Understanding consequences of drinking behavior?
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Understanding consequences of drinking behavior?
Hello everyone,
I joined this forum quite awhile ago when my AH was in his first recovery. He was sober for 100 days and went back to secret drinking. This was shortly after he lost his job due to alcohol abuse. At this point my mother fell very ill and I was her primary care giver. So, working full time, taking care of a terminally ill parent, two kids and a drunk husband. Needless to say, I didn't spent too much time on myself.
After my mother passed, I gave my husband the ultimatum - quit or be gone. Of course, not the right thing to do because he would quit and then start up again. (just for reference, he is a secret drinker - never in public). I changed it up at that point and told him that he needed to get into treatment or get out of my house.
He did a 4 week residential treatment program - 90 meetings in 90 days, got a job, a sponsor and has been sober since he left the program.
All should be good right? It isn't. I think it goes without saying, we had a ton of issues in our marriage. He has cheated, been verbally abusive and a couple of times was physically abusive. He told me frequently that I was the root cause of all of his problems. He regrets marrying me and has been miserable the entire time he has spent with me.
I told him that I would not do any sort of marital counseling until he was sober a year. He is approaching the year and has started to approach me with 'issues' he has with me. I am just not ready to do this. I am looking for some help on what I should expect.
My question is this: What should I expect from my RAH as it relates to understanding the past and his part in making me the person that I am today?
He says is that he did and said horrible things while drinking and he is accountable for that. But he is not going to get 'sucked in' to arguments that we had before. Understand that I never sucked him into an argument - he was drunk and would berate me for hours and sometimes I would fight back. That dynamic is on him. The fact that I tense up every time we don't agree is a result of how he treated me.
I feel like he just wants to say that he is accountable for what he did and then move on. I guess this isn't enough for me, but I don't know if my expectations are too high.
Thanks for reading,
Bluetomato
I joined this forum quite awhile ago when my AH was in his first recovery. He was sober for 100 days and went back to secret drinking. This was shortly after he lost his job due to alcohol abuse. At this point my mother fell very ill and I was her primary care giver. So, working full time, taking care of a terminally ill parent, two kids and a drunk husband. Needless to say, I didn't spent too much time on myself.
After my mother passed, I gave my husband the ultimatum - quit or be gone. Of course, not the right thing to do because he would quit and then start up again. (just for reference, he is a secret drinker - never in public). I changed it up at that point and told him that he needed to get into treatment or get out of my house.
He did a 4 week residential treatment program - 90 meetings in 90 days, got a job, a sponsor and has been sober since he left the program.
All should be good right? It isn't. I think it goes without saying, we had a ton of issues in our marriage. He has cheated, been verbally abusive and a couple of times was physically abusive. He told me frequently that I was the root cause of all of his problems. He regrets marrying me and has been miserable the entire time he has spent with me.
I told him that I would not do any sort of marital counseling until he was sober a year. He is approaching the year and has started to approach me with 'issues' he has with me. I am just not ready to do this. I am looking for some help on what I should expect.
My question is this: What should I expect from my RAH as it relates to understanding the past and his part in making me the person that I am today?
He says is that he did and said horrible things while drinking and he is accountable for that. But he is not going to get 'sucked in' to arguments that we had before. Understand that I never sucked him into an argument - he was drunk and would berate me for hours and sometimes I would fight back. That dynamic is on him. The fact that I tense up every time we don't agree is a result of how he treated me.
I feel like he just wants to say that he is accountable for what he did and then move on. I guess this isn't enough for me, but I don't know if my expectations are too high.
Thanks for reading,
Bluetomato
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi blue, I'm glad you've found SR again and your RAH is sober for now. Your story made me wonder how old he was when he started drinking, because his perceptions seem like those of an adolescent boy rather than a man who has been through rehab, and is actively working the steps (I presume).
Whether you should go to MC is up to you. Against would be that it might be useless and unpleasant. For could be that it would allow you to bring up the past and get it out in the open. You might even get through to him.
