Help getting over my high functioning alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: london
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Help getting over my high functioning alcoholic boyfriend
This is my first post thank you for reading
Sorry if rambling but head is all over the place.
I have suddenly been dumped after a seemingly perfect 6 months relationship with an ex childhood sweet heart.
From day one he was full on so I took his lead, we have had a fabulous time, he has treated me so well.
I did however noticed he drank quite heavily but it never affected our relationship or his work, he has a responsible job.
we were always out and about, and developed a love of walking.
He told me that before he meet me that he used to finish work and head for the pub most nights as he had nothing else to do, and how much he was enjoying life with me.
He told me he had never felt this way about anyone, and when he told me, many times, how much he loved me it was always from the heart, and I did and still do believe him.
He loved it because we also did things separately, I went out with my friends and he did his thing, but mostly we were together.
He was making plans for our future, as in, days out weekends away (2 booked) and a holiday for my valentines present.
When we out and had a drink together he started to say he wanted to go home and not stay the night, I always wanted him to stay, he would cause an argument and walk home, but we always made up the next day, I had a word with myself on this and told him if he wanted to go home it was ok by me.
The week before valentines day we had been out, come back to mine and he was going to get a taxi home but he just went and got in my bed, when we woke up in the morning he had wet the bed. I was mortified but did not show it and told him not to worry I would sort it and never mentioned it again.
Valentines weekend,I didn't see him on the Friday night but he had had a skinful, and felt crap the next day, we had made plans for a quite weekend but he decided he wanted to spend all weekend in the pub watching Rugby, I was disappointed but didn't make a fuss over this as rugby is his passion.
On valentines day I had the most beautiful card, and all day he was cuddling me and telling me how much he loved me.
We had dinner together Monday.
He then txt me on Tuesday and I rang him rather than texting back as I wanted to discuss something with him, he never ignores a phone call from me so didn't think anything when he never picked up the call he always rings back, to cut a long story short after no contact for 4 hours I was worried sick, so went to his house and let myself in, he was in bed so had been ignoring me!!....just like that totally out the blue???...he gave me some ******** excuse then said he was going back to bed so I walked out, that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then he has contacted me twice one a txt asking me to call the next a phone call asking if we can talk, he was drunk so we arranged to meet the next day but he told me how much he loved me but needed space and felt like his life had been taken over, I told him I had only followed his lead, on both occasions at his request I contacted him and he has ignored me.
I sent him a lovely letter telling him I hadn't realized he felt that way and could we work things out, he ignored the letter too.
He text me a over a week ago asking if I was ok, I replied that I was ok thank you...then nothing, so I sent him a txt asking why he contacts me then ignores me when I respond, my respect for him was gone and if he didn't want to be with me to move on.
That was our last contact.
I saw his daughter and she told me she couldn't believe we had parted as he was so happy with me.
I have mentioned in passing to him that I have never known anyone drink so much as him but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem because of his good job, (he never loses time), his nice car and house.
Im posting this because today I feel more upset than I did when we first split, I am missing him so much, I just cant understand why I have been dumped and it appears he has just reverted back to the life he was so glad to leave, permanently in the pub, I feel he has chosen drink over me I just cant get my head around it, he has totally cut me out of his life as I have done him some great injustice.
My heart wants him back but my head is telling me its for the best.
Sorry if rambling but head is all over the place.
I have suddenly been dumped after a seemingly perfect 6 months relationship with an ex childhood sweet heart.
From day one he was full on so I took his lead, we have had a fabulous time, he has treated me so well.
I did however noticed he drank quite heavily but it never affected our relationship or his work, he has a responsible job.
we were always out and about, and developed a love of walking.
He told me that before he meet me that he used to finish work and head for the pub most nights as he had nothing else to do, and how much he was enjoying life with me.
He told me he had never felt this way about anyone, and when he told me, many times, how much he loved me it was always from the heart, and I did and still do believe him.
He loved it because we also did things separately, I went out with my friends and he did his thing, but mostly we were together.
He was making plans for our future, as in, days out weekends away (2 booked) and a holiday for my valentines present.
When we out and had a drink together he started to say he wanted to go home and not stay the night, I always wanted him to stay, he would cause an argument and walk home, but we always made up the next day, I had a word with myself on this and told him if he wanted to go home it was ok by me.
