Here I Am Again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
One thing that I do really want you to understand here is about cutting the landline wire. 911 picks up the addresses on those. Some states and counties can pick up a cell phone and where a person is calling from. There aren't that many places equipped to do this. It looks like he did he research when he cut that line and told you that you still had your cell phone.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
(((((hugs))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Me Again
Hi,
I thank you all again for you support and advice. This is what is helping me to cope and follow through on what I know is the right decision for me.
I made up my mind, I will not contact him. Again, I agree with that my ah either won't answer, won't text me back, or I'll be putting myself in a compromising position. I think contacting him will cause me much more pain in the end, than really not hearing from him. You are correct again, that action of not answering back is a form of control, and that's what my ah expects me to do because I always have. If I get the urge to call/ text him, I'll post something.
I know he is wrong, but sometimes old feelings just creep back.
I have to keep reminding myself that I had a good reason for calling the police.
This not coming home is not a new thing for him. My ah has been spending over the last few months at least 2 nights at the business drinking. I would call to be sure he was ok. I have learned from this forum, just let him be, I don't need to know where he is.
Again I am thinking with a logical rational brain, not an alcoholic one, sometimes very hard to remember.
This lawyer is filing, or has filed a protective order. He stated I have plenty of incidences that I will get an emergency one, then we'll go for a more permanent one.
My focus is now to look for a place to live and move as quickly as possible. I go to Alanon on Saturday.
I am trying so hard to stay focused on what needs to happen, instead of my feelings of who my ah used to be. Very difficult!!!!!
Again thank you all so much. Words can't express how much I appreciate the kindness and support and the guidance.
I thank you all again for you support and advice. This is what is helping me to cope and follow through on what I know is the right decision for me.
I made up my mind, I will not contact him. Again, I agree with that my ah either won't answer, won't text me back, or I'll be putting myself in a compromising position. I think contacting him will cause me much more pain in the end, than really not hearing from him. You are correct again, that action of not answering back is a form of control, and that's what my ah expects me to do because I always have. If I get the urge to call/ text him, I'll post something.
I know he is wrong, but sometimes old feelings just creep back.
I have to keep reminding myself that I had a good reason for calling the police.
This not coming home is not a new thing for him. My ah has been spending over the last few months at least 2 nights at the business drinking. I would call to be sure he was ok. I have learned from this forum, just let him be, I don't need to know where he is.
Again I am thinking with a logical rational brain, not an alcoholic one, sometimes very hard to remember.
This lawyer is filing, or has filed a protective order. He stated I have plenty of incidences that I will get an emergency one, then we'll go for a more permanent one.
My focus is now to look for a place to live and move as quickly as possible. I go to Alanon on Saturday.
I am trying so hard to stay focused on what needs to happen, instead of my feelings of who my ah used to be. Very difficult!!!!!
Again thank you all so much. Words can't express how much I appreciate the kindness and support and the guidance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I do think you are dealing with this really well. My ex was /is abusive, but at times he was stupid. He did actually tell me that his disappearing acts were to punish me. He also told me that when we would have a fight, that you can do or say anything you want, because the other person was the enemy, and then you make up in bed. Just giving you a sampling of their reasoning.!!!!!!
I am so glad that you are getting that Protection Order. Just know that there is nothing that you could have ever done because the war was going on in his head long time before he saw you, but when he saw you, that was where he released it. It was never you.
Will always be here for you
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
I am so glad that you are getting that Protection Order. Just know that there is nothing that you could have ever done because the war was going on in his head long time before he saw you, but when he saw you, that was where he released it. It was never you.
Will always be here for you
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, keep in mind that a protective order means NO CONTACT. Hopefully, he will abide by it, but if he doesn't--if he DOES contact you in violation of the order, you need to be prepared to report it. It doesn't matter if he is calling with an apology, or if he calls for what seems to be an innocuous reason. You have to REPORT it.
Many people served with orders "test" them by making "innocent" calls or sending a text or something, just to see if you will follow through, or what they can get away with. It ALWAYS escalates.
