Have you ever needed time/space to think and work on yourself?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
(((((Hugs))))) I'm so sorry, I know you must be feeling devastated. Once would be a difficult thing to forgive, but for him to go back multiple times it's not just a one-off bad decision any longer.... it's something he pursued specifically & engaged in of his own free will. There's no way he was unaware of what he was doing - I mean, this requires going so far as to SCHEDULE an appt, that's a lot of premeditated thought.
What triggered him to share this with you now, after all of this time? Are you concerned that there is still even more that he isn't admitting to? ((((More hugs))))
What triggered him to share this with you now, after all of this time? Are you concerned that there is still even more that he isn't admitting to? ((((More hugs))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry for the shock and upset--this is terribly distressing for you to learn.
I am, however, suspicious of the TIMING of this "confession"--is he hoping you'll take him back to keep him happy so he won't be a "driven" to these kinds of acts (e.g., a manipulation)?
Sending you a hug,
I am, however, suspicious of the TIMING of this "confession"--is he hoping you'll take him back to keep him happy so he won't be a "driven" to these kinds of acts (e.g., a manipulation)?
Sending you a hug,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
What triggered him to share this with you now, after all of this time? Are you concerned that there is still even more that he isn't admitting to?
I don't know why he told me now except I found a piece of information and confronted him in a non-threatening way. He denied any wrongdoing, and I dropped it. But, it must have planted the seed that I was on to him, and I would be shining a light on it soon.
I don't think there's anything more.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
It seems like you find out more every time you think there's nothing else though, doesn't it?
IDK - I think I'd be pretty flaming angry at being *handled* like that. It sounds like he only came clean to avoid being outted because you were "on to him" - not at all a purposeful amends. Not to mention - dripping the info to me in small doses like this to minimize the impact to make it more likely I will be forgiving is deceitful & WRONG. I'm an adult & deserved the full truth when I asked for it, way back when...not whenever you deem it reasonable to drop a bomb on me & eff up my world completely. But wait, it's ok because NOW so much time has passed & you're such a better person?
JMHO as always, but this really would make me feel manipulated for HIS benefit. NOT ok. NOT an example of a healthy recovery to me.
You don't deserve that treatment.
IDK - I think I'd be pretty flaming angry at being *handled* like that. It sounds like he only came clean to avoid being outted because you were "on to him" - not at all a purposeful amends. Not to mention - dripping the info to me in small doses like this to minimize the impact to make it more likely I will be forgiving is deceitful & WRONG. I'm an adult & deserved the full truth when I asked for it, way back when...not whenever you deem it reasonable to drop a bomb on me & eff up my world completely. But wait, it's ok because NOW so much time has passed & you're such a better person?
JMHO as always, but this really would make me feel manipulated for HIS benefit. NOT ok. NOT an example of a healthy recovery to me.
You don't deserve that treatment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by FireSprite
It seems like you find out more every time you think there's nothing else though, doesn't it?
Last night, he said to me “I don’t know why I treated you the way I did (manipulations, blame shifting and so forth). It’s either the secret was too much and it came out in unconstructive ways or I’m an ***hole.” I made no comment, but in my mind I quietly thought to myself – let’s go with the latter.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Your husband sounds very selfish to me. All of his actions are ALL about him, not a thing about you. You have had to fight him for the things that you feel YOU need in order to grow/change/breathe. For him, its whining and crying about how it affects him at every turn.
A caring partner would listen to what you need too.
Now he drops this bomb and may I say almost carelessly like I guess now is as good as a time as any..........I think you got this confession because you were on to him, NOT because its just been "tearing him apart". Is he sorry he did it? Or sorry he got caught (or close to it)?
Last night, he said to me “I don’t know why I treated you the way I did (manipulations, blame shifting and so forth). It’s either the secret was too much and it came out in unconstructive ways or I’m an ***hole.” This isn't an apology I hope you see it for what it is. its a "get you off his back" statement. Plans here are for him to punish himself so you don't get to.
Now is the perfect time for you to get that separation you wanted.
A caring partner would listen to what you need too.
Now he drops this bomb and may I say almost carelessly like I guess now is as good as a time as any..........I think you got this confession because you were on to him, NOT because its just been "tearing him apart". Is he sorry he did it? Or sorry he got caught (or close to it)?
Last night, he said to me “I don’t know why I treated you the way I did (manipulations, blame shifting and so forth). It’s either the secret was too much and it came out in unconstructive ways or I’m an ***hole.” This isn't an apology I hope you see it for what it is. its a "get you off his back" statement. Plans here are for him to punish himself so you don't get to.
Now is the perfect time for you to get that separation you wanted.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look, you've been putting yourself in all kinds of uncomfortable situations for the sake of not "crushing" him. Has his behavior been REMOTELY as considerate of YOUR feelings?
At this point, I'd go for the complete physical (and let us not forget LEGAL) separation. I'd consult with a lawyer about protecting yourself legally and financially.
