I'm lost
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think dealing with your own issues first is ALWAYS the right decision--whether you wind up with her, with someone else, or just being content on your own. It is an investment in yourself that will pay off for the rest of your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
update: I met with my ex last week, we had a great conversation, a lot of things were discussed, she did admit to being angry with me for lots of things, I had always deflected things and refused to talk about them. I know this and have been working on addressing them with a therapist as well as groups. During our conversation she said that no matter what I was part of her family, she seemed confused and conflicted about her feelings for me yet feelings for her new boyfriend. What was strange was she was trying to get me to go out with a woman I had briefly dated after our breakup back in November, I told her that I couldn't do that with a clear conscious becausei need to focus on fixing my issues. then she posed the question what would I say if she asked me out on a date. I am so confused, I want to be with her forever but I know the right thing is to say no, and fix myself and see where we are after. she got angry about it, but then our conversation went on and things ended well. we spoke again over the next few days, things were great, fun conversations. then all of a sudden, zero contact, blocked calls, no response to text, blocked on social media. I am at a complete loss again. F***! What the hell did I do wrong?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Clowny it sounds like what she wanted was the reassurance that you would be her back-up plan in case things fall through with the new guy. She tried tempting you with permission to date someone else, then tossed you bone of "what would happen if..." and when you didn't bite, she became frustrated.
You've described someone who cannot be alone and who cannot be with someone who is not willing to put all of their energy into validating her and leaving none for themselves.
You are on a good, brave, and important path of dealing with your own issues. Please don't give someone who is sick and broken the power to deter you from that path.
In other words, you haven't done anything "wrong", but you didn't give her her validation Fix and now you are being punished for it. No one needs this level of toxicity in their life, especially from a romantic partner. Take care of yourself and move forward, all will be well for you if you focus on you.
You've described someone who cannot be alone and who cannot be with someone who is not willing to put all of their energy into validating her and leaving none for themselves.
You are on a good, brave, and important path of dealing with your own issues. Please don't give someone who is sick and broken the power to deter you from that path.
In other words, you haven't done anything "wrong", but you didn't give her her validation Fix and now you are being punished for it. No one needs this level of toxicity in their life, especially from a romantic partner. Take care of yourself and move forward, all will be well for you if you focus on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
well, now she is telling me that her new bf is jealous and she doesn't think that speaking to an ex/bf is respectful to him. I call that a load of BS. she's playing games, and is pissed that this bf of hers is still always with his ex's. What the F ever. I'm tired. This isn't high school. I started some new meds yesterday to help deal with the PTSD crap. they've got me feeling toootally out of it. ugh. Part of me wants to keep pushing forward and fixing my stuff, and the other part wants to go jump on a plane and go back to what I know and am good at. I've gotten a job proposal to go back as a contractor, but what the hell. I am trying to get over all that crap and now here's an opportunity to go back to what I love even though its completely ruined me. AARGH.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Clowny, it kind of seems like you want it both ways? When she distances herself, you miss or resent her, but when she tries to get back with you you realize you're not ready. Maybe just the fact that you feel so undecided about what kind of relationship you want with her is a sign that you need to focus on you? I'm not sure it's really fair to expect her to put her life on hold while you do that, though. I try to tell myself in such situations that what is meant to be will be. If you were meant to be with her, maybe it will work out once you've gotten yourself good and healthy.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh Clowny, I've read every post in your thread and am SO happy to see in most of your posts you end with the fact that you will keep working on YOU. (The ones where you call yourself a loser make me cringe - you are NOT and enough with the negative self talk!) Listen, that chick sounds like a hot mess herself and it's really doubtful "new BF" is going to pan out. I truly hope she's dedicated to her sobriety and is working a program. You seem to be committed to getting better for "you" and know someone else cannot "fix" you. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. Who's to say you don't each grow and get healthy doing your own thing for the next year or two and you may find yourself back together? But that said, in no way should that be a goal. You need to live your life for YOU right now. I pray for your continued healing and also want to thank you for your service.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
One more thing, Clowny... Do you like to read? I highly recommend the book "Until Tuesday: A Wounded Warrior and the Golden Retriever Who Saved Him". This vet was also broken and has now come out of his shell and even does some speaking engagements! The book describes his journey and how his therapy dog "Tuesday" helps him in so many ways. I wish you the best!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
putting life on hold????
Really???
