Going to have a chat with the step-mom tonight....
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^ Lady couldn't have said it better-it IS sad when we have to protect our children from the very person/people that are supposed to protect them.
As a funny, the best quote today I heard about Johnny manziels latest downward spiral was this: God, I don't know if this guy has a drinking problem or if he really is that immature!". Yep....God bless the immature cowards in our lives. Friend, I understand your reasoning....I do. I just think it sounds like she's baiting you, that's all. You've done what you can!! From my point if view, his wife is obviously two eggs short of a dozen SO I would not make the assumption that her motives were so simple and pure....that's all I'm saying.
As a funny, the best quote today I heard about Johnny manziels latest downward spiral was this: God, I don't know if this guy has a drinking problem or if he really is that immature!". Yep....God bless the immature cowards in our lives. Friend, I understand your reasoning....I do. I just think it sounds like she's baiting you, that's all. You've done what you can!! From my point if view, his wife is obviously two eggs short of a dozen SO I would not make the assumption that her motives were so simple and pure....that's all I'm saying.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Ok people, let me make you understand. This is a meeting with DD1 who is 16, myself, and the S/M. Not my younger DD.
I did not initiate this meeting, I received a text asking if we would meet with her in the hopes to make things better. I asked DD if she wanted to go, she said yes. That's how it went. My youngest DD will not be there at all.
My mantra in dealing with my X and his wife is, and always has been, EXPECT THE WORST, HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. This is what my children and I have LEARNED by their actions over the years. It's sad, but very true.
I am completely detatched from this man except for having to deal with my children. Coparenting with a drunk is not fun. I HAVE to protect my kids. I have saved them from some bad situations, and I am sure will have to again. I would love to just detatch from all of this and move forward, however, until my youngest DD gets older that just cannot happen. I am chained to his miserable self through my children. Call it what you want, that is how it is.
My point is that I don't really have a script at all. I have little to nothing to say except if things get out of hand, to tell my DD lets go, and leave. I have told my girls I will help them in any way I can. If I back out of this with my DD, she sees that I am leaving her to fend for herself. That's not going to happen, as they, and their counselor have enforced, they need me very much.
Maybe recording seems a bit over the top, but let me assure you, she will be recording, as will I. My attorney has advised me to document in every way possible every dealing I have with them. So I do. That's legal advise from my hired attorney, not an opinion.
I hate the idea of going tonight, but I can see that my daughter needs me, so I will go.
I did not initiate this meeting, I received a text asking if we would meet with her in the hopes to make things better. I asked DD if she wanted to go, she said yes. That's how it went. My youngest DD will not be there at all.
My mantra in dealing with my X and his wife is, and always has been, EXPECT THE WORST, HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. This is what my children and I have LEARNED by their actions over the years. It's sad, but very true.
I am completely detatched from this man except for having to deal with my children. Coparenting with a drunk is not fun. I HAVE to protect my kids. I have saved them from some bad situations, and I am sure will have to again. I would love to just detatch from all of this and move forward, however, until my youngest DD gets older that just cannot happen. I am chained to his miserable self through my children. Call it what you want, that is how it is.
My point is that I don't really have a script at all. I have little to nothing to say except if things get out of hand, to tell my DD lets go, and leave. I have told my girls I will help them in any way I can. If I back out of this with my DD, she sees that I am leaving her to fend for herself. That's not going to happen, as they, and their counselor have enforced, they need me very much.
Maybe recording seems a bit over the top, but let me assure you, she will be recording, as will I. My attorney has advised me to document in every way possible every dealing I have with them. So I do. That's legal advise from my hired attorney, not an opinion.
I hate the idea of going tonight, but I can see that my daughter needs me, so I will go.
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Honestly, I think the S/M's motive is to be able to say to my X and his family that she made an effort. My daughter thinks this too, so it's important to her to be able to say she did as well. They don't tell their family the entire story, only the negative about my daughter. S/M just admitted to me the other day that the family does not know the entire story of some things that just recently happened with her father that were very bad.
