Kboys

My AH (STBXAH!) had a relationship with another woman last year. I’ve posted some about that. It was extremely painful, probably the most painful of all of it. It is still painful.

I run into this woman periodically… I did this morning…and I probably will forever, until one of us moves out of this community. When I see her… I feel rage. I feel my neck and my face get hot and I just want to scream uncontrollably at her.

I know that in time, the intensity of these feelings will subside.

I don’t wish her ill… part of me feels sorry for her.

I don’t know if STBXAH has had any contact with her since we have been separated… or if he will. I assume he will at some point… doesn’t matter anymore….

Anyway, I don’t like the emotions I feel when I see her. I have never felt this type of rage toward anyone else ever. And I don’t know what to do when I see her. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Sometimes I ignore her…
Once I confronted her, and told her what I thought of her…
Other times I say “HI! How are you?!” in a really fake exaggerated friendly way, and wave obnoxiously.
I know… immature, but I can’t stand seeing her and saying NOTHING… though I know that’s probably what I should do.

Right?

Any thoughts?

Thank you for listening

LifeRecovery

Kboys-

I don't know what to suggest, I just want you to know that I have a very similar situation.......and have had the same rainbow or reactions that you have. Really, truly, including not too long ago a VERY LOUD "Good Morning," to acknowledge that I had seen her in the grocery store, saw her recognize me and then not be clear what to do in the check out line.

It is not mature by any stretch for me. She was a good friend at one point (I have not run into my ex in the same way so I am not sure what I would do, but I suspect it would be similar).

I think MY reaction is somehow me trying to define that "I EXIST, I MATTER AND I TAKE UP SPACE IN THE WORLD." Even when my hubby's behaviour in the affair undermined that belief in me.

Though this part has changed over time I still have a physical emotional reaction when I see either of them.....even from a distance.

Thanks for posting....it makes me feel less alone, and reminds me that though I am not proud of my behavior....it is in the range of "normal" considering the absurdity of the situation.

happybeingme

You say you have told her what you thought of her so I am wondering have you done that with your husband? Have you really sat him down and said everything?

My guess is with either one the other or both you have not said everything you have wanted to say. Have you written everything out? Maybe try writing them both separately and see what comes out.

searching peace

I have suspicions that have not been confirmed that I am in the same boat with you both. It just makes my anxiety shoot through the roof to even contemplate. These women that knowingly had affairs with married men, in my opinion, should be the ones ashamed not yall. I'm sure the A's poured some poor me story about not being understood and not getting his needs met. But in my opinion of a man will tell that to another woman and not his wife and then sleep with the other woman, it isn't a man I would want to get involved with. I look around and the only decent men I see are married, and will stay that way. It is a sad sate of things that this is acceptable behavior in some places.
I apologize kboys but I laughed imagining you yelling hello and waving to this person. But I can only imagine how unfunny this entire situation is. I hate how other people's actions have the power to hurt us so deeply and cause us to feel negatively about ourselves.

LifeRecovery

Oh yes.

They say that recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years.

I am doing this stuff on the tail end of this time frame. Part of the reason was I did not GO OUT OF MY HOUSE for some time afraid I would "impact" her (and him) in some way. That is my stuff to work on for sure, but I think it plays into my current reactions (I don't feel that way anymore).

I am finding that 2-5 year time frame a valid time frame. At a year out the gaping wound of hurt was just starting to reduce hemorrhaging.

meggem

After being absent here for a bit I've recently posted and included was the intense hate that I have felt for my ......what is the acronym for Ex Husband (As of July 16th 2015) who is sober but is still an ass but maybe not so much but I'm not sure? ERAH?

Anyway - like you I have NEVER felt such rage for another person like I did/do him. It was very uncomfortable and I too would try all kinds of things like you mentioned.

I prayed for healing too. Whenever we would exchange the kids I would always wear sunglasses, even if it was gloomy out. I didn't want to get caught making eye contact with him because I was afraid of him, hurt by him and I literally thought I could kill him.

My anger has subsided and I can only attribute it to Time Heals. It's been a year for me and I am just starting to feel much less hate.

So although I haven't provided a solution, I can definitely relate!!

Kboys

Thanks ladies

Thank you for sharing LifeRecovery
"At a year out the gaping wound of hurt was just starting to reduce hemorrhaging."
Ugh... yeah, for me, it felt like the hurt just kept getting worse as the months went by in the first year. It hurts like nothing else I've ever experienced.

