DesertEyes

You were absolutely right not to press charges. Nobody in the world _knows_ the situation you were in as good as you did. It is your _safety_ that comes first, last, and everywhere in between. Pressing charges is something that comes _way_ later, _after_ you are safe.

You knew this man much better than the cops, and if your gut was telling you that your safety depended on not pressing charges, then you were right.

Sounds to me like you are _not_ doing it anymore.

That is an entirely different concept. You are not talking about "making waves", or "using your voice". Your talking about protecting your _life_.

The classic example is a bank robbery. Bunch of guys come in and point guns at everybody. What do you want the people to do? "Use their voice" and stand up to the robbers? No way. The people duck for cover and hide wherever they can. That is exactly what you did, you ducked for cover and because you did that you are alive today to tell us what happened.

You did exactly the right thing by not pressing charges back then.

Mike

Bluehawaii

Awe this makes me so sad.It saddens me that someone you trust could be so cruel. You were carrying his child! You are the Mother of his children.
I feel for you.
You need to face this no matter how scared you are.
You have to heal and that is the only way.
God will help you.
Trust him to help you find the right person to help you with this. PRAY for that.
Don't self medicate do the hard therapy.
I'm thinking of you.
HUGS

Liveitwell

^ I don't self medicate any longer. Sober almost four years. Thanks-doing the hard work-only way to heal is to tell the truth and try to cope and grow and heal. Work on it. My ex is a monster-he abused me and his own children-doesn't care that I'm the mother of his kids. All of us are just property to him, which is why he abuses. We are not to feel anything or God forbid tell the truth. He's defective.
Thanks, friend.

Thanks, mike. I do understand what you're saying. God has led me this far and kept me and my kids safe, and I know he will continue to guide me, I know that, if nothing else thank you for your words.

theuncertainty

I hope you're able to get some rest tonight, Forourgirls.

AXH told me the same things: the way he treated me was my fault. It didn't start out that way; it started out so much more subtle, but eventually... If I was more loving, if I cared for him more, if I acted like a real wife, he wouldn't have had to do that. He'd go from telling me or his friends that I was the best thing that ever happened to him to telling me I was lucky he tolerated me. No one else would. And then he'd switch gears again and I'd be left wondering WTH was going on.

I didn't realize just how wrong our relationship was until the counselor (who I'd started seeing to learn how to communicate better with AXH and try to save our marriage after I'd left him) told me to contact the local DV and rape crisis lines. The first time she told me that I thought she was trying to show me that I had nothing to complain about - because that's what AXH always told me.

And through it all, the separation, the divorce, the custody issues, he still insisted our marriage failed because of me. He's not likely to change. And I couldn't have left earlier than I did. And you're facing it now, because you're safe enough to do so. Take gentle care of yourself.

Liveitwell

^ every word you wrote is the spitting image of my ex. Every word. Thank you very much for sharing your story-I did sleep last night-worn out.

Liveitwell

I woke up crying thinking about how even this event , one among hundreds of other abusuve things he did, I was told to "get over it, you make everything a big deal, you bitch about everything". Y'all-the farther out I get the more open my eyes have become about how his treatment of us was. And when I did start speaking out he got worse. The one friend I've told about this stated that he's a very sick person, not only does he have to deal with the abuse he witnessed (and the secrets he's mentioned many times) and was party to as a child but he also must come to terms with the abuse he has done to you and your kids. I know only God can bring about that kind of change-and God will deal with him much better than I ever could. I fully put him in His hands. I am strong, I did not cause him to treat me the way he did, I will tell the truth, I am not afraid of this, I will heal. Thank you for your words. Very much.

honeypig

FoG, I also used Pandora's Aquarium for a while when dealing w/my own SA issues from childhood and found it very helpful, much like SR w/thoughtful, caring members sharing their ES&H. And I also recommend the book that Lexie mentioned, "The Body Keeps the Score." I checked it out of my library but did not finish it before it was due back; it was heavy going but good stuff. I will come back to it later.

As FireSprite mentioned, the fact that these things are coming up now would seem to me to be a sign that you've reached the stage in your recovery that it's time to deal with them. If you can get some professional help, so much the better. It took me 30 years, give or take, to realize what had been done to me and that it was wrong and that it was not my fault in any way. I had no money and no insurance, but I did utilize the free help available at a local women's center. I often think that that was the very beginning of recovery for me, even before I had an inkling of what was going on w/XAH.

I just want to send you big, big ((((hugs)))). You've made it this far and you're going to make it the rest of the way.

Liveitwell

What's sad is that I spent so much time telling my ex that whatever happened to him as a child was not his fault. Whatever the secrets are, whatever keeps him sick, whatever it was, it wasn't his fault. But then I allowed him to blame me for his abuse. Most likely bc he blames himself for God knows what happened to him. How on earth could I have compassion for a person that has abused and committed so many betrayals and abused all of us-why the f do I even care what happened to him?! He sure as hell has not once care or ounce of responsibility in what he's done to me or his daughters. I know I'll get through it-I'm healing. I feel strong enough to face it now. All of it. I wasn't before now. I always sought out his validation, and all I got was more abuse and denial. I'm ready. Thank yoi, hp.

honeypig

You BET you are, Forourgirls!!