The week before valentines day we had been out, come back to mine and he was going to get a taxi home but he just went and got in my bed, when we woke up in the morning he had wet the bed. I was mortified but did not show it and told him not to worry I would sort it and never mentioned it again.
Valentines weekend,I didn't see him on the Friday night but he had had a skinful, and felt crap the next day, we had made plans for a quite weekend but he decided he wanted to spend all weekend in the pub watching Rugby, I was disappointed but didn't make a fuss over this as rugby is his passion.
On valentines day I had the most beautiful card, and all day he was cuddling me and telling me how much he loved me.
We had dinner together Monday.
He then txt me on Tuesday and I rang him rather than texting back as I wanted to discuss something with him, he never ignores a phone call from me so didn't think anything when he never picked up the call he always rings back, to cut a long story short after no contact for 4 hours I was worried sick, so went to his house and let myself in, he was in bed so had been ignoring me!!....just like that totally out the blue???...he gave me some ******** excuse then said he was going back to bed so I walked out, that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then he has contacted me twice one a txt asking me to call the next a phone call asking if we can talk, he was drunk so we arranged to meet the next day but he told me how much he loved me but needed space and felt like his life had been taken over, I told him I had only followed his lead, on both occasions at his request I contacted him and he has ignored me.
I sent him a lovely letter telling him I hadn't realized he felt that way and could we work things out, he ignored the letter too.
He text me a over a week ago asking if I was ok, I replied that I was ok thank you...then nothing, so I sent him a txt asking why he contacts me then ignores me when I respond, my respect for him was gone and if he didn't want to be with me to move on.
That was our last contact.
I saw his daughter and she told me she couldn't believe we had parted as he was so happy with me.
I have mentioned in passing to him that I have never known anyone drink so much as him but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem because of his good job, (he never loses time), his nice car and house.
Im posting this because today I feel more upset than I did when we first split, I am missing him so much, I just cant understand why I have been dumped and it appears he has just reverted back to the life he was so glad to leave, permanently in the pub, I feel he has chosen drink over me I just cant get my head around it, he has totally cut me out of his life as I have done him some great injustice.
My heart wants him back but my head is telling me its for the best.
Last edited by lucy14; 03-14-2016 at 08:46 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, lucy, and welcome to SR. I have only a little time, but I'd like to say 2 things:
1) "High functioning" isn't a type of alcoholic, it's a stage. They are high functioning until they aren't...reading around the forum will show you many examples of that.
2) Your head knows better than your heart. Use it to read around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page.
Again, welcome, and I hope you find support, education and clarification here!
1) "High functioning" isn't a type of alcoholic, it's a stage. They are high functioning until they aren't...reading around the forum will show you many examples of that.
2) Your head knows better than your heart. Use it to read around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page.
Again, welcome, and I hope you find support, education and clarification here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: london
Posts: 5
Hi honeypig thank you for your reply, and my welcome to the forum.
Yes I agree High functioning at the moment but he is 53 years old, so when will he hit rock bottom, he seems to get along fine, work drink and sleep is his life now.
Hopefully as time goes on my head will rule my heart, at this moment in time my heart is winning.
I am not going to contact him and im hoping he keeps away, its hard but I know its for the best...x
Yes I agree High functioning at the moment but he is 53 years old, so when will he hit rock bottom, he seems to get along fine, work drink and sleep is his life now.
Hopefully as time goes on my head will rule my heart, at this moment in time my heart is winning.
I am not going to contact him and im hoping he keeps away, its hard but I know its for the best...x
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I think you'd be smart to go further than "hoping he keeps away" and take steps to make sure he keeps away. He has shown you the life you could expect if you stay with him. Only you know if that's what you want.
Again, please do some reading here and educate yourself about alcoholism. There is no guarantee that his decline, WHEN (not if) it comes, will be gradual or linear. The good job, the nice car, his home and his health could all be lost in a single bad night, and it's not like we get a telegram warning us before it happens.
Again, please do some reading here and educate yourself about alcoholism. There is no guarantee that his decline, WHEN (not if) it comes, will be gradual or linear. The good job, the nice car, his home and his health could all be lost in a single bad night, and it's not like we get a telegram warning us before it happens.
