honeypig

Shake, thanks for the update. It sounds like you've set some boundaries for yourself, and that is always a good move.

I'm sorry you felt that you "had to speak out before you were ready" at your Alanon meetings. It is perfectly acceptable to say "I'm glad to be here, and I will just listen for tonight" if you are asked to share and don't wish to. If you do indeed go back, and I hope you do, feel free to use that line or one like it.

Again, glad you came back here to let us know how it's going. Like they say in Alanon, "keep coming back!"

Shake909

Thanks for that NI. I've just finished reading your two threads - I found myself wondering if I had written some of it myself, UNBELIEVABLY similar incidents we've both had to put up with.
I also had to witness my gf kissing another guy in front of me because she was so drunk. I also had to literally carry her away.
I've also caught her messaging ex-bfs and other random guys.
I had the same false promises; lies; zero-empathy; crazy incidents etc (even had a suicide bluff on my answer machine one morning). Lent her money to sort her constant financial mess out.

And do you know what - I think you are right in that it's a severe case of narcissism too. Always just looking after number one - no regards or thought for those around them, unless they are feeding the A drink or drugs.

Luckily I didn't live with her - although she had mentioned it a lot in recent months. That would've been an absolute car crash.

I also get frustrated in that I put up for it and didn't walk away sooner. I think I was addicted to the affection from a very good looking lady, the texts/calls that made me think she was head over heals in love with me - but I see that most of the affection must've been fake.

But I do see that I need to learn from my mistakes and not ignore early red flags. I've had my head in the sand - not as much as hers but I fell for it all hook line and sinker.

Now where's that guy who can decrypt BS emails/text messages? He was a genius!

Liveitwell

^^ ha! Yes-the narc decoder or alcoholc decoder. All messages sent from my ex are input into my decoders. Usually what comes out is "I'm lying. Blah, blah, blah".

noinsanity2423

Yeah! It's unbelievable how similar A's are to each other. I have a new best friend at work that was in a similar situation to ours. His ex wife does/says the same things. It's almost like they are reading from the same playbook. He just has the misfortune of still having to deal with her because of their daughter. Honestly, this could have been a lot worse if marriage and children were involved. This was a life lesson for us. It's really important to learn it now because repeating it with the ex or someone else would mean that it's worse next time.

It's good that you realize that there was something about her that drew you in. The affections I received also drew me in. It really just seemed magical. However, that's part of the trap. Abusers have to be overwhelmingly charming to lure in a victim. There was enough good there to draw you in and keep you there as long as you were. You can't have the good you had with your ex without also having the bad. You fell for it because you didn't know any better. Everybody makes mistakes. The smart ones learn from them. Congratulations on having the courage and foresight to get out before it got much worse.

angrywife232310

People with allergy to peanuts do not manipulate and destroy the lives of others around them.

noinsanity2423

My ex was allergic to avocados and cats, but I didn't leave her for those. Maybe she would have been a better person if she was allergic to alcohol and drugs, too.

Liveitwell

Yep ^

Shake909

Emotions all over the place today - but I know it's all part of the process.

There's a lot of anger and frustration. Mainly due to how I have been treated when I only offered love and support. I can honestly say I had less drama when I had girlfriends as a teenager.
I want to stop thinking about it and move on but my mind is going around in damn circles!
I don't want to hear from her yet I keep looking at my phone every time it vibrates and hope it's her.
I want an apology but then I feel thats just being selfish and should concentrate on family/friends etc instead
I don't want to talk about her yet here I am bashing away at the keyboard venting right now : )

Had a final chat with her sister yesterday - who I got on very well with and is fully aware of what I was dealing with.
Turns out she didn't even go to her friends funeral last week (she told me she did of course), because she was on it the night before...
I've kind of passed the baton to her with regards to trying to sort her sister out but advised her to do some serious research on the matter first, told her a sit down/chat is not going to cut it.

Shame there isn't a drug (or drink) out there that instantly makes us forgive and forget in a flash!

Ally89

I have said that so many times- they get it so easy, they can just move on and I wish there was a way I could do the same. But actually when you think about it there is NO WAY I would want that life for myself. They live in a web of lies, where they even lie and manipulate their own families. Completely devoid of morality and character, that is no way to live, it is not living it is merely existing and it seems as if your XAGF is not doing a particularly good job at even that.

You have an opportunity to learn from this and do better next time. You should feel hurt, angry and betrayed for being abused as you have been. Shame on her.

I would suggest blocking her number. I read a lot about this when I first joined the forum and it took me a while to be able to do it. But when you read about what may follow it is worth it. Either she will come back with more manipulation which will set you back, or she will completely ignore you and move on which will hurt even more. I have even seen some getting 'accidentally' sent messages meant for new partners which again are attempts to manipulate and abuse you. As we have seen the patterns are all the same so this is what you are looking at. I didn't want to gamble with any of them so blocked any means of him communicating with me.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Bird615

I am sorry for what you are going through.

The most painful periods of my life were when I was an active alcoholic. The second most painful was the 6 years of living with one while I was sober.

It really was like being with 2 different people: "Mr. Charming" and "The Meanest Mouth In (my city)".

I was told in a family program dealing with addictions to leave him but it took me a few more years of heartache to be ready to do that. I tried AlAnon on and off and learned all I could about codependency and what helped me decide were questions like would my life be better with or without him and if it was going to hurt if I stayed and it was going to hurt if I left, then why not choose the hurt that was going to get me to a better place in the long run?

I had to cut off all contact when I finally left for the last time; I was so afraid he would talk me into coming back (he'd done it before and had even stopped drinking long enough for me to take him back).

It was very hard to do; he accused me of abandoning him, but I knew by then that I'd done all I could and it was now a matter of saving myself. I feel profound relief still today that I don't have to live like that anymore.