"I think MY reaction is somehow me trying to define that "I EXIST, I MATTER AND I TAKE UP SPACE IN THE WORLD." Even when my hubby's behaviour in the affair undermined that belief in me. "

This^^^^ makes sense to me too.
I have so many regrets about the way I handled things (or didn't handle them) when the affair was going on.. Things I wish I would have done (told her husband, confronted her immediately, NOT forgive him so easily SO many times) instead of just letting it happen because I was afraid of his anger, and afraid of making things worse.... even though they were already way down the $hitter....
so now, I don't know, I guess when I see her I feel like I just don't want to be silent anymore!!

Thanks happybeingme...
I used to try to talk about it with him, and I hoped for some kind of validation, and a real heartfelt apology, in the way that I would apologize if the tables were turned... but that never happened, and it just made him angry when I brought it up, just like when I brought up his drinking or other abusive behaviors... so I stopped. I've written some things out, and that does help... I hope to do more of that.

Thanks searchingpeace... I totally agree.
"I apologize kboys but I laughed imagining you yelling hello and waving to this person. "
And don't apologize Sometimes it makes me laugh too... laugh like a crazy person. HA.
Making up "nicknames" for her that I imagine calling her one day, and that I used to refer to her as to STBXAH also makes me laugh... I'll take a chuckle where I can get it.

Kboys

Thank you meggem...
I read your thread yesterday. I'm glad you stopped in, I had wondered how you were doing

Praying

I'm a few years out...and in another relationship...but I was just thinking the other day how odd it is that I still get hit with random surges of that old anger. Not often, but something happens the right way and reminds me. For me I think that, even though I'm mostly healed, in my eyes it is just so WRONG, I still can't really believe people can do it. And lie about it to someone who is forgiving and loves them. Instead of just being honest and leaving, which is a little bit better.

I don't see his affair often, but she did turn into his wife. His wandering eye will not cease, since he seems to constantly need female affirmation...the woman doesn't know what she's in for (though I guess she should).

This might be on the juvenile front, but for me, giving her a knowing smile as if I won the game works wonders when I see her...and is the truth I believe...makes me feel like I made a choice to benefit me because of his behavior (when I filed for divorce). The knowing smile leaves her wondering...

LifeRecovery

Hokey Pete can I relate to what you wrote above, but the forgiving part especially rings true.

I read a great book (by a affair expert though it was not about affairs per se) call "How Can I Forgive You....and the Freedom Not To." The author is Janis Abrahm Springs. It was fantastic because I tend to believe that fogiving is forgetting and this book gave me permission to not to do either, ever but especially until I was ready.

My ex's affair finally got me dealing with the alcohol use that had plagued our relationship for many years. He also married his affair partner (I am not sure but she may struggle with alcohol too), but affair/alcohol cracked open for me some much needed healing.

I count is as a victory that the last time I saw his affair partner though I said "Good Morning" loud enough to wake up the block....I did not shake for 15 min afterwards.....it may be silly, but it is progress.

Whatever works. I spent months singing Sesame Streets "One of these things is not like the other....." to help me to realize that me NOT having an affair did not make me bad.....just different from the other individual involved.

searching peace

I have to ask, why didn't you tell her husband? Would you want her husband to tell you if he knew and you didn't? I think...big deep breath...that I would want to know. I think knowing is better than wondering? But that is just my opinion. And I can already read that some people will post it is not your place to tell him. But the two of you are in the same boat and who would you be protecting by not telling him? He may not believe you, but why wouldn't he. Do you have proof other than your husband telling you this happened? I ask only because my husband (in 23 days ex ugh) lied to me and told me that his ex wife had made advances etc. and it want true except in his sick NPD mind. But if I was the wife (in your case husband) that was cheated on, I would definitely want to know.

AnvilheadII

just for me, i don't see the other woman any more culpable than one's married partner. "she" is not the problem......that he went out and sought another woman is........

if we are in a happy contented relationship, the hottest man on the planet could go all Rickey Suave on us and it would be like a mosquito to be swatted away. so not interested.

but....if we are feeling unappreciated or undervalued or just plain used, the attention of another male MAY incite something inside of us, light some fire, and we may find ourselves seeking that attention more and more.

then you have people who just don't have sturdy built in set of morals, values and ethics and may see a chance "opportunity" as no big deal, didn't MEAN anything.

or maybe someone on a business trip, got a bit too toasted at the hotel bar and found themselves back in the hotel room with some stranger, getting nekked.

outside of a forceable rape, with ADULTS, no one can FORCE another to engage in sexual encounters without their consent. regardless of their marital status.

if your partner hooks up with someone else.....then they are no longer committed to YOU, they have made other choices. whether the object of their affection be a co-worker, pta president or a hooker.......

just my personal experience, from both sides............

dandylion

Kboys.....I think the wailing wall exercise would be very helpful to dissipate some of the rage that you feel.

dandylion

redatlanta

Where do you run into this woman? In public somewhere?

