just a brief vent
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Kboys 
She owed me nothing... but I know that I would never do that, if I knew he was married, which she did. ESPECIALLY after being cheated on myself, like she was... so that's part of what makes me so angry. I said that to her... the only time I had an actual conversation with her, and she replied "Well that's the difference between you and me."
And really, ALL of this anger, disappointment, hurt, these resentments - it's really all the stuff you've been too intimidated to direct at your AH. (This is JUST MY OPINION, not personal, I promise!) I think he still pushes you around a bit & your frustration bubbles over at her, emotionally, because it's safer than getting that angry with him, make any sense? Maybe it falls under projection somewhat? Who cares about her life, what she thinks, why she does the things she does? Her choices aren't any reflection on YOU & she doesn't need to agree with your perspective to validate your hurts. I know you KNOW that, but I'm not sure you are emotionally feeling it yet. ((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
You're right Firesprite, about my frustration with HIM, (and also at myself I think) bubbling over at her.
And you're right about me not feeling satisfied, with whatever reaction she gave me... I thought that after I talked to her, which was back in March, that I might feel better in some way, and maybe I did a little, but mostly, it just left me with more questions... And every once in a while, some "really good" line will come to me that I wish I would have said, had I thought of it...
I know these thoughts do me no good...
I know I still have a long way to go in MY recovery, and this thinking sets me back... but it's difficult for me to turn off sometimes.
I stopped looking at her facebook page, and that helped.
I feel like I start to feel better, and stop thinking about it, and then there she is, and it's back on my brain again.
I know I'll get there....
And you're right about me not feeling satisfied, with whatever reaction she gave me... I thought that after I talked to her, which was back in March, that I might feel better in some way, and maybe I did a little, but mostly, it just left me with more questions... And every once in a while, some "really good" line will come to me that I wish I would have said, had I thought of it...
I know these thoughts do me no good...
I know I still have a long way to go in MY recovery, and this thinking sets me back... but it's difficult for me to turn off sometimes.
I stopped looking at her facebook page, and that helped.
I feel like I start to feel better, and stop thinking about it, and then there she is, and it's back on my brain again.
I know I'll get there....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys.....I think that doing the wailing wall exercise will help enormously when she "pops" back into your m ind. Now...it is temporary...will last for a little while. But, it is fine to do it often.
It won't cure your emotional situation in the entirety.
I think that FireSprite made some good po i nts in her post....that much of the anger at him is directed toward her. Repressed and projected anger.
I believe, that, under the situation (lots of repressed anger at a true invader into your world) is normal.
In our lizard brain....a few million years ago....an invader onto our territory faced the risk of death. ....lol...while we have come a looong way since then...I don't think we are under any obligation to flash a cheery smile or wave to those who have brought misery. I recognize that it feels good to think of just the right thing to say, etc...lol...I always took some secret solace in these things when a man did me wrong. I wished for him: 1. That he would develop permanent erectile dysfunction 2. That he would develop a giant, pendulous beer belly and skinny legs. 3, That he would lose all of his hair.
I can't remember if he has actually l eft the home or not? If not...I can imagine that it is impossible to come to peace unless your anger at him is dealt with. It generally takes a good while for couples to work through this IF BOTH of them are working on it.
If your marriage is damaged beyond repair...that has to be faced also....
(sorry I can't remember the details).
I know that "forgiveness" is a wildly poplar concept, now days. Now...don't get me wrong...forgiveness can be a wonderful thing when and where it is possible.
For deep wounds...it generally takes a longer time of processing....years, sometimes. I don't think you can just put on forgiveness like you put o n a hat.
dandylion
It won't cure your emotional situation in the entirety.
I think that FireSprite made some good po i nts in her post....that much of the anger at him is directed toward her. Repressed and projected anger.
I believe, that, under the situation (lots of repressed anger at a true invader into your world) is normal.
In our lizard brain....a few million years ago....an invader onto our territory faced the risk of death. ....lol...while we have come a looong way since then...I don't think we are under any obligation to flash a cheery smile or wave to those who have brought misery. I recognize that it feels good to think of just the right thing to say, etc...lol...I always took some secret solace in these things when a man did me wrong. I wished for him: 1. That he would develop permanent erectile dysfunction 2. That he would develop a giant, pendulous beer belly and skinny legs. 3, That he would lose all of his hair.
