Here I Am Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
A New Day
Hi All,
I didn't sleep very well, but did sleep. I'm up early. I have such mixed emotions. I feel numb.
I know what I have to do. I gave it a lot of thought. My family is very supportive, I couldn't have survived without all your advice and support,
Nothing in my life will change unless I embrass the change. Things have only gotten worse despite everything I've tried to do. My expectations are logical, but my ah lives in a very disorganized, irrational brain, and his reality is exactly that, his reality.
I for the first time, the night I called the police, saw a very different man, a scary man, a desperate man! This man was my h, but not the man I have known and loved for so many years.
My ah showed me that night, that his desperation has no boundaries. He was willing to give up his life, me, and anything else to protect, and justify his addiction. It has nothing to do with his words, yes they sting and hurt, it was his actions, body language and to see him so driven to protect himself ( or his addiction), in front of friends, family, and now the police.
I know one thing for sure this deaparation will continue to grow. My ah will mow down anything in his path.
I have taken a good look at myself. I have tried to blame myself. Again with your help have realized, if it was my fault I would be able to fix this and live happily ever after. I am powerless. My ah is in survival mode. I tried blaming myself because my behavior has changed and I have become more angry. I realized it is reactionary. It is not who I am or who I want to continue to be. I am trying to protect myself and life.
I came to the realization, I have choices, choose to live this way, and watch myself become a very unhappy angry person,
Or choose to live my life for me, the way I think I deserve to live.
I questioned a few weeks ago that I didn't want to loose my compassion. I felt by walking away, I was compromising my feelings of compassion for people. I now know that it is my compassion that is allowing me to make the choice to live my life.
My ah has chosen to life his life this way, and not stop drinking and seek help. I also have the same choose, to live my life the way that makes me happy.
I will continue with my plan today. Going to the lawyer. I know this is going to be difficult, but I also know I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I will need to continue to work on trying to get me back.
Christmas won't be very merry for me. I decided not to risk having my daughter and grandchildren here. Not sure where I'll even be. I know it will happen the way it's supposed to.
I will keep all posted about what the lawyer says today.
Thank you all!
I didn't sleep very well, but did sleep. I'm up early. I have such mixed emotions. I feel numb.
I know what I have to do. I gave it a lot of thought. My family is very supportive, I couldn't have survived without all your advice and support,
Nothing in my life will change unless I embrass the change. Things have only gotten worse despite everything I've tried to do. My expectations are logical, but my ah lives in a very disorganized, irrational brain, and his reality is exactly that, his reality.
I for the first time, the night I called the police, saw a very different man, a scary man, a desperate man! This man was my h, but not the man I have known and loved for so many years.
My ah showed me that night, that his desperation has no boundaries. He was willing to give up his life, me, and anything else to protect, and justify his addiction. It has nothing to do with his words, yes they sting and hurt, it was his actions, body language and to see him so driven to protect himself ( or his addiction), in front of friends, family, and now the police.
I know one thing for sure this deaparation will continue to grow. My ah will mow down anything in his path.
I have taken a good look at myself. I have tried to blame myself. Again with your help have realized, if it was my fault I would be able to fix this and live happily ever after. I am powerless. My ah is in survival mode. I tried blaming myself because my behavior has changed and I have become more angry. I realized it is reactionary. It is not who I am or who I want to continue to be. I am trying to protect myself and life.
I came to the realization, I have choices, choose to live this way, and watch myself become a very unhappy angry person,
Or choose to live my life for me, the way I think I deserve to live.
I questioned a few weeks ago that I didn't want to loose my compassion. I felt by walking away, I was compromising my feelings of compassion for people. I now know that it is my compassion that is allowing me to make the choice to live my life.
My ah has chosen to life his life this way, and not stop drinking and seek help. I also have the same choose, to live my life the way that makes me happy.
I will continue with my plan today. Going to the lawyer. I know this is going to be difficult, but I also know I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I will need to continue to work on trying to get me back.
Christmas won't be very merry for me. I decided not to risk having my daughter and grandchildren here. Not sure where I'll even be. I know it will happen the way it's supposed to.
I will keep all posted about what the lawyer says today.
Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Zircon - your introspection is amazing.
Might you go back to see your family in Florida? How about going to see your daughter?
