Lucylettinggo

Does everyone really think walking away without telling his family is best? They have no clue. I don't want to do it to help myself I truly want to help him even the slightest bit..

LexieCat

You don't know they don't have a clue. They may have been dealing with this for a very long time. And even if they don't, what would be accomplished by telling them? They are just as powerless over his drinking as you are. They can't force him into rehab. If he decides he needs help, he can reach out to them or to AA on his own.

Lucylettinggo

This all has been helpful. I just want to read as many replies as possible in hopes of a different answer. Silly me

DesertEyes

What folks have shared here is just their personal opinion. The only person who can decide what is the best course of action for you to take is _you_. All we can offer you is different perspectives so you can have more choices to pick from.

Do you have to make a decision right this minute? Perhaps you can decide not to decide. Take some time to learn more about the disease in general. Maybe attend a few meetings of al-anon. After you've done that you will be much better informed and you can make a decision.

Regardless of what anybody says to you, whether in real life or on the web, it is _you_ that knows your BF and his family. You are the one that has to feel comfortable with whatever decision you make.

Mike

Lucylettinggo

You are right, I'm not in hurry. I think taking time is best. I haven't slept in days trying to figure out what to do. I haven't heard from him since Saturday and I have t reached out. Just concerned about him and want to do what I can to help with the best of intentions. Thank you for the support and insight Mike.

dandylion

Lucy......if you look very carefully....I said in my post that you should use your OWN judgement of what to do.....I just gave some "heads up" about what could possibly happen.....
I believe that people should always use their o wn best judgement.
It is o.k. to search around and take in all the data that you wish.....and then process that data and reach your own conclusion.....
Isn't that what we all do anyway?
I think that it is human nature to search for opinions that support our already formed beliefs......

On the other hand (I am being the devil's advocate, here).....how would it work out if everyone came to this forum for help----and, then said : "This is what I want you all to tell me".........

dandylion

chardis

Hi Lucy,

I agree with most replies and wanted to quote;
All the very best.

honeypig

I don't think there is a single soul on this forum who hasn't been exactly in this place, Lucy...I know I certainly have!

I'd absolutely agree w/those saying that telling his family seems fruitless, both b/c A) this is likely no surprise to them, and B) they can't change him any more than you can. If it blows up in your face and you are made out to be the problem, are you prepared to handle that? Families will "circle the wagons" when an outsider points out a problem in a family member. Reading around the forum will show you that this happens fairly often in such situations.

I believe you mentioned an intervention, but I don't know that that is a realistic hope, either in terms of it happening at all, or in terms of it actually changing him.

Alanon and extensive reading here are by far the best idea, I think. The more you learn about alcoholism and alcoholics, the better equipped you'll be to make a decision you feel right about.

Best wishes, Lucy.

redatlanta

Sometimes we play Devil's advocate on all fronts - such as what if you say nothing? has your mind wandered to guilt? Have you thought that his family might be angry with you for not letting them know if something bad were to happen to your BF?

I don't think there is a right answer to this problem, but there could be a right solution for you. Perhaps focusing on the dynamics of your relationship with him, what he is doing, how he is behaving, and how that affects yours more important than trying to determine if telling his family is something you should do. What are you doing for yourself? You bf has disappeared for days again after another night of too much drinking resulting in you having to babysit him again. How is this relationship affecting YOU?

All too often we codies put the needs and welfare of the alcoholic above our own. This is not a good thing. Not making this decision right now is very good advice, frankly you have more pressing things to be concerned about like do you want to continue a relationship with an active alcoholic that is causing you much stress?

Ambuler

Excellent points. Please consider both. We all care, and that's why we're saying what we are saying. I feel that I am blessed with this point of view, being an alcoholic myself, to be able to give an inside point of view to what needs to be done in a situation as yours. We, struggling alcoholics, are very broken, selfish people. We need a situation that makes us extremely uncomfortable to wake us up to our detriment. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't doubt at all that you love your boyfriend. Just realize that there comes a point that there is nothing else YOU can do but what you have, and you need to try to be ok with that. Love yourself. You are obviously an awesome person to even be on a forum like this asking for help for your boyfriend's situation. It's up to him now.

fluffyflea

Try some Alanon meetings, read Co Dependent No More and Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew.

Take care of yourself.

Lucylettinggo

Thank you everyone. You have really helped me the past few days. Although I haven't slept much I am doing pretty good. I am ready to let go and leave it up to him. I've done all I can. I can't chase him or beg him to come back anymore and I haven't heard from him in over 5 days. I know this is for the best. I'm going to pray for the both of us. I have read all the Codependent No More books and a handful of others over the years. I think I'll Reread them and go back to alanon. Take care Xo

honeypig

Lucy, I'm glad you found help here. Your plan to re-read books that you found helpful in the past is a good one; I find that I can re-read something later and understand it in a new way as well as finding things that I could swear were not in it when I first read it!

And Alanon, IMHO, is always a strong choice.

Please feel free to keep on reading/posting here as much or as little as you find helpful. I wish you all the good in the world!