I can't remember if he has actually l eft the home or not? If not...I can imagine that it is impossible to come to peace unless your anger at him is dealt with. It generally takes a good while for couples to work through this IF BOTH of them are working on it.
If your marriage is damaged beyond repair...that has to be faced also....
(sorry I can't remember the details).
I know that "forgiveness" is a wildly poplar concept, now days. Now...don't get me wrong...forgiveness can be a wonderful thing when and where it is possible.
For deep wounds...it generally takes a longer time of processing....years, sometimes. I don't think you can just put on forgiveness like you put o n a hat.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"I always took some secret solace in these things when a man did me wrong. I wished for him: 1. That he would develop permanent erectile dysfunction 2. That he would develop a giant, pendulous beer belly and skinny legs. 3, That he would lose all of his hair. "
Thanks dandy LOL^^^
"I can't remember if he has actually left the home or not? If not...I can imagine that it is impossible to come to peace unless your anger at him is dealt with. It generally takes a good while for couples to work through this IF BOTH of them are working on it.
If your marriage is damaged beyond repair...that has to be faced also..."
He has not left, but the kids and I have, temporarily, until he does... though we have spent a couple of nights there.. separate floors of the house.. Ugh... I'll save that horrid nightmare for another post....
but yeah, my anger and resentment regarding his affair, and other things that happened when he was drinking were never really dealt with. He only "allowed"me to talk about it so much, before he would get angry.
Because, you know, he stopped drinking, he stopped cheating, so I should just be over it and stop talking about it and "making him feel like **** about it."
So I did stop, to avoid his anger, but my feelings definitely did not go away...
I do think our marriage is beyond repair...
And he has gone back to drinking as of July after nine months sober, so that has made all the more clear to me.
Thanks dandy
LOL^^^"I can't remember if he has actually left the home or not? If not...I can imagine that it is impossible to come to peace unless your anger at him is dealt with. It generally takes a good while for couples to work through this IF BOTH of them are working on it.
If your marriage is damaged beyond repair...that has to be faced also..."
He has not left, but the kids and I have, temporarily, until he does... though we have spent a couple of nights there.. separate floors of the house.. Ugh... I'll save that horrid nightmare for another post....
but yeah, my anger and resentment regarding his affair, and other things that happened when he was drinking were never really dealt with. He only "allowed"me to talk about it so much, before he would get angry.
Because, you know, he stopped drinking, he stopped cheating, so I should just be over it and stop talking about it and "making him feel like **** about it."
So I did stop, to avoid his anger, but my feelings definitely did not go away...
I do think our marriage is beyond repair...
And he has gone back to drinking as of July after nine months sober, so that has made all the more clear to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Now, you're starting to get somewhere KBoys... now I'm starting to get better context.
So, you're in "crisis" at this point, a couple months into relapse from a partner who was never really IN recovery to begin with... and it's progressed to you moving out of the family home along with your small kids..... and then in the middle of all of this BS, you run right into his ex-affair unexpectedly.
Oh Honey, it is TOTALLY NORMAL that this triggered you! ((((hugs))))
In light of never having been "allowed" to even verbalize your emotions about it to begin with, it must feel like history repeating & shoving itself in your face.
EXCEPT - you changed the pattern. You left. You took a stand, however difficult it is & however murky your next steps seem.
And that's realllllllllllly uncomfortable, but okay too. It evolves into comfort over time with enough practice.
Don't give her all that premium space in your head, rent-free. She sounds broken in her own way, with no remorse or desire to change. Some people LIKE staying broken, it justifies their poor decisions. Leave her there.
Dandy's wailing wall sounds perfect for your situation, especially since he is in NO place to hear you in any way, and may NEVER get there. I think you should also pick out some simple, personal, empowering mantras that you can quickly recall in a moment of stress..... and when you find yourself obsessing about her, start chanting love to yourself instead. Do it 1000x because no matter WHAT, you will not have wasted your energy on that the way you would by following her on FakeBook or tripping down memory lane.