I did that for her the last three years, im not asking nor expecting her to do so. She is still struggling with her alcoholism and I am struggling with my PTSD. That in itself says self destructive relationship. I need to finish fixing my issues as well as her. If the timing is right (and I hope it will be) we can try again. I just don't want to be drawn into bs games with her and the current bf. She is and has been my best friend, of which I have very few, cutting all ties leaves me floundering, lost and alone. talking with a therapist or group only goes so far. I need as well as other vets I talk with someone that is inside the inner circle to talk to. I don't expect anyone to understand.
she's trying to pressure me into dating someone, im not ready for that. Besides, I don't think its fair to whomever it is I would date when my "heart" lies somewhere else.
this is so messed up. Life was so much easier when I was in the war. With everything I have done, I don't ever deserve to be happy. I should have died there.
im rambling now, the meds they gave me have me really out of it, I can barely focus, and im slurring all my words. dammit. this sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS> AAARGH
Really???
I did that for her the last three years, im not asking nor expecting her to do so. She is still struggling with her alcoholism and I am struggling with my PTSD. That in itself says self destructive relationship. I need to finish fixing my issues as well as her. If the timing is right (and I hope it will be) we can try again. I just don't want to be drawn into bs games with her and the current bf. She is and has been my best friend, of which I have very few, cutting all ties leaves me floundering, lost and alone. talking with a therapist or group only goes so far. I need as well as other vets I talk with someone that is inside the inner circle to talk to. I don't expect anyone to understand.
she's trying to pressure me into dating someone, im not ready for that. Besides, I don't think its fair to whomever it is I would date when my "heart" lies somewhere else.
this is so messed up. Life was so much easier when I was in the war. With everything I have done, I don't ever deserve to be happy. I should have died there.
im rambling now, the meds they gave me have me really out of it, I can barely focus, and im slurring all my words. dammit. this sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS> AAARGH
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
With everything I have done, I don't ever deserve to be happy. I should have died there.
Keep working on yourself. You have to forgive yourself. You deserve the world and you'll only realize it when you forgive yourself. You deserve happiness, and a healthy life.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey Clowny, for all your psychological struggles you still seem to be making solid well-thought-out decisions. You're not getting sucked into the triangle, or dating someone your exgf wants to set you up with (weird). That equals healthy thinking.
Try not to exaggerate your thinking by telling yourself you should have died or you don't deserve to be happy. You've lost a good friend and no wonder you're feeling so unhappy - anyone would. You're coping ok considering but the pain won't disappear overnight.
You're right to concentrate on working on yourself for now, but you can also get out and meet people or plan for something enjoyable in the future. One more adventure?
Try not to exaggerate your thinking by telling yourself you should have died or you don't deserve to be happy. You've lost a good friend and no wonder you're feeling so unhappy - anyone would. You're coping ok considering but the pain won't disappear overnight.
You're right to concentrate on working on yourself for now, but you can also get out and meet people or plan for something enjoyable in the future. One more adventure?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
so the new "adventure"
Ok, so I had an appointment with the VA regarding some new problem they've been trying to figure out. I ended up being back home for the first time in months, a close friend and former superior in the military set up a dinner on Saturday. (background) - we used to do these every month, they still do, but for the past few years I've avoided going because, well everyone is at the top of their professional game, it sucks to be there and the only thing I have to contribute is, well, I can't go anywhere, can't do anything, just teach. my career is over. So anyways, after about a million texts and calls I agreed to go, as I drove into the city, I had a panic/anxiety attack. I love the city, but, it's not the same, everyone is gone or moved on, i'm alone, it sucked, as I got closer to home it got worse, by the time I got inside I was shaking uncontrollably, dizzy, unable to focus and at a complete loss. I forced myself to clean up and go to the dinner.
when I walked in there were easily a dozen folks there, it wasn't a normal dinner, there were folks that flew in from the east coast, asia, Europe, even Australia. Most of the folks were old team members, it was devastating, my friend contacted all of them and let them know what the hell was going on, they all dropped what they were doing and came. I'm still floored that they'd do that. I'm a nobody in that world now, I found it hard to see how they could have wasted time to come to this dinner. We talked, it was fun. I relaxed a bit.
Then, the rest of the weekend. It was fun, but not really, it was like the old me was fighting to take over, and it did. I'm not a big drinker anymore, I haven't been for years, it just never mattered to me. Well the alcohol flowed, and I found the old me coming to the top. I was the total A type extrovert. It drove me nuts. It was good seeing them, but I don't know if I can be around them, I turn into that aggressive Soldier. I spent a lifetime like that, I am trying to fix myself and that person doesn't allow it. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they are or have any experiences with a veteran.
The worst thing was I blacked out, and called my ex. AAARGH! I have no idea what I said, and when I called to apologize she wouldn't tell me what I said, except that she had never ever heard me in that A personality, and apparently there was a giant melee fist fight between me and my old team. All while we are laughing.
the past few weeks have been chaotic at the least, i'm trying to find some good guided meditation cd's but am lost at what to get.
