. And I loved this man with all my heart and wanted our adventures to continue for a lifetime. I knew marriage was important to him, so I agreed.
He put his house on the market and moved in with me while our new house was being built. And that was the beginning of the end, but, of course, I didn’t know it then. He started drinking more often. It started so slowly that at first I didn’t notice. And once it started to snowball, I didn’t understand what was happening. I rationalized it at first. We were both under a lot of stress—selling two homes and building another, jobs, (college-aged) children, wedding plans, etc. I figured that once things settled down, so would he.
He was shockingly drunk the morning we moved into our brand new house. That was the first time that I felt seriously scared that I had made a major mistake. Within kdays of moving into our new house he had turned into an angry, verbally vicious MONSTER. What he was angry about, I did not know. And he couldn't say. I would never have dated this guy, let alone get engaged and build a house with him.
I didn’t understand what had happened to him. I put the wedding on hold indefinitely. He freaked out and immediately started going to AA. I didn’t understand or even want him to do that. He wasn’t an alcoholic! We had a very strange argument wherein he argued that he was an alcoholic and I argued that he could not possibly be. I had seen him exercise control over alcohol many, many more times than I had ever seen him drunk. He just needed to go back to being the man who asked me to marry him.
It took me a long time to understand that he was, indeed, an alcoholic. At some point he admitted that he had quit drinking the 6 months before we met. He had done it alone because he didn’t feel comfortable in AA meetings.
Despite going to AA meetings daily, he relapsed often. Within a month of moving into our new house, I was sleeping behind a locked door, I was so afraid of him. His verbal viciousness and erratic behavior finally drove me out of the house altogether. Luckily, I had not yet sold my house. I moved back into my empty house and slept on the floor to escape his madness.
On the day we were supposed to be married, I moved all my things back to my house while he pleaded, PLEADED with me to stay. I told him to stay continually sober for a year and we could reevaluate. Although he initially agreed that this was reasonable, he slowly set about sabotaging what remained of our relationship. Soon, it seemed that history had been rewritten. I was, and had always been, our problem. His drinking was not the problem.
The word devastated does not begin to explain how I felt. I found my life consisted of living in a region I had long wished to leave, working a job I had always hated, and was alone, again. It was more than I could bear. So, I sold everything and left with what fit in my car. I spent the next year interning in a career I had always wanted 3000 miles away from the madness. I was happy, but I missed him so much. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and wishing things had been different.
I sent him a letter, the old fashioned kind with a stamp. Just to tell him that I had left; that I hoped one day we might see each other again; that I wished him well. He wrote back and asked if he could visit. I agreed. We fell right back in step with each other as if nothing bad had ever happened. He seemed strong and confident in his recovery. He even had a AA sponsee, at that point, and was facilitating meetings. We started making long-term plans and having great adventures again. He gave me back my engagement ring that I had returned to him months ago. He got his company to reassign him to the part of the country where I was living. We saw each other frequently, but he kept stalling about making the move permanent until the job was no longer available. We agreed to come up with another plan to be together.
Last fall, he flew 3000 miles to take me on a wilderness camping trip. He showed up drunk saying that he had had only one beer with lunch. He dry-drunk verbally abused me for a week in some of the most beautiful places on the planet. He said vicious, unforgivable things to me. He said them sober. I kept asking why he flew 3000 miles to see me. He loved me, was the answer. After several days of relentless abuse, one morning I wordlessly drove him hundreds of miles to the nearest airport, 3 days before he was scheduled to depart. His parting words were “You can keep in touch with me if you want”. I said nothing and drove away.
I’ve been no contact since September. As I said at the beginning of this long post, the grief had suddenly returned. I am disappointed by this because I am on the precipice of starting a highly acclaimed academic program in my dream career on one of the most beautiful campuses on earth. I should be thrilled. And I am. But why I am suddenly so sad again about my XABF? I don't understand what is going on with me.