The way this has all gone sort of creeps me out with his "fear of abandonment." What about his abandonment of YOU? I'm not suggesting this should be "tit for tat" but he seems to expect you to accommodate all of his emotional needs while he has displayed ZERO concern about yours.
Separation would give you a huge sense of relief, I think. Living in that house must be terribly uncomfortable--especially now.
At this point, I'd go for the complete physical (and let us not forget LEGAL) separation. I'd consult with a lawyer about protecting yourself legally and financially.
The way this has all gone sort of creeps me out with his "fear of abandonment." What about his abandonment of YOU? I'm not suggesting this should be "tit for tat" but he seems to expect you to accommodate all of his emotional needs while he has displayed ZERO concern about yours.
Separation would give you a huge sense of relief, I think. Living in that house must be terribly uncomfortable--especially now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm so sorry. I know it's painful to think that you may need to move on. Taking care of yourself is key now. It's obvious that the entire dynamic here has been all about him. You can find peace and yes, it will have it's challenges but I can promise you that it will be worth the journey. Sending you lots of support and kind thoughts tonight. HUGS!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
It's been over two months...
This afternoon, I go to mediation with my husband regarding child custody. We couldn't move forward with a physical separation until a custody agreement was in place since he was uncomfortable to leave the house until then. I don't want any of this, but I don't know of any other way to take time for myself and work through everything.
He's in individual and group therapy. He's working on himself. He's remorseful, but... There's always a BUT. And, I still don't understand the five times @ the massage parlors. I try to look at everything from many different angles, but I still struggle.
I wish time would stop for a moment, and I could take time to breathe. But, it won't. Time will tick by and then the afternoon will come. And, I will find myself in a conference room with four other individuals. We will sit around a table and decide on the fate of my children's lives for the next # of years. I don't take any of this lightly. The decision for a physical separation rests squarely on my shoulders so I feel the weight of it more so. I wish it would all go away. And, I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. There are so many forks in the road in life, and I hope I choose wisely. I just don't know.
I appreciate all of your support and advice. It's cloudy here, and it matches my mood.
This afternoon, I go to mediation with my husband regarding child custody. We couldn't move forward with a physical separation until a custody agreement was in place since he was uncomfortable to leave the house until then. I don't want any of this, but I don't know of any other way to take time for myself and work through everything.
He's in individual and group therapy. He's working on himself. He's remorseful, but... There's always a BUT. And, I still don't understand the five times @ the massage parlors. I try to look at everything from many different angles, but I still struggle.
I wish time would stop for a moment, and I could take time to breathe. But, it won't. Time will tick by and then the afternoon will come. And, I will find myself in a conference room with four other individuals. We will sit around a table and decide on the fate of my children's lives for the next # of years. I don't take any of this lightly. The decision for a physical separation rests squarely on my shoulders so I feel the weight of it more so. I wish it would all go away. And, I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. There are so many forks in the road in life, and I hope I choose wisely. I just don't know.
I appreciate all of your support and advice. It's cloudy here, and it matches my mood.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HangOnLoosely......I don't think than any responsible person would take this sort of thing "lightly"......and, you, clearly, are not....
sometimes, it comes to the point that you just have to do what you know you need to do.....
You are doing the best thing for you and your children...
you WILL get through this afternoon in one piece.....
dandylion
sometimes, it comes to the point that you just have to do what you know you need to do.....
You are doing the best thing for you and your children...
you WILL get through this afternoon in one piece.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by dandylion
HangOnLoosely......I don't think than any responsible person would take this sort of thing "lightly"......and, you, clearly, are not....
sometimes, it comes to the point that you just have to do what you know you need to do.....
You are doing the best thing for you and your children...
you WILL get through this afternoon in one piece.....
dandylion
sometimes, it comes to the point that you just have to do what you know you need to do.....
You are doing the best thing for you and your children...
you WILL get through this afternoon in one piece.....
dandylion
I have always wanted to make the best decisions throughout this entire experience. I have made mistakes though. We all do, right?
Without children, I know the decision I would have made...months ago. With children, everything takes more thoughtful consideration.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Hmm. I want to edit the above post so there's no misinterpretation. The decision I would have made months ago (without children) would still have been a physical separation, but I don't think I would have struggled so much with the decision. I hope that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Good luck today...and I just want to remind you that nothing you do is a forever thing unless you continue to choose it each new day. If separation is right today, then it's not a bad thing. You can always change your mind later.
My teen boys have been through a lot of garbage, and three years post-divorce they are thriving. If you do nothing except actively LOVE your kids, they'll be just fine, regardless of the noise and drama they endure. It's gonna be okay!
My teen boys have been through a lot of garbage, and three years post-divorce they are thriving. If you do nothing except actively LOVE your kids, they'll be just fine, regardless of the noise and drama they endure. It's gonna be okay!
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