Don't Understand
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Don't Understand
I've posted previously about my situation with my AW and what has led me here, but can anyone help me understand why I am so back and forth on making this fifth relapse my final straw? She is in her second round of rehab right now. I appreciate any and all advice. Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Maybe if you try and think of codependency and alcoholism as similar problems, then you can understand why it is just as hard to get rid of someone you love no matter how much of a negative influence they are on our lives, as it is to recover from alcoholism.
They are addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to them.
They have denial about how alcohol negatively affects their lives, and we go through denial about how they negatively affect our lives.
They know something is wrong with their lives, but can't put a finger on it...for a while, and we know something is wrong with our lives, but can't put a finger on it...for a while.
They have to accept they need alcohol out of their lives for it to be healthier, and we have to accept that we need unhealthy attachment out of our lives before we can be healthier.
You see what I mean?
The steps to getting better are similar as well.
We admit we are powerless over THEM.
We turn inward and become selfish about our recovery.
We stop doing things for others that hurt ourselves.
We rediscover our self worth.
And then, we remove what is affecting our serenity and growth.
Best to you - it's no easy task for the alcoholic or the codependent.
They are addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to them.
They have denial about how alcohol negatively affects their lives, and we go through denial about how they negatively affect our lives.
They know something is wrong with their lives, but can't put a finger on it...for a while, and we know something is wrong with our lives, but can't put a finger on it...for a while.
They have to accept they need alcohol out of their lives for it to be healthier, and we have to accept that we need unhealthy attachment out of our lives before we can be healthier.
You see what I mean?
The steps to getting better are similar as well.
We admit we are powerless over THEM.
We turn inward and become selfish about our recovery.
We stop doing things for others that hurt ourselves.
We rediscover our self worth.
And then, we remove what is affecting our serenity and growth.
Best to you - it's no easy task for the alcoholic or the codependent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Thanks Fire...that makes it easier. I just was so determined that the last two days and even for about 5-6 days after she left, that I was leaving, but the longer I have had to sit and sulk and stew in this, the harder it's been to see the end of the tunnel. I know that if we stay together, it will take me an enormous amount of time for me to gain trust back and just kind of sit back and wait for her to relapse, just because of the past history, but I am afraid to leave because even though the last 6-7 years of our marriage has mostly had alcohol or medication abuse by her, when she was sober, she was a good mom and wife, and there were good moments. But her last relapse made me feel like I was at my wits end and, even though I hardly ever break down, I have broke down more in the last 3-4 weeks than I have in the last 7-8 years. I do have to look at it that way for it to make sense. Thanks again!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Confused
Read my post on "letting go!"
In order for them to get better, we must let go! It is a difficult task to complete, but it has to be done. They do not heal when we are doing everything for them, trust me, I did everything but TURN BLUE for my son, to no avail! When I finally said, "stick a fork in me, I'm done!" He got it! That meant, no place to flop, no more money, no more gift cards for food, no more "nutttin"
He thought, YIPES, went through all my "friends" got nobody, better go in a rehab, 'cause I hate sleeping on the street!
Hang in there, and practice, practice, practice!
Hugs, Devastated
In order for them to get better, we must let go! It is a difficult task to complete, but it has to be done. They do not heal when we are doing everything for them, trust me, I did everything but TURN BLUE for my son, to no avail! When I finally said, "stick a fork in me, I'm done!" He got it! That meant, no place to flop, no more money, no more gift cards for food, no more "nutttin"
He thought, YIPES, went through all my "friends" got nobody, better go in a rehab, 'cause I hate sleeping on the street!
Hang in there, and practice, practice, practice!
Hugs, Devastated
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
its just not going to work for ANYONE if you stay in this situation. She needs at least a year of sobriety to even know what SHE really wants or what is really good for her. Continue with your plan to separate...as an outsider....I can see it would be best for ALL ;(
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just was so determined that the last two days and even for about 5-6 days after she left, that I was leaving, but the longer I have had to sit and sulk and stew in this, the harder it's been to see the end of the tunnel.
Again - we're so similar to them in the sense that initially, stopping our addiction (them) is painful. We are super motivated for a few days, then withdrawal sets in. This is a VERY pivotal place.
Much like them, we either let our emotions take over the rational and we fall back into our addiction.
OR, we decide we need to get better for ourselves. We are tired of the way we were living, and the pain of keeping on that way is greater than the pain of changing it all.
It is SO hard - and we do it on our timeline. Only you know when you've had enough.
Best to you - there is no pain like loving an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Thanks all...it really just hit me hard this time because of how old our children are, and the fact that once I had enough and wanted to end it, she responded with the ER visit to tell them she wanted to end her life, and didn't let me come back or let them tell me anything. I was furious to say the least. Nevertheless, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but man, I didn't expect this. Thanks again to everyone!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
With my now xAH, I was as addicted to him and the cycle of drama (that was predictable if nothing else) as he was addicted to alcohol.
