Wisconsin

When my AH left town for work in the summer of 2013, I gave him a very half-a$$ed ultimatum when I essentially said I couldn't stay married to him if he was still drinking. He worked out of town for a year, which gave me time to get my own head on straight. By the time he was back home permanently, it was only a matter of months before I could tell I was done. And THEN it took another six months before I asked him to leave. And THEN it took me another two months to find my own place and move out. He knew I was leaving for a month before I actually moved. And now he periodically drops a comment about how he is still trying to "process all of this" and how he didn't have any time to get used to the idea before I moved out. *snort*

I did NOT help my own cause, or my children's cause, by issuing years' worth of wishy washy "ultimatums" that I never enforced. That whole approach only created more drama and more conflict that hurt my own self esteem and damaged my children's psyches.

wanttobehealthy

3, 4, 5

He would have stayed... I made him leave finally bc I was tired of living with his insanity and my own that was created by focussing on his drinking.

I dont understand at all how anyone can choose to stay sane while living with an alcoholic... But that's just me.

I like life without constantly worrying and wondering what lie was coming, when he'd humiliate myself or him etc...

Liveitwell

Thanks for posting, W. I did the same thing....glad to be free, finally!

atalose

I don’t believe the answer on SR is always “dump him”. Usually that suggestion comes after all else has failed and the individual has done as much as they could possible do and their situation has become unbearable and or abusive. OR when someone is in a fairly new relationship with an A and they are trying to hang on and fix that person.

All of the resources available to any individual are always suggested al-anon, nar-anon, therapy, counseling etc. to help them come to the best decision they can make with as much knowledge as possible.

I am glad that your wife filing divorce was the motivator for your sobriety but sadly that is not the norm. Men/woman leave behind loving spouses, children, family, friends, jobs – all good enough reasons!!!

And all too often it’s been chance after chance after chance before they finally have had enough and leave.

redatlanta

After a horrible, horrible night when my husband had relapsed for a couple of months he woke to me saying it was OVER. I didn't give a sh!t what happened to him and I told him that too. And I meant it at the time. GET OUT.

He promised me that he was done. Got back on the sober wagon. I stuck with Al Anon. Our marriage has grown into a wonderful partnership not only because he is sober, but because I worked on fixing me I had some major issues.

I started Al Anon before it came to all that. Thanks to SR I quit all the disastrous behavior like looking for bottles, monitoring, and trying to make him quit. I didn't have to live with his active alcoholism long - it was just a couple of months and he did really slide into the rabbit hole until the "horrible night". Nonetheless, I was aware that it was not going to maintain as it was which wasn't bad to be honest. What was bad is that he has chronic health issues due to alcoholism - this of course I knew. Each night he would drink I would think "is this going to be the day"? I would come home from work and coming up the elevator I would open the door with dread thinking "Did he get his drunk on and when I open the door he will be slumped over in a diabetic coma or dead"?

It was the above thoughts that had more to do with the axe rather than the "horrible night". Even though our circumstances included health issues, and not everyone has that, the fear, mind racing, wondering when and if it would reach next progression, etc. NO. I can't live like that.

I don't tell people to jump ship immediately (unless abuse involved); however, I will say that for the long term I do not believe it is possible to just live your life and be happy go lucky with an active alcoholic in your home. Detaching helps A LOT. It is not the end all be all. I can't tell you that your husband will go for recovery based on you drawing the line. What I can say is that unless you deal with your own issues it doesn't matter whether he does or not, the co-depency and enabling is just as sick as the alcoholism.. This is a great time for you to work on you.

Sotiredofitall

I'm one of those currently in a long term marriage (37 years). My husband is currently dry. The damage done to the marriage is extensive. We live more as roommates than as married folks. I won't allow myself to get closer as I've been through the repeated attempts to dry out. I have stated that I don't have it in me to go through another spiral to the active side. I keep myself separate because I feel that is just a drink away. My husband was never physically abusive, but I have been blamed for his drinking. I no longer accept that. I grew up in a very disfunctional home and was blamed for my dad's anger and drinking....I learned well how to accept blame and thats something I keep working on. I'm prepared for a life alone, whether its with him or away from him. My kids know and seem to understand what is going on. I'm a homebody. I learned very early on to be alone and have lived that way. I wish that had been a different experience but it was what it was when I was a child. If I were younger I would probably leave, but hindsight is 20/20. I don't know if this answers your question, but realize that a life spent watching an alcoholic drink is no life. Kids learn to accept what they live with and usually blame themselves for that disfunction. I've accepted my choices to stay (for the time being) We shall see where that leads.

hopeful4

Mine did #5.

We are divorced now. Thing about an ultimatium is that you better mean it, and I did.

Refiner

You forgot one that happens quite a lot... #7: Refused to quit and refused to leave

Wisconsin

Yep. That is the short version of my story. #7.

firebolt

I gave 1 half assed ultimatum.
He freaked out - called me all kinds of awesome names, got hammered for a few days, then:
3. Quit drinking momentarily
Then started hiding it.

I stayed - hoping he would see.

