Here I Am Again
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your "part" in this is that you are asserting a measure of your own self-interest. That is a GOOD, and HEALTHY thing. But when an abuser sees his victim--the person he's accustomed to controlling--standing up for herself, he finds it threatening. You can't judge the appropriateness of your actions based on how he feels about it. He wants things HIS way, and he has no right to put you in the middle of something like money he wants from his uncle, for God's sake.
I think you need out of his business affairs. This is keeping you enmeshed with him in ways that will hurt you. Even if you lose some money in the deal, it would be well worth it to be OUT of it.
I think you need out of his business affairs. This is keeping you enmeshed with him in ways that will hurt you. Even if you lose some money in the deal, it would be well worth it to be OUT of it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon....LexieCat is an attorney who works educating the police and the courts about domestic violence.....she know what she is talking about. Best listen to her!
He was either drunk or not....it doesn't matter (I vote that he was)....the mind is still disarranged....even when the blood alcohol level drops to zero.....
You are right...he IS desperate! desperate to keep control over you and the status quo.
Detachment isn't enough. In fact, it can be dangerous is this ki nd of situation....
There is always the first time....has he ever threatened to burn the house down before? Has he ever detached the land l ine?
Where I live...near a large city....there are news reports several times a month that report family disasters.....terrible tragedies.....that happened "for the first time". Almost always....it is situations similar to this.
He has guns in the house...he is losing control....alcohol is involved....the relationship is breaking apart......
Stop trying to make sense out of this....you can't.
does he mean it?......let me tell you...If he can think it ...and SAY it...he can do it.....
dandylion
He was either drunk or not....it doesn't matter (I vote that he was)....the mind is still disarranged....even when the blood alcohol level drops to zero.....
You are right...he IS desperate! desperate to keep control over you and the status quo.
Detachment isn't enough. In fact, it can be dangerous is this ki nd of situation....
There is always the first time....has he ever threatened to burn the house down before? Has he ever detached the land l ine?
Where I live...near a large city....there are news reports several times a month that report family disasters.....terrible tragedies.....that happened "for the first time". Almost always....it is situations similar to this.
He has guns in the house...he is losing control....alcohol is involved....the relationship is breaking apart......
Stop trying to make sense out of this....you can't.
does he mean it?......let me tell you...If he can think it ...and SAY it...he can do it.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
I have a friend coming shortly to help me. I am waiting for my brother to call, and help me financially so I can put my stuff in storage. My ah told me he'd destroy anything that had to do with me. I'm now tiring to find a place that will let me take my dogs. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to leave my mother-in- laws dog that we took for her. I'm still not sure if the police maybe pulled him over last night. They gave me a number to call for DV, so I'll be doing that too.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing. Thank you all for your support!! I don't feel so alone.
I have a friend coming shortly to help me. I am waiting for my brother to call, and help me financially so I can put my stuff in storage. My ah told me he'd destroy anything that had to do with me. I'm now tiring to find a place that will let me take my dogs. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to leave my mother-in- laws dog that we took for her. I'm still not sure if the police maybe pulled him over last night. They gave me a number to call for DV, so I'll be doing that too.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing. Thank you all for your support!! I don't feel so alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon.....ask the DV people about the animals....they may have "special" contacts of people who can help you...or will rent to people who have animals in a DV type of situation.....It won't hurt to ask......
I have also seen websites that deal with landlords/renters who ONLY list properties that are animal friendly.......
dandylion
......You ARE doing the right thing.....any person who is taking care of their own safety IS doing the right thing!
I have also seen websites that deal with landlords/renters who ONLY list properties that are animal friendly.......
dandylion
......You ARE doing the right thing.....any person who is taking care of their own safety IS doing the right thing!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just bear in mind--if you get the protective order, you AND the dogs can stay put. If you put the order in place, the police will accompany him to remove his belongings. He can't just show up unannounced and take his stuff and damage/destroy yours.
Please make that call to the advocate sooner rather than later. They can help you sort out all these concerns that are swirling around in your head, BEFORE you put yourself to a lot of trouble you might not need to go through (putting everything in storage, for instance).
