DoubleDragons

As I do some more self exploration on the role codependency plays in my life, I am becoming more and more aware of how much I have let other people and their moods and what happens to them, define me and my moods. About two years ago, I found a wonderful little clearance item at Barnes and Noble. (I went back and bought like 15 more once I realized what a valuable tool they are). It is journal, but unlike most others. The title of it is Building the Best You: A Two-year Discovery Journal by Caroline Harper. It is the first journal in my life that I have been able to consistently keep because it is short and simple. You answer six basic questions about your day and the space is very small where to write. The following year is right next to it, so it becomes very easy to spot trends.

Anyway, I was glancing through my journals that I have kept for over two years and I was thunderstruck by a pattern, that I imagine many of us do here as codependents. One of the questions is "What did I feel today?" Any time I listed negative emotions I would look at what had gone on that day and without almost any exception, my feelings were based entirely on other people's (my close family and friends) days and events and emotions or based on negative things other people had done (i.e. my mother being drunk) or the moods that they were in (ie. my husband being grumpy about his day at work). I am so less in touch with my feelings than I ever imagined.

So, I am at a really good starting point to get more in touch with my feelings and I hope that this helps some of you on your journey to better understand yourselves.

schnappi99

I know something of what you mean. I have tended to have just a few feelings; frustration, resentment (or anger depending on how recent the provocation), neutral, gratified. Where I was in that list mostly seemed to depend on how what other people did to fit in with my preferences, the closer emotionally to me the more complex the fit. My 5th step work shows a pattern of that kind of thing all the way back to at least a teenager.. really I thought that was just what emotions were. I was absolutely blind and ignorant about how involved I am in how they come and go and what I do accordingly- and more importantly what I'm doing to others around me with them.

In some ways my relationship maturity stalled as an early teen when I started fantasizing about girls- certainly much of my pre-recovery sex ideal was also formed back then and its all kind of stuck that way until very recently. 30+ years of emotional inertia and habit takes a while to overcome. Sometimes the best I can manage is to accept that my mind gets disturbed and be content with not taking up the old obsessions & triggering myself. Other days theres some clarity and empathy and understanding and I can confidently do better.

FireSprite

Sounds like a real AHA moment! Isn't it strange to see something like that & wonder how you could not KNOW something SO BIG about yourself?

I love the sound of this journal, gonna have to keep an eye out for that!