A good counsellor would not allow the sort of unfettered arguments and blaming that go on in a domestic row. One of the advantages of MC is that it's a controlled environment where you can speak your mind while the counsellor is there to ensure any conflict is constructive. You can say you're not ready to forgive, and the reasons why.
My gut feeling is that you would benefit from therapy yourself, alone. If you can gain some perspective on yourself and your marriage, the MC could help you as much as him.
If you refuse to go to MC, does that mean you're giving up on your marriage? It doesn't seem like it can continue indefinitely with your RAH and you harbouring resentment against each other. It's strange that your RAH says how miserable he is yet wants to go to MC, or do you think he sees it as a way of getting someone else to see how 'horrible' you are? He might be in for a shock.
Whether you should go to MC is up to you. Against would be that it might be useless and unpleasant. For could be that it would allow you to bring up the past and get it out in the open. You might even get through to him.
A good counsellor would not allow the sort of unfettered arguments and blaming that go on in a domestic row. One of the advantages of MC is that it's a controlled environment where you can speak your mind while the counsellor is there to ensure any conflict is constructive. You can say you're not ready to forgive, and the reasons why.
My gut feeling is that you would benefit from therapy yourself, alone. If you can gain some perspective on yourself and your marriage, the MC could help you as much as him.
If you refuse to go to MC, does that mean you're giving up on your marriage? It doesn't seem like it can continue indefinitely with your RAH and you harbouring resentment against each other. It's strange that your RAH says how miserable he is yet wants to go to MC, or do you think he sees it as a way of getting someone else to see how 'horrible' you are? He might be in for a shock.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Hi blue tomato. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.
It sounds like he has a lot of issues that are separate from drinking. I wouldn't want to go to counseling with someone who has the attitudes that he seems to have. I agree with FG, it sounds like he just wants to turn you into his emotional garbage dump with a therapist to legitimize his mistreatment of you. He has that childish mindset that there's something to be won by getting people on his side.
Being sober doesn't necessarily mean he has the self-awareness or desire to truly own his behavior. You say he has a sponsor. Is he in AA? Has his sponsor taken him through the steps? If so, I'm curious what his amends to you were like.
Some individual therapy for you might be the best thing right now. You need support to deal with all of this, and it's high time you started taking care of you.
Big hugs.
It sounds like he has a lot of issues that are separate from drinking. I wouldn't want to go to counseling with someone who has the attitudes that he seems to have. I agree with FG, it sounds like he just wants to turn you into his emotional garbage dump with a therapist to legitimize his mistreatment of you. He has that childish mindset that there's something to be won by getting people on his side.
Being sober doesn't necessarily mean he has the self-awareness or desire to truly own his behavior. You say he has a sponsor. Is he in AA? Has his sponsor taken him through the steps? If so, I'm curious what his amends to you were like.
Some individual therapy for you might be the best thing right now. You need support to deal with all of this, and it's high time you started taking care of you.
Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Hi Feeling Great - you are very perceptive.
I really don't know when he started drinking. I am guessing in his teens, but one thing I have found in the past years is that a lot of what I thought I knew about his past were lies.
I guess I thought that through his rehab and working the steps that he would come to this on his own. That he would realize that he is going to need to really own up to what he has done - more than just saying he is accountable.
Many of the things that he has complained about in the past are defense mechanisms I had in place to combat his personality and behaviour. I am not exactly sure that some of those will ever change.
When we went to MC after the affair, I am convinced AH was looking for the 'I told you so' moments and given some things the counselor said, I am also sure he lied. It was never going to get the job done, so I quit. Which of course, I continued to hear about. How he tried to fix things but I refused. You can't fix lies.
I am going to have to decide something here pretty quick, but perhaps I can propose some IC before we tackle MC. Maybe with the same person.
Thanks so much for your perspective. It helps
I really don't know when he started drinking. I am guessing in his teens, but one thing I have found in the past years is that a lot of what I thought I knew about his past were lies.