I realize this will be a difficult Christmas. In truth you have given yourself the best present you could. Freedom from insanity and danger.
Might you go back to see your family in Florida? How about going to see your daughter?
I realize this will be a difficult Christmas. In truth you have given yourself the best present you could. Freedom from insanity and danger.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning Z
Yes!!! I agree with Red, this is the best gift you could give YOURSELF. Deep breath, you are on the right track now...
Good luck at the attorney today, we are praying for you. Thanks for checking in.
Tight hug
Ro
Yes!!! I agree with Red, this is the best gift you could give YOURSELF. Deep breath, you are on the right track now...
Good luck at the attorney today, we are praying for you. Thanks for checking in.
Tight hug
Ro
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I now agree with Lexie to get that PO bc of him having no boundaries regardless of having one or not. Stay strong, Z! Get to that lawyer this morning, keep in touch with police and your DV advocate- do you have a place to stay now?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with red, I think you've had a LOT of revelations the past few days. Think of it as a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. You've been shown what is in your future--UNLESS you take steps to change it. Remember Scrooge? He woke up and decided hell, no, he was NOT going to have that future.
As uncertain as things look right now, it's better than the certainty you would have to deal with if you did nothing. You will be OK. Many folks on here have found that once their decision was made, pieces fell into place--a new apartment, a new job, a great lawyer, etc. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We've got your back.
SO PROUD OF YOU!!
As uncertain as things look right now, it's better than the certainty you would have to deal with if you did nothing. You will be OK. Many folks on here have found that once their decision was made, pieces fell into place--a new apartment, a new job, a great lawyer, etc. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We've got your back.
SO PROUD OF YOU!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Zircon, just catching up with your thread. There's something seriously askew in his brain now, and don't assume that other people can't see it. What's obvious to you will become obvious to them as well.
Sending you my support.
Sending you my support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Great job taking immediate action Zircon--
I agree with others--follow through on protective order, and be
sure he doesn't have access to any of your banking / credit card info on the common computer.
It might be a good idea to report cards lost or get a new account number with the new address as mail may
keep coming to your house.
Also, if you haven't, be sure to start your own account at another bank and get
any cash assets your entitled to put in there right away.
It is a pretty common trick for the addict to clean out the savings and other bank accounts and blow the money.
Protect yourself now, and check w/ lawyer about what is legal--you can always
re-deposit money if needed.
I agree with others--follow through on protective order, and be
sure he doesn't have access to any of your banking / credit card info on the common computer.
It might be a good idea to report cards lost or get a new account number with the new address as mail may
keep coming to your house.
Also, if you haven't, be sure to start your own account at another bank and get
any cash assets your entitled to put in there right away.
It is a pretty common trick for the addict to clean out the savings and other bank accounts and blow the money.
Protect yourself now, and check w/ lawyer about what is legal--you can always
re-deposit money if needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Feeling Very Low
Hi, just me.
I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach. Feeling very numb and overwhelmed. Very lonely.
I saw the lawyer today. I liked him. He explained my options to protect me and financially as well. He gave me his cell and told me not to hesitate to call him even on the holiday.
I suppose that is progress.
Why am I here sobbing, and hurting so badly? I haven't heard a word from my ah since the police incident on Monday night.
My ah is never going to forgive me for calling the police. I knew that there would be no turning back!
I am blessed to have such good family and friends. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this holiday.
I'm not feeling very strong right now, just questioning myself. Maybe somehow this really is my fault.
How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me.
It just really hurts.
I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach. Feeling very numb and overwhelmed. Very lonely.
I saw the lawyer today. I liked him. He explained my options to protect me and financially as well. He gave me his cell and told me not to hesitate to call him even on the holiday.
I suppose that is progress.
Why am I here sobbing, and hurting so badly? I haven't heard a word from my ah since the police incident on Monday night.
My ah is never going to forgive me for calling the police. I knew that there would be no turning back!
I am blessed to have such good family and friends. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this holiday.
I'm not feeling very strong right now, just questioning myself. Maybe somehow this really is my fault.
How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me.
It just really hurts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
It does hurt, I'm not going to say that it doesn't. I think sometimes we go years and years, and sometimes we might think of a future without them, or how we would be if we didn't have to worry about how they responded to anything that we did. Then one day, reality hits you right in the face, and you want to push it away, but you know you can't anymore.