Remember, the whole purpose of the order is to stop the contact before it escalates to something like what happened the other night. If you need support about reporting something, call the advocate. They will help you through everything.
So if he doesn't "reach out," don't take offense. His reason doesn't matter, because he isn't ALLOWED to "reach out."
Many people served with orders "test" them by making "innocent" calls or sending a text or something, just to see if you will follow through, or what they can get away with. It ALWAYS escalates.
Remember, the whole purpose of the order is to stop the contact before it escalates to something like what happened the other night. If you need support about reporting something, call the advocate. They will help you through everything.
So if he doesn't "reach out," don't take offense. His reason doesn't matter, because he isn't ALLOWED to "reach out."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
This may be the hardest thing that you ever did in your life, but do not answer that phone, do not answer an email, do not reply to a text. Get off of facebook or whatever else you may be on.
Lexie does know the legal aspects of this, I know how much it tugs at your heart because you want to finally hear that they now understand. They don't. They lie.
I understand how it is to look into their face and think that they finally got it this time. They didn't.
Lexie does know the legal aspects of this, I know how much it tugs at your heart because you want to finally hear that they now understand. They don't. They lie.
I understand how it is to look into their face and think that they finally got it this time. They didn't.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Zircon, it's very obvious to us, looking from the outside-in, that you did the right thing in calling the police after his very sinister behaviour. The fact that he's not in his right mind is even more reason to call. Unfortunately there have been recent tragic incidences in Australia where the wife allowed a little bit of leeway, just to keep the peace, and it had fatal consequences. (if you're in the mood, look up Rosie Batty, our current Australian of the Year). I know you're having trouble believing your once loving husband would harm you, but it seems obvious he's suffering some kind of mental illness now.
This doesn't help when you're feeling lonely and guilty and it's great that you have a loving family and friends that care about you. Your lawyer sounds really switched on, and that's something else to be thankful for.
Not much of a Christmas for you, and I hope you can concentrate on your grandchild (is there more than one?) and get some joy from that.
All the best, thinking of you. xxxxx
This doesn't help when you're feeling lonely and guilty and it's great that you have a loving family and friends that care about you. Your lawyer sounds really switched on, and that's something else to be thankful for.
Not much of a Christmas for you, and I hope you can concentrate on your grandchild (is there more than one?) and get some joy from that.
All the best, thinking of you. xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi there,
Wanted to say one more thing. Sometimes Alanon is not the best place to go in these situations. Sometimes DV counseling is better, then do Alanon when you are safe. Sometimes, don't think that all of that behavior is due to alcohol.
I did think that if my ex would just stop drinking he would be okay, until he started to act the same way drunk or sober. It didn't matter anymore. He got so use to being awful to me when he was drunk, that he continued that when he was sober.
Also know this is your life, and we will be here to support you anyway that we can. Just know you have choices, and we really aren't telling you what to do. We really are just giving you suggestions based on our knowledge and experience.
Hey, anyway, I'm up early today. I already baked my cookies, and got some of my wash going. I think you said that you are married for 12 years, ( hopefully I remembered that correctly ). So is this your 2nd marriage?
I was married twice also, don't see a third in my future. (lol)
How are you doing today? Was also wondering if this was like the first time that you ever talked about things that were going on?
When I started questioning things in my marriage I went to a verbal abuse website. My marriage got so bad that I couldn't even post there. I became totally embarrassed. I think that's part of the "isolation" thing. We become afraid to talk about things. My mind is just going here, so please bear with me.
It's kinda like, but you don't know my husband, he is the sweetest, gentle person, until he gets "mad", then he gets crazy.
His eyes change, his demeanor changes, it's like I'm not looking at the same person anymore. I need to get away, I need to hide, until this fury blows over.
Oh, thank God, I am now in the "eye of the storm", it stopped for awhile. What's worse, the raging, or being in the "eye of the storm" waiting and walking on eggshells for the next explosion?