Please make that call to the advocate sooner rather than later. They can help you sort out all these concerns that are swirling around in your head, BEFORE you put yourself to a lot of trouble you might not need to go through (putting everything in storage, for instance).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Zircon, I imagine making the call to the advocate is very frightening as it will put a name on what is happening to you and make it Real. This is one of those times you have to acknowledge your fear...but do it anyway. We are all here. We are all behind you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Checking in with you, and more (((((hugs))))).
A lot of really good advice here. Another thing that I wanted to warn you about is the possible "hoover" attempt. A hoover is where they try to be real nice just to suck you back in. It's really not that they are sorry, it is also a form of control. He may resort to this since the police were involved. Why would he do that? So that you would recant what you told the police. If you ever went through one of these, you know they don't mean anything. That behavior doesn't go away, he is only using it to get back in.
A lot of really good advice here. Another thing that I wanted to warn you about is the possible "hoover" attempt. A hoover is where they try to be real nice just to suck you back in. It's really not that they are sorry, it is also a form of control. He may resort to this since the police were involved. Why would he do that? So that you would recant what you told the police. If you ever went through one of these, you know they don't mean anything. That behavior doesn't go away, he is only using it to get back in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thinking of you today Zircon.
They get crazy when they think they are losing control of their situation - especially when their true love (booze) is partially to blame, and they don't want to lose it. The following you around and getting in your face, and disconnecting the phone is NOT OK. It is controlling, intimidating and abusive and you had every right to call police.
Sending you good vibes, happy thoughts and prayers for peace and a speedy end to the madness.
They get crazy when they think they are losing control of their situation - especially when their true love (booze) is partially to blame, and they don't want to lose it. The following you around and getting in your face, and disconnecting the phone is NOT OK. It is controlling, intimidating and abusive and you had every right to call police.
Sending you good vibes, happy thoughts and prayers for peace and a speedy end to the madness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Thank you all for you caring, good advice, and support. Not sure where I'd be without it. I'm taking the advice given.
Just wanted to let all know, I was trying to reconnect my landline, felt he probably just disconnected it somehow. He actually cut the line of the main phone with the answering machine, and removed all the other extensions. That was the reason he wouldn't put it back when the police came he refused to reconnect it. I do have a phone permanently on the wall that is very far away and hard for me to reach, that I actually forgot we had. But again his intention was to deny me access to our land line. I have just left a message for the officer who responded last night, waiting for a call back.
Again thank you all so much!
Just wanted to let all know, I was trying to reconnect my landline, felt he probably just disconnected it somehow. He actually cut the line of the main phone with the answering machine, and removed all the other extensions. That was the reason he wouldn't put it back when the police came he refused to reconnect it. I do have a phone permanently on the wall that is very far away and hard for me to reach, that I actually forgot we had. But again his intention was to deny me access to our land line. I have just left a message for the officer who responded last night, waiting for a call back.
Again thank you all so much!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Originally Posted by Zircon 
Thank you all for you caring, good advice, and support. Not sure where I'd be without it. I'm taking the advice given.
Just wanted to let all know, I was trying to reconnect my landline, felt he probably just disconnected it somehow. He actually cut the line of the main phone with the answering machine, and removed all the other extensions. That was the reason he wouldn't put it back when the police came he refused to reconnect it. I do have a phone permanently on the wall that is very far away and hard for me to reach, that I actually forgot we had. But again his intention was to deny me access to our land line. I have just left a message for the officer who responded last night, waiting for a call back.
Again thank you all so much!
Just wanted to let all know, I was trying to reconnect my landline, felt he probably just disconnected it somehow. He actually cut the line of the main phone with the answering machine, and removed all the other extensions. That was the reason he wouldn't put it back when the police came he refused to reconnect it. I do have a phone permanently on the wall that is very far away and hard for me to reach, that I actually forgot we had. But again his intention was to deny me access to our land line. I have just left a message for the officer who responded last night, waiting for a call back.
Again thank you all so much!
Typically, police will respond by tracing a 911 call even if it is cut off.
He was making sure that couldn't happen.