After my divorce, my mom did kidnap me for a month, and made me go to Florida with her. I really did need that. I needed to be around people who cared about me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
After my divorce, my mom did kidnap me for a month, and made me go to Florida with her. I really did need that. I needed to be around people who cared about me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
What I wrote above was my compassionate side. I do understand what you are going through. I lived that life.
Now, for the ah didn't even try to contact me. This is what they do. I wasn't sure if yours would have been one of those that kept trying to contact you, or more like my exah. Mine was a "runner" and constantly gave me the silent treatment in between the periods of raging at me. He would often take off for a week, a month, at times, even three months.
I think somehow he knew when I was starting to feel better, and he would come home at that point, just to drag me back down with him.
I think at this point, what might be more beneficial to you is to look at the way he treated you, instead of worrying about how you hurt him by calling the police. He cut your phone line. If you didn't call the police, you don't know what he would have done that night. Calling them that night, could have saved your life.
My mind was always one track when I was with him. It was always how could I say things so that I won't upset him, how could I do things better, how this, how that? None of it ever worked. I needed to change my one track thinking to "what about me?"
Did you find out about any DV group support?
((((hugs))))
amy
Now, for the ah didn't even try to contact me. This is what they do. I wasn't sure if yours would have been one of those that kept trying to contact you, or more like my exah. Mine was a "runner" and constantly gave me the silent treatment in between the periods of raging at me. He would often take off for a week, a month, at times, even three months.
I think somehow he knew when I was starting to feel better, and he would come home at that point, just to drag me back down with him.
I think at this point, what might be more beneficial to you is to look at the way he treated you, instead of worrying about how you hurt him by calling the police. He cut your phone line. If you didn't call the police, you don't know what he would have done that night. Calling them that night, could have saved your life.
My mind was always one track when I was with him. It was always how could I say things so that I won't upset him, how could I do things better, how this, how that? None of it ever worked. I needed to change my one track thinking to "what about me?"
Did you find out about any DV group support?
((((hugs))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by Zircon 
Hi, just me. I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach. Feeling very numb and overwhelmed. Very lonely. I saw the lawyer today. I liked him. He explained my options to protect me and financially as well. He gave me his cell and told me not to hesitate to call him even on the holiday. I suppose that is progress. Why am I here sobbing, and hurting so badly? I haven't heard a word from my ah since the police incident on Monday night. My ah is never going to forgive me for calling the police. I knew that there would be no turning back! I am blessed to have such good family and friends. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this holiday. I'm not feeling very strong right now, just questioning myself. Maybe somehow this really is my fault. How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me. It just really hurts.
Originally Posted by Zircon
Hi, just me. I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach. Feeling very numb and overwhelmed. Very lonely. I saw the lawyer today. I liked him. He explained my options to protect me and financially as well. He gave me his cell and told me not to hesitate to call him even on the holiday. I suppose that is progress. Why am I here sobbing, and hurting so badly? I haven't heard a word from my ah since the police incident on Monday night. My ah is never going to forgive me for calling the police. I knew that there would be no turning back! I am blessed to have such good family and friends. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this holiday. I'm not feeling very strong right now, just questioning myself. Maybe somehow this really is my fault. How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me. It just really hurts.
What helped me when I missed him or was lonely was really thinking about recent experiences. I missed he IDEA of him, but not the man I was living with.
And if possible please don't focus on forgiveness and own that. If he never forgives you it's because he never accepts responsibility. He created this. Not you. If he chooses to be angry it's a reflection of how he's avoiding his own hearing and growth. (In my marriage I was trained to own his emotions as well, so this was very hard for me. It may be a battle for you too.)
I am so impressed at your strength. You are an amazing woman, I hope you know that.
As already mentioned, be ready for the Hoover--once he realizes force isn't working I think he'll be sweet sad puppy dog who you seem to be kicking. I posted something a few years back that my dog had rabies...because he'd go from sweet puppy to raging lunatic and back again in such a confusing way. It's manipulative and purposeful. Please, please guard your heart and be ready.
