Lucylettinggo

I am new to this. I am seeking advice for how to deal with my boyfriend who has serious alcohol issues and may be an alcoholic. This has been going on for a year and it's getting worse. He keeps running away from me when I bring it up. I'm at my wits end and think I need to contact his family. To help since he won't let me. My mother is an alcoholic and this is very sensitive to me and is pretty much a deal breaker. I'm scared to walk away and leave him because I know he won't get help. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Ambuler

As an alcoholic myself, I have to say that anytime anyone brought up the fact that I may be drinking too much, it did nothing but annoy me and make me want to drink more. Alcohol for an alcoholic is something very sacred and personal, and we will do anything to defend it. I had to hit a point that alcohol became a negative instead of the one thing that made everything better. In my case I was arrested and separated from my daughter and husband for two months before I began to want to change my relationship with the bottle. My advice at this point would just be to stand firm in your convictions, and don't enable him. Don't buy alcohol for him or make it easy for him to drink. Make that his responsibility. He has to come to the decision to change himself. It's the only way that it will be permanent. Love him, be there for him, let him know that you are worried, but don't nag him. You'll only push him away. If his drinking is a deal breaker for you, perhaps you may need to take a break from your relationship for him to see how serious you are, and for you to see if this is a relationship that you would want to pursue and eventually make permanent in spite of the struggles ahead, because if he is in fact an alcoholic, there WILL be struggles, unfortunately. I hope that helped a little.

Lucylettinggo

Thanks for your response Ambular. I know the struggle all too well being the daughter of an alcoholic mother. I'm in my mid 30's and barely have a relationship with her because of it. I just don't know what to do with my BF. Every time he has an episode he runs away from me and talking about it. It is getting more repetitive and happening weekly. We broke up the beginning of the summer and I took him back just over a month ago and he's at it again and spiraling. I caught him drinking vodka out of a brown bag when I ran into the store and quickly came back to car a week and a half ago. Then Saturday night we went to a Halloween party and I had to bring him home at 10pm because he couldn't carry on a conversation and couldn't stand up straight. I hadn't even finished 2 glasses of wine and we were only there and hour and a half. We went home and I tried to talk about it and he grabbed his things and ran out the door like he always does. I haven't heard from him since. I'm numb to it now because it happens so frequently. I can't live like this. I feel like the only thing to do is reach out to his family, who have no clue about this and none of them drink, so they can have an intervention. I know he'll probably never talk to me but if I don't try something it's going to take something bad happening again to wake him up. He's already had 2 dui's in the past 5 yrs and lost his teaching license. What do I do????

DesertEyes

Hello Lucy, and pleased to "meet" you

Yes it is. There is a _lot_ that you can do. However, as a general rule, what is most helpful tends to be the _opposite_ of what would be helpful in any other problem.

We have a group of "sticky posts" that deal with exactly this question. This post is a good place to start:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

From there you can browse thru more detailed discussions here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

You have already acomplished the most difficult step, which is to reach out for help. We have a large amount of information here, and a lot of it will apear contradictory at first. If it gets a bit confusing as you browse thru all the posts please feel free to ask anything.

I am sorry you had to find us, but I am glad that you did.

Mike

Lucylettinggo

Thank you Mike! I appreciate the support and advice

Ambuler

It depends....does he have a decent relationship with his family? Is there a sibling of his that he is close to that you could approach first? His family may not know that his problem is that bad and they could possibly react badly toward him, which would definitely not help matters. If he feels the need to numb with alcohol, there is a reason behind it, possibly family related, but I'm just speculating. Alcoholics don't become that way because it's fun, believe me. There is usually a deep hurt somewhere that alcohol is temporarily numbing....I know that you feel helpless, and it's a horrible place to be, but in my experience the only thing that got my attention in the end was my husband putting his foot down and separating himself from me. He basically left me to ruin my own life, and stopped allowing me to ruin his. It brought me to my knees. No pleading, reasoning, or arguing with me about my drinking did anything to make me see that I was killing myself and ruining my life. I would suggest you doing the same. If he loves you, you separating yourself from the situation, even temporarily, will definitely get his attention. Don't stay in the situation if he's not willing to change and not embarrass you or hurt you with his alcoholism. If you feel that you can talk to his family and they are willing to try and get through to him, it wouldn't hurt, I suppose. But please focus on you. He'll get the message. And if he doesn't, he's not worth the struggle. He can't see past himself as long as he's still abusing alcohol, which means he's not focused on caring about you and you're well-being, only on his.

Berrybean

I've heard it said (and think it true) that getting sober is like learning to balance on, and ride a bike. No matter how much you love someone - would even give your life for them - everyone has to get on their own bike and learn for themselves. You can't make him do this. And his family won't be able to either, even if you do tell them (I suspect they already have an idea, esp if he's got himself a couple of DUIs).