"I am Enough"
"I am a beautiful, amazing woman"
"I am worthy of love"
"I have real value"
"I love me"
So, you're in "crisis" at this point, a couple months into relapse from a partner who was never really IN recovery to begin with... and it's progressed to you moving out of the family home along with your small kids..... and then in the middle of all of this BS, you run right into his ex-affair unexpectedly.
Oh Honey, it is TOTALLY NORMAL that this triggered you! ((((hugs))))
In light of never having been "allowed" to even verbalize your emotions about it to begin with, it must feel like history repeating & shoving itself in your face.
EXCEPT - you changed the pattern. You left. You took a stand, however difficult it is & however murky your next steps seem.
And that's realllllllllllly uncomfortable, but okay too. It evolves into comfort over time with enough practice.
Don't give her all that premium space in your head, rent-free. She sounds broken in her own way, with no remorse or desire to change. Some people LIKE staying broken, it justifies their poor decisions. Leave her there.
Dandy's wailing wall sounds perfect for your situation, especially since he is in NO place to hear you in any way, and may NEVER get there. I think you should also pick out some simple, personal, empowering mantras that you can quickly recall in a moment of stress..... and when you find yourself obsessing about her, start chanting love to yourself instead. Do it 1000x because no matter WHAT, you will not have wasted your energy on that the way you would by following her on FakeBook or tripping down memory lane.
"I am Enough"
"I am a beautiful, amazing woman"
"I am worthy of love"
"I have real value"
"I love me"
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You know, I've been binge-watching The Game of Thrones (I'm one of the few people on the planet who had never seen it up until a few weeks ago), and I've been noticing how all these people who go around beheading and poisoning each other interact in social situations. Sworn enemies who are actively plotting someone else's demise will smile and nod at each other.
Try practicing that. The dignified (yet chilly) nod of acknowledgment that doesn't invite any further interaction.
Just a tip, though, beheading and poisoning are currently frowned upon.
Try practicing that. The dignified (yet chilly) nod of acknowledgment that doesn't invite any further interaction.
Just a tip, though, beheading and poisoning are currently frowned upon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thank you Firesprite and Lexie!
"So, you're in "crisis" at this point, a couple months into relapse from a partner who was never really IN recovery to begin with... and it's progressed to you moving out of the family home along with your small kids..... and then in the middle of all of this BS, you run right into his ex-affair unexpectedly"
Pretty much... It's been really heartbreaking for me... but I know that I HAVE to stick with it this time. It's not going to get better any time soon. And my boys are getting older, and becoming more and more aware of our dysfunction ... I absolutely do not want this for them... so I keep telling myself that.
Seeing her also made me wonder whether or not he has / will try to go back to her now. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter... She can have his messes... and I try to believe that it really doesn't matter, but I am not to that point yet. The thought of it still hurts really bad.
And yeah, having everything still so unsettled with us and our living situation.... it really sucks.
Lexie, I am one of the few other people on the planet who has not seen Game of Thrones!
I am, as I type, practicing my dignified nod
"So, you're in "crisis" at this point, a couple months into relapse from a partner who was never really IN recovery to begin with... and it's progressed to you moving out of the family home along with your small kids..... and then in the middle of all of this BS, you run right into his ex-affair unexpectedly"
Pretty much... It's been really heartbreaking for me... but I know that I HAVE to stick with it this time. It's not going to get better any time soon. And my boys are getting older, and becoming more and more aware of our dysfunction ... I absolutely do not want this for them... so I keep telling myself that.
Seeing her also made me wonder whether or not he has / will try to go back to her now. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter... She can have his messes... and I try to believe that it really doesn't matter, but I am not to that point yet. The thought of it still hurts really bad.
And yeah, having everything still so unsettled with us and our living situation.... it really sucks.
Lexie, I am one of the few other people on the planet who has not seen Game of Thrones!
I am, as I type, practicing my dignified nod
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Kboys-
What good work you are doing on yourself.
I just want to normalize that anger about an affair is part of the affair recovery. Anger with alcohol use had to come up for me also.