You will now have a chance for something better for yourself.

GoesWithTheFlow

Shakes, you made the right decision. Me being the male version of your girl I can tell you that no matter what you say or try to do if it doesn't come from her it is all worthless. She has to want to stop. She hasn't hit bottom yet but the way she is living she will get there real soon if it doesn't kill her.

My gf stuck around with me I have no idea why (looks maybe, the good times maybe, I really don't know). She threaten me with leaving but she never did. At one point I really didn't care if she left. I even told her my plans after we both moved on from our long relationship. She has suffered lots because of me. I advised many times, when I was sober, for her to leave me but she didn't listen. She is a positive person and bounces back from everything quick; probably why she has been able to put up with my bs for so long. I am lucky and blessed to have her now (I guess I don't have such bad luck after all).

Don't worry bro, beautiful woman are plenty. Keep dating and you will find the one for you without excess baggage. Good luck to you and keep your head up.

noinsanity2423

^^
THIS.

I totally second blocking any and all communcation you have with her. There's a high probability that she may do something even crazier to draw you back in, make you jealous, or get even. You did the only thing you could do to win the game: you stopped playing. It gets worse when one tries to leave because the addict has lost control. She can still damage you with her texts, emails, etc. She could send you photos or messages "accidentally" that she wanted to send someone else. She'll try everything in her playbook. If she completely ignores you, then consider that a blessing.

It may also be worth mentioning that you may consider blocking any friends and/or family that could tie you to her. Even if there is someone that understands you, it may not be safe to keep talking to them. Addiction is a family disease. The addicts exist because someone else enables them. Hence, the codependents in the family that enabled the alcoholic are often just as sick as the alcoholic. It was only until after I got out of the relationship with my ex that I realized how quickly her mother pushed us into getting a house after we got engaged. (Fortunately, I left before that happened.) She gave me no "talk" when I asked to marry her daughter. She just said, "Take her!" That...should have set off alarm bells.

If you're not careful, there's a real danger that the family may try to draw you back in because you've been taking her weight off their shoulders. I've read at least one story of an alcoholic family trying to do that to someone on here. The only safe way out is to build your walls as high as possible. You don't owe her family anything at this point. You already did more than any one person should by being loving and supportive despite her hurtful behavior to you. It's time to take care of yourself.

Your mind is going to go in circles for a while. I had the same problem, and, sometimes, it's still a struggle for me. Our brains were programmed to keep us attached to those we care about. Basically when that happens your mind is going on a withdrawal from her much like an alcoholic has a withdrawal from the drink when getting sober. Eventually, your mind will adjust to life without her, and it honestly does get better with time.

You're doing good by coming on here and writing about it. Journaling, writing, and reading these posts in the forums helped me understand and process what happened. I hope it works for you as well.

Shake909

Many thanks for your wise words people - I am eternally grateful for you taking the time to respond and I can tell you I would be in a lot worse a place mentally if I wasn't getting such sound advise from those that have been there and those who are talking from experience as being an alcoholic, it's priceless info to me.

I think you guys are right about the number blocking. In previous relationships, I have learnt zero contact is the only way to heal quicker. And with most I have salvaged a friendship 6 months - 1 year down the line after the initial pain has passed (I always think 'why the heck not' - if it didn't end badly then it's a good thing to at least remain amicable, and I've got genuine decent friends from ex GFs).

All was silent up until earlier, 3:21AM to be precise. The messages didn't make much sense. She has been hitting the drink & coke so hard recently she literally goes insane - it had become very disturbing to witness.
Due to me falling for her badly it's definitely set me back a couple of paces. The ridiculous thing is (as someone has already pointed out) I am addicted to her affection/contact which I can see is MY problem... seeing her name on my phone was like a temporary high even though I know full darn well it's just the crazy train passing through again.
I think I'll set myself a boundary, if I get any more then I'll send her a message telling her I'm going to have to block her for X reason(s)

Due to her sister and Dad being really good to me (her Dad is literally almost sick with worry) - I genuinely don't feel they'd manipulate me in any way, so will leave my door open to them. But given how the last convo went with her sister I think they respect the fact that I'm no longer with her so will leave me be.

Soldiering on...

redatlanta

I think I'll set myself a boundary, if I get any more then I'll send her a message telling her I'm going to have to block her for X reason(s) You have the reason now. Must you get ONE more message at 3:21 am before you decide to block?

You are still waiting for an apology that won't come. You don't need to notify her you have blocked her - that's just a reason to start communication.

NC would be the best thing to do for you now, not later.

LadyinBC

Being an alcoholic one of the mottos I set for myself was that no person, place, situation will ever be more important than my sobriety. I've had to let go of people and places I use to go to. It makes me take a good look at myself to determine if I am holding on to something or someone that isn't good for me.

This really does hold true for any addiction.

Personally I think you made a good decision leaving this relationship. Alcoholism is progressive and normally gets worse before it gets better.

noinsanity2423

Hey Shake!

I don't know her family well enough to know if they would try to draw you in. It's up to you if you think it's necessary to block them, too. I would just suggest being cautious as blood is thicker than water in these cases. They have been nice to you so far while dating her, but there is the chance that they could turn on a dime with 9 cents change. Your sobriety and recovery from this girl must be a priority above all else if you want to survive.

I totally get how alcohol and coke makes people crazy. My ex did both of those things as well, and I have yet to decide whether her on withdrawal or actively using was worse. Needless to say, the only way out is to go cold turkey, so if you have to block her number, you can. Someone else pointed out that you may be waiting for an apology that will never come, and they are right. I waited, too, until I gave it up and cut her off from my life. She's not trying to fix herself, so she can only get worse from here.