Arininateo

Hello, I'm new here and looking for some tips I guess, been with my alcoholic BF for 3 years he's been a heavy drinker and drug user for 10 years. Lots of back story maybe another time. So he was sectioned by his sister to go to rehab which he's been now for 15 days. He is coming home on Tuesday. I'm really nervous about him coming home I'm afraid I won't be a supportive partner because I still have so much anger and resentment that I'm not over. I am currently in therapy and trying to work on me too. How do I stay positive so he has a chance at this. We talked tonight on the phone and we actually got into a little fight because I wanted to go to his therapy session when he gets out so we can discuss his recovery plan and plan of action as a couple and he refused. Said I'm not his mom. I just don't know how to be supportive if he's not including me in helping him. And I'm angry deep down inside :/

Butterfly

Hi and welcome to SR. Sorry for the circumstances that has caused you to search for us.

Its understandable how your feeling and I think its really positive that you are seeking help and support for you.

Unfortunately you cant force him to include you in his recovery plan, thats his recovery that he needs to focus on you need to focus on your own recovery. There is lots of information in teh stickies at the top of the F&F forum that will help you with providing support to your bf but right now you need to focus on your recovery and let him focus on his.

There will many others along soon who have more experience than I do who will be able to provide you with more advice.

((((Hugs))))

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (both of whom were in recovery at one point--one is 35 years sober) and I'm almost seven years sober, myself. Trust me--the less involvement you have in his recovery "plan" the better. The people who can best support him are his therapist and sober guys out there who understand what he's going through and can cut through the BS that alcoholics/addicts bury themselves in.

The best "support" you can give him is to be as patient as you can if things are a little weird for a while. It takes time to get your "sea legs" in sobriety, and the more you focus on yourself and your own recovery the less frustrated you will be by the process.

Al-Anon has a great program for dealing with YOUR anger and resentments. I'd suggest you give it a try.

honeypig

I'm going to second Lexie here, his recovery is HIS, and hard tho it is to believe, nothing you do or don't do will cause him to drink/drug again or NOT drink/drug again. There is a saying in Alanon about the 3 C's: We (the partner, spouse, friend, etc.) didn't Cause the addiction/alcoholism, we can't Control it and we can't Cure it. It's important to remember that.

As far as your own anger and resentment, holy cow, how in the world would you possibly be expected to get over 10 year's worth in 15 days, just b/c he's in rehab? You've got a ton of your own stuff to process, and just as his recovery is HIS, this stuff is YOURS. Alanon and SR are both great resources for learning how to do that.

I hope you can take some time to read around the forum. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. You might find these 2 threads from the stickies to be a good starting point:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

Hope you find the support you're looking for here, and hope you keep coming back. Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.

NYCDoglvr

Getting sober is a solitary experience. I suggest staying off the topic of his therapy and recovery entirely. Simply be there for him.

AnvilheadII

he's only been in treatment for a couple of weeks, and it will barely be three weeks sober by the time he gets out. NO ONE gets better in that amount of time....not him and not you.

you don't HAVE to be the perfect supportive partner in order for him to be successful at staying sober. in fact your best approach is HANDS OFF his recovery. he is going to do what he is going to do. if he is going to be involved in any type of aftercare, it will be upon HIM to attend. if he is going to go to AA meetings, that is on him. if he chooses to do NOTHING, that is on him.

if he chooses to drink again.........then you have some thinking to do.
your best bet is to begin to be supportive of yourself, keep your own program of "recovery" going, make sure to detach and not stick to him like a barnacle.

Arininateo

Thank you everyone, I have been so involved in him during the 3 years of our relationship trying to make sure he was ok, he went to work, he made his appointments, he didn't sleep on the floor after drinking all day, covering up for him after he's missed yet another family event, making excuses for him not being around or why is he "acting like that is he drinking" that I have no clue how to be hands off but I'm going to try. I've been doing my own therapy and have attended alanon meetings and I know in time I will be able to let go of all the ********. I love him with all my heart but I can't let his drinking rule my life anymore. I want to be positive but I don't want to give all my hope in this because I know it's such a 50/50 chance.

ShootingStar1

You might want to read Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No More. It's been a bible to many of us as we began to learn what it really means to live your own life and let others live theirs.

I was married to my now XAH for almost 20 years, and gone and divorced now 3 years. It look me a long time and a lot of heartache, but I now know and believe that each of us gets to live our life as we want. That includes alcoholics and drug users. For a long time, I thought that I could - should - try to control my husband's behavior to fit into my standards of what reasonable behavior is.