I'd be making that call for expert help and also getting a restraining order immediately were I in your situation.
He's losing control of you and the situation and getting desperate.
My alcoholic mother did many things for the "first time"
I thought she would never ever do too--
Please step back and see the gravity of this and take appropriate action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Just Checking In
Hi all,
I am just taking a deep breath right now, been on the phone with family, advocate m, and police. I have my lawyer appt tomm@ 10AM.
Everyone agrees I should leave the house and get a protection order. So that's the plan. Got lots of help from the advocate, even moving my stuff and the dogs.
For the first time in many hours I feel safe. I spoke with my ah cousin, who feels I should leave the house. She told me my ah' sister called and left her a message last evening. She was very surprised because my ah' sister has a very estranged relationship with this cousin.
She called the sister back, because the message left was frantic, wondering if she might know where my ah might be.
It was kinda a strange message because my ah' sister knows he isn't talking to this cousin cause she questioned his drinking.
When she called her back, my ah's sister informed her that my ah was coming to get house today, staying overnight, and visiting his mom with her in the nursing home.
The cousin shared this with me, so she knew something was up. I told her the story. She is very supportive of me. Also told me my ah sister knows my ah has a problem, and she can fix him. I was thinking that I think my ah's sister might have purposely fed this information to get, so it would get to me. To what ends though???
The whole situation is unnerving. His sister is supporting his behavior !!
I know I'll sleep tonight, and be on my way to some resolution tomm.
Again, THANK YOU ALL !! For giving me the strength I needed to start down this difficult road
I am just taking a deep breath right now, been on the phone with family, advocate m, and police. I have my lawyer appt tomm@ 10AM.
Everyone agrees I should leave the house and get a protection order. So that's the plan. Got lots of help from the advocate, even moving my stuff and the dogs.
For the first time in many hours I feel safe. I spoke with my ah cousin, who feels I should leave the house. She told me my ah' sister called and left her a message last evening. She was very surprised because my ah' sister has a very estranged relationship with this cousin.
She called the sister back, because the message left was frantic, wondering if she might know where my ah might be.
It was kinda a strange message because my ah' sister knows he isn't talking to this cousin cause she questioned his drinking.
When she called her back, my ah's sister informed her that my ah was coming to get house today, staying overnight, and visiting his mom with her in the nursing home.
The cousin shared this with me, so she knew something was up. I told her the story. She is very supportive of me. Also told me my ah sister knows my ah has a problem, and she can fix him. I was thinking that I think my ah's sister might have purposely fed this information to get, so it would get to me. To what ends though???
The whole situation is unnerving. His sister is supporting his behavior !!
I know I'll sleep tonight, and be on my way to some resolution tomm.
Again, THANK YOU ALL !! For giving me the strength I needed to start down this difficult road
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
GOOD JOB!! I know it was difficult to do, but those advocates are really amazing, aren't they?
Be cautious where his family's concerned. They aren't necessarily acting with evil intent--batterers are extremely skilled manipulators, and they manipulate family members as well as their intended victim. Just be aware that they may be acting in what they think is HIS best interest, not yours. Be careful what information you share with them, because there's a good chance it will somehow or other find its way back to him.
Hugs, stay alert and stay safe. I'm glad your plan is coming together!
Be cautious where his family's concerned. They aren't necessarily acting with evil intent--batterers are extremely skilled manipulators, and they manipulate family members as well as their intended victim. Just be aware that they may be acting in what they think is HIS best interest, not yours. Be careful what information you share with them, because there's a good chance it will somehow or other find its way back to him.
Hugs, stay alert and stay safe. I'm glad your plan is coming together!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Very, very proud that you have taken the advice here and are taking steps to protect yourself. That he cut those phone lines makes my mouth drop to the floor. Your HP surely intervened on your behalf - my friend I just don't know what today would look like for you had you not called the police. Intent on his end appears to be something that makes the hair on my arms stand straight up.
I do agree with the others that it is paramount that you not give anyone information on the steps you are taking. The cousin repeats it to Sister, the sister repeats it to AH. No good can come of that. Let them handle him, he will be just fine.
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