Checking in.... question on reconciling with AH.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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amartin.....contact the DV place that the CPS investigator suggested and get an advocate assigned to you. They can help and advise you in many different ways...
That is what they are there for ....to help women who are in your kind of situations.....
See the lawyer....to discuss all of your rights and options....
You have lots of pe op le to lean on and to help you......
Yes...DO watch that video that you took....watch it over and over. Also, read this and your other threads over and over......and, whenever you feel weak or confused.....
I do hope that you will google the Cycle of Abuse and study it......
dandylion
That is what they are there for ....to help women who are in your kind of situations.....
See the lawyer....to discuss all of your rights and options....
You have lots of pe op le to lean on and to help you......
Yes...DO watch that video that you took....watch it over and over. Also, read this and your other threads over and over......and, whenever you feel weak or confused.....
I do hope that you will google the Cycle of Abuse and study it......
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
He was gone, staying with a friend. Then decided he had had enough being gone and came back.
THAT counseling session, the joint one.... the counselor pretty much said, why are you two still together? No one wants to be the bad guy? I suggested a separation. He was completely against it... we went another time after that, same damn thing happened. I just sat there, I think I'm scared of what will happen when I use my voice and say NO I don't want to stay married, I'M DONE !!!!
THAT counseling session, the joint one.... the counselor pretty much said, why are you two still together? No one wants to be the bad guy? I suggested a separation. He was completely against it... we went another time after that, same damn thing happened. I just sat there, I think I'm scared of what will happen when I use my voice and say NO I don't want to stay married, I'M DONE !!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
AR, I think it makes total sense that you would be afraid of his reaction if you insist he moves out. Given his history, you have good reason to fear him. All the more reason to contact a DV advocate and make a SAFE plan to either get him out or get out yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amartin....I hear you...you are scared (and, you have a right to be)....this is why we have been encouraging you to talk to the experts about this.....
They can advise you and guide you through it....legal issues,,,safety planning....the whole thing.....they will have counseling services and support groups for y ou, also.....
This is what they are there for....this is what they care about and are trained to do.....
You will not be alone!!
dandylion
They can advise you and guide you through it....legal issues,,,safety planning....the whole thing.....they will have counseling services and support groups for y ou, also.....
This is what they are there for....this is what they care about and are trained to do.....
You will not be alone!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
armartin...there is such a change in the things you say after posting and reading the responses. You appear to become a bit stronger and determined, and that is what we are here for...to support you. Getting some real life support will only help you more. Please talk to the DV people. They can give you a means to actually put into action what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. We all know you are scared and that is normal, but this situation won't resolve itself. You have to be the one to do it. If you won't do it for your yourself, do it for your daughter. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Listen, the incident with the gun is more than likely enough to get a protective order. That would require HIM to leave, while you and the kids stay in the house, and he would be obligated to provide support so you and the kids can live there.
Yes, talk to the advocate and apply for the order. I know the gun incident was a few weeks ago, but you continue to be at risk for violence as long as you are living in the same house together.
Yes, talk to the advocate and apply for the order. I know the gun incident was a few weeks ago, but you continue to be at risk for violence as long as you are living in the same house together.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
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What did happen to that plan of November 30? Relieved to see you have some good professional supports in place. Hope you follow through. You did say GUN and KIDS didn't you? Plus, what everyone else said.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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I also have video/audio from that incident and I'm thinking that would be enough for a TRO.
And YES. I do feel empowered when I come here.... its so great, its so nice... I just keep reading these responses all day. I feel the same way with my counselor, but then I try to approach the subject with him and I feel like the brainwashing starts in... truth?
And YES. I do feel empowered when I come here.... its so great, its so nice... I just keep reading these responses all day. I feel the same way with my counselor, but then I try to approach the subject with him and I feel like the brainwashing starts in... truth?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Brainwashing from your husband? Not from the counselor, I hope! I would NOT go to any more counseling sessions with your husband. It's well known that counseling with an abuser should NOT be undertaken--you are likely to have anything you say used against you by the abuser, and counselors are subject to being manipulated during the sessions.