If you made it this far, Thanks for reading!
Why am I emerging from the mist after all this time? I’m not really sure about that either. But recently, my grief has relapsed. I think I can trace it to reading Danri’s story. Her story is so similar to mine. I, too, was engaged to an alcoholic. Twice, to the same one. I think sharing my story, at long last, may be helpful to me and maybe others. So here’s the Readers Digest edition.
I met my XABF online. He seemed smart and witty, and a decent sort. He had a great job that he loved, and grown kids. When we met for coffee, I remember being somewhat disappointed. He seemed nice enough, and we talked easily for a long while, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. I wasn’t going to accept a second date but he reeled me in with tickets for a show I really wanted to see. He seemed quite taken with me. I guess I was flattered by that. I had been a single mom for many, many years by then and had hardly dated while raising my child.
On our third date, he took me to dinner. I ordered a glass of wine. He ordered tea, explaining to my raised eyebrows that he had had “issues with alcohol”. I was worried then that he was an alcoholic, but he seemed unembarrassed and in control of his “issues”. I made a mental note to remember this.
As we continued to date, it turned out that we had some important common interests, travel among them, and we built a great relationship around them. We had many amazing travel adventures together. I had never been so happy or felt so secure in a relationship. At some point, he started joining me in a glass of wine with dinner, maybe two, but never more. After many months of never once seeing him abuse alcohol, I stopped worrying it, convincing myself that whatever his issues had been, he had, indeed, vanquished them.
At about the 6-month mark, he suffered what appeared to be a seizure at the dinner table and had to be rushed to the ER in an ambulance. In the waiting room, his son told me his father had an alcohol problem. I replied that I had never seen him drunk, which was true. And as far I knew, he wasn’t drunk that night either. I don’t know who was more shocked by this conversation, me or his son. The doctor had no explanation for the episode. Life went on as before.
Fast forward 2 more months, and he proposed. It seemed sudden; I was taken aback. He noted my reservation and said we could have a long engagement. I suppose that I am a bit odd, but marriage isn’t that important to me. Long-term commitment, however, is. And I loved this man with all my heart and wanted our adventures to continue for a lifetime. I knew marriage was important to him, so I agreed.
He put his house on the market and moved in with me while our new house was being built. And that was the beginning of the end, but, of course, I didn’t know it then. He started drinking more often. It started so slowly that at first I didn’t notice. And once it started to snowball, I didn’t understand what was happening. I rationalized it at first. We were both under a lot of stress—selling two homes and building another, jobs, (college-aged) children, wedding plans, etc. I figured that once things settled down, so would he.
He was shockingly drunk the morning we moved into our brand new house. That was the first time that I felt seriously scared that I had made a major mistake. Within kdays of moving into our new house he had turned into an angry, verbally vicious MONSTER. What he was angry about, I did not know. And he couldn't say. I would never have dated this guy, let alone get engaged and build a house with him.
I didn’t understand what had happened to him. I put the wedding on hold indefinitely. He freaked out and immediately started going to AA. I didn’t understand or even want him to do that. He wasn’t an alcoholic! We had a very strange argument wherein he argued that he was an alcoholic and I argued that he could not possibly be. I had seen him exercise control over alcohol many, many more times than I had ever seen him drunk. He just needed to go back to being the man who asked me to marry him.
It took me a long time to understand that he was, indeed, an alcoholic. At some point he admitted that he had quit drinking the 6 months before we met. He had done it alone because he didn’t feel comfortable in AA meetings.
Despite going to AA meetings daily, he relapsed often. Within a month of moving into our new house, I was sleeping behind a locked door, I was so afraid of him. His verbal viciousness and erratic behavior finally drove me out of the house altogether. Luckily, I had not yet sold my house. I moved back into my empty house and slept on the floor to escape his madness.
