Liveitwell

Y'all know my story, the abuse, alcoholism, abuse towards my kids, etc. My body is just failing me lately and I truly feel there is a lot still there that I've held in for fear of not being validated and for not knowing how to handle. I've been praying that God reveal what I need to look at and reall heal.
I stayed at home today bc I am yucky sick. Literal exhaustion and sick. I haven't gotten off the couch all day and woke to anotger lucid dream crying my eyes out. I was 7 months pregnant when my husband fell off the edge-his alcoholic father died. Y'all know some things and how bad it got. One night soon after his death, as usual he was getting plastered by himself outside while talking to his sister on the phone, he came into bed in the middle of the night and I awoke to him on top of me having sex with me while I was sleeping. I freaked and told him to stop, but he didnt. I finally had to kick and push him off of me and he screamed at me that all we were ever good at was f**king and that I f**kimg sucked-snd then proceeded to push me off the bed. I landed on the floor, hugely pregnant, and just started crying. He passed out, he invited friend over the next night and I could barely even look at them-I did not want to be around anyone and every piece of me wabted to scream, "do you know that he basically raped me last night and then shoved me off the bed? His pregnant wife?!?"...but I didn't, and I got sneered at bc my ex was brilliant at telling people I was just depressed, angry and crazy so people always kept their distance. (Found out later those friends had told him they couldn't believe how mean I was to him-that how could I not treat him nicely). Uh huh. I brought it up to my husnand later that night and he told me that maybe I should have sex with him more (I guess that excuses his actions-blaming me). Couple that with the horridly abusive phone call I had with his mother shortly thereafter where she told me I was a bad wife, among many other things. I wanted to scream and tell her everything he had done-but I knew she wouldn't care-I would be blamed more by her, and I've seen only more of her abuse and enabling and denial since the divorce with abuse towards my own chikdren. She always turned a blind eye to the reality in front of her-always defending her poor baby boy.

I sincerely need some help with this. Truly. I can't get through it. It keeps coming up. My body is suffering bc of this trauma and I don't know how to heal it. My abuser will never admit to anything he's done bc that would ruin his facade and reputation-not that I need his validation. I've discussed with my therapist and she has given me a referral to a sexual abuse therapist but I wanted to ask y'all for some additional advice. I need some help. Psychopath is not an understatement.

If anyone has some advice or who I can talk to, I would very much appreciate it. Much love, y'all.

FireSprite

I don't have any experience with something this intense For, but I want to send you ((((((ENORMOUS HUGS )))))))). NO ONE should ever have to endure that kind of treatment and shame on him for putting such a dark memory on your pregnancy.

Fwiw, I think the fact that this is bubbling up AT ALL is good, and maybe even a Big Deal..... a sign that you are ready to let go of it & deal with it head on. You've made such big strides lately, so I'm not surprised!

LexieCat

Oh, For, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's very, very common with rape victims, and it's part of the reason the statute of limitations for rape has been extended so long in so many states. For many people it can take years for it to all even sink in.

I've got a couple of suggestions. The first is calling your local rape crisis unit or, alternatively, your state coalition against rape. You don't need to report the crime to use their services. They can get you hooked up immediately with a counselor, and many have ongoing counseling or group therapy sessions, depending on what you feel would be helpful.

You should NOT push this aside, excuse it, rationalize it. Whether you eventually forgive him for it is beside the point, at this moment. Don't worry about that for now. What you need is to have someone listen to your experience, validate it, and help you to begin to work through it.

Seriously--this is something you really must address with someone trained to help you address it.

Hugs, many hugs,

LexieCat

I'm also going to recommend a book for you, "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. I haven't read it personally yet (though it's on my Kindle)--my colleagues that I work with RAVED about it. It is all about how trauma affects every part of you--and probably explains what you're feeling right now.

Liveitwell

Thank you. I've kept this in for years. I was afraid. And I believed him when he would drubkenly tell me that he was the only person that liked me or stood up for me-meanwhile he was categorically tearing me down any chance he could to others. Something snapped in him after his dad died (not excusing what he did at all). He held my arms back and told me I was his f'ing wife. It's clear as if it happened five minutes ago. From that moment forward I never wanted to sleep with him in the same bed again. I didn't want him to touch me, and I didn't want to be around anyone. I don't know how to even begin to heal from this. It's taken years to be able to say it, say it. And not question whether I should say it for fear he will get mad. I don't know where to begin.

Liveitwell

How do I deal with this head on?

LexieCat

Is there a reason you don't want to meet with a counselor?

Liveitwell

I do-i wasn't ready to talk. Living in the insanity during the last couple of years in my marriage and then his abuse since the divorce, it's been literally a day to day trying to survive. I'm calling the hotline tonight after my kids go to bed. I want to talk. I'm so done living in fear.

LexieCat

Attagirl. Exactly right--that's how you start to heal--you reach out to people with the resources to get you on the path to recovery. I completely understand why it took some time to be ready to do that, but now that you're ready to acknowledge it, I hope you won't settle for anything less than the best for yourself.

