Contacting me from the ER
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Contacting me from the ER
Hey there,
My ex (of a month today) relapsed and went to the ER on Friday night and started sending me suicidal texts... Nice right? I didn't feel right ignoring him, as I lost a close friend to suicide a while back and I know he is on his own. (I sent him to his parents where he has no friends). If I ignored him and he w not through with it, I'd never forgive myself. I know he might as he has major depression too... And I know I can't prevent it if he really wants to do it and it would not be my fault...I told him he is loved and that tons of people care about him.... That's pretty much it.
Not sure if I want advice, but I'm just feeling so weird about it. He is on my insurance currently because he has zero money and no job. And since I left him with nothing and I'm fairly well off I felt it was the right thing to do.
I'm not wanting to get back with him or anything, just wondering if this happened to any of you and how you dealt with it emotionally? I still love and care for him, while knowing there is no chance for us to be a couple. I want to help but maintain distance so as not to get sucked into the vortex again.
Good times.
My ex (of a month today) relapsed and went to the ER on Friday night and started sending me suicidal texts... Nice right? I didn't feel right ignoring him, as I lost a close friend to suicide a while back and I know he is on his own. (I sent him to his parents where he has no friends). If I ignored him and he w not through with it, I'd never forgive myself. I know he might as he has major depression too... And I know I can't prevent it if he really wants to do it and it would not be my fault...I told him he is loved and that tons of people care about him.... That's pretty much it.
Not sure if I want advice, but I'm just feeling so weird about it. He is on my insurance currently because he has zero money and no job. And since I left him with nothing and I'm fairly well off I felt it was the right thing to do.
I'm not wanting to get back with him or anything, just wondering if this happened to any of you and how you dealt with it emotionally? I still love and care for him, while knowing there is no chance for us to be a couple. I want to help but maintain distance so as not to get sucked into the vortex again.
Good times.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You can call the police any time and ask them to do a well check b/c you fear someone is suicidal. They will do it.
This does two things. One, it will get him to the hospital if he needs to go. Secondly, if he is pulling your chain, it will teach him that you will act on it.
Many hugs, it's so hard to see those you care about go down this road.
This does two things. One, it will get him to the hospital if he needs to go. Secondly, if he is pulling your chain, it will teach him that you will act on it.
Many hugs, it's so hard to see those you care about go down this road.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
I lost six months staying with a girl who threatend to kill herself if I left, I even went back to check on her after I got with someone else, you can imagine the trouble that caused. Paying attention just encourages them, like giving food to a begging dog.
The end has to come at some point delaying it dont help anyone, I can see it now but at the time like you I would have felt terrible had she followed through with her threats. Its a horrible position they put us in, good luck, wish I could have better advice for you.
The end has to come at some point delaying it dont help anyone, I can see it now but at the time like you I would have felt terrible had she followed through with her threats. Its a horrible position they put us in, good luck, wish I could have better advice for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
I'm keeping a distance for sure. And luckily he is a couple of thousand miles away so I can't get sucked in too much. You are probably right about the blackmail. At the time I asked him if his dad was there.... And he said no you are my contact... Which seemed off.
If it doesn't hit the insurance I'll know he lied.
If it doesn't hit the insurance I'll know he lied.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by CaveGirl 
He is on my insurance currently because he has zero money and no job. And since I left him with nothing and I'm fairly well off I felt it was the right thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
people who are suicidal with INTENT don't take themselves to the ER. so while his texts may have been disturbing, he was AT a medical facility. it is more likely he was seeing if you would come RESCUE him, take him in, take care of him, since he isn't interested in doing so himself.
as long as SOMEONE will take care of his needs......be that being sent back to his parents or someone paying for his insurance....he is all that less likely to do so for himself. man, i am STILL trying to figure out how to get someone to take care of me so i don't have to work and have all the disposable income i "need" as i live a life of leisure!!! but i've never quite mastered the art of LOOKING helpless or BEING helpless......and so no one has sent the Marines. sigh.
the more you SEE him as helpless and without (aka NO job, NO friends, NO life), the more he will BE at least to you. this is the path he has chosen for himself.....as much as your path is wholly yours to own.
as long as SOMEONE will take care of his needs......be that being sent back to his parents or someone paying for his insurance....he is all that less likely to do so for himself. man, i am STILL trying to figure out how to get someone to take care of me so i don't have to work and have all the disposable income i "need" as i live a life of leisure!!! but i've never quite mastered the art of LOOKING helpless or BEING helpless......and so no one has sent the Marines. sigh.
the more you SEE him as helpless and without (aka NO job, NO friends, NO life), the more he will BE at least to you. this is the path he has chosen for himself.....as much as your path is wholly yours to own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Hey all... Thanks for your responses. The insurance thing is just for a few months while he gets on his feet. He has a job offer that comes with insurance. Trust me if his job doesn't 'work out' I'll be cutting that off too.
I know he created this mess. But I dumped him at the airport with only the suitcase he had on vacation. I'm not babying him, I'm trying to treat him with some dignity. Being sent home to your parents in your mid 30s doesn't really afford much dignity.
I still have his stuff, which for now I put in a closet. And when I feel like. It I'll send it to him.
I know he created this mess. But I dumped him at the airport with only the suitcase he had on vacation. I'm not babying him, I'm trying to treat him with some dignity. Being sent home to your parents in your mid 30s doesn't really afford much dignity.
I still have his stuff, which for now I put in a closet. And when I feel like. It I'll send it to him.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Cave girl,
Have you ever read Co-dependent no more. I think this book would be very helpful for you to move forward. Alcoholics very rarely get on their feet. This disease is progressive and will only get worse. By you enabling him, he works you , makes you feel guilty and he doesn't have to act like an adult. I am posting something I read on SR a while back and I hope you think about it.....