There's a lot of things that I can think of now, now that I am out, most of the time I was in a "FOG", (fear, obligation, guilt), or I was in the "eye of the storm" waiting for the next explosion, or I was listening to the rage.
I know you keep questioning yourself, I did also. The answer is there is no answer, you can make yourself crazy trying to find the answer to how to deal with or respond to someone like this, but there is no answer. They are angry because they are angry, you just happen to be there.
Again, he cut the lines for the phone, he didn't just disconnect them, he cut them. It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated. Then he came into the house and disconnected the phones. He wanted you to know that you couldn't use that phone. He then mentioned you could always call for help on your cell. Google this as to how many local PD offices can do this.
I never thought my ex would hit me, or kick me, or spit on me, until he did.
amy
Wanted to say one more thing. Sometimes Alanon is not the best place to go in these situations. Sometimes DV counseling is better, then do Alanon when you are safe. Sometimes, don't think that all of that behavior is due to alcohol.
I did think that if my ex would just stop drinking he would be okay, until he started to act the same way drunk or sober. It didn't matter anymore. He got so use to being awful to me when he was drunk, that he continued that when he was sober.
Also know this is your life, and we will be here to support you anyway that we can. Just know you have choices, and we really aren't telling you what to do. We really are just giving you suggestions based on our knowledge and experience.
Hey, anyway, I'm up early today. I already baked my cookies, and got some of my wash going. I think you said that you are married for 12 years, ( hopefully I remembered that correctly ). So is this your 2nd marriage?
I was married twice also, don't see a third in my future. (lol)
How are you doing today? Was also wondering if this was like the first time that you ever talked about things that were going on?
When I started questioning things in my marriage I went to a verbal abuse website. My marriage got so bad that I couldn't even post there. I became totally embarrassed. I think that's part of the "isolation" thing. We become afraid to talk about things. My mind is just going here, so please bear with me.
It's kinda like, but you don't know my husband, he is the sweetest, gentle person, until he gets "mad", then he gets crazy.
His eyes change, his demeanor changes, it's like I'm not looking at the same person anymore. I need to get away, I need to hide, until this fury blows over.
Oh, thank God, I am now in the "eye of the storm", it stopped for awhile. What's worse, the raging, or being in the "eye of the storm" waiting and walking on eggshells for the next explosion?
There's a lot of things that I can think of now, now that I am out, most of the time I was in a "FOG", (fear, obligation, guilt), or I was in the "eye of the storm" waiting for the next explosion, or I was listening to the rage.
I know you keep questioning yourself, I did also. The answer is there is no answer, you can make yourself crazy trying to find the answer to how to deal with or respond to someone like this, but there is no answer. They are angry because they are angry, you just happen to be there.
Again, he cut the lines for the phone, he didn't just disconnect them, he cut them. It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated. Then he came into the house and disconnected the phones. He wanted you to know that you couldn't use that phone. He then mentioned you could always call for help on your cell. Google this as to how many local PD offices can do this.
I never thought my ex would hit me, or kick me, or spit on me, until he did.
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Originally Posted by amy55 
Hi there,
Wanted to say one more thing. Sometimes Alanon is not the best place to go in these situations. Sometimes DV counseling is better, then do Alanon when you are safe. Sometimes, don't think that all of that behavior is due to alcohol.
I did think that if my ex would just stop drinking he would be okay, until he started to act the same way drunk or sober. It didn't matter anymore. He got so use to being awful to me when he was drunk, that he continued that when he was sober.
Also know this is your life, and we will be here to support you anyway that we can. Just know you have choices, and we really aren't telling you what to do. We really are just giving you suggestions based on our knowledge and experience.
Hey, anyway, I'm up early today. I already baked my cookies, and got some of my wash going. I think you said that you are married for 12 years, ( hopefully I remembered that correctly ). So is this your 2nd marriage?
I was married twice also, don't see a third in my future. (lol)
How are you doing today? Was also wondering if this was like the first time that you ever talked about things that were going on?