Last year I was at a party with a good friend of mine. Several years ago her best friend whom was living with my friend at the time (due to a divorce and financial mess), had an affair with my friends husband. Nice huh? Anyway this woman was as the party we were at. My friend said lately she had seen her a couple of times at social gatherings recently and the ex-friend would come up and engage her! Unbelievable the nerve!

So, she did at this party. Walked right up to our table and said "hi Ms. Q how are you? blah blah blah". My poor friend froze. I interrupted the "friend" and introduced her to the table like this "Everyone meet Ms. C, she screwed Ms Q's ex husband in her home when Ms. Q was at work and had an affair with him for 5 months". Hee hee hee. Silence. Bye! She has never approached my friend again.

I put the blame equal on the parties that participate but it really isn't you who should be feeling nervous when running into this woman it should be her. I would loudly pronounce her as my husbands mistress for all to hear. Its not so much about trying to embarrass her rather about taking power back. Once should be enough to send her scurrying back to whatever rock she climbed out of, and to go out of her way to avoid you in the future.

searching peace

Ok redatlanta, I seriously want to be your friend! That is hilarious and so what I would have done also!!!!

FeelingGreat

K, you say you don't wish her ill, but it's pretty obvious you want to beat her over the head with a baseball bat. I don't blame you at all, it's a natural reaction. You've confronted her already, she know how you feel, and chances are she is ashamed of what she did.
My suggestion is you ignore her; you're going to feel the anger but there's no dignified outlet for it in a chance encounter. You certainly don't want to get into a meet and greet habit, so maintain your dignity. She's the one who should be feeling awkward.

hopeful4

Rise above it babe. I totally understand, but continuing on with this anger is only toxic for one person, that is you.

firebolt

Betrayal of that nature is so horrible. I understand your feelings - we're women. We are supposed to have each other's backs. If a married man hit on most of us, we'd want to tell him to pound sand, and tell his wife to run. She did just the opposite.

Bottom line is, she wasn't committed to you, she doesn't owe you anything. I had a boyfriend cheat on me, it took me YEARS to get over. HAHA - I thought he was the love of my life! Now, I'm so thankful for the experience. Because I know the pain, I will never, ever do that to another human being. I couldn't say the same thing before it happened to me.

You said you feel sorry for her - A gal that can do that to another gal (let alone put herself in that position of 2nd best to the wife) doesn't care much for herself right now. I hope you can find the blessings in this, and I hope one day you can flash her a genuine smile when you see her in public.

Kboys

Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate all of your perspectives.


I do know that HE is the problem. HE is the one who was supposed to be committed to me. She owed me nothing... but I know that I would never do that, if I knew he was married, which she did. ESPECIALLY after being cheated on myself, like she was... so that's part of what makes me so angry. I said that to her... the only time I had an actual conversation with her, and she replied "Well that's the difference between you and me."

I want to get past it, though, I do. I know it's not doing me any good. I want to get to the point where you are, LifeRecovery, where I can see her and NOT have a physical reaction, and maybe flash her a genuine smile...

Hi Red I love that you did that at the party. You're awesome.
I ran into her at the gas station yesterday- I see her at the store, or I see her driving, and several times I've seen her at my office. She's there a lot, dropping off paperwork, or whatever. I don't have to work directly with her... but just seeing her makes me seethe!

Hi searchingpeace... I agree, I would have wanted her husband to tell me, if he knew. I wish I would have told him right away. Honestly, in the beginning, it didn't occur to me ?? AH told me that her husband had recently cheated on her, and that they were in the process of breaking up... (they have since gotten back together, and then split up again) So maybe I thought it wouldn't make a difference... I don't know. Like I said, if I could go back, there are a lot of things I would have done differently... I was such a mess at that point, I don't know...

I guess I did sort of contradict myself by saying I don't wish her ill, but also that I want to scream at her, and hit her over the head with a baseball bat...
I would never actually do that though.

It's just that she represents SO much hurt... and some of the worst experiences of my life, and the most horrific pain... so when I see her, I guess it all comes back to me and I feel all these emotions that I don't know what to do with.

Thanks to you all

Kboys

Hi dandy...
I just read some about the wailing wall. I like it