HisSecretLife

I wish there were a way to have a vote here,

But what I want to know is this:
For those of you who couldn't handle you alcoholic spouse any longer, when you gave them the ultimatum of "Me or Alcohol"
How many peoples spouse

1. Quit drinking indefinitely
2. Quit drinking for a long time
3. Quit drinking momentarily
4. Quit drinking for a few days and blamed you for returning to the drink
5. Pretended to quit and lied
6. Refused to quit and left

???!?!

I just really want to know what kind of an outcome I can expect should I find myself ready to take a stand

LexieCat

A poll won't tell you anything. The fact that you're asking the question indicates you're hoping that by giving the "right" ultimatum, you can control the outcome.

You seem to think an ultimatum has to precede leaving. I left when *I* had enough. That's it, I was done. My leaving wasn't dependent on what he did or didn't do.

My suggestion is that you do what you need to do for yourself. If you need to leave, leave. But don't threaten to leave in the hopes of getting him to do something. Most of the time, if an ultimatum has any APPARENT effect, it is a temporary one, intended to prevent you from leaving.

What do you WANT to do? For yourself--not to change someone else?

ladyscribbler

I did a trial separation with my ex.,he was supposed to be getting treatment, etc. He lied and pretended he had quit so I would come back. Then I left for good because my boundary was "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism."
He kept drinking after I left, kept finding new enablers.
I'm really glad I stuck to my boundary and quit letting my life revolve around his disease. My only real regret is not doing it years sooner.

Liveitwell

Again-Lady took the words out of my mouth. I 100% echo every word. I too was promised "I'm sober and recovered, blah, blah, I'll never hurt you again, blah , blah, I'm so sorry how I've treated you and our kids God blessed me with, blah, blah". I didn't buy it and proceeded with the divorce. That was almost a year ago and he has only escalated his abuse and turned into a bigger monster. Best thing I ever did was listen to God and protect myself and our kids. God made me their momma for a reason-to stand up for them and be their voice. You do what you need to do-regardless of him.

LemonGirl

There is a post rolling around the other side of the forums about this... there are a lot of people speaking and saying 'thank God I had a partner who said "me or alcohol".'

Not sure of what the sats are though, considering that other thread. Because on this side of the forums, I mostly hear how there is nothing but relapse and heartache and lies and manipulation....

My abf recently relapsed after 105 days sober. I haven't broken it off, yet. Nor have I given an ultimatum. I simply asked him to believe me that I do have my limits and that I even though I love him dearly, I will leave.
I can tell that he isn't serious about staying sober because he has yet to look up AA meetings and make a plan. And really, it's none of my business. So I am just kind of formulating what I want to do.
I have some idea of it. I do think that within the next week or so I need to admit that I am only willing to actually be in a relationship with him if he is working on recovery. That's not an ultimatum; that is just where I am at personally with this whole alcoholism thing. And if he chooses not to, I will be heart broken, but I will have to stick to what I said.

sucky....

HisSecretLife

I was actually hoping by opening this thread that people might read others experiences and come to some realizations themselves.

I am not ready to make any moves in my life towards distancing myself from my spouse. Right now I am focusing completely on improving my emotional stability. When I get that all sorted out, then I will be confronting the issue head on- I will question if this is something I can live with while maintaining my happiness.

Until then, I hope this thread gives others who are ready to make a decision some perspective. I hope when I am ready I can gain some understanding for people's individual experiences.

I'm also curious what the norm is for staying vs leaving. What I expect to see from this thread is that in the majority of cases, the spouse did not quit, and the only solution was to learn to live with it (PLEASE if this is you SHARE how you learned to live with it- what you tell yourself everyday, your coping mechanisms, your mindset, your hobbies and social activities etc) or to leave.

For those who had a spouse that chose the relationship over alcohol- what kind of a person are they? How did you approach the subject of them quitting? What have you changed in your life to better support them?

LemonGirl

Oh my sweet SR friend, there is no learning to live with it because it is progressive...... BUT, if you are not ready to leave, then that is OKAY. You have to judge for yourself where your limit is and what you are willing to deal with. But for your sake, and especially your emotional health, please be aware that true healing cannot begin until you get some real distance from the situation at hand, whether that be you or him leaving, or him getting sober.....

Until then, detach, detach, detach.

esinger

OK, From the "AH". My wife filed for a divorce almost 3 years ago. I have been sober for the same amount of time. I'm still married. Knew I needed to clean up anyway. Just needed a slap in the face to get me to take action.
The answer on this forum is always "dump him". Everyone has there faults. People can turn things around given a good enough reason and the chance.
Ha, AH, my wife uses the acronym in a completely different manor than it's used here but quitting drinking doesn't cure everything.

Mags1

Hi HSL, I was the alcoholic in my marriage. I drank for years, carried on a normal life too, or as normal as I thought!

My husband put up with a lot. He started to have his own life and hobbies. I carried on drinking. Getting wasted most nights, crashing out on the sofa.

We had a big row one day and he left . When I got sober I seemed to wake up. I saw for the first time in my life what I had become, who I was, yes I had a job, was a wife, cooked, cleaned etc, on the outsides seemed ok, but our home life wasn't good for my husband. Why he put up with me for do long, only he knows why.

Anyway, I stopped drinking, I made that decision whether he came back or not. I had to learn to live without using the prop of booze and it was worth it. There is so much more life without alcohol induced. My life is calmer, more fulfilling.

My husband did come back, after just a week gone I sent him an email that we should meet to talk. I wanted to decide what to do with the house if he was leaving for good, sort out legal stuff. I didn't expect him back so soon and on insight I should have told him to stay away for a while longer but it is his house too.

