Checking in.... question on reconciling with AH.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amartain......I think that ladyscribbler ^^^^ identifies the likely source of your feelings of guilt, etc.
The years of living with abuse really messes with your mind.....explains the "fog" also. I recall so many others, on this forum, who have described this same thing .
These feelings will fade over time....as you work with the counselors and you take your own power back....step by step......
dandylion
The years of living with abuse really messes with your mind.....explains the "fog" also. I recall so many others, on this forum, who have described this same thing .
These feelings will fade over time....as you work with the counselors and you take your own power back....step by step......
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Break it down--you don't need to decide your entire future this minute.
Safety--for you and your kids--is number one. Get the order in place. That will give you some room to breathe and to CAREFULLY consider what you want to do next. You don't have to file for divorce this minute. First things first.
You can talk to a lawyer about your options--how difficult it would be for you to move away with the kids. The law varies from one place to another. Take your time. The only rush here is safety-related issues. The rest you can take your time about.
Safety--for you and your kids--is number one. Get the order in place. That will give you some room to breathe and to CAREFULLY consider what you want to do next. You don't have to file for divorce this minute. First things first.
You can talk to a lawyer about your options--how difficult it would be for you to move away with the kids. The law varies from one place to another. Take your time. The only rush here is safety-related issues. The rest you can take your time about.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yes-what Lexie, dandy and lady said. All of it. Cycle of a use and FOG-fear, obligation and guilt. Learn it and see it. You do. Have to keep your kids safe-and instead of focusing on his reaction, focus on your kids. I know that's easier said than done-I've been there and it's terrifying at times. You can do this!!!!! For them!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by armartin 
So my thoughts are that either I take the kids and we leave (which honestly, I am leaning towards... new place, new year, new beginnings for us) or else he leaves. No contact.... whats next then? File for divorce?
CPS basically told me today that its MY job to keep my kids safe, and if something happens because I let my guard down, its going to come back on me. Which makes me think if and when he gets visitations with the kids... they will need to be supervised.
CPS basically told me today that its MY job to keep my kids safe, and if something happens because I let my guard down, its going to come back on me. Which makes me think if and when he gets visitations with the kids... they will need to be supervised.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OK, you know you don't want to reconcile or be married to him, so that's what you're working towards. The fact that you're scared to tell him is indicative that you'll need to protect yourself by getting an AVO (what ever you call them in the US). This will take some courage, but you can use the help of DV counsellors and lawyers. Once established, you need to observe it scrupulously.
The ideal situation would be that he moves out, because you're going to be partially responsible for the mortgage payments anyway whether you live there or not, as is he. If possible consult a lawyer about support when he's not living with you. Don't forget he has an obligation to support his children, and you, and your house is joint property.
Excuse me if you've covered this, but is there any way you can remove the gun(s) from his access, or even take the firing pins or some other part of the gun, to disable it? It's worth getting a locksmith to open the cabinet if you need to. Try not to think of his/hers as far as property goes; it should all be joint.
The ideal situation would be that he moves out, because you're going to be partially responsible for the mortgage payments anyway whether you live there or not, as is he. If possible consult a lawyer about support when he's not living with you. Don't forget he has an obligation to support his children, and you, and your house is joint property.
Excuse me if you've covered this, but is there any way you can remove the gun(s) from his access, or even take the firing pins or some other part of the gun, to disable it? It's worth getting a locksmith to open the cabinet if you need to. Try not to think of his/hers as far as property goes; it should all be joint.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If she has a protective order, he's barred by federal law from possessing a gun. She can ask the police (or, if they won't cooperate, the BATF) to take them for safekeeping. The protective order can require him to turn them in--some states have standard protocols for removing guns in these situations; others don't, but it's usually possible to find someone to take them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
I will jump in here and ask you to consider an apartment in a security building with security cameras. Is your hubby the type to get liquored up and say, "I don't care about any god---- protective order, that's MY home and nobody's going to keep me out of it"? Maybe with a gun? Your house can be sold and the equity divvied up and you're off to a new life. Just a thought.