There are a lot of weddings, babies coming, etc, coming up on his side of the family. My DD wants to be involved in these things, and she does realize that, fair or not, one consequence of not having a relationship with her father is that she will not be included in many family events on that side. She is hurt and scared by that and wants to be able to say she made an effort also.
We have went over this with a PAID PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR. My point being, this is not just stuff I am getting opinions on, these are issues I am seeking professional help on. All I can do is pray for all of them at this point. I still pray for my X each day, in the hopes my children will have a better father figure.
I am really just looking for support for a tough day. For those who have been around a while, you know what life has been like for my kids and I. It's not been pretty, and this is just another day in the ongoing saga of drama in dealing with their father. I wish he would see, or care, what all of this does to them, but he is a selfish person who very likely has NPD as well, so his #1 concern is him. That's just the reality.
There are a lot of weddings, babies coming, etc, coming up on his side of the family. My DD wants to be involved in these things, and she does realize that, fair or not, one consequence of not having a relationship with her father is that she will not be included in many family events on that side. She is hurt and scared by that and wants to be able to say she made an effort also.
We have went over this with a PAID PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR. My point being, this is not just stuff I am getting opinions on, these are issues I am seeking professional help on. All I can do is pray for all of them at this point. I still pray for my X each day, in the hopes my children will have a better father figure.
I am really just looking for support for a tough day. For those who have been around a while, you know what life has been like for my kids and I. It's not been pretty, and this is just another day in the ongoing saga of drama in dealing with their father. I wish he would see, or care, what all of this does to them, but he is a selfish person who very likely has NPD as well, so his #1 concern is him. That's just the reality.
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Okay people, enough with the advice.
Unless you have personal experience with the specific issues stated by the original poster then kindly go contribute to some other thread where you _do_ have experience.
This forum is to provide experience, strength and hope. Advice can only be given by licensed therapists in a face to face setting.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Unless you have personal experience with the specific issues stated by the original poster then kindly go contribute to some other thread where you _do_ have experience.
This forum is to provide experience, strength and hope. Advice can only be given by licensed therapists in a face to face setting.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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You're going into this with eyes wide open hopeful, I think part of you has been expecting this event for some time with the way things have been going. I can totally see myself doing the same thing in the same situation & I think it's awesome that you are holding DD's hand through this difficult process of expressing herself. I know I've told you before, but helping her find her voice & teaching her how to best use it is SUCH a gift!
(and btw, I just want to clarify that I knew you weren't implying that DD2 was going along for this discussion - I only referenced her as a comparison of how each kid is different & how DD1 is ready for this even if DD2 isn't.)
Many hugs & prayers for you all tonight!
(and btw, I just want to clarify that I knew you weren't implying that DD2 was going along for this discussion - I only referenced her as a comparison of how each kid is different & how DD1 is ready for this even if DD2 isn't.)
Many hugs & prayers for you all tonight!
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Thank you FS! I know you understand, and I appreciate your support so very much. It's been so hard to watch my DD always have things to say but not be able to do so because of her own fears. I am so proud of her. She needs to work on articulating herself in an effective way when she is mad, but the progress is leaps and bounds!
I think part of her issue right now is just what you said. DD2 is not ready right now. She will be seeing her father, and that side of the family, a lot. So it's even more hard for DD1 to be left out of important events. She would like to be able to visit on special occasions only, but I don't think he will let that happen.
I appreciate you so very much, thank you for your support!
I think part of her issue right now is just what you said. DD2 is not ready right now. She will be seeing her father, and that side of the family, a lot. So it's even more hard for DD1 to be left out of important events. She would like to be able to visit on special occasions only, but I don't think he will let that happen.
I appreciate you so very much, thank you for your support!
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I am sorry if you feel that you were being attacked as it seemed you were asking for advice.
Wishing you God Speed tonight, and a good outcome. It seems at times the S/M has tried to make things better, and I am hoping that she is sincere in wanting to clear the air. I am sorry to hear that "his" side of the family would leave your daughter out of family events. Childs Play.
