Curious questions re AX
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Curious questions re AX
He has finally seemed to have hit his bottom, years on he is reaching for a relationship with his little son and being proactive - it's crazy but I assume the battle in court has caused something to shift in his life either that or the issues with his girlfriend. Has anyone been in this position where their completely stunned and wonder if it's a trap? Would you still be a bit cautious and not trust them? He really couldn't fake this bottom if he tried.. It seems to be so legitimate it scares me.. but something is telling me it's because he and his girlfriend aren't getting on. Your thoughts?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Its possible he could have decided something.
I would go at this only from the standpoint of the decision of the court proceeding. Supervised visits when they are supposed to be. I would not get involved with talking with him or discussing his situation.
If he decides to clean his act up he has a long way before trust is built. Its more likely to be a phase than the be a reality you'll have to wait and see.
I would go at this only from the standpoint of the decision of the court proceeding. Supervised visits when they are supposed to be. I would not get involved with talking with him or discussing his situation.
If he decides to clean his act up he has a long way before trust is built. Its more likely to be a phase than the be a reality you'll have to wait and see.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Psychopaths are masters of acting. He probably is just sick of the court proceedings and figures if he can fool you you will drop everything. Don't trust him or his actions. You will only regret it.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Of course you should still be cautious and not trust him. Of course you should still be questioning his motives and intentions. It's just common sense really based on his previous behaviour. Your gut feeling is even telling you it's not real. It would be pretty crazy to just trust that everything's fine now.
Time will tell whether he is serious. Relationships take time to build and a commitment. He will show you soon enough how much his relationship with his son means.
Living in the future, on fantasies, will rob you of today.
Time will tell whether he is serious. Relationships take time to build and a commitment. He will show you soon enough how much his relationship with his son means.
Living in the future, on fantasies, will rob you of today.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My late sponsor used to say, "Every bottom has a trap door."
IOW, yes, he may have hit a "bottom" of sorts, but that doesn't mean he can't fall further.
I hope for your son's sake that he does embrace recovery, but if I were you I'd be VERY cautious and observant about what really comes of this "epiphany." Let things take their course. I wouldn't draw any conclusions about his recovery for months and months. Even if he's committed to getting well, he will be a mess for quite a while.
IOW, yes, he may have hit a "bottom" of sorts, but that doesn't mean he can't fall further.
I hope for your son's sake that he does embrace recovery, but if I were you I'd be VERY cautious and observant about what really comes of this "epiphany." Let things take their course. I wouldn't draw any conclusions about his recovery for months and months. Even if he's committed to getting well, he will be a mess for quite a while.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Definitely sleep with one eye open on this. Addicts are very adept at switchback behavior. They are used to doing a certain dance with us. When we change the steps it's confusing to them. They will then change, but only to get us back to doing the same old step again. Time, lots of time, will tell.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by happybeingme 
Psychopaths are masters of acting. He probably is just sick of the court proceedings and figures if he can fool you you will drop everything. Don't trust him or his actions. You will only regret it.
He might have run into some circumstances that are now forcing him to alter his behavior, but that doesn't mean that HE has changed on a fundamental level.
I think your doubts about whether this is genuine are the most telling bit of your op. Your username is killer instinct for a reason. Those instincts are trying to tell you something.
If he is for real, then he will have years to build a relationship with your son, and he will do the hard work to earn everyone's trust.
Right now he has supervised visits and court ordered mental health evaluations to contend with. He has a lot of incentive to appear to be getting better. More will be revealed.
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You're over-thinking it KI. Your job is merely to act as your son's advocate. To this end it doesn't matter why your X is acting better, and a few weeks of acting better doesn't make him father of the year.
Of course you should be skeptical. Always. You have no idea what motivates him. You can't ask him. Even if you could you wouldn't be able to believe him.
Again, your primary job here is to act as your son's advocate. You represent him just as an attorney represents you. Would you want an attorney that simply believed it when an adversary acted kind of nice. Of course not. You want an attorney that's willing to be cunning, and fierce, and suspicious, and smart for you.
Of course you should be skeptical. Always. You have no idea what motivates him. You can't ask him. Even if you could you wouldn't be able to believe him.
Again, your primary job here is to act as your son's advocate. You represent him just as an attorney represents you. Would you want an attorney that simply believed it when an adversary acted kind of nice. Of course not. You want an attorney that's willing to be cunning, and fierce, and suspicious, and smart for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
don't try and READ the tea leaves. what goes on in his head is NONE of your business. i'd also caution you against wishful thinking that he has seen the light, and he'll be BACK. court was what, a week ago?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, KI. I would definitely be cautious. And this is why:
AXH was largely out of our life for about a year after I left him. He'd show up once in a blue moon, drunk or to promise he'd help support our son, and be gone again. It changed when he found a GF who had kids of her own and let him move in with her. Judging from the comments both of them made, AXH was trying to prove he was good dad-material, and she was pushing him on why he didn't have DS 1/2 the time like she did with her Ex.