I guess I thought that through his rehab and working the steps that he would come to this on his own. That he would realize that he is going to need to really own up to what he has done - more than just saying he is accountable.
Many of the things that he has complained about in the past are defense mechanisms I had in place to combat his personality and behaviour. I am not exactly sure that some of those will ever change.
When we went to MC after the affair, I am convinced AH was looking for the 'I told you so' moments and given some things the counselor said, I am also sure he lied. It was never going to get the job done, so I quit. Which of course, I continued to hear about. How he tried to fix things but I refused. You can't fix lies.
I am going to have to decide something here pretty quick, but perhaps I can propose some IC before we tackle MC. Maybe with the same person.
Thanks so much for your perspective. It helps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
LadyS - thanks for your reply.
RAH is in AA, does have a sponsor, and is/was working steps. I would have to say that either he hasn't gotten to Step 9 yet or I missed the amends part. And that is a very good point - I really think that is what I am looking for.
I told him that I get he was drunk when he said terrible things to me -- but how much of it does he really believe? Since he was a secret drinker for soooo many years,....there were times I knew he was drunk, but I never realized how often that really was.
I do need to look for a counselor for me. It has been a very difficult 1.5 years and it is taking a toll. Sometimes, I think there should be a residential treatment program for spouses of alcoholics.
Thanks for listening.
blue
RAH is in AA, does have a sponsor, and is/was working steps. I would have to say that either he hasn't gotten to Step 9 yet or I missed the amends part. And that is a very good point - I really think that is what I am looking for.
I told him that I get he was drunk when he said terrible things to me -- but how much of it does he really believe? Since he was a secret drinker for soooo many years,....there were times I knew he was drunk, but I never realized how often that really was.
I do need to look for a counselor for me. It has been a very difficult 1.5 years and it is taking a toll. Sometimes, I think there should be a residential treatment program for spouses of alcoholics.
Thanks for listening.
blue
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Blue, I am really sorry you are going through these things. A few things I want to say.
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Abusers abuse
And
None of these things have anything to do with alcoholism.
In order for counseling to work you both have to be willing to face whatever comes out in the sessions. For you, I suggest Al-Anon and perhaps a domestic violence support group. Start taking care of you first. Than consider marital counseling.
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Abusers abuse
And
None of these things have anything to do with alcoholism.
In order for counseling to work you both have to be willing to face whatever comes out in the sessions. For you, I suggest Al-Anon and perhaps a domestic violence support group. Start taking care of you first. Than consider marital counseling.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hey Blue, welcome back. Reading your post I can't help wondering, do you WANT to fix/work on your marriage? Reading between the lines it sounds like there may be too many resentments on both sides & maybe this 1 yr break gave you enough space to change your mind? I think individual counseling was a great suggestion. .... decide whether it's what you want/ something you can heal past before starting MC. Things like abuse & infidelity can be definite deal breakers, no one could fault you for feeling that way. (((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Oh dear,
I did individual and eventually we did some scattered MC with the same Counselor when he was sober a year. My RAH was supposed to start individual this spring and of course it didn't come to fruition. He is deeply frightened of emotions and counseling.
My RAH claims he finished 9. I never got an amends formally. However, he definitely lives his life much better than he did and is much more supportive and involved in family life. Maybe he thinks a living amends is enough for his wife.
I gave my 9 amends in counseling this spring. My H could not accept it and said my truth was not honest. It made me see he had so much denial about what went down between us when he was drinking. He couldn't even hear my acceptance of what I did wrong he has so much denial. I realized one of my biggest problems is he shuts down my emotions any way he can because he can't deal with them - ever. He is passive aggressive about it. It really was a huge moment of clarity. I needed that protective environment to give my step 9 so I could get it out. I also realized he is so emotionally stunted that I will not ever get that step 9 formal amends - that movie moment that would finally make all of my codependent stick-to-it worthwhile.