A few months back I posted my "Farewell Letter". If I can link it here I will, I think it will be good for you to read. You're not alone, and you're not crazy for feeling mixed up.
More hugs to you and a peaceful Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5458160
I've never linked one before, we'll see if this works.
I've never linked one before, we'll see if this works.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by Zircon
I'm not feeling very strong right now, just questioning myself. Maybe somehow this really is my fault.
How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me.
It just really hurts.
How do you get through this in one piece??? I'm so tired, and why am I seem to be changing my whole life when it's obvious my ah never really cared for me.
It just really hurts.
But it is NOT your fault, you know that... I know it's hard to really believe it though, when you're right in the middle of it...
I'm struggling with similar feelings, after calling the police earlier this month...
It does really hurt... It just does, but we WILL get through it, and be stronger on the other side!
Hugs to you!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Z, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now. I wish I could hug you and make all the pain go away. But even if I were there and COULD hug you--even if everybody in the world that you love were there to hug you--it would still feel sad and painful.
Amy and Kboys have been in your shoes. I have not, but I've worked with SO many women who have. The way you are feeling is normal. Just don't let the way you are FEELING right now convince you that somehow you did something wrong. You've done so many things right in dealing with this, all the way through, that I truly wish you could appreciate your own bravery in doing what needed to be done.
Don't worry at the moment about his forgiving you or your forgiving him. Forgiveness is a whole separate issue from doing what you must do to protect yourself. In time maybe you will forgive him. Which means letting it go, not making what he did OK.
He threatened your life and terrorized you in your own home. That's the bottom line, here. He had NO RIGHT to do that, regardless of his alcoholism. These are two SEPARATE issues. You have a right to feel safe and to BE safe in your own home.
This isn't about your being fed up with his drinking. Which is also fine, and reason enough to end a marriage. This is about your protecting yourself. Abuse also tends to escalate over time--it doesn't just "go away" on its own. The only one responsible for what happened this week is HIM.
I'm glad you found a lawyer you like and feel you can trust. Take him at his word and call him with any questions that concern you. And for times when you are feeling sad, like now, or not so strong, post here or call your advocate.
Did you apply for the protective order? What's going on with that?
Amy and Kboys have been in your shoes. I have not, but I've worked with SO many women who have. The way you are feeling is normal. Just don't let the way you are FEELING right now convince you that somehow you did something wrong. You've done so many things right in dealing with this, all the way through, that I truly wish you could appreciate your own bravery in doing what needed to be done.
Don't worry at the moment about his forgiving you or your forgiving him. Forgiveness is a whole separate issue from doing what you must do to protect yourself. In time maybe you will forgive him. Which means letting it go, not making what he did OK.
He threatened your life and terrorized you in your own home. That's the bottom line, here. He had NO RIGHT to do that, regardless of his alcoholism. These are two SEPARATE issues. You have a right to feel safe and to BE safe in your own home.
This isn't about your being fed up with his drinking. Which is also fine, and reason enough to end a marriage. This is about your protecting yourself. Abuse also tends to escalate over time--it doesn't just "go away" on its own. The only one responsible for what happened this week is HIM.
I'm glad you found a lawyer you like and feel you can trust. Take him at his word and call him with any questions that concern you. And for times when you are feeling sad, like now, or not so strong, post here or call your advocate.
Did you apply for the protective order? What's going on with that?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Yes you did the right thing,absolutely.
Cutting the phone line like that sounds pretty psychotic.
Cutting the phone line like that sounds pretty psychotic.
Originally Posted by Zircon
Hi,
I arrived back from Florida about a week ago. Nothing much has changed with my ah.
I attended my first Alanon meeting this past Saturday, and plan on going again. Got a lot of good information.
Tonight has been a living nightmare!! Was having a good day, baking bread and cookies. My ah was off from work, went out early, wouldn't tell me why. He arrived home early afternoon. My daughter and granddaughter was here. My ah went into the basement, where he stayed for a few hours, and my daughter left shortly after my ah had come home.
My ah came upstairs early evening, went up one side me and down the other!!!
My ah stated many cruel things about me, but I think the most cruel was that my daughter and my grandchildren were not welcome here for Christmas or ever in this house, because it's his house.
I didn't answer him, my ah was getting in my face, stating that he would call her if I didn't answer him. I just walked away upstairs.