Let us know how it goes, and sending good thoughts and prayer your way.
Wishing you God Speed tonight, and a good outcome. It seems at times the S/M has tried to make things better, and I am hoping that she is sincere in wanting to clear the air. I am sorry to hear that "his" side of the family would leave your daughter out of family events. Childs Play.
Let us know how it goes, and sending good thoughts and prayer your way.
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Well, if your lawyer is telling you it's OK to record, I'm assuming you live in a state where that's permitted (to record as long as at least one party to the conversation consents).
I don't know that I'd have made the same decision you did, but this is an issue where reasonable minds can differ. It's impossible to know what's the best solution without a crystal ball, and those are hard to come by.
FWIW, I don't see any irreparable harm coming from it, so your guess is at least as good as mine. I know we'll all be interested to hear how it goes.
Good luck--to both of you!
I don't know that I'd have made the same decision you did, but this is an issue where reasonable minds can differ. It's impossible to know what's the best solution without a crystal ball, and those are hard to come by.
FWIW, I don't see any irreparable harm coming from it, so your guess is at least as good as mine. I know we'll all be interested to hear how it goes.
Good luck--to both of you!
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I hope things are going okay, Hopeful. For me, the worst part is often the sinking feeling before something unpleasant is going to happen. Try as I may not to awful-ize or future trip, it's pretty impossible not to at least feel some dread. I really hope for you and your daughter that it is more peaceful than either of you had figured it would be!
please share how it went!! (Praying for the best outcome)
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Good Morning,
Sorry, I have been busy at work.
Well, I cannot decide really how it went. I had to do a lot of mediating and a lot of calming down because they both had very valid points. My daughter very calmly apologized for what she was wrong about. I honestly don't think the S/M understood why my DD was so upset with her, and now she does. She also sees crystal clear that she is an enabler to my X, and admitted that. We were there for a couple of hours. There were tense times, some yelling but not much, and times that they both cried.
As I told the S/M, I think progress is slow and hard, but it is still progress. My DD made it very crystal clear that she WILL NOT tolerate her father drinking around her, and that she wants nothing to do with him until he comes forward with a sincere apology. She is aware that may not happen, but that is up to him.
I think it was productive, but time will tell.
Sorry, I have been busy at work.
Well, I cannot decide really how it went. I had to do a lot of mediating and a lot of calming down because they both had very valid points. My daughter very calmly apologized for what she was wrong about. I honestly don't think the S/M understood why my DD was so upset with her, and now she does. She also sees crystal clear that she is an enabler to my X, and admitted that. We were there for a couple of hours. There were tense times, some yelling but not much, and times that they both cried.
As I told the S/M, I think progress is slow and hard, but it is still progress. My DD made it very crystal clear that she WILL NOT tolerate her father drinking around her, and that she wants nothing to do with him until he comes forward with a sincere apology. She is aware that may not happen, but that is up to him.
I think it was productive, but time will tell.
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Sounds promising in terms of both sides hearing the other's perspective, which is really the most one can realistically hope for. At the very least, it sounds as if everyone was safe and nothing was made worse. And, with any luck, it did do some good, in terms of reducing tension.
Good job!
Good job!
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hopeful....I feel so relieved to hear that the meeting went as well as it did!
(I had felt very nervous for y our daughter).......
I have a question to ask---and it may be a redundant question to ask--as you may have covered the details in some other threads (if so, please just ignore me).....
It is well and good that she will not tolerate her father drinking around her....that is a boundary for her---but, how is a 16yr. old able to enforce such a boundary......? What mechanisms does she have in place to do this....?
does she have the option of not seeing him at all.....?
I am just wondering about this aspect of it.....
dandylion
(I had felt very nervous for y our daughter).......
I have a question to ask---and it may be a redundant question to ask--as you may have covered the details in some other threads (if so, please just ignore me).....
It is well and good that she will not tolerate her father drinking around her....that is a boundary for her---but, how is a 16yr. old able to enforce such a boundary......? What mechanisms does she have in place to do this....?
does she have the option of not seeing him at all.....?