3 years later, he doesn't admit to me that he sees any problem with his drinking. I left - both of us know this is best, he can drink in peace and I can live in peace.

spedteach

If you give an ultimatum, you need to be prepared to follow through with it. When my AH was still actively drinking (Sober almost 10 months this time), I told him that if he got arrested on a DUI charge, I would NOT be bailing him out of jail and he'd have to stay there. I also told him that if he was in an accident or hurt or killed another person, not only would I NOT bail him out, I'd also file for divorce because I'm not going to have my life go down that horrible path because he made poor choices. While he's stopped drinking, I would have followed through with those for sure. he says I have ruined his view of unconditional love. I say I set boundaries and will live with those.

FireSprite

Here's probably the one reason that I'm *this much* happy that RAH was a secret drinker & I was completely naïve to his addiction: He identified as an alcoholic & sought help via AA before I connected the dots myself.

He ~quite literally~ left me standing in our bedroom, jaw on the floor still, after an hour+ of discussion about how he'd had that AHA moment talking to some friend-of-a-friend, as he left for his first AA meeting. I sat down beside my bed & stayed there for at least 30 minutes. I could not tell you what feeling I even had,... absolute lack of reaction, maybe slight shock. Stopped fully in my tracks as though I'd hit a brick wall head-on.

Then I started thinking & remembering & connecting & my brain didn't shut off for days. Days. Like a computer whirring, whirring, whirring.

I was already codie'd out enough chasing the behaviors. If I had connected it all together & had a face & a label & a name for the Beast? If I thought I could control it somehow? I shudder to think at how much farther I would have gone before Waking Up, because I was already SO sick. Codie behavior is really ugly feeling to me, very disingenuous because I am lying to both of us to justify myself - no different than what he's doing as an active addict. I was FAR more skilled in manipulation than he ever was. I was already knee-deep in phone records, credit & bank searching, nagging, receiving his emotional guilt via orchestrated fights that allowed him more room to drink, traffic/insurance issues, financial debts that were quickly overwhelming us, etc. but in terms of personal boundaries, I'm the one that crossed lines & invaded privacy; shifting blame to him for lying in the first place & "making me". In the last 2-3 months leading up to his AHA, things had escalated quickly but all I could see was each individual fire. I couldn't see that the entire forest was on fire.

Yes, this is the un-pollable question. Especially because you'd have to splinter your options to include far more criteria to try to make it apple to apple - how many deal with abuse? What kinds? How many partners are already financially independent & how many skip ultimatums because they aren't? Who's dealing with Narcissism or other dual-diagnoses? Who's got kids or not? Who's dealing with addiction in a non-partner; the siblings, parents, children, friends, & in-laws? Who's got an ACoA background & what part of the birth order/Role in the Dysfunctional Family did they have?

DoubleDragons

Let me tell you what I have witnessed watching my father, who after a lengthy discussion about my mom's alcoholism (one of many), announced to me that "I would NEVER leave your mother." My mother refuses to admit that she has a problem, even though she goes on benders at least once a week and is often so drunk by 10 a.m. that it is impossible to have a normal conversation with her. When I asked that we have a one time family event, during the day with my sister's family (who live far away - we don't see each other often) without alcohol, she told me not to come to the event. Alcohol was more important.

My father is a shell of himself. He once was an amazing aviator, businessman, a charming, and active man. He is now a nervous wreck. His life has become a mix of enabling, monitoring, managing an out of control alcoholic and managing his own obvious rage at the situation. All of his relationships are damaged or non-existent because he always puts her needs first and she has alienated them from all of their family and friends. His grandchildren don't want to be around them, because they are afraid of the drama/trauma that she incites. While his friends and relations are all enjoying their twilight years travelling to exciting places, spending lots of quality time with family and friends and just relaxing and leisurely puttering at beloved hobbies, my dad has given all of that up to police my mother's actions and to put out fires such as dangerous falls at a swanky hotel that resulted in my mother's hospitalization and subsequent need for a wheel chair, not to mention the humiliation of 45 witnesses giving statements to the authorities about my mother's drunken state.

I don't see any honor in what my father is doing. I see it as assisted suicide. If my mother agreed to the fact that she has a problem and agreed to get help, well then, of course, I think it is good to support earnest, healthy choices. But personally, trying to make a good life with an active alcoholic to me appears to be about as "mission impossible" as they come. I like what I read once here when someone said that marriage was never meant to be a mutual suicide pact.

Kboys

I gave MANY ultimatums. Too many to count.

I thought I meant them every time....

He stopped for varying periods of time, the longest and most recent being 9 months, but always has gone back to it. Never any real recovery, just not drinking.

Tangled34

I too gave many ultimatums asked him to leave on a few occasions this year but left him come back as he would agree to sort himself out! He would last about a month and then go off on a bender for days. The final straw came when he was back home he lasted two weeks and that was that! So my AH chose #6 I asked him to leave but this time he didn't want to come back because apparently he does not have a drink problem and now he is drinking more than ever!! And I have to say although I miss him and it's very hard sometimes he did me the biggest favour of my life!!

Hangnbyathread

This is the best written way to describe the point I reached and reflected on. And it was my way of KNOWING, that if I didn't get out, I would end up like she has written here.

I got tired of having to live with this. It was embarrassing. It was isolating. It was humiliating. I watched her kid while she went out drinking and partying. Then try to explain to her kid where mom was and why she wasn't home with us.

You simply see, you become part of their lives rather then them becoming part of ours. I have ZERO regrets for ridding myself of this.

Within a year, I was making new friends, feeling productive, had a sense of self pride again. You get back to you again.