Thomas45

I received a phone call from my mom the other night about my older brother who fell off the wagon quite hard several weeks ago, unbeknownst to anybody in the family except for mother. For quite a number of years now, he has had ongoing issues with a variety of DOC's and various lengths of sobriety, but his chosen methods of getting clean haven't been effective ones - trying to white knuckle it on his own, switching from alcohol and cigarettes to weed "because it wasn't addictive or as bad for him" and then having the old habits creep back in. That sort of thing. Several years back he went through an ugly separation from his wife (who to my understanding also has substance use issues) and hasn't been able to come to terms with the breakdown of the relationship in a healthy way.

When my own marriage fell apart and I put myself into the hospital, my actions shocked him into a short period of sobriety and it looked like he was really starting to pull his life together - getting a good job, starting to pay off his debts, being more open and social with our family, trying hard to stay away from alcohol. Somewhere along the way though I noticed old habits and behaviors creeping back in, in the way that he would act and interact with others, and I stopped actively trying to communicate with him because I was still very much going through my own healing process and didn't want to be around someone who appeared to be active in an addiction.

Thus the phone call from my mom, who still tries to keep in touch with him (without enabling him, she understands how addictions work). Long story short, he blew through his entire paycheck on a weekend bender immediately after getting paid and lost his job after not showing up or calling in for work numerous days in a row. After he called our mom to ask for help in finding a men's shelter, he hasn't been answering her text messages for quite some time now.

I hope that this is his rock bottom, and that he starts actively seeking out recovery options. At the same time, if he reaches out to me for help, I recognize that aside from being there to listen, there is literally nothing I can do to help him through this because he has to be the one to drive his recovery, and not someone else. Addiction is a curse that just keeps on giving.

Not really looking for advice, just felt the need to talk about it. Thanks.

dandylion

Thomas.....I hear the love and caring that you have for your brother.
He has a family that loves him.

There is always hope....

Have a good Thanksgiving, Thomas.....

dandylion

gleefan

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds like you have great clarity on the situation, though, and I appreciate being able to read your thought process on how to avoid the Codie rabbit hole. Like Dandy said, there's always hope!

honeypig

Thomas, I also think you're showing understanding, compassion, love and wisdom in your actions and thought processes regarding your brother. Thanks for sharing that here.

My thoughts and hopes are w/you, your brother and your mom.

chicory

Thomas, praying for your brother. I know how much this hurts, when its our loved ones.

Liveitwell

Thomas-I'm so sorry to hear about your brother-I truly hope he's hit his bottom as well-seems like he has one hell of a family that would be welcoming him and supporting his sobriety. Thinking of y'all.
Btw, it is so sad that what you said is true-addiction is a curse that just keeps giving. Very true.
Peace to you.

Thomas45

Well, in all honesty I'm not sure how much we're actually supporting him beyond letting him experience the consequences of his choices. None of us have enough money saved up to even think about going in together on a treatment facility for him. I don't keep in touch with him any more, and my older sister (who has a young boy of her own) doesn't want him visiting because she doesn't want her son to be exposed to negative behaviors. It's our mother who tries hard to keep the family ties somewhat connected, but even she is saying that she doesn't want him over for Christmas if he's that deep in addiction. Last time he visited her, he was extremely offensive about everything from her choice in boyfriends to her preference in music while driving to the places they stopped at for lunch, and she doesn't want to deal with that kind of constant criticism. Simply telling me about his last visit almost drove her to tears, relating the things he was saying about her current boyfriend.

It seems odd to me that I am bothered by this, knowing that he has been essentially the same kind of person that he was when he was 13 years old - rebellious, anti establishment, anti conformist, without any sense of responsibility or consequence. He tormented me incessantly when we were growing up and it took a long time for me to be able to trust him again as an adult, and yet every time I would place him in a position of trust within the last few years it would always blow up spectacularly in my face. While I don't blame him specifically for the breakdown of my marriage, I took him in when he needed a place to stay during his own separation and he became involved in some controversy that shocked me so badly that I simply couldn't believe the accusations I was hearing and tried to remain impartial and unbiased in the absence of evidence... and this led to a long period of time where my ex wife's friends and family actively tried to undermine our marriage and force us to separate, because they claimed that I was choosing my brother's side when I was trying to listen to both sides and choose neither. So that alone put tremendous strain on the relationship (in addition to the strain from her drinking) that we weren't ever able to fully recover from that wouldn't have been there had I not trusted him in my home. Without writing a book of examples hopefully you get my drift, when I say that I have a hard time considering him a "brother" because I can't recall a single time when I was able to rely on him for anything. But it still bothers me that he's going down this path.

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts, I do appreciate them.