DesertEyes

You just did By sharing with other people here on SR who have experienced much the same, by writing the words that state that it really happened, you have taken that crime out of hiding and put it up where kind, supportive people can see the truth.

I second the other suggestions about counselors and books and help lines. There is a lot of help out there and you can pick and choose what works best for you.

Mike

Liveitwell

Thank you.

Liveitwell

FireSprite-my entire second pregnancy is dark memories-from his disgusting abuse (I've shared some of those things here) I have very few memories of being happy while pregnant. He stole those, among many other things.

theuncertainty

Oh, Fourourgirls, sending gentle hugs, if OK. I've been working to heal from being raped by my AXH, too.

Can I say, first: You write that you wanted to yell that he 'basically raped' you. There is is no qualification, no 'basically'. He did. You weren't in a position to able to give consent and that is rape. You have every right to feel upset, hurt, betrayed about this. You have every right to call it that. Flashbacks and nightmares, while not 'normal', are understandable. I'm so sorry that you went through that and are going through it again through dreams.

I saw a therapist for a while trying to work through the abuse (emotional and sexual), and having someone safe to talk to helped so much.

A few other things that have helped are: the book "Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners" by Patricia Easteal and Louise McOrmand-Plummer and Louise's website: Aphrodite Wounded: Survivor Support & Educational Resources for Marital and Partner Rape. Another great resource is Pandora's Aquarium Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room, which is a forum for survivors. When I first joined, it really helped to have my therapist to help me work through stuff it brought up.

LexieCat

I second all those resources suggested by tu. They are all great.

So many people assume that being sexually assaulted by an intimate partner is less traumatic than being grabbed in a dark alley and raped by a stranger. Not true. With a stranger rape there is fear and pain and injury, but not the betrayal by someone who is supposed to love you.

Liveitwell

I will check those out. TU-I'm so sorry....I'm do incredibly sorry you went through that. Today is the first day I've ever uttered those words, bc I was terrified to say them. He probably doesbt even remember as drunk as he was. It was like he was in a trance. I've got a lot to work through-and thank you for your support and advice-I'll use it. Going to the crisis center on Monday to see a counselor. I've already spoken with them tonight. So, as scared as I am, first step. Thank you, TU, for sharing your pain and strength, too.

And Lexie, absolutely. I didn't fear soneone attacking me while I walked down the street-I feared the person at home that called himself my husband. Betrayal doesn't even begin to describe it.

LexieCat

And I want to mention one other thing. If you decide, after talking with a counselor, that you want to make an official report, you can still do that. I'm not pushing you one way or the other--that's a very personal decision, and one that only you can make. Your own safety and well-being is your number one concern. I just wanted to be sure you know that the option still exists. Whether you choose to do that is entirely up to you and no one will think less of you if you decide not to.

theuncertainty

Oh, darling. Even IF he was drunk, it doesn't lessen what he did; it doesn't excuse it. I struggled for so long with that 'excuse,' because that excuse made it feel like I didn't have the right to be hurt. I hope hearing it from some one else, will help lessen any feelings of "it shouldn't bother me" that you might have. I'm so glad you've taken that first step. I'm about to step away from my computer to go get my DS, but I'll try to get back on later tonight after he's settled in case you want to talk.

FireSprite

You definitely are dealing with it! Reaching out here, looking for & following up on resources, etc. My mom was lucky enough to find a local, free group of SA survivors to meet with weekly & spent almost 2 yrs with them, purging and learning. She found that she needed to talk it through with others that could truly understand her experience. Honor whatever feelings pop up, they're real, they're honest. It's REAL trauma that you have survived girlfriend, no small deal at all.

Liveitwell

Everything he did was not a big deal-even this-I was told it was my fault for not being a good wife. Every abuse was my fault. And I believed him. I did. And I was terrified to talk about any of it. God he's an evil person. Literally evil-pure definition of evil. TU-that exactly whst I was told!! Those words, about all abuse-it shouldn't bother me and I was just over sensitive and it was my problem. I just realized I'm still, literally, coming out of the fog. Holy crap what did he do.

Liveitwell

God-he tore me down to nothing in the comfort of my own home. In front of others he would either say how I was the best thing and kept him in line or would smear me more so people would focus on those things and not listen to me. For years I wabted to scream "help me!!! Someone believe me!! He's abusing me-I'm not crazy !!!!!". And the night I finally had the courage to call the police on him, after he threw and smashed my cell phone when I told him I was calling the police-and held a pillow at my face threatening me and cursing ne, I STILL was too afraid to press charges. The cops asked me twice-they knew what was up. But I was terrified of what he would do if I pressed charges because he's an arrogant abuser. I'm so ******* sick of being afraid to tell the truth!!! I can't do it anymore!!! My entire life I've made decisions based on fear-fear of telling the truth and using my voice. Fear of makkng waves-I'm a good ACOA, ya think?! I can't do it anymore. Just cant.