That had little success, and he finally asked me, essentially, what was I doing meddling in his life and his choices. Well, he was and is right. He is a separate being, an adult, and has the authority and accountability to make his choices and live as he wants. He is not a child; and he gets to make his own decisions, regardless of what I or others think of them.

When I stopped focusing on him and trying to mediate or change or excuse or cover up what I considered "his bad behavior", all that was left was to focus on my own behavior and on my own life.

What surprised me, when I stepped back and started to do that, was realizing, "Well, so do I. I don't have to live in the prison of this alcohol abuse frame of life that he created and he expected me to support. I get to choose what makes me healthy and happy regardless of what he chooses or expects of me."

When I got through the devastation and trauma of leaving someone who had been so abusive, I began to find myself again. The silence and serenity of those first weeks alone were priceless. And over time, as I healed from the worst of the trauma, I began to scrutinize my past behavior and take responsibility for my interference in his life.

That led me separate myself from the emotional "Siamese twin" that I had become; not being able to see where I began and stopped, and not being able to see what was his to own and what was mine.

That has been the most liberating journey of my life.

I never went back to my then AH because the abuse was so severe and he didn't truly want to stop drinking and using porn, although he has apparently moderated his drinking successfully up to this point. But that's his story, not mine.

My introspective time, my time with myself, has been precious, terribly difficult, intense, and joyful.

Whether or not you stay with your BF, you can go through this process of self revelation on your own. And I agree that his path, whether in recovery or whatever he chooses, is his and his alone.

If you can find individual counselling with someone well versed in addiction and codependence, find a strong Alanon group, post here on SR as often as you want, I think that will help you clarify who you are and what you want long term. You can look up past posts of people like myself who have travelled this journey and see what we learned, how we traversed these most difficult days, and with the support of SR friends, moved through it.

ShootingStar1

Bookaboo2

Thank you for making your post. Because i to am needing help and advice on how to deal with my ABF. I am learning that the best way to deal with him is to be completely selfish an worry about my feelings more than his. Am really glad i joined this site

Liveitwell

Shooting star-sister, you took all the words out of my mouth. I could have written every word for my life-thank you for posting

Arininateo

So he came home, things have been pretty up and down just emotions wise he is very loving and sweet but then he will withdrawal and say nothing. He is feeling a lot of guilt because of what he has done while drinking, he gets angry when he talks about getting sectioned, he's thankful, he's scared ect.
I'm trying to enjoy our time because he's sober and I have not had him like this in a long time, I give him space and time to work on his sobriety and staying on course but it's difficult because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with the different moods. I know I need to be patient with him and it's on his time so I don't want to stress him out. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying a lot that this is what we needed to turn our life around and be "normal", funny how I think of normal couple as being able to actually do things together not worrying about someone being "drunk" all the time and "hiding" the alcoholism from everyone. Thank you everyone for your support I will update again! Prayers always welcome 🙏

FireSprite

I understand this - I had done so much for so long for so many people in my life that it became my automatic response & I had internally labelled it as the "right" thing to do. Seemed like a no-brainer; when someone in my circle had any unmet needs or wants I'd move mountains to find solutions. Who wouldn't? (answer: most of the people I helped!)

An exercise that helped me separate supporting someone from "doing for" them was to examine every individual situation as it arose. Then I'd STOP & think instead of going with whatever my first response was & put it to the litmus test: Is this something that a grown man can/should be doing for himself? and then consider any extenuating circumstances (if any) before proceeding.

Ex: RAH needs a Dr's appt scheduled. He knows it & it has literally nothing to do with ME & my person at all.

Yes, a grown man should be able to make his own dang medical appts. He can take time out of his workday to call the same exact way that I can. He is not incapable in ANY way.

Now - if he was working 15 hour days or out of town doing job training or had some other really great reason that he needed me to help I'd have no problem doing so - but he also needs to ASK me like an adult man & not just assume that I will prioritize it for him.

Very, very normal in early recovery. I found it best to simply observe more than speak whenever possible. It's hard but helpful if you can not take it personally & realize that his body & mind are both going to go through a lot of changes during this initial period of drying out. RAH was all over the map & his moods & emotions changed suddenly, often without warning.... or he'd be triggered by something & have huge reactions. He could not regulate his emotions in early recovery at ALL.

