I'm lost
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
I'm lost
I'm completely lost. I was with someone for almost three years, during that time they were a heavy alcoholic. lots of hurt on both sides, it was a bad cycle. through all of that I still loved and cared for them. They said the same of me. I thought if I tried the tough love approach it might give them the push to go into sobriety. after a few months, they decided that sobriety was what they wanted and needed. Through out all this time, we still were together in every sense except for officially together. I went to the meetings, supported everything. I love this person. Then suddenly, they start seeing someone from their meetings, they now blame me for everything, its all my fault. they say they are in love with this other person, and are going to spend the rest of their lives with them. I don't know what to do, I know I have my own issues that i'm working on, but I am lost. I honestly did everything I was capable of and now it's my fault. Part of me feels that I should keep supporting the sobriety, and keep working on fixing my issues, and another says, forget it. I'm a waste and horrible person.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
You are not a waste or horrible person!! The truth is that there is nothing you can do to help this person, only they can do the work for themselves. I've had to learn this the very hard way too as have many others on this forum.
Yeah, we all have issues after living with an addict, but you can be healthy again by working on them through Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery. You deserve better, you really do!! Its time to start loving yourself for the wonderful and caring person you are!! Keep posting..you're going to be ok...hugs
Yeah, we all have issues after living with an addict, but you can be healthy again by working on them through Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery. You deserve better, you really do!! Its time to start loving yourself for the wonderful and caring person you are!! Keep posting..you're going to be ok...hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Who knows if they are gone forever. Only the addict can stear their own ship.
The good thing is that it isn't up to you to make him well again.
I would suggest you listen to him when he says he loves someone else and move on, but move in a healthy direction. Go to alanon, celebrate recovery, a therapist, etc. Put the focus on your recovery. I know that seems harsh, but it is the kindest thing you can do for him and for yourself. I was with my alcoholic spouse 23 years. It's hard. Its going to be hard, but the work is worth it to live in peace. You can't put a price on peace in your home and peace of mind.
The good thing is that it isn't up to you to make him well again.
I would suggest you listen to him when he says he loves someone else and move on, but move in a healthy direction. Go to alanon, celebrate recovery, a therapist, etc. Put the focus on your recovery. I know that seems harsh, but it is the kindest thing you can do for him and for yourself. I was with my alcoholic spouse 23 years. It's hard. Its going to be hard, but the work is worth it to live in peace. You can't put a price on peace in your home and peace of mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Hi! I'm going through a similar situation right now, so I can relate to the pain you are feeling. My ex and I were together about three years, also. He went to rehab and a few weeks after he got out, met someone new (I think on tinder) and moved in with her not long after that! He and I never officially broke up...weird story...and he was telling me how much he loves me and missed me up to the point he met this girl. He won't talk to me and I've been miserable. Posting about my situation has helped me so much. I blamed myself for things, too, but know this isn't my fault. He can only save himself. Hang in there! You have a lot of support on this site, so keep posting!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
I am seeing a therapist. I just don't see the point in going anymore. She was the most amazing and important woman in my life and I blew it. There is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How do you figure you "blew it"? Didn't you say: Breakups happen; people meet someone new, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
I honestly did everything I was capable of and now it's my fault.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh, clowny, another person should not have this much power over you. Please do not stop your therapy. Relationships are hard enough when all the odds are with you -- when addiction is involved, they are practically impossible.
Please do not let this person define you or determine your self-worth.
Please do not let this person define you or determine your self-worth.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
I blew it because, I wasn't able to break thru a hurdle in dealing with my PTSD. (I'm a vet) When I finally was able to, it was a day late and a dollar short. Now that break thru is closing, and I don't have the energy to keep it open. She already made it clear that if I had done it before we would still be together. This is so screwed up. I'm just a loser and that's all I ever will be.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the conditions under which you met (heavy drinking, lots of problems) set a certain TYPE of relationship in motion....with you are the care taker, supporter, coach, scapegoat. this person was UNDER THE INFLUENCE in body mind and spirit. consistent heavy consumption of alcohol does a LOT more than just get a person drunk. it CHANGES them.
and JUST not drinking doesn't miraculously CHANGE them into wonderful human beings.
as it is she found another sober recovering alcoholic and had a connection with them....it happens. there's an identity that cannot be duplicated elsewhere...oh wow, you're just like ME! YOU get it. as for her BLAMING you for everything, well that's just BS. unless you forcibly held her down and used a funnel to pour vodka down her throat on a daily basis.
it's time to start getting your own sense of self worth back....no as SOMEONE's SOMETHING but as a YOU. you mentioned meetings....i'm guessing AA to support HER? have you tried meetings FOR YOU?
there is no time better than NOW to get your own "recovery" going, seek your own healing.
and JUST not drinking doesn't miraculously CHANGE them into wonderful human beings.
as it is she found another sober recovering alcoholic and had a connection with them....it happens. there's an identity that cannot be duplicated elsewhere...oh wow, you're just like ME! YOU get it. as for her BLAMING you for everything, well that's just BS. unless you forcibly held her down and used a funnel to pour vodka down her throat on a daily basis.
it's time to start getting your own sense of self worth back....no as SOMEONE's SOMETHING but as a YOU. you mentioned meetings....i'm guessing AA to support HER? have you tried meetings FOR YOU?
there is no time better than NOW to get your own "recovery" going, seek your own healing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
clowny, anyone that is willing to walk away because you aren't healing your deep, emotional wounds on THEIR timeframe isn't being reasonable or loving when they say such things. It seems incredibly selfish to pressure someone in that way! 