I am just wondering about this aspect of it.....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Ok people, let me make you understand. This is a meeting with DD1 who is 16, myself, and the S/M. Not my younger DD.
I did not initiate this meeting, I received a text asking if we would meet with her in the hopes to make things better. I asked DD if she wanted to go, she said yes. That's how it went. My youngest DD will not be there at all.
I did not initiate this meeting, I received a text asking if we would meet with her in the hopes to make things better. I asked DD if she wanted to go, she said yes. That's how it went. My youngest DD will not be there at all.
My mantra in dealing with my X and his wife is, and always has been, EXPECT THE WORST, HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. This is what my children and I have LEARNED by their actions over the years. It's sad, but very true.
I am completely detatched from this man except for having to deal with my children. Coparenting with a drunk is not fun. I HAVE to protect my kids. I have saved them from some bad situations, and I am sure will have to again. I would love to just detatch from all of this and move forward, however, until my youngest DD gets older that just cannot happen. I am chained to his miserable self through my children. Call it what you want, that is how it is.
Maybe recording seems a bit over the top, but let me assure you, she will be recording, as will I. My attorney has advised me to document in every way possible every dealing I have with them. So I do. That's legal advise from my hired attorney, not an opinion.
Just don't get your expectations too high and hope that the step mother will be reasonable, care what your DD has to say or own her stuff...
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Oops, I did not read page 2 and totally missed that you had met already! Sorry!
I think too that your mention of the xAH having NPD is what makes your position so much more challenging than "just" dealing with the Alcoholism...
Reading your posts about it being so important for your DD to state her feelings, regardless as to what is done with them is so critical when dealing with a parent with NPD.
My kids therapist continues to encourage my DD's to tell their dad how they feel, all the while knowing that it will make NO difference to him.
It's about empowering the kids to develop the habit of not being doormats and to validate that their feelings DO matter and ARE important even if the NPD drunk doesn't think so.
Good for you Hopeful for taking DD to what could not have been an easy meeting for you or her...
Even if nothing at all changes for DD with her father, she has at least been allowed to speak her truth and in a NPD/Alcoholic home that clearly is not something that is allowed.
You're a great mom to support your DD's as you do!
I think too that your mention of the xAH having NPD is what makes your position so much more challenging than "just" dealing with the Alcoholism...
Reading your posts about it being so important for your DD to state her feelings, regardless as to what is done with them is so critical when dealing with a parent with NPD.
My kids therapist continues to encourage my DD's to tell their dad how they feel, all the while knowing that it will make NO difference to him.
It's about empowering the kids to develop the habit of not being doormats and to validate that their feelings DO matter and ARE important even if the NPD drunk doesn't think so.
Good for you Hopeful for taking DD to what could not have been an easy meeting for you or her...
Even if nothing at all changes for DD with her father, she has at least been allowed to speak her truth and in a NPD/Alcoholic home that clearly is not something that is allowed.
You're a great mom to support your DD's as you do!
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Sounds "as good as could be expected" in so many ways, that's a WIN, lol. How is DD feeling about it today after having some time to process it?
Good question dandy - If memory serves, DD has a car & phone & Hopeful has helped support the boundary by dropping everything & picking her up from ExA any time it became an issue. I think DD has also been allowed, at her age, to opt out from visiting dad at all? (I could be off base, this is how I remember it?)
Good question dandy - If memory serves, DD has a car & phone & Hopeful has helped support the boundary by dropping everything & picking her up from ExA any time it became an issue. I think DD has also been allowed, at her age, to opt out from visiting dad at all? (I could be off base, this is how I remember it?)
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I Soooooo incredibly happy your daughter used her voice. Your update made me want to jump up and down. I hope new wifey realizes (truly) that she is an enabler-and chooses to act on behalf of the kids next time and not her mentally unstable husband. Kudos to you, friend. Love ya and many hugs....I'm sure that was not easy.
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