So, what are you doing FOR YOU during all of this? Even if you aren't interested in Al-Anon or other support groups it's helpful to have a hobby or activities to keep you busy & detached from all that he's going to be going through. This really is JUST the beginning of a very unpredictable ride. ((((hugs))))

Arininateo

Thank you for posting, good to know this is normal. I'm having major doubts right now though 😞 we were cooking dinner and I asked him what he wanted to do tonight, he responded with the most gut wrenching heart stopping thing I think he could of said, " I want to watch a movie and get a bottle of wine" my heart dropped and I said "what" he then responds with " you don't think that we are going to be an old boring couple that doesn't do anything right?, I will drink again maybe wine or beer but I won't get drunk or have any hard stuff". Only 21 days sober and he wants to drink now. I know that he will always want to drink, that the urge is there but I know there is no hope now, once he starts he WONT stop and I need to figure out my exit plan my heart is broken right now because I know where this will lead and it was all for nothing. I thought he was my soul mate, we were supposed to get married and have babies and it's done 💔💔💔💔💔

dandylion

Arininateo.....perhaps it would be better ifd he moved to a sober living house.....as much to relieve you as for him...lol!

Perhaps this is a good thing....better to find out now than after you are trapped in a marriage with a couple of little kids being drug through this stuff....

You are going to need a l ot of help yourself......I hope that you are reading"Co-dependent No More".
Early sobriety is Hell for the alcoholic and double (triple) Hell for the co-dependent......

dandylion

redatlanta

Oh man, I am really sorry.

Alcoholism is a disease of denial and it seems your ABF is still in denial. Belief that change of type of alcohol as a means to moderate will work is a common thought process. My guess is in rehab he met some folks that were "worse" off than he so he will also use that as a metric to gauge his drinking issues.

At least you know up front.

You just had a two week break I am curious how did you feel while he was gone? Were you relieved that you weren't having to deal with his alcoholic madness?

Lots of people remain stuck in relationships because of the fantasy they create around it. I once was in a relationship that was dream for 6 months, then it became a nightmare for 2 years. I kept trying to get back to the first 6 months, i lived in the first 6 months. There were enough "moments", maybe days here and there, that would replicate when the relationship was healthy to keep me hanging on to the dream of what could be, rather than the reality of what was.

I wish I has been as smart then as I am now. Why hang on to something that's been bad far more than it was ever good? Once out of it and after getting from distance from it I realized the man was never my soul mate. Just a sick puppy that I was trying to nurse back to health.

Stay strong and make plans to take care of yourself. There is no good to come out of this.

honeypig

Arininateo, I can totally relate to your feelings when he said "get a movie and a bottle of wine." I don't even know what word describes it...

My XAH has claimed to be sober/in recovery over the last 6 years--first 4, pretending to go to meetings but not really going, hiding his drinking and lying about it, then for the next 2, actually going to meetings and working w/a sponsor but still hiding his drinking and lying about it.

I just found out in late June that he had never quit drinking or lying about it in that last 2 years. I then converted our legal separation to a divorce. I know he was still drinking as of last Saturday. He recently told me he had never once, NEVER, made a phone call to a fellow AA member or reached out in any way when he felt like drinking. He just drank. And to me, that said the truth in a way I'd never heard it before. Whatever he may tell me (or himself), he does not want to quit drinking, plain and simple. He has been going thru the motions all this time in order to preserve his life as it is. And as long as that is the case, nothing will change.

My heart breaks for you--I wish you clarity to see your path and strength to follow it. So sorry you find yourself where you are now.

Liveitwell

Just sending hugs-it's so heartbreaking-we do understand. Peace to you!

Lilro

It's like a kick in the stomach.... Hang in there!!! Hugs to you!!

LexieCat

I'm so sorry--most of us know that feeling. The good news is that there IS life after a relationship ends. Your dream turned out to be "just a dream" but there IS real happiness out there for you.

Hugs,

FireSprite

Ahhh.... he's already "throwing pillows ahead" as I've heard it called. Basically meaning that he's already laying the groundwork for a relapse & soft landing.... preemptively vocalizing defensive excuses & justification for future actions. In his mind, he's already given himself permission to relapse so the only thing left is to do it. Obviously, he's still experiencing a LOT of denial.

It's interesting also that he seems to see it as either/or - Either he's drinking OR he's not doing anything (fun). People manage all sorts of great activities, hobbies & events while sober.

I'm sure you're disappointed - all the more reason to focus more on YOU, the part of the puzzle you can control & create change for!