May I ask why would you want to be friends "someday" with someone who threatened to SHOOT YOUR MOTHER? That act takes the possibility of future friendship out of the equation in my book. Your child doesn't need you to be her angry addicted biological sperm donor's friend. She needs you to keep you and her safe and show her what a sane woman does when a crazy a-hole hubby threatens violence. You leave. Would you want her and your innocent and vulnerable grandbaby to stay with a gun-waving , angry, addicted man who has threatened to shoot YOU 20 years from now? Or would you want her to jump in a car and go? You're modeling it for her right now. If you stick around, so will she. Please take care.
May I ask why would you want to be friends "someday" with someone who threatened to SHOOT YOUR MOTHER? That act takes the possibility of future friendship out of the equation in my book. Your child doesn't need you to be her angry addicted biological sperm donor's friend. She needs you to keep you and her safe and show her what a sane woman does when a crazy a-hole hubby threatens violence. You leave. Would you want her and your innocent and vulnerable grandbaby to stay with a gun-waving , angry, addicted man who has threatened to shoot YOU 20 years from now? Or would you want her to jump in a car and go? You're modeling it for her right now. If you stick around, so will she. Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
CPS has already told you - its your job to protect them from the abusive addict. Your kids are way too young and conditioned to an abusive environment to see him for what he is. They 'love" him because its what they are told to do, and they probably don't realize that the dysfunction going on in your house isn't normal. I can promise you this........IF you remain in this relationship and subject them to further instances like those they have become accustomed, yet still fear, there will be a day that as adults they turn to you and ask why you didn't remove them from the situation. They won't be thanking you for allowing them "access" to their father so they could "love" him. My dad travelled for work when I was growing up, we pretty much just saw him on the weekends. I have never lived in the same state as my parents since I was 17 and went to College - I love both my parents even though I only see them a couple weeks a year. Love has nothing, zero, zip to do with geography.
I agree with Branches - the threat to kill your mother is enough. The abuse and the alcoholism are separate issues. The most loving thing you could do for your AH as a human being is to allow him the dignity and accountability to try and better himself as a person. Reconciling at 6 weeks in only tells him he is still manipulating you, he never has accountability, and no matter what he says or does you won't leave him.
I suggest you read through member Hexx's threads. This is an unfortunate example of what happens all too often under the spell of an abuser. I am glad you are on here getting feedback please stay on as you sort through all of this. It will help you to be clear about what you are dealing with rather than fall prey to manipulations and tugging of heart strings.
Hexx's thread ....http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...3-im-back.html
I agree with Branches - the threat to kill your mother is enough. The abuse and the alcoholism are separate issues. The most loving thing you could do for your AH as a human being is to allow him the dignity and accountability to try and better himself as a person. Reconciling at 6 weeks in only tells him he is still manipulating you, he never has accountability, and no matter what he says or does you won't leave him.
I suggest you read through member Hexx's threads. This is an unfortunate example of what happens all too often under the spell of an abuser. I am glad you are on here getting feedback please stay on as you sort through all of this. It will help you to be clear about what you are dealing with rather than fall prey to manipulations and tugging of heart strings.
Hexx's thread ....http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...3-im-back.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
armartin,
I don't comment much but really feel I need to now. Your husband IS NOT ready for recovery. Believe me, you will know it when you see it. He is doing nothing but manipulating you. Been there, done that. If he was truly ready for recovery, he would be focused on that and not you.
Jaeger
I don't comment much but really feel I need to now. Your husband IS NOT ready for recovery. Believe me, you will know it when you see it. He is doing nothing but manipulating you. Been there, done that. If he was truly ready for recovery, he would be focused on that and not you.
Jaeger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Thank you guys SO MUCH for all the support. I keep reading through this thread.... I'm making preparations and a plan. I can do this, I WILL do this!!!