It took a long while to learn to live without alcohol,I'm found SR and it helped me immensely with my recovery.

I won't condone any of us addicts, why some of us stop and many dont, many don't make it back from their addiction. Every story is different but all similar.

ladyscribbler

If you want experiences from people who live/cope long term with an active alcoholic spouse, then an Alanon meeting is probably your best bet. Most of the people I know in that situation are elderly housewives with no real option but to stay married. They basically just have their own life, completely separate from their husband. Most of them devote all their time to hobbies- scrapbooking, crocheting and the like. Their husband is there, but he's not a real partner, just someone in the house they have to deal with and work around. He drinks in front of the TV and they retreat to their sewing room or whatever.

Katchie

Yeah, not sure how a poll of this nature would work or if its even necessary. Everyone has given excellent points.
I did tell my stbxah that i wouldn't live in an alcohlic home anymore. I did tell him that if he drinks, I leave. Before I could say something like that I knew in my heart I meant it. I could never say such a thing if I didn't mean it or it would send the wrong message and my word would mean nothing.
Once he did it again and I told him not to come home, I soon learned what it felt like to have peace and unfortunately for him, peace won. It has nothing to do with "dumping" him, as someone suggested seems to be the running theme on this forum. Divorce was the very last thing I ever wanted, but I truly cannot and won't ever live that way again. My mental and physical wellbeing depend on it.

maia1234

I gave xah ultimatum after 34 years together. He never gave it a thought chose alcohol. I left.

honeypig

When I told XAH that I was going to file for divorce in the spring of 2013, at first he said nothing. I left to go to the store for something and came back to find him in tears, promising to get sober. I did not file, hoping he might be telling the truth. That July, I did something I'd never done before or since--I looked for bottles. Yep, still drinking. He promised that THIS time it was FOR REAL. Went to meetings and drank secretly. Not surprisingly, things did not improve much on his end.

During this time, I'd found Alanon and SR and had learned a lot. In November 2014, after much agonizing, I decided to file for divorce. His response, after almost 19 years of marriage, 21 years together and all of the life experiences that that entails, was "well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do."

I did not say I was filing hoping to "make" him get sober. I was filing b/c he had proven time and time again that I could not trust him, and I did not want to be legally tied to someone living a life that I knew nothing about. But even so, his response floored me. Really? That's all you have to say? You don't have any other thoughts or feelings you'd like to express?

If you'd like to see the progression of things over that 2-1/2-year period, just left click on my name in any post I've made, then choose "find all threads started by honeypig." You might find some use in my story, and you will definitely find use in the words of wisdom and good solid advice others posted in those threads.

Hangnbyathread

Mine was a 3 and 5. I suspect she started drinking before she finally admitted it again. I'm sure she quit when she saw the house was on fire (I was leaving her), then when I remained because she said she quit, the beginning drinking again was just another manipulation. She got the house fire put out, now she can start sneaking it in again.

dandylion

Just for the record.....my alcoholic (a relative) left and continued to drink.

LOl...I get it, why you would want a "poll", emotionally. I believe that a person should look for all information that they can get...no matter where and how they do it. You are going through a process....
You are doing critical thinking about things that effect your welfare....

I will add my 2 cents about statistics...or averages ...or mean distributions....
They can be useful in certain situations and for certain purposes, for sure....
However, when looking at o ne individual.....you can throw them out the window....especially if you are looking for a specific answer about a specific individual....

As much as we are alike....we are even MORE different (thank God).....

dandylion

dandylion

lmaoI have just got to share with you....an experience that I had with statisticians.
When I was quite young....I was in the healthcare field...and, I worked at NIH with a team of researchers which was comprised of several doctoral statisticians (they were the sweetest people and treated me like I was their daughter).
Now, I didn't know a statistic from a hole in the ground.
I remember saying to them...."If I told you that my head fell off and rolled down the hill, this m orning...you all would ask: "what were the variables?".

CodeJob

Mark Twain said it best, 'There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.'

Eauchiche

Not only did I have to separate from my mate, who never quit, I have let a lot of friends go who wanted to "keep me drinking." Sobriety bugs an awful lot of people on many fronts.
I have come to believe that my mental and spiritual health are more important than some relationships.

LexieCat

Here's one way to think about it. Suppose your husband came to you and said, "You better stop X [insert something incredibly important to you--your job, your hobby you'd rather do than anything else in the world, spending time with your family], or I'm leaving. Choose. Me or X."

You'd probably be terribly offended and angry at this attempt to control you. You'd probably think, "Well, if he doesn't want me the way I am, screw him."

You gotta understand, that's how MUCH alcoholics need alcohol. It isn't just annoying behavior or a bad habit. It's something they NEED in order to feel NORMAL. Without it, they are "restless, irritable, and discontent," as they say in the Big Book.

When you look at it that way, the reaction to ultimatums makes a little more sense.

healthyagain

You might get quite disappointed if you believe that the ultimatum will indeed make him stop drinking. It is more probable that he will be hiding alcohol better, or lie about it.

I was telling mine for years that I would leave, file for divorce, then I left, then I filed, and did his drinking change? Nope. It got worse. Way worse. The extent of his urge to drink is hard to comprehend. It is almost like telling someone, if you do not give up water, I'm leaving.

Now, I am happy I left, for myself. But was I shocked by his inability to control himself? Absolutely stunned.

If you set an ultimatum, do not have any great expectations. And also make sure you do what you say you gonna do.