On the day we were supposed to be married, I moved all my things back to my house while he pleaded, PLEADED with me to stay. I told him to stay continually sober for a year and we could reevaluate. Although he initially agreed that this was reasonable, he slowly set about sabotaging what remained of our relationship. Soon, it seemed that history had been rewritten. I was, and had always been, our problem. His drinking was not the problem.
The word devastated does not begin to explain how I felt. I found my life consisted of living in a region I had long wished to leave, working a job I had always hated, and was alone, again. It was more than I could bear. So, I sold everything and left with what fit in my car. I spent the next year interning in a career I had always wanted 3000 miles away from the madness. I was happy, but I missed him so much. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and wishing things had been different.
I sent him a letter, the old fashioned kind with a stamp. Just to tell him that I had left; that I hoped one day we might see each other again; that I wished him well. He wrote back and asked if he could visit. I agreed. We fell right back in step with each other as if nothing bad had ever happened. He seemed strong and confident in his recovery. He even had a AA sponsee, at that point, and was facilitating meetings. We started making long-term plans and having great adventures again. He gave me back my engagement ring that I had returned to him months ago. He got his company to reassign him to the part of the country where I was living. We saw each other frequently, but he kept stalling about making the move permanent until the job was no longer available. We agreed to come up with another plan to be together.
Last fall, he flew 3000 miles to take me on a wilderness camping trip. He showed up drunk saying that he had had only one beer with lunch. He dry-drunk verbally abused me for a week in some of the most beautiful places on the planet. He said vicious, unforgivable things to me. He said them sober. I kept asking why he flew 3000 miles to see me. He loved me, was the answer. After several days of relentless abuse, one morning I wordlessly drove him hundreds of miles to the nearest airport, 3 days before he was scheduled to depart. His parting words were “You can keep in touch with me if you want”. I said nothing and drove away.
I’ve been no contact since September. As I said at the beginning of this long post, the grief had suddenly returned. I am disappointed by this because I am on the precipice of starting a highly acclaimed academic program in my dream career on one of the most beautiful campuses on earth. I should be thrilled. And I am. But why I am suddenly so sad again about my XABF? I don't understand what is going on with me.
If you made it this far, Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi MsGreenJeans,
I think you are doing terrific right now. Your career is really going really well, and I do know how hard it is sometimes to leave the past and let it go.
He really wasn't there for you, and he would have dragged you down. But you know something, we have that heart thing which sometimes I think they may have this but they don't hear it or listen to it.
I'm really glad that you joined this forum. Sometimes we want to feel like they are our best friends, and we want to share all of our accomplishments with them. He wasn't your best friend. You locked doors. You were afraid of him.
I was married for 27 years. I used to go to the garage and sleep in a locked car.
You really do have a lot going for you, and you joined this forum, this family, and we would love to hear about all of your accomplishments, and we would love to congratulate you on those things and support you in any way that we can.
amy
I think you are doing terrific right now. Your career is really going really well, and I do know how hard it is sometimes to leave the past and let it go.
He really wasn't there for you, and he would have dragged you down. But you know something, we have that heart thing which sometimes I think they may have this but they don't hear it or listen to it.
I'm really glad that you joined this forum. Sometimes we want to feel like they are our best friends, and we want to share all of our accomplishments with them. He wasn't your best friend. You locked doors. You were afraid of him.
I was married for 27 years. I used to go to the garage and sleep in a locked car.
You really do have a lot going for you, and you joined this forum, this family, and we would love to hear about all of your accomplishments, and we would love to congratulate you on those things and support you in any way that we can.
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I also wanted to say that some people have this push/pull thing about themselves that it is really hard to describe.
I need to ask this. Even after you were so afraid that you locked doors, did you go back? Did you feel like you were on a rollercoaster ride. Always going up and down? Never knowing what to expect?
I felt like that, and I don't like to admit how many times that I went back. Thing was, I just felt like this episode was finally over, and now we can wait till the next. He withheld any and all emotions from me. When the fighting was over, and he came back to me, it almost felt like I was on a first date. You know, with the butterflies in the stomach type thing.