My ah followed me upstairs, proceeded to disconnect the landline phone. I asked what he was doing, my ah stated I didn't need the landline phone, because I have my cell.
I went downstairs and asked him why he did it and to please connect it back. My ah stated he did it because he felt like it, and he was not gonna reconnect it.
After asking him manny manny times to put it back on, because I didn't feel safe with it off, I told him I'd call the police.
Again my ah refused and he said call the police they'll just think your crazy.
With much reluctance I called the police. They came down, listened to both our stories, my ah still refused to reconnect the phone. The police asked him to leave the house which he did. My ah is staying at our business tonight.
I did tell the police, I thought he might have been drinking, hard to tell these days, but I don't see him drinking.
Anyways, the police allowed him to drive away, gave me information on domestic violence.
While I was locking up my house in the basement I found a southern comfort bottle, about 1/4 was gone. Wasn't looking for it, just saw it.
Did I do the right thing calling the police?? The verbal a use tonight and then disconnecting the phone was so very cruel, and that was just a small amout of what happened.
Need some advice?? Thank you all.
I arrived back from Florida about a week ago. Nothing much has changed with my ah.
I attended my first Alanon meeting this past Saturday, and plan on going again. Got a lot of good information.
Tonight has been a living nightmare!! Was having a good day, baking bread and cookies. My ah was off from work, went out early, wouldn't tell me why. He arrived home early afternoon. My daughter and granddaughter was here. My ah went into the basement, where he stayed for a few hours, and my daughter left shortly after my ah had come home.
My ah came upstairs early evening, went up one side me and down the other!!!
My ah stated many cruel things about me, but I think the most cruel was that my daughter and my grandchildren were not welcome here for Christmas or ever in this house, because it's his house.
I didn't answer him, my ah was getting in my face, stating that he would call her if I didn't answer him. I just walked away upstairs.
My ah followed me upstairs, proceeded to disconnect the landline phone. I asked what he was doing, my ah stated I didn't need the landline phone, because I have my cell.
I went downstairs and asked him why he did it and to please connect it back. My ah stated he did it because he felt like it, and he was not gonna reconnect it.
After asking him manny manny times to put it back on, because I didn't feel safe with it off, I told him I'd call the police.
Again my ah refused and he said call the police they'll just think your crazy.
With much reluctance I called the police. They came down, listened to both our stories, my ah still refused to reconnect the phone. The police asked him to leave the house which he did. My ah is staying at our business tonight.
I did tell the police, I thought he might have been drinking, hard to tell these days, but I don't see him drinking.
Anyways, the police allowed him to drive away, gave me information on domestic violence.
While I was locking up my house in the basement I found a southern comfort bottle, about 1/4 was gone. Wasn't looking for it, just saw it.
Did I do the right thing calling the police?? The verbal a use tonight and then disconnecting the phone was so very cruel, and that was just a small amout of what happened.
Need some advice?? Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
It's coming from a place of power and control. He wants power and control.
He's going to try and intimidate you anyway he can?
He's going to try and intimidate you anyway he can?
Originally Posted by Zircon
Haven't slept all night. My mind is thinking about the events of last night, and if I could have done anything different. I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself for calling the police on my ah.
I don't know what set him off. The rage in him toward me last night scarried me. My ah was in my face, and relentless, almost in an interrogating way.
The paranoia regarding me lying to him about Alanon, all of his friends thinking I'm sabotaging our business, that I don't what it to be successful.
What I don't understand is when my ah stated he has book on me, and affidavits, and at 7:15pm, my ah stated he was texting his lawyer. What divorce lawyer would text a client at that time???
I think it was his rage and anger, trying to pick a fight with me, or wanting me to cry and beg his forgiveness. I didn't engage him, so he started on my daughter. Then the phone. I wasn't sure what my ah was gonna do next.
Not sure the best thing was to call the police though, feeling guilty but scarried.
I'm not going into the business today. My ah and I work together. He did say to me last night, that if I set foot into the business, he'd make my life miserable. How can the 2 men in that building see what he does and not say anything.
My ah continues to tell me I hate those 2 men. They think I'm crazy and a few other things. Of course, my ah is feeding them stuff about me. Frankly, those men obviously mean something to my ah. I told him, I don't hate them, why would I?