That's the only thing that makes sense to me in terms of why we continue to stay. We are addicted to the addict. And just as they continue to use their substance of choice despite knowing that it's harmful to them, we continue to stay connected to individuals who are not good for or often, to, us.
That's my two cents...
That's the only thing that makes sense to me in terms of why we continue to stay. We are addicted to the addict. And just as they continue to use their substance of choice despite knowing that it's harmful to them, we continue to stay connected to individuals who are not good for or often, to, us.
That's my two cents...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Yep, I did the same thing until the pain was greater staying than the horrible fear I had of leaving and all the consequences that would happen with my leaving. Fear...wow...it had an incredible grip on me. I cried -- ALOT. I cried til I was sure I was dehydrated and then cried more. With each tear shed I felt a little better because all those years living with an alcoholic I didn't allow myself to feel. The stress was literally making me physically ill and I knew I had to get out to self preserve.
You may go back and forth a few times, thats ok. As I have been told so many times by others on here, you don't have to do anything right now your'e not sure about. You can choose to use this time with your wife in rehab to just collect your thoughts, mourn, or just enjoy the peace. You can decide to do what you want and need for you whenever you want and need to make those decisions. There are no have to's.
Its so doggone hard, it is.
And what firebolt said -- amen and AMEN!
Hugs
You may go back and forth a few times, thats ok. As I have been told so many times by others on here, you don't have to do anything right now your'e not sure about. You can choose to use this time with your wife in rehab to just collect your thoughts, mourn, or just enjoy the peace. You can decide to do what you want and need for you whenever you want and need to make those decisions. There are no have to's.
Its so doggone hard, it is.
And what firebolt said -- amen and AMEN!
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C-
It is a never ending battle with an addict. I tried for 34 years with my addict for him to see the light. Never happened. I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and I am doing great, him not so much. But he is no longer my responsibility and I let God watch over him. I still love him, but from a distance. I was not going to have him kill himself on my watch.
I understand that you want to stay because the kids are little. Go and read the forum for adult kids of alcoholics. Ask them if it was best for parents to stay together in an alcoholic home or if it would have been better outside of it. I could bet you 95% would say outside.
Hugs my friend, educate yourself on addiction. Once you are informed, you can make the best decision for you and your kids.
It is a never ending battle with an addict. I tried for 34 years with my addict for him to see the light. Never happened. I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and I am doing great, him not so much. But he is no longer my responsibility and I let God watch over him. I still love him, but from a distance. I was not going to have him kill himself on my watch.
I understand that you want to stay because the kids are little. Go and read the forum for adult kids of alcoholics. Ask them if it was best for parents to stay together in an alcoholic home or if it would have been better outside of it. I could bet you 95% would say outside.
Hugs my friend, educate yourself on addiction. Once you are informed, you can make the best decision for you and your kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I am an ACOA and wish to God my mom would have gotten her crap together, stood up for me and my sister, and left. I love my dad but when he's drunk (pretty much every day after 11am) man is he awful. I too wabted to keep my marriage together but hell no were my kids growing up in that scary insane environment my ex created. You know my most vivid memory as a child is praying and crying each night at my window while listening to my dad curse my mom out and throw things while my mom cried?!? Is that what you ways your kids to know? (Not saying that meanly at all but it's reality)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Well......IME......
The reason most stay is that by the time the situation gets to where yours is the sober spouse is as sick, if not more, as the addict deeply quagmired into the cycle of codependency and enabling. Unless you work a recovery program its less likely that you will EVER leave. If she does finally commit to recovery, and you don't do something about your issues, its unlikely your marriage will EVER heal in the way it should. Its a hard pill to swallow that you, the sober person, is contributing to the situation.
I saw on your previous thread, which was a year ago, that you did attend Al Anon. Did you continue with it, and did you work the step program? If not, I would advise you do. A great book for you would be Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Marriage is a two, not one - there is no way for one side to be so sick without the other being affected or contributing. Dealing with your issues doesn't mean that you are going to end your marriage, you may decide not to. Its a win win, if you need to walk away healing is how you do it the right way - or if you stay, its how you come back together and work towards a healthy relationship instead of one that teeters on addiction and codependency being the tie that binds.
You mentioned in your other thread that you have stayed because of your children. Its a common and understandable reason; however, its really not good for your children to live in a home with an active alcoholic. You could be the greatest father on earth, and she could be a calm and passive alcoholic, and it will still affect them in ways that you might not see until much later.
Staying on the forum would help you as well. Lots of folks been there and done that, you are in good company.
The reason most stay is that by the time the situation gets to where yours is the sober spouse is as sick, if not more, as the addict deeply quagmired into the cycle of codependency and enabling. Unless you work a recovery program its less likely that you will EVER leave. If she does finally commit to recovery, and you don't do something about your issues, its unlikely your marriage will EVER heal in the way it should. Its a hard pill to swallow that you, the sober person, is contributing to the situation.
