Lucy, Iīm so sorry this is happening to you, and I can relate so much! Sending you a big hug.
The thing that strikes me is the ex childhood sweetheart, Iīve read so much cases of returning A first loves - and it has also been my own experience - that Iīm wondering maybe thereīs a pattern here? That As like to go back to the relationships of their teens, because they never matured further than that? In my case I was so clueless that I even wondered, in the beginning, if it wouldīve been better if we had never parted, and married and had kids together. Because if we were together again after 25 years, didnīt that mean something? Now I realize it just means I got sucked into a nightmare. And Iīm only a year and a half in - luckily we didnīt have kids!
Please read as much as you can about alcoholism, especially about the dynamics they establish in their relationships. The thing is, normal human interactions get twisted so you end up feeling guilty when youīve done nothing wrong.
Iīm feeling the same as you about hoping my A just goes away, I still havenīt found the strength to make it that way. Which probably shows how difficult it is to deal with As.