I guess I'm rambling, lack of sleep.
Not sure what today will bring. Not sure what is gonna happen. Will he come home tonight?? If he does, what do I do?
I don't know what set him off. The rage in him toward me last night scarried me. My ah was in my face, and relentless, almost in an interrogating way.
The paranoia regarding me lying to him about Alanon, all of his friends thinking I'm sabotaging our business, that I don't what it to be successful.
What I don't understand is when my ah stated he has book on me, and affidavits, and at 7:15pm, my ah stated he was texting his lawyer. What divorce lawyer would text a client at that time???
I think it was his rage and anger, trying to pick a fight with me, or wanting me to cry and beg his forgiveness. I didn't engage him, so he started on my daughter. Then the phone. I wasn't sure what my ah was gonna do next.
Not sure the best thing was to call the police though, feeling guilty but scarried.
I'm not going into the business today. My ah and I work together. He did say to me last night, that if I set foot into the business, he'd make my life miserable. How can the 2 men in that building see what he does and not say anything.
My ah continues to tell me I hate those 2 men. They think I'm crazy and a few other things. Of course, my ah is feeding them stuff about me. Frankly, those men obviously mean something to my ah. I told him, I don't hate them, why would I?
I guess I'm rambling, lack of sleep.
Not sure what today will bring. Not sure what is gonna happen. Will he come home tonight?? If he does, what do I do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Zircon,
I think there is another thing that you might want to discuss with us, or if you have a DV support group. That is the "waiting and wishing he will call".
I did this a lot. What I figured out from all of that was that when he was not calling, and I was trying to call him, he totally ignored me. I craved that call from him. I walked around with my cell phone all day waiting for that call. I just really wanted to feel like he knew I existed. That's how bad it got. I was willing to take any crumbs just for him to acknowledge my existence. ( I really do hate true confessions as to how messed up I was ).
When I would shut off the cell phone, or not answer that is when he would show up. It really was a whole push/pull relationship. It was all a "black" or 'white" relationship. I was either the best, or I was the enemy.
The numerous, (too numerous to count) that I let him back in, the only thing that changed was that he "upped" his control (abuse). See, the thing is, the more you try to stand up for yourself, the more they need to take you down.
They really do see you as their enemy, (and I am not even talking alcoholism here). I think I read that you were married for 12 years. I think you already know what a circular conversation is. Sometimes, even when they seem reasonable, you never feel like anything ever got resolved, because you were blamed for so many things. They may even suggest they will go to a therapist, (as my ex liked to call them "the rapist") then you find out that oh wow, they just need your love, and that you are nit picking b!tch, that always harps on them.
They can go from hot to cold faster then you can spin around.
Please get that protection order and block his phone calls. Listen to your attorney, and get that DV support.
We are all here for you.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
amy
I think there is another thing that you might want to discuss with us, or if you have a DV support group. That is the "waiting and wishing he will call".
I did this a lot. What I figured out from all of that was that when he was not calling, and I was trying to call him, he totally ignored me. I craved that call from him. I walked around with my cell phone all day waiting for that call. I just really wanted to feel like he knew I existed. That's how bad it got. I was willing to take any crumbs just for him to acknowledge my existence. ( I really do hate true confessions as to how messed up I was ).
When I would shut off the cell phone, or not answer that is when he would show up. It really was a whole push/pull relationship. It was all a "black" or 'white" relationship. I was either the best, or I was the enemy.
The numerous, (too numerous to count) that I let him back in, the only thing that changed was that he "upped" his control (abuse). See, the thing is, the more you try to stand up for yourself, the more they need to take you down.
They really do see you as their enemy, (and I am not even talking alcoholism here). I think I read that you were married for 12 years. I think you already know what a circular conversation is. Sometimes, even when they seem reasonable, you never feel like anything ever got resolved, because you were blamed for so many things. They may even suggest they will go to a therapist, (as my ex liked to call them "the rapist") then you find out that oh wow, they just need your love, and that you are nit picking b!tch, that always harps on them.
They can go from hot to cold faster then you can spin around.
Please get that protection order and block his phone calls. Listen to your attorney, and get that DV support.
We are all here for you.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
amy
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