DesertEyes

Oh yeah, that's one thing that has been really clear about you from the very fist post you made on SR. We've got over 150 thousand members and you stand out for your courage and your strength.

Mike

LexieCat

We deal with things when we're ready to, and not one minute sooner. That goes for abuse, living with someone else's alcoholism, or recovering from our own alcoholism.

Don't ever blame yourself for not being "ready" sooner. It's a complicated process. Some people NEVER are ready, and that's very sad. You're fortunate to be someone with the equipment to ready yourself to deal with it. You've also got a great relationship with your Higher Power, who will see you through this. And all of us behind you, supporting you as best we can.

Kboys

Just (((hugs))) friend!!!
You are an amazingly strong woman.
Keep moving forward.. You'll get through this!

Praying

Hi For...

I just saw this thread and I want to tell you that I totally understand where you're at. It's part of emerging from the fog. For about a year after my divorce, my dreams were CRAZY. My brain was reliving and reprocessing everything from its new safe place. Sometimes I felt like I was getting worse instead of better.

That phone call you just made was the first step in a great move forward for me. And it DID get worse as I waded through the shame, fear, anger, and all the feelings associated with events that kept popping into memory...some that I hadn't really even "remembered" until then.

I will tell you that my darkest days came AFTER this point. At times I got lost in the muddle in my head. I share this because if you find yourself there wondering why you feel worse...it WILL get better! And those steps of really dealing with it and talking through it in a safe space WILL move you forward.

There's not much worse than the trauma of sexual exploitation by a trusted partner...it's one of the deepest violations possible.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...
And I'm so grateful you're poised to heal...

Keep moving forward and I promise it will be worth it.

Hugs to you!!!
And loving prayers coming your way, friend.

Liveitwell

Praying-YES. YES. It is as if my brain is lately reprocessing things from a safe distance-and God do I see them clearly without the fog and insanity if trying to survive in that mess. It sure does feel this is the first time in years my mind has been able to finally relax and process. I do definitely understand that it may get worse. From my past experience, working through things honestly is not an easy process, but necessary to heal and move on. Mentally and emotionally I am ready. Thank you all so very much for your words and support...you don't know how much it means truly blessed to have found each of you. (((((Hugs))))) to y'all.

Liveitwell

Lexie-I just ordered "the body keeps the score". Read the reviews and am very interested to read this. Thank you

LivingLife4Me

I have been divorced since October 8th. I went through so much abuse that I had attempted to process while I was still married. I suffer terribly with PTSD. I have nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks, and flashbacks on a daily basis. I was sexually assaulted by the X repeatedly throughout the last five years of the marriage. The absolute worst was when I had the stomach bug coming from top and bottom, was up all night with that, and then the next day my cycle started. X insisted. I said NO. I was still very ill and not interested. He held me down on the bed and sodomized me. I screamed, cried, flailed at him and hit him, and kicked at him, and bit his arm and he finally let me go. It was, hands down, one of the the worst things he had ever done to me. The worst was being thrown into the wall by my neck and being choked. Both days I wished I would have died. I don't think I will ever fully recover from it.

Sue

Liveitwell

Sue-I'm so sorry. Truly. Nobody deserves that! You didn't cause that!!! I agree with you-you may never truly recover as if it never happened but you will heal. Yes, it is the most heinous thing to be taken advantage of by the one person you trust with everything. I told my ex quite a few times that it's not a good sign when your wife is scared to sleep in the same bed with you-naturally, I was the crazy person for not wanting to sleep next to him, you know, bc I should just get over it bc nothing he had done to me compared with what he went through. F'ing pathetic excuse of an abusive narc. Sue-you will heal, friend. Let's do it together

LexieCat

Sue, please call your local domestic violence/sexual violence coalition and talk to someone about what happened to you. I'm so sorry it happened. I hope you can get some help and relief from your PTSD.

amy55

Fog, don't know what I want to say to you, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

I am really sorry for what happened to you, but I know you don't want to hear that.

In a way, I think you might be looking for validation, but I think that is only a small part of it.

I think it has a lot to do with the self esteem part of it, not even feeling like you or the baby meant anything to him.

It's a feeling like this is so unbelievable, but then it fades back into things that we had already accepted.

I remember many things also, but this is your thread.

Just know that was really rape. When I say that, I want to hold you and cry with you also.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Liveitwell

^ Amy, I know you've been through some pretty heinous abusive things as well. Yes, a lot had to do with my self esteem being in the gutter...my entire pregnancy I was told I was boring bc all I wanted to do was to lay on the couch (gee, sorry bud, I'm carrying your child and not having an easy time-didn't know it was my job to entertain you) and way worse than that, it was awful. And that I should be thankful he was still married to me bc nobody would put up with me. He was the only person that could tolerate me. Needless to say after hearing that enough I had little self esteem left and a part of me truly thought that thank God he was with me bc nobody else would want me. He only showed to a few doctors appts while I was pregnant-skipped the ultrasound. Just didn't care. yes, the way I felt and feel that he did that to me while I was carrying his child, I cannot begin to describe it. You are correct, I don't want you to say sorry, I just want to be heard and hopefully start to heal. I know you understand this thank you for your words, friend. Peace to you