When I started questioning things in my marriage I went to a verbal abuse website. My marriage got so bad that I couldn't even post there. I became totally embarrassed. I think that's part of the "isolation" thing. We become afraid to talk about things. My mind is just going here, so please bear with me.
It's kinda like, but you don't know my husband, he is the sweetest, gentle person, until he gets "mad", then he gets crazy.
His eyes change, his demeanor changes, it's like I'm not looking at the same person anymore. I need to get away, I need to hide, until this fury blows over.
Oh, thank God, I am now in the "eye of the storm", it stopped for awhile. What's worse, the raging, or being in the "eye of the storm" waiting and walking on eggshells for the next explosion?
There's a lot of things that I can think of now, now that I am out, most of the time I was in a "FOG", (fear, obligation, guilt), or I was in the "eye of the storm" waiting for the next explosion, or I was listening to the rage.
I know you keep questioning yourself, I did also. The answer is there is no answer, you can make yourself crazy trying to find the answer to how to deal with or respond to someone like this, but there is no answer. They are angry because they are angry, you just happen to be there.
Again, he cut the lines for the phone, he didn't just disconnect them, he cut them. It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated. Then he came into the house and disconnected the phones. He wanted you to know that you couldn't use that phone. He then mentioned you could always call for help on your cell. Google this as to how many local PD offices can do this.
I never thought my ex would hit me, or kick me, or spit on me, until he did.
amy
Wanted to say one more thing. Sometimes Alanon is not the best place to go in these situations. Sometimes DV counseling is better, then do Alanon when you are safe. Sometimes, don't think that all of that behavior is due to alcohol.
I did think that if my ex would just stop drinking he would be okay, until he started to act the same way drunk or sober. It didn't matter anymore. He got so use to being awful to me when he was drunk, that he continued that when he was sober.
Also know this is your life, and we will be here to support you anyway that we can. Just know you have choices, and we really aren't telling you what to do. We really are just giving you suggestions based on our knowledge and experience.
Hey, anyway, I'm up early today. I already baked my cookies, and got some of my wash going. I think you said that you are married for 12 years, ( hopefully I remembered that correctly ). So is this your 2nd marriage?
I was married twice also, don't see a third in my future. (lol)
How are you doing today? Was also wondering if this was like the first time that you ever talked about things that were going on?
When I started questioning things in my marriage I went to a verbal abuse website. My marriage got so bad that I couldn't even post there. I became totally embarrassed. I think that's part of the "isolation" thing. We become afraid to talk about things. My mind is just going here, so please bear with me.
It's kinda like, but you don't know my husband, he is the sweetest, gentle person, until he gets "mad", then he gets crazy.
His eyes change, his demeanor changes, it's like I'm not looking at the same person anymore. I need to get away, I need to hide, until this fury blows over.
Oh, thank God, I am now in the "eye of the storm", it stopped for awhile. What's worse, the raging, or being in the "eye of the storm" waiting and walking on eggshells for the next explosion?
There's a lot of things that I can think of now, now that I am out, most of the time I was in a "FOG", (fear, obligation, guilt), or I was in the "eye of the storm" waiting for the next explosion, or I was listening to the rage.
I know you keep questioning yourself, I did also. The answer is there is no answer, you can make yourself crazy trying to find the answer to how to deal with or respond to someone like this, but there is no answer. They are angry because they are angry, you just happen to be there.
Again, he cut the lines for the phone, he didn't just disconnect them, he cut them. It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated. Then he came into the house and disconnected the phones. He wanted you to know that you couldn't use that phone. He then mentioned you could always call for help on your cell. Google this as to how many local PD offices can do this.
I never thought my ex would hit me, or kick me, or spit on me, until he did.
amy
Everything you have said could be a page out of my book. My ah angry has become rage. Being angry is one thing, but rage is unpredictable, and scary. I look at it like I'm angry about what's happing, I'm not typically an angry person. His angry has become rage, my ah is driven and focused on causing hurt and pain, because inside he feels that way. I know no excuse.