Today's feelings are:
random bits of uncontrollable crying
nightmares are back
dizziness
can't focus
an impending sense of doom
lack of motivation
sense of loss
guilt
anyways enough rambling from me. these meds are still not right, AAARGH
Ok, so I had an appointment with the VA regarding some new problem they've been trying to figure out. I ended up being back home for the first time in months, a close friend and former superior in the military set up a dinner on Saturday. (background) - we used to do these every month, they still do, but for the past few years I've avoided going because, well everyone is at the top of their professional game, it sucks to be there and the only thing I have to contribute is, well, I can't go anywhere, can't do anything, just teach. my career is over. So anyways, after about a million texts and calls I agreed to go, as I drove into the city, I had a panic/anxiety attack. I love the city, but, it's not the same, everyone is gone or moved on, i'm alone, it sucked, as I got closer to home it got worse, by the time I got inside I was shaking uncontrollably, dizzy, unable to focus and at a complete loss. I forced myself to clean up and go to the dinner.
when I walked in there were easily a dozen folks there, it wasn't a normal dinner, there were folks that flew in from the east coast, asia, Europe, even Australia. Most of the folks were old team members, it was devastating, my friend contacted all of them and let them know what the hell was going on, they all dropped what they were doing and came. I'm still floored that they'd do that. I'm a nobody in that world now, I found it hard to see how they could have wasted time to come to this dinner. We talked, it was fun. I relaxed a bit.
Then, the rest of the weekend. It was fun, but not really, it was like the old me was fighting to take over, and it did. I'm not a big drinker anymore, I haven't been for years, it just never mattered to me. Well the alcohol flowed, and I found the old me coming to the top. I was the total A type extrovert. It drove me nuts. It was good seeing them, but I don't know if I can be around them, I turn into that aggressive Soldier. I spent a lifetime like that, I am trying to fix myself and that person doesn't allow it. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they are or have any experiences with a veteran.
The worst thing was I blacked out, and called my ex. AAARGH! I have no idea what I said, and when I called to apologize she wouldn't tell me what I said, except that she had never ever heard me in that A personality, and apparently there was a giant melee fist fight between me and my old team. All while we are laughing.
the past few weeks have been chaotic at the least, i'm trying to find some good guided meditation cd's but am lost at what to get.
Today's feelings are:
random bits of uncontrollable crying
nightmares are back
dizziness
can't focus
an impending sense of doom
lack of motivation
sense of loss
guilt
anyways enough rambling from me. these meds are still not right, AAARGH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Our VA actually offers a meditation class (they call it mindfulness). I do one on one sessions via telemed, but there is also a group option.
Codejob posted this thread earlier.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-nov-2nd.html
I've done the last couple of these meditation series, and they've been really good.
Building a meditation practice has actually been a huge help with managing my PTSD symptoms. Those panic attacks are awful, though I don't have them nearly as often as I used to, and mindfulness actually helps me navigate my way through the ones I do have. They don't last as long, and I can get back on track in a couple of hours as opposed to a couple of days or weeks. It's also good for insomnia/nightmares, which I still deal with as well.
This has all taken time and effort on my part. I still have setbacks, fall into black moods, feel that old "type A soldier" personality bubbling up to the surface (we used to call it The Rage, though I think of it as "Sergeant Scribbler mode" when it comes on now).
You're fighting, and this is one of those fights that you can win. It's worth winning. You get your life back. And you find yourself.
Glad to hear from you again. I was thinking about you the other day.
Codejob posted this thread earlier.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-nov-2nd.html
I've done the last couple of these meditation series, and they've been really good.
Building a meditation practice has actually been a huge help with managing my PTSD symptoms. Those panic attacks are awful, though I don't have them nearly as often as I used to, and mindfulness actually helps me navigate my way through the ones I do have. They don't last as long, and I can get back on track in a couple of hours as opposed to a couple of days or weeks. It's also good for insomnia/nightmares, which I still deal with as well.
This has all taken time and effort on my part. I still have setbacks, fall into black moods, feel that old "type A soldier" personality bubbling up to the surface (we used to call it The Rage, though I think of it as "Sergeant Scribbler mode" when it comes on now).
You're fighting, and this is one of those fights that you can win. It's worth winning. You get your life back. And you find yourself.
Glad to hear from you again. I was thinking about you the other day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
no, there's too much controversy surrounding him. I don't want to deal with any more drama than needed. I'm hoping to relax this weekend.
I found that I was having a bad reaction to one the medications. I passed out the other day from it. so now im hoping to clear my system out in the next few days.
I found that I was having a bad reaction to one the medications. I passed out the other day from it. so now im hoping to clear my system out in the next few days.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by clowny73 
no, there's too much controversy surrounding him. I don't want to deal with any more drama than needed. I'm hoping to relax this weekend.
I found that I was having a bad reaction to one the medications. I passed out the other day from it. so now im hoping to clear my system out in the next few days.
I found that I was having a bad reaction to one the medications. I passed out the other day from it. so now im hoping to clear my system out in the next few days.
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