For me the anger hit about 8-10 months and was very much in place at a year out. I had not let myself feel it prior to that (and was too busy trying to make it all perfect from my hubby so he would not drink/continue the affair).
Have you been able to get any support around the affair, his drinking? That helped me to understand that my "reactions" while not always appropriate were in the normal range for such an abnormal situation and that was really important to me.
I mention the forgiveness book earlier. Janis Abrahm Spring wrote a book called After the Affair also that was really helpful to me. It normalized what I was feeling.....and helped me to see better what was mine and more importantly what was not mine.
What good work you are doing on yourself.
I just want to normalize that anger about an affair is part of the affair recovery. Anger with alcohol use had to come up for me also.
For me the anger hit about 8-10 months and was very much in place at a year out. I had not let myself feel it prior to that (and was too busy trying to make it all perfect from my hubby so he would not drink/continue the affair).
Have you been able to get any support around the affair, his drinking? That helped me to understand that my "reactions" while not always appropriate were in the normal range for such an abnormal situation and that was really important to me.
I mention the forgiveness book earlier. Janis Abrahm Spring wrote a book called After the Affair also that was really helpful to me. It normalized what I was feeling.....and helped me to see better what was mine and more importantly what was not mine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks LR.
I go to Al-anon.. or at least I was... I haven't been able to go since STBXAH started drinking again, since I have no one to leave the kids with during that time (it's only offered once per week here). But I hope to go back soon.
I read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, which was helpful to me in realizing my feelings and behaviors were normal... even though AH was working hard to make me believe they were not normal, and that he had done all he could do to help me.
AH said he would read it, but never did.
I will look into the other books as well, thank you for the recommendations.
"For me the anger hit about 8-10 months and was very much in place at a year out. I had not let myself feel it prior to that (and was too busy trying to make it all perfect from my hubby so he would not drink/continue the affair). "
I can relate to this... last year, when the affair was going on , and his drinking, and crazy behaviors were at their craziest... I was running myself ragged, trying to be everything he said needed... trying to change everything he said was driving him to drink, verbally abuse me, and to cheat... trying to take care of the kids and get them on a regular sleep schedule (one of the things that made him drink and cheat) and keep things "normal" for them, while I worked full time...
Meanwhile... he was doing whatever the F he wanted to do... and I know that no matter how "perfect" I was or the kids were, it wouldn't have made a difference
Looking back on that time now... wow, I see things so differently, and I wish I would have done things so differently. Things I wasn't allowing myself to really see, or feel, I am seeing and feeling now, more and more.
And it hurts
But I'm changing things now, and trying to be gentle with myself.
Thanks all for the support
I go to Al-anon.. or at least I was... I haven't been able to go since STBXAH started drinking again, since I have no one to leave the kids with during that time (it's only offered once per week here). But I hope to go back soon.
I read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, which was helpful to me in realizing my feelings and behaviors were normal... even though AH was working hard to make me believe they were not normal, and that he had done all he could do to help me.
AH said he would read it, but never did.
I will look into the other books as well, thank you for the recommendations.
"For me the anger hit about 8-10 months and was very much in place at a year out. I had not let myself feel it prior to that (and was too busy trying to make it all perfect from my hubby so he would not drink/continue the affair). "
I can relate to this... last year, when the affair was going on , and his drinking, and crazy behaviors were at their craziest... I was running myself ragged, trying to be everything he said needed... trying to change everything he said was driving him to drink, verbally abuse me, and to cheat... trying to take care of the kids and get them on a regular sleep schedule (one of the things that made him drink and cheat) and keep things "normal" for them, while I worked full time...
Meanwhile... he was doing whatever the F he wanted to do... and I know that no matter how "perfect" I was or the kids were, it wouldn't have made a difference
Looking back on that time now... wow, I see things so differently, and I wish I would have done things so differently. Things I wasn't allowing myself to really see, or feel, I am seeing and feeling now, more and more.
And it hurts
But I'm changing things now, and trying to be gentle with myself.
Thanks all for the support
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Ironically amused that YOU read How to Help Your Spouse Heal as that book is for the person who did the cheating and how they can help you.