So we are great friends despite all of this between us. We are raising our son. I tackled a lot of my abandonment issues and I have the faith in myself to know at any day I could pull him to the side and say, 'I'm done.' For now he is sober, things are peaceful. But he is codependent and controlling himself. I really learn a lot about codependency out maneuvering him I swear!
I did individual and eventually we did some scattered MC with the same Counselor when he was sober a year. My RAH was supposed to start individual this spring and of course it didn't come to fruition. He is deeply frightened of emotions and counseling.
My RAH claims he finished 9. I never got an amends formally. However, he definitely lives his life much better than he did and is much more supportive and involved in family life. Maybe he thinks a living amends is enough for his wife.
I gave my 9 amends in counseling this spring. My H could not accept it and said my truth was not honest. It made me see he had so much denial about what went down between us when he was drinking. He couldn't even hear my acceptance of what I did wrong he has so much denial. I realized one of my biggest problems is he shuts down my emotions any way he can because he can't deal with them - ever. He is passive aggressive about it. It really was a huge moment of clarity. I needed that protective environment to give my step 9 so I could get it out. I also realized he is so emotionally stunted that I will not ever get that step 9 formal amends - that movie moment that would finally make all of my codependent stick-to-it worthwhile.
So we are great friends despite all of this between us. We are raising our son. I tackled a lot of my abandonment issues and I have the faith in myself to know at any day I could pull him to the side and say, 'I'm done.' For now he is sober, things are peaceful. But he is codependent and controlling himself. I really learn a lot about codependency out maneuvering him I swear!
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bluetomato......I will be very straight forward with you about this.
I heartily support the idea that happybeingme suggests----that your counseling be with an abuse support group.....and that your individual counselor also be someone who is EXPERIENCED in domestic violence.
Marriage counseling can sometimes do a ot of damage to the victim of the abuse.
Hon, as I see it you have been in an abusive situation for a long time...and are currently so...
Abuse isn't always being hit--it comes in m any forms and has enormous negative impact on the person being abused. The scars are often on ht inside where others can't see.
If you haven't done so....read up on abuse in the stickies at the top of the main page here...or on some websites dedicated as such. (erase your user history).
Contact your local domestic violence organization and talk to o ne of th eir very understanding workers...you can also ask to be set up for therapy and a support group, if you want. . All of this is kept verrry private.
If you don't wan t to face his reaction......I suggest telling him that you are getting "help" for your "anxiety" and personal "shortcomings". (wink, wink). You can say it is at a woman's "health center"....lol!
I hope that you will give consideration to my words....and, please continue to post, here and let us know how you are doing,
People here have a lot of concern for each other.....
dandylion
I heartily support the idea that happybeingme suggests----that your counseling be with an abuse support group.....and that your individual counselor also be someone who is EXPERIENCED in domestic violence.
Marriage counseling can sometimes do a ot of damage to the victim of the abuse.
Hon, as I see it you have been in an abusive situation for a long time...and are currently so...
Abuse isn't always being hit--it comes in m any forms and has enormous negative impact on the person being abused. The scars are often on ht inside where others can't see.
If you haven't done so....read up on abuse in the stickies at the top of the main page here...or on some websites dedicated as such. (erase your user history).
Contact your local domestic violence organization and talk to o ne of th eir very understanding workers...you can also ask to be set up for therapy and a support group, if you want. . All of this is kept verrry private.
If you don't wan t to face his reaction......I suggest telling him that you are getting "help" for your "anxiety" and personal "shortcomings". (wink, wink). You can say it is at a woman's "health center"....lol!