That's not true, I wouldn't buy this emotional manipulation. It's a tactic to shift the blame away from her own actions & put it back on to you. What a grandiose statement that she'll never have to back up or prove, how convenient!
She already made it clear that if I had done it before we would still be together.
That's not true, I wouldn't buy this emotional manipulation. It's a tactic to shift the blame away from her own actions & put it back on to you. What a grandiose statement that she'll never have to back up or prove, how convenient!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by clowny73 
I blew it because, I wasn't able to break thru a hurdle in dealing with my PTSD. (I'm a vet) When I finally was able to, it was a day late and a dollar short. Now that break thru is closing, and I don't have the energy to keep it open. She already made it clear that if I had done it before we would still be together. This is so screwed up. I'm just a loser and that's all I ever will be.
I got involved with my alcoholic ex after we got home from Iraq. Both of us dealing with PTSD, plus his TBIs and of course good old fashioned alcoholism to round out the trifecta.
I had a lot of these same feelings of being worthless, like everything was my fault- some of that was because he blamed me for everything, some of it was my own low self-esteem.
Healing from PTSD is its own reward. I originally started doing it for my sons. I didn't want them to have a crazy mom who couldn't take them to the grocery store or a parade without having a panic attack. But as I've progressed, I'm doing it for myself as much as anyone else.
This isn't the last and only chance you'll have at love, though it may feel that way right now. This woman is still very distorted in her thinking and sick with her own issues. As someone else said, just putting down the bottle is only part of true recovery from alcoholism.
Keep working your own healing. As much as people rag on the VA, I've been really happy with the quality of care I get from my therapists. I also started attending Alanon after I left my ex, which has provided me with a strong support system to heal from having grown up in an alcoholic home, as well as other "wounds" I've sustained throughout my life.
Really glad you found us. Keep posting and take care.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Lots of great advice above.
I know it sucks.....but focus on yourself first and foremost day by day step by step the rest will follow.
How are YOU today?
what are you doing for YOURSELF today?
Keep posting keep reading, many here have walked in your shoes.
Take care if YOU.....Phiz.
I know it sucks.....but focus on yourself first and foremost day by day step by step the rest will follow.
How are YOU today?
what are you doing for YOURSELF today?
Keep posting keep reading, many here have walked in your shoes.
Take care if YOU.....Phiz.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
ah, yes the VA. I've been dealing with them for a number of years for lots of medical issues, mTBI, chronic pain being part of it. When I tried the mental health care there for PTSD it just did not work. It was full of interns working on studies, so every group was always grounded in Anger Management. They would blackmail you by withholding your meds unless you agreed to be a part of studies. I ended up going to an outside organization that provided free care for Veterans.
I had great success with the 1st therapist, and was able to get past the flashbacks, nightmares, hyper sensitivity, anxiety and panic. I ended up with a 2nd, and well it was the worse care ive ever dealt with. After a few years I felt that it was as far as I was ever going to get so I stopped going. Years later I met this woman, as time went by, those walls I built around the core issues began to cause problems in the relationship. I've spent the last year and a half trying to figure out how to break those walls down and fix it. I know why at this point it took so long to break thru. It was fear. Scared that if she saw me how I saw myself she would leave, or hate me, or think of me as a monster.
After trying again with the local VA for months to find someone I finally decided the only way to do it was to turn all of my for lack of a better description "skillset" into an internal assessment. It broke me, I did find a local therapist to talk to that I could afford. Its been rough, I really don't know where to go and what to do. To be honest, it was watching my ex step forward and start in sobriety that gave me the courage to break it all open. We had talked about it extensively, about my support for her and her support for me thru this mess. I mean I have friends and family that care but having someone that you connect with, love and care for to be there for support, is really important for me. Now I have no one. I feel like a waste, like what's the point? I'm still going to the therapist, trying some groups, but it all seems like an exercise in futility, the walls, the numbness, the shutting down emotionally, they are all coming back, slowly but surely, i'm consciously making an effort every day to not allow it but it's winning. I went to an appointment yesterday, and honestly I felt like we discussed absolutely nothing of importance to me.
I'm trying group again tonight, but all these nights of no sleep, the emptiness, the being alone plus medical issues are killing me. I don't ever see myself with anyone in the future, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying my hardest to push forward, find out who the hell I am now.
F***, i'm sorry, i'm not making anymore sense I think.
I had great success with the 1st therapist, and was able to get past the flashbacks, nightmares, hyper sensitivity, anxiety and panic. I ended up with a 2nd, and well it was the worse care ive ever dealt with. After a few years I felt that it was as far as I was ever going to get so I stopped going. Years later I met this woman, as time went by, those walls I built around the core issues began to cause problems in the relationship. I've spent the last year and a half trying to figure out how to break those walls down and fix it. I know why at this point it took so long to break thru. It was fear. Scared that if she saw me how I saw myself she would leave, or hate me, or think of me as a monster.