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Have you ever read Co-dependent no more. I think this book would be very helpful for you to move forward. Alcoholics very rarely get on their feet. This disease is progressive and will only get worse. By you enabling him, he works you , makes you feel guilty and he doesn't have to act like an adult. I am posting something I read on SR a while back and I hope you think about it.....
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second all the advice above. While I'm sure your intentions are goid, it is enabling him to be dependent on you and not fall-which is what he needs to do to get better. Maybe he would figure it out, maybe not. But the people "helping" are not really helping-it's hurting him. And btw, don't guess how he feels about living with his parents-maybe that's exactly what he wants. My ex was in his mid thirties when he left to live with mommy-he's still there bc as he told me many times, she let's me do whatever I want. It's sad and embarrassing but it's not my life. So, just take a step back is all I'm saying. My two cents.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad you have have a plan in place, and I hope it's a firm one. I understand your wanting to give him some dignity, and I think your heart is in the right place.
So, keep your future plan tight in place, no matter how much he tries to manipulate you.
Tight hugs.
So, keep your future plan tight in place, no matter how much he tries to manipulate you.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
people who are suicidal with INTENT don't take themselves to the ER. so while his texts may have been disturbing, he was AT a medical facility. it is more likely he was seeing if you would come RESCUE him, take him in, take care of him, since he isn't interested in doing so himself.
as long as SOMEONE will take care of his needs......be that being sent back to his parents or someone paying for his insurance....he is all that less likely to do so for himself. man, i am STILL trying to figure out how to get someone to take care of me so i don't have to work and have all the disposable income i "need" as i live a life of leisure!!! but i've never quite mastered the art of LOOKING helpless or BEING helpless......and so no one has sent the Marines. sigh.
the more you SEE him as helpless and without (aka NO job, NO friends, NO life), the more he will BE at least to you. this is the path he has chosen for himself.....as much as your path is wholly yours to own.
as long as SOMEONE will take care of his needs......be that being sent back to his parents or someone paying for his insurance....he is all that less likely to do so for himself. man, i am STILL trying to figure out how to get someone to take care of me so i don't have to work and have all the disposable income i "need" as i live a life of leisure!!! but i've never quite mastered the art of LOOKING helpless or BEING helpless......and so no one has sent the Marines. sigh.
the more you SEE him as helpless and without (aka NO job, NO friends, NO life), the more he will BE at least to you. this is the path he has chosen for himself.....as much as your path is wholly yours to own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Call the police,forward the texts to them and then block him.
Then you'll know you've done all you can for him.
It's for your own piece of mind.
Then you'll know you've done all you can for him.
It's for your own piece of mind.
Originally Posted by CaveGirl
Hey there,
My ex (of a month today) relapsed and went to the ER on Friday night and started sending me suicidal texts... Nice right? I didn't feel right ignoring him, as I lost a close friend to suicide a while back and I know he is on his own. (I sent him to his parents where he has no friends). If I ignored him and he w not through with it, I'd never forgive myself. I know he might as he has major depression too... And I know I can't prevent it if he really wants to do it and it would not be my fault...I told him he is loved and that tons of people care about him.... That's pretty much it.
Not sure if I want advice, but I'm just feeling so weird about it. He is on my insurance currently because he has zero money and no job. And since I left him with nothing and I'm fairly well off I felt it was the right thing to do.
I'm not wanting to get back with him or anything, just wondering if this happened to any of you and how you dealt with it emotionally? I still love and care for him, while knowing there is no chance for us to be a couple. I want to help but maintain distance so as not to get sucked into the vortex again.
Good times.
My ex (of a month today) relapsed and went to the ER on Friday night and started sending me suicidal texts... Nice right? I didn't feel right ignoring him, as I lost a close friend to suicide a while back and I know he is on his own. (I sent him to his parents where he has no friends). If I ignored him and he w not through with it, I'd never forgive myself. I know he might as he has major depression too... And I know I can't prevent it if he really wants to do it and it would not be my fault...I told him he is loved and that tons of people care about him.... That's pretty much it.
Not sure if I want advice, but I'm just feeling so weird about it. He is on my insurance currently because he has zero money and no job. And since I left him with nothing and I'm fairly well off I felt it was the right thing to do.
I'm not wanting to get back with him or anything, just wondering if this happened to any of you and how you dealt with it emotionally? I still love and care for him, while knowing there is no chance for us to be a couple. I want to help but maintain distance so as not to get sucked into the vortex again.
Good times.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by iSPAZ
My experience with this is different. When I reached a point that I was absolutely certain that I was going to complete the task that is precisely when I did go to the ER to get help. I did not know where else to go as I did not want to burden anyone with my problems. At the time could not think of anyone I could trust enough with the truth of how I really felt. I simply could not longer deal with the anxiety, no sleep and inability to eat or hold down food. They helped me and got me heading back in the right direction.... thankfully.
I'm very glad you got help and I hope you had and continue to have a good support network around you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But I dumped him at the airport with only the suitcase he had on vacation. I'm not babying him, I'm trying to treat him with some dignity. Being sent home to your parents in your mid 30s doesn't really afford much dignity.
I still have his stuff, which for now I put in a closet. And when I feel like. It I'll send it to him.
on the one hand you say you sent him home with virtually nothing, but then state you still hold on to the rest of HIS stuff but will send it when you get around to it. do you see the conflict there? by holding on to his "stuff" you maintain a bit of control......and keep him in that "has nothing" state.
I still have his stuff, which for now I put in a closet. And when I feel like. It I'll send it to him.
on the one hand you say you sent him home with virtually nothing, but then state you still hold on to the rest of HIS stuff but will send it when you get around to it. do you see the conflict there? by holding on to his "stuff" you maintain a bit of control......and keep him in that "has nothing" state.
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