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Location: W Washington
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well, at least it was only six months.....not six years or six kids later. you may not see that NOW, but it's a big bonus.
a LOT of time has passed since you two were CHILDHOOD sweethearts, and rarely do i see those "reconnections" working out so well. i think because the thinking/belief/hope is that it will be JUST like OLD times........and in the early days, when we're all giddy and starry eyed, we are still living in and romanticizing the past.....it takes a while for the present to catch up.
i think this is where the bloom started to fall off the rose:
I had a word with myself on this and told him if he wanted to go home it was ok by me.
The week before valentines day we had been out, come back to mine and he was going to get a taxi home but he just went and got in my bed, when we woke up in the morning he had wet the bed. I was mortified but did not show it and told him not to worry I would sort it and never mentioned it again.
Valentines weekend,I didn't see him on the Friday night but he had had a skinful, and felt crap the next day, we had made plans for a quite weekend but he decided he wanted to spend all weekend in the pub watching Rugby, I was disappointed but didn't make a fuss over this as rugby is his passion.
two things happened here.....first, his alcoholism caught up with your budding romance - he pee'd in your bed!!! which is probably why he had declined staying the night before.....i doubt this is the first time he's urinated somewhere other than the toilet. on V-day weekend you two HAD plans but he got trashed and was mightily hungover and so your plans CHANGED to better fit HIS drinking/post-drinking needs.
secondly, in both cases, you chose the meek/quiet response.....you chose not to make a fuss or not to say anything to the ADULT who pee'd all over your bed! you were already indoctrinating yourself into the "don't rock the boat" and excuse-making mentality of the codependent/enabler.
he didn't choose booze over you - that was already a choice he made. he is unable to live a "normal" regular dating guy life, because his disease simply will not allow it. it will always FIND him, and make itself known. his drinking is a problem that has been around for a LONGGGG time and it will continue to gobble up every corner of his life, bit by bit.
i know it hurts like the dickens.....but heartache and disappointment were your next stops if you had stayed on his bus.
a LOT of time has passed since you two were CHILDHOOD sweethearts, and rarely do i see those "reconnections" working out so well. i think because the thinking/belief/hope is that it will be JUST like OLD times........and in the early days, when we're all giddy and starry eyed, we are still living in and romanticizing the past.....it takes a while for the present to catch up.
i think this is where the bloom started to fall off the rose:
I had a word with myself on this and told him if he wanted to go home it was ok by me.
The week before valentines day we had been out, come back to mine and he was going to get a taxi home but he just went and got in my bed, when we woke up in the morning he had wet the bed. I was mortified but did not show it and told him not to worry I would sort it and never mentioned it again.
Valentines weekend,I didn't see him on the Friday night but he had had a skinful, and felt crap the next day, we had made plans for a quite weekend but he decided he wanted to spend all weekend in the pub watching Rugby, I was disappointed but didn't make a fuss over this as rugby is his passion.
two things happened here.....first, his alcoholism caught up with your budding romance - he pee'd in your bed!!! which is probably why he had declined staying the night before.....i doubt this is the first time he's urinated somewhere other than the toilet. on V-day weekend you two HAD plans but he got trashed and was mightily hungover and so your plans CHANGED to better fit HIS drinking/post-drinking needs.
secondly, in both cases, you chose the meek/quiet response.....you chose not to make a fuss or not to say anything to the ADULT who pee'd all over your bed! you were already indoctrinating yourself into the "don't rock the boat" and excuse-making mentality of the codependent/enabler.
he didn't choose booze over you - that was already a choice he made. he is unable to live a "normal" regular dating guy life, because his disease simply will not allow it. it will always FIND him, and make itself known. his drinking is a problem that has been around for a LONGGGG time and it will continue to gobble up every corner of his life, bit by bit.
i know it hurts like the dickens.....but heartache and disappointment were your next stops if you had stayed on his bus.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Lucy, your post probably resonates with many of us. This man is dangerous, he is dangerous to your heart and your mind, These are the actions of an alcoholic on his way down. Rest assured that he will continue to use you to make himself feel better, when he is lonely he will reach out, and when he is drinking he will dump you in a ditch, this is what alcoholics do to their significant others, they use them to make themselves feel more pumped up. He doesn't answer your calls or your texts because he already got what he wanted, a reply from you that lets him know that he is still under your skin.