In AA (and in Al Anon - who would be helpful for you both for current issues around your BF but also past issues around your mother) we use the serenity prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to to change the things I can: And the wisdom to know the difference." Mostly, the things we cannot change are other people and their actions. If he wants a drink, then he'll take one. Getting sober will be hard for him, and there's no way he can do it unless he wants to. The thing you can change is whether you get taken hostage by his alcoholism. You say it's a deal breaker, yet you're still there. I would say, rescue yourself. This relationship is in early days, and walking away will cause minimal harm. It may sound harsh, but my advice (as an alcoholic in recovery) is: Run. Run like the wind.

Lucylettinggo

Everything you are saying is spot on. I am scared to reach out to his family because I'm not sure how they will react. His parents aren't very supportive and have been very hard on him over the years, could be big or small part of it. I thought About reaching out to his brother in law first who I'm very comfortable with. This is going to open a whole can of worms. Just trying to figure out if it's my place to do so. I don't want to make matters worse. I know contacting them will result in him never talking to me again but I'm willing to do so if I know it will help him because I truly love and care for him.

Ambuler

Very well put. Have to agree.

Berrybean

It might be a loving, caring act, but the truth of the matter is that they are as powerless to help him as you are. So you would be opening a can of worms and causing hard feelings for what?

happybeingme

If you know that his relationship with his family is less than ideal why would you even think of involving them in his problem? Do you think everything will just magically get better and they will suddenly support him? Talking to anyone in his family could cause him to completely withdraw from all of them.

If he refuses to accept he has a problem, and two dui's and loss of teaching license is a huge problem than there is nothing you can do. You need to understand no one has loved an alcoholic into recovery. If people could there would be no alcoholism. He may not ever seek recovery. All you can do is accept what is and decide if that is what you want in your life.

JK130

If his "grabbing his things and running away" means he's driving drunk, please let the authorities help before someone is hurt.

dandylion

Lucy.....first of all.....Welcome! I'm glad you have found us in your difficult time.....

I also like that you are getting some input from recovering alcoholic, also......that is always a good shot of reality, I think......especially, if they are well along in the recovery process.....

On the issue of telling his family.....as I see it, that is a delicate question.....a complicated one with a multitude of factors to be considered.
Because you know all the factors (I assume)....or, at least some of the variables...lol.....and, I do not---I cannot advise on that. The best I can do is to point out some of the things for you to consider.....

I sounds like you have been in this relationship for a relatively short time (in the big picture of your lifetime)...and, I assume, that there are no children involved.....???
A lot depends on how open or close or trusting your relationship with them is.....or, not.....

I will say a few things, from m y own experience with families....
Not in every case, but, in most.....your will likely be the messenger that gets shot. If you are a part of his life...they will likely see you as a p art of h is "problem", by association.
For sure, he will project you in an unfavorable light--to them-- if push comes to shove. Alcoholics in the grip of the disease always deflect the blame onto others.
Often times, the rescuer becomes the "victim" in the end.....so, what I am saying is this: before you go into the kitchen.....make sure that YOU can take the heat....

dandylion

SeriousKarma

Hi Lucy, and welcome to the forum.

I don't think I've ever met an alcoholic that didn't know they were an alcoholic. In fact, I don't think I've ever met an alcoholic that didn't know about AA, or Rehab, or the concept of "quiting".

I have, however, met many, many loved ones (myself included) that didn't fully understand the concepts of co-dependency, detachment, and boundaries. Or that there are tools and support out there that offer help to us, the family and friends of alcoholics.

He knows he's an alcoholic. Whether or not you contact his family, the result is probably going to be the same: He's not going to quit drinking until he wants to quit drinking. And it doesn't appear he'll be wanting that soon.

In the meantime, there you are, reacting to his actions. Putting a disproportionate amount of your time and energy into trying to solve the problems of a man who clearly doesn't want his problems solved.

I can see you're a caring, intelligent woman, with so much to offer. Have you thought about re-channeling that time and energy into yourself? Many of us here have benefited greatly from attending Alanon, or similar support groups. Especially those here that grew up with alcoholic parents. There's also a book called CoDependent No More that comes highly recommended.

These, along with reading the stickies that DesertEyes suggested, are some proactive things that you can do right away to channel that beautiful energy of yours. And of course, continue posting here. SR is a wonderful place for support and knowledge.

Shake909

Hello Lucy - I am in a very similar situation to you and the advice already given above has been spot on.

I get on with my AG's family very well, and I approached her sister. They don't live in the area so my G's alcoholic crimes are very well hidden from them most of the time. The sister admitted I wasn't the first to approach her about the matter - and she has since been liaising with their father who is obviously very concerned.
Unfortunately - other than giving me slight peace of mind that I haven't got it completely wrong - no good has really come of it.
So my point is if you are not on really good terms with his family, I would be very careful.

And as someone has already mentioned - the likelihood is you will already have been portrayed as an 'enemy' to them so that they take his side when push comes to shove.

Good luck

LexieCat

Hi, Lucy,

I can tell you what helped in the case of my first husband. A friend of mine who was sober in AA gave me her copy of the Big Book for us to read. I read it, loaned it to him. He saw himself in those pages. It was a few months before he was ready to surrender (he tried to quit on his own, went to a meeting, continued to drink for a while), but after I said I needed a break from the relationship, he went to AA on his own and got sober. That was 35 years ago and he hasn't picked up a drink, and he still has that old Big Book.