I saw on your previous thread, which was a year ago, that you did attend Al Anon. Did you continue with it, and did you work the step program? If not, I would advise you do. A great book for you would be Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Marriage is a two, not one - there is no way for one side to be so sick without the other being affected or contributing. Dealing with your issues doesn't mean that you are going to end your marriage, you may decide not to. Its a win win, if you need to walk away healing is how you do it the right way - or if you stay, its how you come back together and work towards a healthy relationship instead of one that teeters on addiction and codependency being the tie that binds.
You mentioned in your other thread that you have stayed because of your children. Its a common and understandable reason; however, its really not good for your children to live in a home with an active alcoholic. You could be the greatest father on earth, and she could be a calm and passive alcoholic, and it will still affect them in ways that you might not see until much later.
Staying on the forum would help you as well. Lots of folks been there and done that, you are in good company.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Well......IME......
The reason most stay is that by the time the situation gets to where yours is the sober spouse is as sick, if not more, as the addict deeply quagmired into the cycle of codependency and enabling. Unless you work a recovery program its less likely that you will EVER leave. If she does finally commit to recovery, and you don't do something about your issues, its unlikely your marriage will EVER heal in the way it should. Its a hard pill to swallow that you, the sober person, is contributing to the situation.
I saw on your previous thread, which was a year ago, that you did attend Al Anon. Did you continue with it, and did you work the step program? If not, I would advise you do. A great book for you would be Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Marriage is a two, not one - there is no way for one side to be so sick without the other being affected or contributing. Dealing with your issues doesn't mean that you are going to end your marriage, you may decide not to. Its a win win, if you need to walk away healing is how you do it the right way - or if you stay, its how you come back together and work towards a healthy relationship instead of one that teeters on addiction and codependency being the tie that binds.
You mentioned in your other thread that you have stayed because of your children. Its a common and understandable reason; however, its really not good for your children to live in a home with an active alcoholic. You could be the greatest father on earth, and she could be a calm and passive alcoholic, and it will still affect them in ways that you might not see until much later.
Staying on the forum would help you as well. Lots of folks been there and done that, you are in good company.
The reason most stay is that by the time the situation gets to where yours is the sober spouse is as sick, if not more, as the addict deeply quagmired into the cycle of codependency and enabling. Unless you work a recovery program its less likely that you will EVER leave. If she does finally commit to recovery, and you don't do something about your issues, its unlikely your marriage will EVER heal in the way it should. Its a hard pill to swallow that you, the sober person, is contributing to the situation.
I saw on your previous thread, which was a year ago, that you did attend Al Anon. Did you continue with it, and did you work the step program? If not, I would advise you do. A great book for you would be Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.
Marriage is a two, not one - there is no way for one side to be so sick without the other being affected or contributing. Dealing with your issues doesn't mean that you are going to end your marriage, you may decide not to. Its a win win, if you need to walk away healing is how you do it the right way - or if you stay, its how you come back together and work towards a healthy relationship instead of one that teeters on addiction and codependency being the tie that binds.
You mentioned in your other thread that you have stayed because of your children. Its a common and understandable reason; however, its really not good for your children to live in a home with an active alcoholic. You could be the greatest father on earth, and she could be a calm and passive alcoholic, and it will still affect them in ways that you might not see until much later.
Staying on the forum would help you as well. Lots of folks been there and done that, you are in good company.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Of course take what you want and leave the rest but don't expect a reply to that question like you are looking for. Perhaps she will be the exception but traditionally an answer to that question looks like "for better for worse, I am doing the best I can, I am in rehab what more do you want, you arent perfect, you've done XY and Z, this is a disease I can't help it I'm doing everything I can, you are exaggerating I have never been in jail and I still work, I am depressed..I have hurt myself more than you, and finally...I don't need any added stress do you know how miserable I am".
She will still be in a FOG. Lower your expectations and you should do fine. Of course, you don't HAVE to do anything including phone call tomorrow if you are t ready.
She will still be in a FOG. Lower your expectations and you should do fine. Of course, you don't HAVE to do anything including phone call tomorrow if you are t ready.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Well, for as long as she's been under the influence of alcohol or the medication to get drunk or high to not deal with reality and blaming me for being "too aggressive" in parenting or me having no emotions (which after being on SR and reading others posts, I can directly relate my attitude change to when I first found out she was am alcoholic and the continued use through two relapses after her first rehab) or her parents or sister or work or this or that......it seems I may just tell her definitively that she is getting treatment for her and the kids, because I won't be in the picture, at least for a while. I just know how miserable I was everytime I would come home from work and she would still be in bed, or the kids asking if mom was still "sick". It also scares me that she got to the point of wanting to end her life, unless that was just a ploy. It's just sad that a 13 year marriag ended up like this.......makes me sick. But hind sight is always 20/20, and I'm tired of being manipulated and controlled, even though at the time I didn't think I was, I now know I was. It also gets me because she wasn't verbally or physically abusive to the kids or violent in any way, just the act in itself to continue and ultimately not care, but now expect me to now that she's in rehab. Thanks again everyone for the great advice.
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