He is 53 years old??? He tells you he is in control of his drinking, he tells you he is doing fine at work, I find that very hard to believe, I believed many things my x alcoholic told me too, none of it was true, the only thing that was true was that he was dangerous to me.
You are very valuable, your happiness is of the utmost of importance, he doesn't see it that way, he never will. You don't get you self worth from him, a life with him is a dead end, don't do what I did, don't spend your time trying how to figure out whether or not he loves you, he is incapable of love, his brain is not functioning well, it is swimming in booze.
Have you ever read the 12 steps, if not, and if you can bring yourself to, give them a read, you may find them to be helpful, we are all truly powerless over the actions of an alcoholic, their behavior is disjointed and senseless. Block his number and work on healing yourself and getting straight with the reality of what is really going on here, It's not you, and the more you try to make sense of this, the more confused you will become. He is a liar, nothing he says is real.
He is 53 years old??? He tells you he is in control of his drinking, he tells you he is doing fine at work, I find that very hard to believe, I believed many things my x alcoholic told me too, none of it was true, the only thing that was true was that he was dangerous to me.
You are very valuable, your happiness is of the utmost of importance, he doesn't see it that way, he never will. You don't get you self worth from him, a life with him is a dead end, don't do what I did, don't spend your time trying how to figure out whether or not he loves you, he is incapable of love, his brain is not functioning well, it is swimming in booze.
Have you ever read the 12 steps, if not, and if you can bring yourself to, give them a read, you may find them to be helpful, we are all truly powerless over the actions of an alcoholic, their behavior is disjointed and senseless. Block his number and work on healing yourself and getting straight with the reality of what is really going on here, It's not you, and the more you try to make sense of this, the more confused you will become. He is a liar, nothing he says is real.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Lucy, Iīm so sorry this is happening to you, and I can relate so much! Sending you a big hug.
The thing that strikes me is the ex childhood sweetheart, Iīve read so much cases of returning A first loves - and it has also been my own experience - that Iīm wondering maybe thereīs a pattern here? That As like to go back to the relationships of their teens, because they never matured further than that? In my case I was so clueless that I even wondered, in the beginning, if it wouldīve been better if we had never parted, and married and had kids together. Because if we were together again after 25 years, didnīt that mean something? Now I realize it just means I got sucked into a nightmare. And Iīm only a year and a half in - luckily we didnīt have kids!
Please read as much as you can about alcoholism, especially about the dynamics they establish in their relationships. The thing is, normal human interactions get twisted so you end up feeling guilty when youīve done nothing wrong.
Iīm feeling the same as you about hoping my A just goes away, I still havenīt found the strength to make it that way. Which probably shows how difficult it is to deal with As.
The thing that strikes me is the ex childhood sweetheart, Iīve read so much cases of returning A first loves - and it has also been my own experience - that Iīm wondering maybe thereīs a pattern here? That As like to go back to the relationships of their teens, because they never matured further than that? In my case I was so clueless that I even wondered, in the beginning, if it wouldīve been better if we had never parted, and married and had kids together. Because if we were together again after 25 years, didnīt that mean something? Now I realize it just means I got sucked into a nightmare. And Iīm only a year and a half in - luckily we didnīt have kids!
Please read as much as you can about alcoholism, especially about the dynamics they establish in their relationships. The thing is, normal human interactions get twisted so you end up feeling guilty when youīve done nothing wrong.
Iīm feeling the same as you about hoping my A just goes away, I still havenīt found the strength to make it that way. Which probably shows how difficult it is to deal with As.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Thank you for you replies,you all write so well compared to me,
honeypig.... My ex boyfriend is an alcoholic, who functions at the moment, the amount he drinks is unbelievable. its a wonder he is still alive let alone functioning.
Anvilhead...Thank you...
Maybe I should rephrase the childhood sweetheart comment really all we did was to hold hands in the playground at 15 yrs old, so nothing too involved.
The bed wetting incident, Im sure, has happened before and had the same thoughts as you,as in that is why he didn't want to stay.
I didn't not make a big issue over this as he was clearly embarrassed, I treated him, and reassured him as I would have a child and not an adult.
Valentines weekend, although it hurt I really didn't mind watching the Rugby as it was a big game with England playing and I was thinking along the lines of not making him do what he didn't want to, but it didn't matter about my weekend, did it!!, he knows I hate sitting in pubs.