Hexx's thread.... oh my god. That was incredibly scary to read.... and thats my fear, because the triggers haven't changed. They are everyday things... a messy house (with two busy kiddos), job stress, the stress of this decision, him not drinking....
Hexx's thread.... oh my god. That was incredibly scary to read.... and thats my fear, because the triggers haven't changed. They are everyday things... a messy house (with two busy kiddos), job stress, the stress of this decision, him not drinking....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Good for you, armartin! As I mentioned upthread, my father was an alcoholic/rageaholic. I wish that someone had removed me from that as a kid, and I'm always inspired by people who find the courage to protect their children. Have you spoken to a DV advocate yet?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
I haven't had a chance to call the DV line yet, but I WILL today.
My father was and IS a rageaholic and dry drunk. He doesn't drink much... but his anger.... its explosive. I always told myself I will NEVER marry a man like him, and what do you know....
My father was and IS a rageaholic and dry drunk. He doesn't drink much... but his anger.... its explosive. I always told myself I will NEVER marry a man like him, and what do you know....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
You're not alone; I've spent decades of my life dating addicted/emotionally unavailable men, too. It's crazy to me how much that early programming affects us, and how much work it is to find new patterns. Yes, call the DV person today--one thing at a time, and that will be a great step forward!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
and THAT is my biggest motivator for changing my life. I always told myself the cycle ended with me, my kids deserve better. and they DO! And its up to ME to break this cycle. Its up to me to show them that when someone treats you wrong, you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and find peace.
And thanks to all of you... you are helping me be on my way. <3
(((((HUGS!!!!!)))))
And thanks to all of you... you are helping me be on my way. <3
(((((HUGS!!!!!)))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My suggestion is that rather than call the National Hotline, you call your local women's shelter. They will be much more helpful in terms of what you need to do in your jurisdiction. They know how the judges work where you live, etc.
Don't get me wrong--the Hotline is an amazing resource for general info about domestic violence, but for more practical, how-do-I-do-it-what's-likely-to-happen kinds of advice, your local advocates will be more helpful.
Don't get me wrong--the Hotline is an amazing resource for general info about domestic violence, but for more practical, how-do-I-do-it-what's-likely-to-happen kinds of advice, your local advocates will be more helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
I am also learning that just because your heart "feels" something,... in my case guilt and sorrow, it doesn't change the situation and make it right. I should have left a long time ago and I stayed, I kept holding onto these tiny little glimmers of hope, what I now call "false hope", that maybe, God willing, he WOULD change. Like whew... we got through that episode, lets get back on track, hopefully I can motivate him to change, I'll pray for him, I'll read books, I'll go to counseling, I'll let it all slide in hopes that it will get better.
Just to turn around and see my world crash down once again. I think some things you just can't ever get over and repair. And at this point, I don't think I want to. I'm not doing it to punish him, but I am taking the time I need to work through my feelings of anger, hatred, rejection. I'm working to become completely honest with myself--because I feel like I've gotten so used to just pushing my own thoughts and feelings away so as not to "rock the boat".
Just to turn around and see my world crash down once again. I think some things you just can't ever get over and repair. And at this point, I don't think I want to. I'm not doing it to punish him, but I am taking the time I need to work through my feelings of anger, hatred, rejection. I'm working to become completely honest with myself--because I feel like I've gotten so used to just pushing my own thoughts and feelings away so as not to "rock the boat".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
One of my favorite sayings around here is "feelings aren't facts." Just because you feel a certain way doesn't make those feelings hard, cold facts. Now don't get me wrong...feelings are obviously critically important. Feelings are part of YOUR truth. But it is so important to not let feelings get in the way of the stone cold facts, especially when you are in the position you are in, and in the relatively early stages of your own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
I did call a shelter here right after the last incident. I didn't find them particularly helpful.... but she mentioned a weekly group that meets for battered women at another organization. Maybe I will give that organization a call. The CPS worker also suggested I go to that group. I guess for some reason I feel like I'm not a battered woman... he never beat me up, it was usually not physical and maybe that is why I feel that way?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