Nobody can say, of course, that it would turn out that way with your boyfriend. My ex was obviously ready to quit. And I pretty much just stayed out of his way while he worked his program. I was DONE with dealing with his drinking, and if he'd gone back to it I don't think we would have lasted very long. He was ready to be done with it, too. He was only 20 when he got sober. He's had a great life, which he wouldn't otherwise have had.

So what the heck. Maybe pick up a copy of the BB, maybe ask him to read it with an open mind. From there, it's pretty much up to him.

Oh, and I agree that there is little point in involving his family unless there is an actual medical emergency. All you'd be doing is dragging them in to ease your own guilt about walking away. You have nothing to feel guilty about, though. You aren't obligated to do anything. If he wants to get sober, he can.

Eauchiche

Dear Lucy
This is my experience with approaching my mate's family:
I contacted his sister, the oldest sibling. She has been city manager and assistant to the mayor in some very large cities. I thought she had a good head on her shoulders. I thought we were good friends. I thought" surely she loves her little brother and doesn't want him to die of alcoholism." My mate and I had been separated 5 months at that time.

She told me she would call me back that evening to discuss it. That was 16 months ago. I have never heard from her. My separated mate told me she had called him instead and told him about my call to her.

Out of the fog, I started remembering that my mate had told me she was volunteering as a bartender at a VFW in the town she had gone to live.

I really wonder if there would be any alcoholics if it weren't for us codependents.

The only advice I have for you is to search your soul and ask yourself if you want to go down the road with your mate. Believe me, losing someone after 14 years is incredibly painful. Today is his 60th birthday, and later this month would have been our 16th anniversary.



Keep coming back.

AnvilheadII

it's entirely possible that his family DOES KNOW what is up with him and have chosen to DETACH - distancing themselves in the same way you have distanced from your mother.

his alcohol problem did not just pop during the course of your relationship, it LONG precedes you. what happens when you try to bring it up? he runs away. his ACTIONS are telling you that he doesn't want to hear it, doesn't want to talk about and doesn't want to address it.

you get decide what is best for YOU. is living with yet another alcoholic really it?

minime13

Going off the title of this thread - is it possible to help? Yes. It is. It's possible to help someone in this relationship, and that is you.

Your bf won't accept help until he's ready, and right now his running away and refusing to talk about it says that he's not ready.

Another thing to note - you've lived through the grief and pain of having an alcoholic as a loved one, and alcoholism is a deal breaker for you. That's your standard, and it's an understandable and very smart standard to have. One of the biggest problems I had in my former relationship with an alcoholic was lowering my own standards, because he had a problem I felt sympathetic to. In the end, though, that approach of lowing your standards to fit someone else's just puts you through more grief, and it ends up hurting both parties - you through having to go through the pain and turmoil the alcoholic doles out, and the alcoholic because those actions serve to enable.

Would you lower your standards and bend your deal-breakers with another partner?

I don't want to call an active alcoholic a lost cause or a futile fight, but they usually can't be pushed into something. He is aware there is a problem, otherwise he would talk about it.

I don't know if it would do anything positive to urge his family to get involved. On the other hand, if you are close with some of his family members and you decide to detach and step away from the relationship until he gets help, you can be honest with why you're doing that. A simple acknowledgement on that end may go further than bringing it up and urging them to do something.

Whatever you decide, please make sure your top priority is taking care of yourself.

FireSprite

Hey Lucy, glad you found us, there's a lot of great support & wisdom in these pages.

I' wondering how it is that you came to choose your login name for this site? I ask because I can't help but see the irony - your identity speaks of letting go & your words talk of holding on tightly. To me, that would be worth examining.

You've gotten excellent advice from great people. My only add-on would be to consider stepping back from ALL of it, all of "them", and start reading up on codependency & everything that goes along with it. As an adult child of an alcoholic you identify with being damaged by that dynamic, but have you spent any time learning about what it really means & finding all the ways it has likely affected every area of your life & relationships?

I know that for me, I could not contribute in a healthy way to my marriage if I hadn't stopped looking at him & his problems & started really addressing my own. And since I'm also an ACoA, I was horrified to find that I had brought a lot of baggage into my marriage & had in a lot of ways, shown him exactly how I *wanted* to be treated without any understanding of what I was doing. I was exerting tremendous energy holding up a lot of illusions in life & in my internal dialogue. We judge life happening around us through the lens of our cumulative past experiences; I found that I had to shatter that lens so that I could widen it & bring in new definitions, new ideas.

He's telling you, clearly, EXACTLY who he is & what he wants - he expresses zero desire to even discuss his drinking habits. Pinning him down to force sobriety would be like trying to nail jello to a tree.

As much as the idea sparks controversy, he does have the right to drink, he does have the right to live his life as an alcoholic. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our loved ones is to not assume that we know what is best for them & give them the dignity of finding their own bottom.