hopeful4

So...as most know, there has been lots of trauma and drama for my kids in dealing with both their father, and for my eldest, their "step-mother." I say that loosely, she is not a mothering figure to them in any way, shape, or form. My eldest daughter got into a texting conversation, or more an argument, after Xmas. She was livid b/c their dad drinks, and she sticks up for him or acts like it's not happening.

My daughter does not like her, she was not nice to her. While I don't necessarily condone how she said the things she said, she was pretty harsh, what she said was correct. The step mom asked us to come over and discuss things. I said I would ask my DD, whom I figured would say no way. Well, now that she has found her voice, she is all aboard going. Sure, let's go.

I told her my daughter and I would come, but if it turns harsh or an attack towards myself or my DD, that we would leave and that would be the end. I do plan to record the entire thing.

I am just dreading this. I wish my DD did not want to go. She wants to go, and she wants me to go with her. I am hoping that some conversation can be had to at least make things slightly better, but I am seriously doubting it. I have found with their step mom, she can sound very rational about everything, but in the end, her behaviors don't follow that. I think she is going to try to calmly make my daughter out to be some horrible person. I also think the only reason she is doing this is to tell his family she reached out to my daughter and tried, so it would make her look better to them.

I am just going to go, be pretty quiet unless things get out of hand, and if that does happen, get up and leave. Ugh....God Give Me Strength!

hopeful4

And I must add, she is really not speaking to her father at this point either. He will not be there, and I am sure has no intentions of telling her he is sorry for his behavior anytime soon.

Ariesagain

Just my opinion, but if it's a conversation you feel you need to record, this is not likely to end in a group hug?

I would ask each of them, in as calm and neutral a way as you can, what they're hoping will result from this meeting. If it's to clear the air and move forward, maybe wait until you can find a therapist or some trained third party who can help facilitate, because it doesn't sound like you would be able to be neutral?

I could be wrong, but it mostly sounds like a fight waiting to happen on all sides and then everyone walking away claiming they "tried."

biminiblue

What could possibly go wrong?

Prayers for clarity and cool heads.

A neutral fourth person was my initial thought, as well.

hopeful4

I am going to record b/c I have been dealing with this person for about a year, and have learned. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

I anticipate a fight on both sides, but don't plan to stay for it. As soon as things get out of hand by either of them, which I think will happen quickly, I plan to up my daughter and we will leave.

I don't really have a neutral party to come, and my children absolutely do not want her to be involved w/their counselor. They say if their dad cannot come (he refuses), then they won't mess with her coming to counseling either.

It's a nightmare waiting to happen, no doubt about it. For the record, I know she will be recording it also.

ladyscribbler

Maybe take over a copy of Codependent No More as a belated wedding gift? Sorry, couldn't resist. My ex's new enabler is a nightmare on wheels too. I have also learned to keep all communication confined to text/email or other verifiable format due to all the distortions of reality from that corner.
Hugs to you and your DD. She's lucky to have a mama like you fighting in her corner.

Ariesagain

Maybe then at least have the conversation in a quiet corner of a public place? Coffee shop? Library?

Might still be nasty, but it might be a quieter nasty.

theuncertainty

Sounds like you have pretty good plan in place, Hopeful. Wishing you and the kiddos peace and continued strength.

Can I just say: So happy/inspired that your daughter found her voice.

AnvilheadII

come over to discuss things......

that's pretty open ended. and without any type of agenda or talking point, i would very hesitant to even have this meeting.

now, looking at step-mom's side for a moment......IF your daughter or ANY juvenile was negative and nasty in a series of texts, i can understand that she might wish to have a chat with the other parent. and i'm not sure THIS discussion is the appropriate time or place for your daughter to attend, whether or not she has "found her voice". if i recall, the S/M did not INVITE the child......and thus it is poor form to bring the child without first informing the Inviter.

dandylion

hopeful.....to be very honest, I have a very bad feeling about this....
I would be concerned about taking your daughter into a situation this potentially volatile....
Children should not have to go to the adult battles.....

You are the adult with the developed brain and ability to make experienced decisions....
If you feel that you MUST meet her....why not go alone and feel out the situation.....

Remember. that you don't have to go to every fight that you are invited to....

If you happen to be dealing with narcissists....go to youtube and listen to what Doctor Sam advises in dealing with them.....a real eye opener....

dandylion

redatlanta

I'm with Anvil and Dandy, Your daughter does not need to be present. This is way more than a child should ever have to deal with. The adults solve it... If you all can't then you go from there. It's great your daughter has found her voice, but in the middle of this sh!t storm isnt where I'd put it.

hopeful4

Folks, my daughter was the one invited. I am invited as well as her mother. Just to be clear. And my daughter is 16 years old. If she wants to go, she is going to go.

My daughter wants to do this. I have been encouraging her to use her voice, but in a calm and assertive manner. Believe me, we have went over this, as well as her counselor has went over all of this with her.

They both have things to apologize for, and things to clear up. It's up to them if they do so or not.