I hope that you will give consideration to my words....and, please continue to post, here and let us know how you are doing,
People here have a lot of concern for each other.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Abusers abuse
And
None of these things have anything to do with alcoholism.
at least your husband has stopped drinking, going to AA and working the program. But, has he acknowledged his abusive behavior? The infidelity? It sounds like these are the real issues that you have with your RAH...I have been doing a lot of reading here on this site and books about abuse, co dependency, passive aggressive behavior...in my situation this is what I have issues with my AH...he does not acknowledge that he is abusive...he is very controlling...it sounds like your RAH may be as well? What I am learning is they do not change that about themselves..They want to put the blame on someone else so they don't have to look at themselves for what they have done...t is an exhausting roller coaster...one that I trying to decide whether or not to keep riding...I understand what you are going through...are you creating a plan B in case it doesn't work out? So sorry you are going through this too.
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Perhaps you should consider your own feelings. Do you trust and respect him? Do you want a relationship? Just because someone stops drinking doesn't mean they turn into someone you want in your life. And some hurts can't be mended. Don't "expect" anything, but you have a right to your feelings and having the best life possible.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I feel like he just wants to say that he is accountable for what he did and then move on. I guess this isn't enough for me, but I don't know if my expectations are too high.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Wow, so many posts! I can't post during work hours so I will try to address all of my thoughts now!
Am I happy? Nope. Is he happy? Nope. Doesn't make for a great environment.
To be clear - since he has been working the program, he has not been abusive. There has been no verbal abuse, no physical. He is working, doing some things around the house and really working with the kids so they trust him again. He has not even raised his voice once since he came back from treatment. This does not excuse what he has done in the past. And it does not mean he won't go back to this behavior. I know this.
Do I want this marriage - I waffle on this one. I am not sure I know who he is. I don't think he has ever really been himself since I met him 2 decades ago. I am not in a place where I can trust him yet. I still come home every day and wonder if he will be passed out on the couch. His fear is that trust will never come back - and with good reason.
Passive aggressive - yep, he is. Completely. And what is funny is he says it is one of my faults. I think I am as a defense mechanism with him, but not with others in my live. He also has this need to have perfect strangers think he is 'cool, hip, etc. '. Everyone has this to an extent, but he is over the top about it - clothes, car, job etc.
I see the point on getting a counselor that is experienced with DV - and I think this is a fear of mine regarding MC - that I will get (verbally) beat up again. I have read a lot on DV, including what is on here and frankly until I did that - I really never saw what he did as abuse.
I don't he sees what he did as abusive. I think his sobriety would be in serious jeopardy if he faced what his life has been - even just the last 10 years. In my mind, I don't think he can change enough without doing this exercise. I think that is why he wants to sweep it under the rug with a blanket responsibility statement. If that is what he wants to do, I fear he won't understand why I react to different things the way I do.
Emotionally stunted - that pretty much sums up RAH. He complained at one point that I didn't ever love him. I asked how many times I told him I loved him, did things for him, appreciated him. His response? He said I was lying, that I didn't mean it. How does one combat that?
Someone asked me what my expectation is of him and after all of these replies I don't know that I can answer anymore. I think originally it was the 'movie moment'. Then it turned into him understanding why I am 'me'.
At this point, I think I represent to RAH a life that he doesn't want to remember or face. I am beginning to believe this can't be fixed.
I will be fine on my own and I could live with leaving him when I can be reasonably comfortable that he won't drink himself to death. I think he wants to move on and find someone that doesn't remind him of his dark life. I could see if we split and he was fair financially that we could ultimately be friends. I cannot see myself ever being in a relationship again.
I have a lot to think about. Thank you all for your replies. I have read through them all multiple times.
Blue
Am I happy? Nope. Is he happy? Nope. Doesn't make for a great environment.
To be clear - since he has been working the program, he has not been abusive. There has been no verbal abuse, no physical. He is working, doing some things around the house and really working with the kids so they trust him again. He has not even raised his voice once since he came back from treatment. This does not excuse what he has done in the past. And it does not mean he won't go back to this behavior. I know this.
Do I want this marriage - I waffle on this one. I am not sure I know who he is. I don't think he has ever really been himself since I met him 2 decades ago. I am not in a place where I can trust him yet. I still come home every day and wonder if he will be passed out on the couch. His fear is that trust will never come back - and with good reason.