After trying again with the local VA for months to find someone I finally decided the only way to do it was to turn all of my for lack of a better description "skillset" into an internal assessment. It broke me, I did find a local therapist to talk to that I could afford. Its been rough, I really don't know where to go and what to do. To be honest, it was watching my ex step forward and start in sobriety that gave me the courage to break it all open. We had talked about it extensively, about my support for her and her support for me thru this mess. I mean I have friends and family that care but having someone that you connect with, love and care for to be there for support, is really important for me. Now I have no one. I feel like a waste, like what's the point? I'm still going to the therapist, trying some groups, but it all seems like an exercise in futility, the walls, the numbness, the shutting down emotionally, they are all coming back, slowly but surely, i'm consciously making an effort every day to not allow it but it's winning. I went to an appointment yesterday, and honestly I felt like we discussed absolutely nothing of importance to me.
I'm trying group again tonight, but all these nights of no sleep, the emptiness, the being alone plus medical issues are killing me. I don't ever see myself with anyone in the future, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying my hardest to push forward, find out who the hell I am now.
F***, i'm sorry, i'm not making anymore sense I think.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Clowny, you're hurting, and your brain is telling you things that are not true. It's telling you you will feel like this forever, and you will not. It's telling you that you have no chance for future happiness but you do. You know there are ways out of this place you are temporarily in. You WILL find your way out of there, my friend. Please keep posting.
You're not right when you say you have no one. You have you. You are and always have been enough, but you have to be kinder to yourself to feel it. Sending you strength and hugs.
You're not right when you say you have no one. You have you. You are and always have been enough, but you have to be kinder to yourself to feel it. Sending you strength and hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
there comes a point when you're tired of being alone.
I can function alone without any issues, I'm an introvert. I'm getting older, the days of traveling the world, adventure, are over. I'm tired of just friends and acquaintances. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I never felt that way about anyone before and I've had many serious long term relationships.
I can function alone without any issues, I'm an introvert. I'm getting older, the days of traveling the world, adventure, are over. I'm tired of just friends and acquaintances. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I never felt that way about anyone before and I've had many serious long term relationships.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
yes, I do understand that which is why I was alone for years, I don't want to waste time or energy being with someone just for the sake of being with someone. If it's a wasted effort with her, then why bother trying to fix things? I know it would make me a happier person, and allow me to connect with someone but there is no one, there won't be anyone. I don't work or live in a big city anymore, its a small hell hole. The only thing people do here is drink at bars. Not my thing. I work in a male dominated field, the chances of meeting anyone are about zero. Why expend all this energy and effort for nothing. My physical health is bad enough, it takes everything to maintain that. taking from one to the other seems like it's not worth it anymore. F*** I don't know.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: california
Posts: 17
Soo....
I met with my ex yesterday. It was very hard, very emotional on both sides. She is so angry at me yet, she says she still loves me, but loves her new bf. Angry because she chased me for years and I never would talk about the issues i'm dealing with now. Yet we discussed them last night, and the progress I've made as well as hers. I feel horrible because I know after all this assessing, and introspection, I always deflected everything, which she took as me blaming her for things. I think she's happy that i'm fixing the issues but angry because i'm doing it now, now that she's moved on. I don't know. During our talk she asked me what my answer would be if she were to ask me to go on a date. AAARGH.
I love this woman more than anything, I do see myself with her. But, I know myself well enough to know that if I were to say yes, and we did, I would stop working on fixing my stuff. I have to fix this, otherwise i'm still a waste and of no use to anyone else. I said no, I wouldn't, I told her my feelings haven't changed for her, but I want to fix this now, I don't want to try again with her and have it fail because of my issues. I think she was mad about it. I don't know.
Was I right in saying no? I think that if I don't fix the issues I have, that it would fail. I don't want that. I want to do everything I can to give it a shot of succeeding, should I get a chance again in the future.
I met with my ex yesterday. It was very hard, very emotional on both sides. She is so angry at me yet, she says she still loves me, but loves her new bf. Angry because she chased me for years and I never would talk about the issues i'm dealing with now. Yet we discussed them last night, and the progress I've made as well as hers. I feel horrible because I know after all this assessing, and introspection, I always deflected everything, which she took as me blaming her for things. I think she's happy that i'm fixing the issues but angry because i'm doing it now, now that she's moved on. I don't know. During our talk she asked me what my answer would be if she were to ask me to go on a date. AAARGH.
I love this woman more than anything, I do see myself with her. But, I know myself well enough to know that if I were to say yes, and we did, I would stop working on fixing my stuff. I have to fix this, otherwise i'm still a waste and of no use to anyone else. I said no, I wouldn't, I told her my feelings haven't changed for her, but I want to fix this now, I don't want to try again with her and have it fail because of my issues. I think she was mad about it. I don't know.
Was I right in saying no? I think that if I don't fix the issues I have, that it would fail. I don't want that. I want to do everything I can to give it a shot of succeeding, should I get a chance again in the future.
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