Until you put this in black and white I never figured, that basically because of his hangover he ruined the weekend.
Katiekate...thank you.
You are right this man is dangerous, he has broken my heart.
He may well reach out for me when he gets lonely, he says he is a loner but seeks out company in the pub, no one is a loner its not natural we are pack animals to be alone goes against nature.
He has no close friends only people he drinks with, I on the other hand have a close knit group of loyal and true friends who are all helping me get through this difficult time.
We are both 53 and yes he thinks he is total control of his drinking, he works shifts and has never lost a day, but when he is for example on an early shift he just drinks earlier and goes to bed earlier.
I have looked at the twelve steps, he would not be interested in them as he doesn't have a problem does he!!
I really do believe he loved me, but his drunk fuddled brain couldn't handle it.
bluelilly thank you
Seems we are in a similar situation...big hug to you my dear..
I hope you get yours sorted, its so hard when you love someone.
I have now read a few things and am seeing some sense, as in its not me!!!
I cant just flick a magic switch and fall out of love with this man, I cant fault the way he has treated me up until valentines day.
He has been as near perfect in his treatment of me as he could be, loving respectful, thoughtful, generous to a fault, all that anyone could want, and for this I overlooked his drinking.
I know he loved and was happy with me, this is why it hurts so much, we just really gelled together, had the same interests and stupid sense of humor and I think he tried to have a normal relationship with me but he couldn't sustain it.
I cant hate him but having read a few things now I actually feel sorry for him., I think he had been on a binge and got depressed or something, what ever it is not normal behavior to love someone and then cut them completely out of your life. for no reason.
I know we were together only six months but the time that we spent together felt like forever.
I will get over him its just raw at the present time.
I know its over and don't think I will hear from him, so now I will just get on with my life.
Thank you..x
honeypig.... My ex boyfriend is an alcoholic, who functions at the moment, the amount he drinks is unbelievable. its a wonder he is still alive let alone functioning.
Anvilhead...Thank you...
Maybe I should rephrase the childhood sweetheart comment really all we did was to hold hands in the playground at 15 yrs old, so nothing too involved.
The bed wetting incident, Im sure, has happened before and had the same thoughts as you,as in that is why he didn't want to stay.
I didn't not make a big issue over this as he was clearly embarrassed, I treated him, and reassured him as I would have a child and not an adult.
Valentines weekend, although it hurt I really didn't mind watching the Rugby as it was a big game with England playing and I was thinking along the lines of not making him do what he didn't want to, but it didn't matter about my weekend, did it!!, he knows I hate sitting in pubs.
Until you put this in black and white I never figured, that basically because of his hangover he ruined the weekend.
Katiekate...thank you.
You are right this man is dangerous, he has broken my heart.
He may well reach out for me when he gets lonely, he says he is a loner but seeks out company in the pub, no one is a loner its not natural we are pack animals to be alone goes against nature.
He has no close friends only people he drinks with, I on the other hand have a close knit group of loyal and true friends who are all helping me get through this difficult time.
We are both 53 and yes he thinks he is total control of his drinking, he works shifts and has never lost a day, but when he is for example on an early shift he just drinks earlier and goes to bed earlier.
I have looked at the twelve steps, he would not be interested in them as he doesn't have a problem does he!!
I really do believe he loved me, but his drunk fuddled brain couldn't handle it.
bluelilly thank you
Seems we are in a similar situation...big hug to you my dear..
I hope you get yours sorted, its so hard when you love someone.
I have now read a few things and am seeing some sense, as in its not me!!!
I cant just flick a magic switch and fall out of love with this man, I cant fault the way he has treated me up until valentines day.
He has been as near perfect in his treatment of me as he could be, loving respectful, thoughtful, generous to a fault, all that anyone could want, and for this I overlooked his drinking.
I know he loved and was happy with me, this is why it hurts so much, we just really gelled together, had the same interests and stupid sense of humor and I think he tried to have a normal relationship with me but he couldn't sustain it.
I cant hate him but having read a few things now I actually feel sorry for him., I think he had been on a binge and got depressed or something, what ever it is not normal behavior to love someone and then cut them completely out of your life. for no reason.
I know we were together only six months but the time that we spent together felt like forever.
I will get over him its just raw at the present time.
I know its over and don't think I will hear from him, so now I will just get on with my life.
Thank you..x
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