Passive aggressive - yep, he is. Completely. And what is funny is he says it is one of my faults. I think I am as a defense mechanism with him, but not with others in my live. He also has this need to have perfect strangers think he is 'cool, hip, etc. '. Everyone has this to an extent, but he is over the top about it - clothes, car, job etc.
I see the point on getting a counselor that is experienced with DV - and I think this is a fear of mine regarding MC - that I will get (verbally) beat up again. I have read a lot on DV, including what is on here and frankly until I did that - I really never saw what he did as abuse.
I don't he sees what he did as abusive. I think his sobriety would be in serious jeopardy if he faced what his life has been - even just the last 10 years. In my mind, I don't think he can change enough without doing this exercise. I think that is why he wants to sweep it under the rug with a blanket responsibility statement. If that is what he wants to do, I fear he won't understand why I react to different things the way I do.
Emotionally stunted - that pretty much sums up RAH. He complained at one point that I didn't ever love him. I asked how many times I told him I loved him, did things for him, appreciated him. His response? He said I was lying, that I didn't mean it. How does one combat that?
Someone asked me what my expectation is of him and after all of these replies I don't know that I can answer anymore. I think originally it was the 'movie moment'. Then it turned into him understanding why I am 'me'.
At this point, I think I represent to RAH a life that he doesn't want to remember or face. I am beginning to believe this can't be fixed.
I will be fine on my own and I could live with leaving him when I can be reasonably comfortable that he won't drink himself to death. I think he wants to move on and find someone that doesn't remind him of his dark life. I could see if we split and he was fair financially that we could ultimately be friends. I cannot see myself ever being in a relationship again.
I have a lot to think about. Thank you all for your replies. I have read through them all multiple times.
Blue
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Have you done any recovery work, like in Alanon?
I made amends to my abusive ex (in a letter) when I did step 9. I wasn't at fault for the abuse, but I did have a part in the bad dynamic in our relationship (I was extremely codependent). A lot of what I did, I looked at as a reaction to him or a defense mechanism, but that didn't make it right. A lot of my bad behavior was the direct result of me sticking around for way longer than I should have, and I am 100% responsible for that choice.
I made amends to my abusive ex (in a letter) when I did step 9. I wasn't at fault for the abuse, but I did have a part in the bad dynamic in our relationship (I was extremely codependent). A lot of what I did, I looked at as a reaction to him or a defense mechanism, but that didn't make it right. A lot of my bad behavior was the direct result of me sticking around for way longer than I should have, and I am 100% responsible for that choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
LadyS - I have been working steps but on my own. I don't do well in groups so I really need to find an IC that can help me.
I have tried to tell him that I realize that I am not perfect. I know I have faults. But what I see as my faults don't match the ones he has about me...I guess.
After reading and thinking a lot...I believe he wants out. He doesn't want to be the one to say it. I think that is ultimately what his affair was about and contributed to his drinking. Two really damaging coping mechanisms.
Until this point he was un/under employed and separating would have meant filing bancruptcy. Now he has a job where he could support himself.
I don't think he can live with me and stay sober. I am the past that will haunt him forever. The constant reminder.
I just needed to come to that realization and it all makes sense.
Blue
I have tried to tell him that I realize that I am not perfect. I know I have faults. But what I see as my faults don't match the ones he has about me...I guess.
After reading and thinking a lot...I believe he wants out. He doesn't want to be the one to say it. I think that is ultimately what his affair was about and contributed to his drinking. Two really damaging coping mechanisms.
Until this point he was un/under employed and separating would have meant filing bancruptcy. Now he has a job where he could support himself.
I don't think he can live with me and stay sober. I am the past that will haunt him forever. The constant reminder.
I just needed to come to that realization and it all makes sense.
Blue
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi bue, have you asked him directly about separating? Frankly, it seems much more civilised than the way he's behaving now.