I hope you stay here and talk things out.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I need to ask this. Even after you were so afraid that you locked doors, did you go back? Did you feel like you were on a rollercoaster ride. Always going up and down? Never knowing what to expect?
I felt like that, and I don't like to admit how many times that I went back. Thing was, I just felt like this episode was finally over, and now we can wait till the next. He withheld any and all emotions from me. When the fighting was over, and he came back to me, it almost felt like I was on a first date. You know, with the butterflies in the stomach type thing.
I hope you stay here and talk things out.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p 
Thank you for "coming out of the mist," to borrow your words. If you've been reading my recent posts, you'll see that our situations share some similarities.
To answer your question, as someone who is co-dependent, I like to share my life experiences, the ups and downs, with my loved ones. When something bad happens (I lost my phone or a student feel asleep in class), I immediately contact ABF. Likewise, when I have good news (I finally ran an eight-minute mile or I helped write a million-dollar grant), I want to run home and tell ABF. Part of the reason I do this is because it feels good to share those moments with a loved one; I think this is true of most people and not necessarily unhealthy. It sounds like you have wonderful things going on in your life, so it makes sense that you feel sad that you can't share them with someone you care/cared about.
On the other hand, the much less innocuous reason I share my successes is that I'm looking for external validation, as codies often do, because I can't give it to myself. In other words, it's not enough for me to know I've done a good job. It feels better to hear it from someone else. Maybe there is some of this at play in your situation as well.
Either way, it's really hard to end a relationship, even a bad one, and the pain of the loss comes in waves. So ride the wave, be kind to yourself, and heck, don't forget to celebrate your success!
To answer your question, as someone who is co-dependent, I like to share my life experiences, the ups and downs, with my loved ones. When something bad happens (I lost my phone or a student feel asleep in class), I immediately contact ABF. Likewise, when I have good news (I finally ran an eight-minute mile or I helped write a million-dollar grant), I want to run home and tell ABF. Part of the reason I do this is because it feels good to share those moments with a loved one; I think this is true of most people and not necessarily unhealthy. It sounds like you have wonderful things going on in your life, so it makes sense that you feel sad that you can't share them with someone you care/cared about.
On the other hand, the much less innocuous reason I share my successes is that I'm looking for external validation, as codies often do, because I can't give it to myself. In other words, it's not enough for me to know I've done a good job. It feels better to hear it from someone else. Maybe there is some of this at play in your situation as well.
Either way, it's really hard to end a relationship, even a bad one, and the pain of the loss comes in waves. So ride the wave, be kind to yourself, and heck, don't forget to celebrate your success!
Rayn3dr0p,you nailed it. I always want to share too for all of the reasons you mentioned. And as soon as you said it I realized: it's my codependent need for validation. Thank you for sharing your insight! This was my ah-ha moment of the morning!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Sending you a hug. You've been through hell twice and have emerged stronger...but you don't ever have to book a return trip.
I hope you keep your post handy in case he contacts you again?
Get on with your one sweet life. There will come a time when you don't even really think about him except with gratitude that he's gone.
I hope you keep your post handy in case he contacts you again?
Get on with your one sweet life. There will come a time when you don't even really think about him except with gratitude that he's gone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
Thanks to all who read and responded. I appreciate your thoughts and well wishes. To answer one question, in the first go-round with XABF I did try so hard to keep our relationship alive because he appeared to be trying so hard to recover--he had a private therapist, an AA sponsor, and he was going to meetings daily. But at some point I stopped trying--when he rewrote history. I moved out because of his drinking. There was no other reason. He did not seem to take responsibility for that despite all his recovery activities. I was no contact with for 4 months before I moved 3000 miles away.