OK, so you have a game plan. Call an advocate, explain what's been going on, what evidence you have, and tell the advocate you want help applying for a protective order. They'll probably be able to go to court with you when you apply. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing. This is a matter for your own safety.
Once he is served, report ANY violations of the no-contact. If he sends you flowers, you report it. If he calls and apologizes, you report it. If he calls because he forgot something "important," you report it.
It is very VERY common for abusers to "test" by making seemingly innocent calls or sending innocuous text messages or something, just to see if you really mean it, or what they can get away with . No contact means NO CONTACT. And the order is just a meaningless piece of paper unless you follow through.
OK, so you have a game plan. Call an advocate, explain what's been going on, what evidence you have, and tell the advocate you want help applying for a protective order. They'll probably be able to go to court with you when you apply. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing. This is a matter for your own safety.
Once he is served, report ANY violations of the no-contact. If he sends you flowers, you report it. If he calls and apologizes, you report it. If he calls because he forgot something "important," you report it.
It is very VERY common for abusers to "test" by making seemingly innocent calls or sending innocuous text messages or something, just to see if you really mean it, or what they can get away with . No contact means NO CONTACT. And the order is just a meaningless piece of paper unless you follow through.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Brainwashing from your husband? Not from the counselor, I hope! I would NOT go to any more counseling sessions with your husband. It's well known that counseling with an abuser should NOT be undertaken--you are likely to have anything you say used against you by the abuser, and counselors are subject to being manipulated during the sessions.
OK, so you have a game plan. Call an advocate, explain what's been going on, what evidence you have, and tell the advocate you want help applying for a protective order. They'll probably be able to go to court with you when you apply. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing. This is a matter for your own safety.
Once he is served, report ANY violations of the no-contact. If he sends you flowers, you report it. If he calls and apologizes, you report it. If he calls because he forgot something "important," you report it.
It is very VERY common for abusers to "test" by making seemingly innocent calls or sending innocuous text messages or something, just to see if you really mean it, or what they can get away with . No contact means NO CONTACT. And the order is just a meaningless piece of paper unless you follow through.
OK, so you have a game plan. Call an advocate, explain what's been going on, what evidence you have, and tell the advocate you want help applying for a protective order. They'll probably be able to go to court with you when you apply. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing. This is a matter for your own safety.
Once he is served, report ANY violations of the no-contact. If he sends you flowers, you report it. If he calls and apologizes, you report it. If he calls because he forgot something "important," you report it.
It is very VERY common for abusers to "test" by making seemingly innocent calls or sending innocuous text messages or something, just to see if you really mean it, or what they can get away with . No contact means NO CONTACT. And the order is just a meaningless piece of paper unless you follow through.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I try to approach the subject with him and I feel like the brainwashing starts in.
Probably best not to talk things over with him. He has a big investment in keeping you stuck in fear and confusion. It's easy to see it from the outside, but I remember how confusing it was to be stuck living in the house with all the gaslighting and manipulation. Keep coming back for empowerment.
Probably best not to talk things over with him. He has a big investment in keeping you stuck in fear and confusion. It's easy to see it from the outside, but I remember how confusing it was to be stuck living in the house with all the gaslighting and manipulation. Keep coming back for empowerment.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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So my thoughts are that either I take the kids and we leave (which honestly, I am leaning towards... new place, new year, new beginnings for us) or else he leaves. No contact.... whats next then? File for divorce?
CPS basically told me today that its MY job to keep my kids safe, and if something happens because I let my guard down, its going to come back on me. Which makes me think if and when he gets visitations with the kids... they will need to be supervised.
I still feel like I need to be AH's friend, or just give him encouragement.... why?! I'm glad I can sort out my thoughts here because half the time at home I feel like I'm trying to see through this thick fog and my brain is all jumbled. I need some clarity.