You're probably right about him not being able to live with you, but linking it with his sobriety is a step too far. It sounds like his sobriety is dependent on you, when it's not. Another way of looking at it is that he's projecting his own struggle onto you. Unless he has an epiphany and changes it's more about why should you put up with him?
You're probably right about him not being able to live with you, but linking it with his sobriety is a step too far. It sounds like his sobriety is dependent on you, when it's not. Another way of looking at it is that he's projecting his own struggle onto you. Unless he has an epiphany and changes it's more about why should you put up with him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
So a bit of an update:
RAH will be doing 6 months of IC with an addiction counselor. I have met her and we had a good conversation. I would really like her as a counselor, but that probably wouldn't work so great with AH seeing her as well.
We did have a good conversation, and I was happy for a bit. DD came home and I was in another room. RAH was chipper and chatty and sounded happy with her. With me in the room, he is sullen and mopey.
I did a budget. I know what it would take to leave, but he would have to make some concessions for a couple of years for it to work. He starts the counseling next week. If I don't notice any change in the way he is acting, then I will need to approach a separation.
This is tough, and really not where I imagined we would be when he got sober. But in doing more reading, I am finding that it is not uncommon.
Thanks for your input, and making me think outside of my bubble.
Blue
RAH will be doing 6 months of IC with an addiction counselor. I have met her and we had a good conversation. I would really like her as a counselor, but that probably wouldn't work so great with AH seeing her as well.
We did have a good conversation, and I was happy for a bit. DD came home and I was in another room. RAH was chipper and chatty and sounded happy with her. With me in the room, he is sullen and mopey.
I did a budget. I know what it would take to leave, but he would have to make some concessions for a couple of years for it to work. He starts the counseling next week. If I don't notice any change in the way he is acting, then I will need to approach a separation.
This is tough, and really not where I imagined we would be when he got sober. But in doing more reading, I am finding that it is not uncommon.
Thanks for your input, and making me think outside of my bubble.
Blue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hi blue.... It sounds like there's a lot that you're mulling over. I can't really offer any advice but something was said that reminded me of how awful I once was in a particular relationship. A good friend of mine told me after I broke up with that ex that she thought I was really controlling and always complained.... and of course, I blamed my behavior on him. He was emotionally abusive, cheated on me, did meth behind my back, stole money from me... lied... gah. He did it all. And even though I didn't know about the cheating until years after the relationship, all of the other bs he did was awful and yet I endured it. That is my fault... or at least, my responsibility.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: once I left him I was NEVER the person I was with him ever again in my life. Is it because of the specific dynamic he and I had that was so toxic? Was I really so awful because of his behavior and was only defending myself? Or have I just grown as a person? I may have had other not so great relationships after him, including my xabf, but none so toxic as with him.
Years later he is still the awful person he always has been (and the dad of my youngest), and he has NEVER apologized or acknowledged what he did to me. (At this point I don't even care.) But, by leaving I was able to continue to grow...
Maybe that's where you are at... just ready to grow, and so far, he isn't moving with you in that growth. That's a huge disconnect. Different paths. Could wind back together in time. Or you could take the fork and keep going.... because there is no guarantee that his quitting will eventually lead to his growing.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: once I left him I was NEVER the person I was with him ever again in my life. Is it because of the specific dynamic he and I had that was so toxic? Was I really so awful because of his behavior and was only defending myself? Or have I just grown as a person? I may have had other not so great relationships after him, including my xabf, but none so toxic as with him.
Years later he is still the awful person he always has been (and the dad of my youngest), and he has NEVER apologized or acknowledged what he did to me. (At this point I don't even care.) But, by leaving I was able to continue to grow...
Maybe that's where you are at... just ready to grow, and so far, he isn't moving with you in that growth. That's a huge disconnect. Different paths. Could wind back together in time. Or you could take the fork and keep going.... because there is no guarantee that his quitting will eventually lead to his growing.
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