I wish I were strong enough of a person to say that I have no anxiety in dealing with my X or his wife, but I am not there. Working on it though.....

Ariesagain

Because I'm new here, I went back and looked at your topics over the years, because I didn't want to say much without context.

I didn't see where you are getting some time with a counselor? Maybe I missed it, though...Just my opinion, but you are all stirring the drama pot and I'm betting on some level your ex is loving this...he's got all the women in his life fighting with each other with him in the center of it all. That's narcissist nirvana.

Maybe a therapist could help you truly detach from him, and just as important, help you teach your daughters to detach as well? This situation seems so much like my husband's ex and their three kids...all they do is pick fights with each other via social media and make sure the drama level is always in the red zone and these "kids" are now on their 40s. It took my husband fifteen years to learn how not to get sucked in.

You all deserve a happy, healthy life independent of his, as much as it's possible.

I wish you the best.

AnonWife

What do you plan to do if your daughter gets out of control? It almost appears she has found her voice and plans to have you there for backup. Id suggest a conversation like this be done with a therapist if all would agree. Your daughter said no, but maybe she knows a therapist will look at both sides and try to help create a middle ground? Id be careful and check the legality if you plan to record the conversation behind step mothers back. This doesnt feel right to me, and does your DD know your feelings of the SM as in she cant be trusted so we will record her? Id question if this is has much liklihood of helping your DD.

Liveitwell

I do not have a good feeling about this, either. It's a setup for something. I would be hesitant to bring her, friend. This is just putting her more in the crosshairs-and you KNOW her dad will take everything out on her if/when he sees her. Just my two cents. I wouldn't meet with this "woman" at all.

Fabat50

In a perfect world, what would you honestly hope to get out of this meeting?

I ask the question because you have little hope that it will achieve anything, you are going in on the defensive and expecting the worse.

So unless you have some specific positive objective(s) and an idea about how to achieve them why would you go? It sounds potentially a very damaging situation for your daughter.

FireSprite

As an ACoA I disagree with leaving DD out of this discussion - despite the fact that it will get ugly, I KNOW how important it is to her to BE HEARD at this point. Forcing DD2 along as a witness would be different, but DD1 is Ready. She has been making big strides in therapy & unless her therapist objects, I wouldn't see any issue with this.

I would have a discussion with her ahead of time about expectations... about how she can't expect others to agree with her opinion or be willing to make amends on demand, etc. Remind her about that hula hoop, lol, it applies to this area of life as well. Remind her that she has a choice to make about how she represents herself as well & that justified or not, just throwing a bunch of rage around isn't going to help her be heard. Encourage her to organize her thoughts, even making notes ahead of time if she feels like it will help her to keep facts straight, etc. Discuss an exit plan ahead of time.

Step-mom may not be "all there" in the way that she accepts this behavior from your ex, but I have to give her credit for not letting this dissolve into a nasty texting war with DD...... it sounds like she's' trying to do the right thing but doesn't realize you're all just tilting at windmills until he accepts a life of recovery. She's trying to keep the peace but it's a bit of an effort in futility, as we all know too well.

atalose

That's some big expectations for a 16 year old who's found her voice and a walking on eggshells kind of person trying to smooth life over for the alcoholic in her life.

You already have the script written in your head including an ending that doesn't end well.

Why even bother doing a face to face and one where you feel the need to record it all. A simple phone call from your daughter and you should be all that is needed.

hopeful4

Ok people, let me make you understand. This is a meeting with DD1 who is 16, myself, and the S/M. Not my younger DD.

I did not initiate this meeting, I received a text asking if we would meet with her in the hopes to make things better. I asked DD if she wanted to go, she said yes. That's how it went. My youngest DD will not be there at all.

My mantra in dealing with my X and his wife is, and always has been, EXPECT THE WORST, HOPE AND PRAY FOR THE BEST. This is what my children and I have LEARNED by their actions over the years. It's sad, but very true.

I am completely detatched from this man except for having to deal with my children. Coparenting with a drunk is not fun. I HAVE to protect my kids. I have saved them from some bad situations, and I am sure will have to again. I would love to just detatch from all of this and move forward, however, until my youngest DD gets older that just cannot happen. I am chained to his miserable self through my children. Call it what you want, that is how it is.

My point is that I don't really have a script at all. I have little to nothing to say except if things get out of hand, to tell my DD lets go, and leave. I have told my girls I will help them in any way I can. If I back out of this with my DD, she sees that I am leaving her to fend for herself. That's not going to happen, as they, and their counselor have enforced, they need me very much.

Maybe recording seems a bit over the top, but let me assure you, she will be recording, as will I. My attorney has advised me to document in every way possible every dealing I have with them. So I do. That's legal advise from my hired attorney, not an opinion.

I hate the idea of going tonight, but I can see that my daughter needs me, so I will go.

ladyscribbler

Coparenting with a drunk is not fun. I HAVE to protect my kids.

That's the bottom line, whatever the outcome. And it's sad that we have to protect our children FROM the very person who ought to be helping us to protect them. Good luck and Godspeed to you both tonight.