CPS basically told me today that its MY job to keep my kids safe, and if something happens because I let my guard down, its going to come back on me. Which makes me think if and when he gets visitations with the kids... they will need to be supervised.
I still feel like I need to be AH's friend, or just give him encouragement.... why?! I'm glad I can sort out my thoughts here because half the time at home I feel like I'm trying to see through this thick fog and my brain is all jumbled. I need some clarity.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I still feel like I need to be AH's friend, or just give him encouragement.... why?!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I have a feeling that a DV advocate might be better able to help you figure out the process of getting him out or helping you leave. CPS is primarily concerned with the welfare of your kids, but a DV advocate would be better able to help YOU.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by armartin
I still feel like I need to be AH's friend, or just give him encouragement.... why?!
I don't know however I am noticing I feel less and less inclined to be nice. I'm not inclined to be mean either, I'm just less inclined to be anything to / for him.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Do you think the anger is strictly tied to the alcohol? Based on what you shared I think you both neee time. It will be bumpy at.first if he does embrace change and works with his counselor. The wall you have put up will help protect you but it also wont allow you to reach him and rebuild. The catch is the wall will only cpme down if you see change in him, and you work on your own emotions, past hurts.
Dont rush it, give what you can and what makes you feel comfortable.
Dont rush it, give what you can and what makes you feel comfortable.
Originally Posted by armartin
Hawkeye, thank you for weighing in... I don't know anyone who has gone through recovery and I have no idea what to expect or what boundaries to set.
CPS recommended that he complete a chemical dependency eval. He did, then the person doing the eval called me and then recommended he complete alcohol counseling... he was so angry after that because "I lied to them"....
Now he has decided that he doesn't "need" that alcohol counseling and will just work with his counselor.
I personally feel that we both need to separately work on ourselves before we can even take the first step to make amends with each other.
CPS recommended that he complete a chemical dependency eval. He did, then the person doing the eval called me and then recommended he complete alcohol counseling... he was so angry after that because "I lied to them"....
Now he has decided that he doesn't "need" that alcohol counseling and will just work with his counselor.
I personally feel that we both need to separately work on ourselves before we can even take the first step to make amends with each other.
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Originally Posted by AnonWife
Do you think the anger is strictly tied to the alcohol? Based on what you shared I think you both neee time. It will be bumpy at.first if he does embrace change and works with his counselor. The wall you have put up will help protect you but it also wont allow you to reach him and rebuild. The catch is the wall will only cpme down if you see change in him, and you work on your own emotions, past hurts.
Dont rush it, give what you can and what makes you feel comfortable.
Dont rush it, give what you can and what makes you feel comfortable.
I'm really not even sure I'm interested in rebuilding with him. A friendship, yes. A co-parenting relationship for our children, yes. A marriage or any kind of romantic relationship, no. And the more he pushes me, the more loudly the NO is.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I had those same feelings. It's very normal to feel that way. I was desperate not to be the "bad guy." I didn't want the "failure" of our relationship to be my fault. Part of it was the dynamic of abuse continuing, and also the codependent behaviors I learned as a child in a chaotic and sometimes violent household. I felt responsible for his emotions and reactions to things.
The thing is, no solution is going to ever make him truly happy. Nothing is ever going to be enough to appease him. The more you do, the less he is satisfied, because it only feeds his sense of entitlement. Even if you totally lose your mind and try to make things work because he's putting on this little show right now (like I did), the situation in your home will continue to deteriorate. He'll be emboldened to continue his treatment of the family, and as others have pointed out, he WILL remember that your daughter talked to that counselor.
The thing is, no solution is going to ever make him truly happy. Nothing is ever going to be enough to appease him. The more you do, the less he is satisfied, because it only feeds his sense of entitlement. Even if you totally lose your mind and try to make things work because he's putting on this little show right now (like I did), the situation in your home will continue to deteriorate. He'll be emboldened to continue his treatment of the family, and as others have pointed out, he WILL remember that your daughter talked to that counselor.
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