This is my 2nd marriage, my first lasted 23 years. I have 3 great kids, and 2 grandkids, my grandson who's 11, and granddaughter who's 15. She left last night with her dad for a trip to Florida.
My daughter is very insightful. When I told her, what my ah said that she was no longer welcome in this home, and, couldn't come Christmas Eve, she replied, I know mom it's not me. He's trying to hurt you, and the only way he can do it is through me.
My ah, was never married, no kids. I am his first marriage. It's kinda odd actually, his sister also never married. When we married, she wasn't happy. Now she is all over him, telling the cousin, I know he's an alcoholic, but I accept him that way, and can fix him. She knows everything, and is also a control freak.
I took care of her mother for 2 1/2 years. She gave us no help. She blamed her mom's dementia on me, her blood sugar, that I wasn't feeding her properly. I am a nurse, actually an advanced practice nurse. I would always give her the courtesy to express her opinion, but she never listened to mine. I would always contact her mom's mad before I did anything. Eventually, the me told me that she couldn't speak to me, because the sister was her DPOH. At this time my ah stood behind me and backed me up. His relationship with his sister up until about a month ago was very estranged.
It seems he has now switched his rage totally to me, and she is his best friend. He is getting all his counsel from her. My ah told me, she would pay for his divorce, that's how much she dislikes me.
I know that I shouldn't contact him and won't. It just hurts so, that my ah hasn't come home, or tried to contact me. It's very telling. I know now with the order I will contact police if he does.
We had such a good life!
His sister will get him back, what she has worked for since I'm was in the picture. She wants the business that we created, she can have that too.
Funny though, that business was a family business, my ah mother and him ran for 30 years. Now, it's essentially the same business, we just created a new name, it will be his sister( taking over the role of the mom) and my ah.
My ah is facing many challenges in the future. The end of his marriage, the success or failure of his business, the death of his mother, and facing his addiction. Not sure my ah is up for this challenge. Not sure a healthy person would be.
I'm going to try and enjoy my day with my daughter and grandson. Already started baking more cookies. Never imagined life would be this hard. I thank you for sharing your story. You're right, it's the first time I've every shared my life with this way. It was hard at first, but I have received such support and good advice. I can feel the feelings in the words written, and know that everyone here has felt this pain.
I can also smell your cookies baking!! LOL!!
I will never seek out another relationship. I need to work on myself. I don't mind being alone. In truth, I've been alone for the past 6 months.
Thank you again! Have a good day. I will be posting later.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It seems he has now switched his rage totally to me, and she is his best friend. He is getting all his counsel from her.
See this for what it is, his alcoholism has progressed. It has become #1. He will seek out and attach to ANYONE whom will help him protect it. That is not you. its not personal. If she gets in the way of his drinking he will boot her to the curb so fast her head will spin. That's whats in store for anyone associated with him.
His sister will get him back, what she has worked for since I'm was in the picture.
Misery loves company!!
You sound really good. Wishing you a happy holiday.
See this for what it is, his alcoholism has progressed. It has become #1. He will seek out and attach to ANYONE whom will help him protect it. That is not you. its not personal. If she gets in the way of his drinking he will boot her to the curb so fast her head will spin. That's whats in store for anyone associated with him.
His sister will get him back, what she has worked for since I'm was in the picture.
Misery loves company!!
You sound really good. Wishing you a happy holiday.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 109
Keep up the great work
I'm so proud of you! I know it is scary and it hurts, but you will grow through that pain and life will be better than ever. Look out for Number One (you!) and keep following the advice you are getting here! Big hug!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Sending you good wishes and support Zircon
The first steps are hardest, but you can do it.
Like you said, you've been alone emotionally for some time now
as he got lost in the bottle.
Keep safe and post whenever you feel down or want some encouragement
The first steps are hardest, but you can do it.
Like you said, you've been alone emotionally for some time now
as he got lost in the bottle.