Enough said. I wish that he would read it and be able to assist you in the healing, but it does not sound like he is in that place right now.
Enough said. I wish that he would read it and be able to assist you in the healing, but it does not sound like he is in that place right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Ironically amused that YOU read How to Help Your Spouse Heal as that book is for the person who did the cheating and how they can help you.
Enough said. I wish that he would read it and be able to assist you in the healing, but it does not sound like he is in that place right now.
Enough said. I wish that he would read it and be able to assist you in the healing, but it does not sound like he is in that place right now.
!I bought it for him to read, or for us to read together... yeeeaaah, I don't know what I was thinking. But... it was validating, so I guess it was not a waste of money
He was / is definitely not in a place to read it, or help me, and I'm finally beginning to accept that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Kboys
My AH (STBXAH!) had a relationship with another woman last year. I’ve posted some about that. It was extremely painful, probably the most painful of all of it. It is still painful.
I run into this woman periodically… I did this morning…and I probably will forever, until one of us moves out of this community. When I see her… I feel rage. I feel my neck and my face get hot and I just want to scream uncontrollably at her.
I know that in time, the intensity of these feelings will subside.
I don’t wish her ill… part of me feels sorry for her.
I don’t know if STBXAH has had any contact with her since we have been separated… or if he will. I assume he will at some point… doesn’t matter anymore….
Anyway, I don’t like the emotions I feel when I see her. I have never felt this type of rage toward anyone else ever. And I don’t know what to do when I see her. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Sometimes I ignore her…
Once I confronted her, and told her what I thought of her…
Other times I say “HI! How are you?!” in a really fake exaggerated friendly way, and wave obnoxiously.
I know… immature, but I can’t stand seeing her and saying NOTHING… though I know that’s probably what I should do.
Right?
Any thoughts?
Thank you for listening
I run into this woman periodically… I did this morning…and I probably will forever, until one of us moves out of this community. When I see her… I feel rage. I feel my neck and my face get hot and I just want to scream uncontrollably at her.
I know that in time, the intensity of these feelings will subside.
I don’t wish her ill… part of me feels sorry for her.
I don’t know if STBXAH has had any contact with her since we have been separated… or if he will. I assume he will at some point… doesn’t matter anymore….
Anyway, I don’t like the emotions I feel when I see her. I have never felt this type of rage toward anyone else ever. And I don’t know what to do when I see her. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Sometimes I ignore her…
Once I confronted her, and told her what I thought of her…
Other times I say “HI! How are you?!” in a really fake exaggerated friendly way, and wave obnoxiously.
I know… immature, but I can’t stand seeing her and saying NOTHING… though I know that’s probably what I should do.
Right?
Any thoughts?
Thank you for listening
As an exercise to sort out your side and source of emotions,
can you envision writing a letter to this person and saying what you would like to see happen to resolve the pain and suffering.
This is an internal exercise only.
but if you can imagine telling someone you are tired of the pain it causes to see them and know this isn't resolved. And you would like to make peace between you so you don't carry this rage and resentment,
how would you ask? What would you say?
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote out sample peace agreements on how to ask people to help overcome suffering caused between them.
Sometimes it helps to put it in words, in order to "transform" anger into compassion, and fear into wisdom.
If you can imagine taking on this exercise, what emotions and memories or associations come up in your mind? If you meditate on each one, and release and forgive the emotions, then the ideas underneath become more clear. And the solutions will come out from under all that venting.
Some of my friends are able to find peace reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh that come from a different angle than where their minds were stuck. I can't even keep his books because every time I pick up copies, friends keep borrowing them who just get things out of them from reading his kind style of thinking toward people and things that otherwise cause anger and suffering.
If this helps you "jumpstart" your brain in a different direction, lots of my friends have found relief this way. Books like the Miracle of Mindfulness, Being Peace, etc. are very short and have provided instant insight and relief, just helping people look at things from a detached calm perspective. Not sure why or how but just reading these things has helped friends let go in new ways they can't always explain.
http://houstonprogressive.org/9prayers.html
http://thecontemplativepsyche.blogsp...nhat-hanh.html
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