I suppose that I am struggling again now because I am moving forward with my life without him. And the program I am starting is in the city we most wanted to move to together. I do wish I could share this amazing news with him. But I am not tempted to contact him. Not at all. I don't need to learn that lesson a third time.
The sad, sad irony of this period in my life is that I had denied myself a partner the whole time I was single parenting because I was afraid that I would choose a bad partner and it would adversely affect my child. So I waited until I was an empty nester to start dating, and I ended up with an alcoholic. <heavy sigh>
I've been so alone for so long. I feel like I could start dating again. I am afraid that I will choose poorly again. Thanks to so many of you I know the signs to look for. I thought I knew something about alcoholism before, but I didn't. I didn't know that a binge drinker could be an alcoholic. I had heard of functional alcoholics, but I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know alcoholism was a progressive disease. But, I know better now. Thanks again for all your help!
I suppose that I am struggling again now because I am moving forward with my life without him. And the program I am starting is in the city we most wanted to move to together. I do wish I could share this amazing news with him. But I am not tempted to contact him. Not at all. I don't need to learn that lesson a third time.
The sad, sad irony of this period in my life is that I had denied myself a partner the whole time I was single parenting because I was afraid that I would choose a bad partner and it would adversely affect my child. So I waited until I was an empty nester to start dating, and I ended up with an alcoholic. <heavy sigh>
I've been so alone for so long. I feel like I could start dating again. I am afraid that I will choose poorly again. Thanks to so many of you I know the signs to look for. I thought I knew something about alcoholism before, but I didn't. I didn't know that a binge drinker could be an alcoholic. I had heard of functional alcoholics, but I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know alcoholism was a progressive disease. But, I know better now. Thanks again for all your help!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thank you so much for all you shared, for joining here, for opening up-- you come across as so thoughtful and strong and have been through SO much and have made such difficult choices for your own well being and Im in awe of it... I think in your shoes I would have had a hard time moving, taking the risks you did and being as brave as you have been.
I am in awe (in a good way!) of your story because of how strong and full of determination you are!
I suppose that I am struggling again now because I am moving forward with my life without him. And the program I am starting is in the city we most wanted to move to together. I do wish I could share this amazing news with him. But I am not tempted to contact him. Not at all. I don't need to learn that lesson a third time. That was always what would draw me back to my xAH... I would miss having him as someone to share things with-- he was in my life for 2 decades and was always the one I wanted to talk to about new/exciting/good news... And a simple friendly chat would suck me back in during the many many periods of separation and then it would be harder to stay apart... So, you are very, very smart to resist that urge. Come here and tell us the good news instead!
Oh I know this all too well! I have young ish kids still bc I had kids when I was a bit older, and I end things with potential dates the second I have any red flag feelings bc I am SO afraid of winding up with someone who is an addict again... You had NO way to know your ex fiancee was an addict. You were paying attn, you were attune to what was concerning, he hid it from you. There is nothing you could have done differently.
So glad you are here-- so glad you posted!
I am in awe (in a good way!) of your story because of how strong and full of determination you are!
Originally Posted by MsGreenJeans
I suppose that I am struggling again now because I am moving forward with my life without him. And the program I am starting is in the city we most wanted to move to together. I do wish I could share this amazing news with him. But I am not tempted to contact him. Not at all. I don't need to learn that lesson a third time.
The sad, sad irony of this period in my life is that I had denied myself a partner the whole time I was single parenting because I was afraid that I would choose a bad partner and it would adversely affect my child. So I waited until I was an empty nester to start dating, and I ended up with an alcoholic. <heavy sigh>
I've been so alone for so long. I feel like I could start dating again. I am afraid that I will choose poorly again. Thanks to so many of you I know the signs to look for. I thought I knew something about alcoholism before, but I didn't. I didn't know that a binge drinker could be an alcoholic. I had heard of functional alcoholics, but I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know alcoholism was a progressive disease. But, I know better now. Thanks again for all your help!
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