Keep safe and post whenever you feel down or want some encouragement
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard that is to do the first time that you open up. It won't be this hard anymore. There are so many people here that care about you.
In a way, for me, it was kinda funny the way things worked out. My ex just raged at me for about a week, then he wanted make-up sex, I told him I didn't feel like it, he raged at me some more, then he told me to call Sandy (fictional name) and to ask her if I was normal. This because I started to tell him our marriage was not "normal". I did make that phone call. (Even though I had already been told that no one liked me, they all thought I was crazy, and they only talked to me because he was their friend, and they were all afraid of me).
So, yes, I called Sandy. Spent over an hour on the phone with her. Told her a lot of things, and she told me that none of that was "normal". She started checking in with me every few days. (She eventually bought a retirement house that they wouldn't be moving into for a year, and she gave me the key to that house for whenever I needed to leave.)
So after I called Sandy that day, my ex asked me so what did Sandy say to you, did she tell you that you were wrong. I just nodded "no" and walked away. I would never tell him what she said to me. For me, it was like my wall came down, and I was able to open up and trust people, except for him. I couldn't hide in my denial anymore, I found out all the things he was telling me were lies, it was all an isolation tactic. He really did mess up when he told me to call Sandy that day. In his mind she was supposed to tell me how effed up I was, it back fired on him. Guess where I spend my Christmas Day with now ? I spend it with Sandy, and her family.
So anyway, I was up at 4 in the morning today, took a nap from 10 to 1. (lol) Just need to wrap one more present, and I'm done for the day.
It's so good to hear that you will be seeing your daughter and grandson today. I bet those cookies are delicious. I had to hid the ones I made from me, because I won't have any left to bring to my friends house tomorrow if they are out. (lol)
I look at my house now. (I bought a log cabin.) I look at my xmas tree. (I had to buy an artificial tree, because I have 4 cats, lol) and I look around me. I was finally able to do what I wanted. I have things on all of my walls, actually running out of places to put things, (I was never allowed to hang things on walls), and I think, I finally did find "me", and I have peace.
Wishing you the best Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
In a way, for me, it was kinda funny the way things worked out. My ex just raged at me for about a week, then he wanted make-up sex, I told him I didn't feel like it, he raged at me some more, then he told me to call Sandy (fictional name) and to ask her if I was normal. This because I started to tell him our marriage was not "normal". I did make that phone call. (Even though I had already been told that no one liked me, they all thought I was crazy, and they only talked to me because he was their friend, and they were all afraid of me).
So, yes, I called Sandy. Spent over an hour on the phone with her. Told her a lot of things, and she told me that none of that was "normal". She started checking in with me every few days. (She eventually bought a retirement house that they wouldn't be moving into for a year, and she gave me the key to that house for whenever I needed to leave.)
So after I called Sandy that day, my ex asked me so what did Sandy say to you, did she tell you that you were wrong. I just nodded "no" and walked away. I would never tell him what she said to me. For me, it was like my wall came down, and I was able to open up and trust people, except for him. I couldn't hide in my denial anymore, I found out all the things he was telling me were lies, it was all an isolation tactic. He really did mess up when he told me to call Sandy that day. In his mind she was supposed to tell me how effed up I was, it back fired on him. Guess where I spend my Christmas Day with now ? I spend it with Sandy, and her family.
So anyway, I was up at 4 in the morning today, took a nap from 10 to 1. (lol) Just need to wrap one more present, and I'm done for the day.
It's so good to hear that you will be seeing your daughter and grandson today. I bet those cookies are delicious. I had to hid the ones I made from me, because I won't have any left to bring to my friends house tomorrow if they are out. (lol)
I look at my house now. (I bought a log cabin.) I look at my xmas tree. (I had to buy an artificial tree, because I have 4 cats, lol) and I look around me. I was finally able to do what I wanted. I have things on all of my walls, actually running out of places to put things, (I was never allowed to hang things on walls), and I think, I finally did find "me", and I have peace.
Wishing you the best Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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