I was certain he'd changed. That he was no longer was abusive or drinking or using. I assumed that because of the appearances they were both projecting. The thing is they both had a huge stake in making sure that illusion looked real.
She kicked him out a couple times and finally got a restraining order against him and told him to go. The paperwork she filed for the RO outlined abusive behavior throughout the time they lived together. It showed a marked escalation in his physical abuse of her beyond what he put me through. And she kept bringing my son into that.
Had AXH changed? No. Did he want to see DS? Most likely. (DS is the most amazing kiddo. I can't imagine not watching him learn and wonder.)
Was it a great situation for DS to be in? No. DS loved the idea of seeing his dad; still does. But the visions of a great weekend that DS hoped for didn't necessarily come about. Instead he was often subjected to his dad's hidden drinking and using; his dad's violence (physical and sexual) towards his GF.
I know beyond a doubt that DS longs for a real relationship with his dad. I wish he had that for that for his sake, too. But while DS still hopes, I have to be realistic. Without real, honest recovery work and without a very LONG period of learning new ways to think about relationships and how to truly honor and respect other's feelings and beings, AXH is not a safe person for DS to be around.
In case it will help clarify, I had never thought AXH abusive towards DS. He'd scream at little DS for knocking over his beer or 'water'; he'd ignore that DS was around. He'd play with him and do some other Dad-type things that I'd give him credit for. (See, I should stay. He can be such a great dad.) He never hit him, never hurt him physically. Not that I witnessed or that DS ever confided. But that doesn't mean AXH wasn't abusive. A good dad does not hurt the mother of his child, or the significant other who is helping to care for his child. No matter how much I try to convince myself that DS never saw his dad hurt me, it doesn't mean he didn't hear it. That he didn't feel it in the tension and fear in our house. The fact that he never saw his father hold my face over boiling water or cooking food or any of the other things he did, doesn't mean AXH was a good dad. It doesn't mean that it didn't impact DS in a profound way.
If AXH came back now, I'd let him tell the court and myself EXACTLY, in great detail, not only why he's changed, but also about all of the long, painful work he's put in to stop using and to remedy his abusive behavior. And I would ask for proof, in so much as it can be provided. Certificate of completion of a new rehab stint. Testimony from counselors.... Something more than him just saying 'I'm sorry. I know better now.' And I'd still insist on supervised visits for a while. Let him prove that he actually can abide by the rules imposed by an outside force, before he's granted less-restricted access to our son.
AXH was largely out of our life for about a year after I left him. He'd show up once in a blue moon, drunk or to promise he'd help support our son, and be gone again. It changed when he found a GF who had kids of her own and let him move in with her. Judging from the comments both of them made, AXH was trying to prove he was good dad-material, and she was pushing him on why he didn't have DS 1/2 the time like she did with her Ex.
I was certain he'd changed. That he was no longer was abusive or drinking or using. I assumed that because of the appearances they were both projecting. The thing is they both had a huge stake in making sure that illusion looked real.
She kicked him out a couple times and finally got a restraining order against him and told him to go. The paperwork she filed for the RO outlined abusive behavior throughout the time they lived together. It showed a marked escalation in his physical abuse of her beyond what he put me through. And she kept bringing my son into that.
Had AXH changed? No. Did he want to see DS? Most likely. (DS is the most amazing kiddo. I can't imagine not watching him learn and wonder.)
Was it a great situation for DS to be in? No. DS loved the idea of seeing his dad; still does. But the visions of a great weekend that DS hoped for didn't necessarily come about. Instead he was often subjected to his dad's hidden drinking and using; his dad's violence (physical and sexual) towards his GF.
I know beyond a doubt that DS longs for a real relationship with his dad. I wish he had that for that for his sake, too. But while DS still hopes, I have to be realistic. Without real, honest recovery work and without a very LONG period of learning new ways to think about relationships and how to truly honor and respect other's feelings and beings, AXH is not a safe person for DS to be around.
In case it will help clarify, I had never thought AXH abusive towards DS. He'd scream at little DS for knocking over his beer or 'water'; he'd ignore that DS was around. He'd play with him and do some other Dad-type things that I'd give him credit for. (See, I should stay. He can be such a great dad.) He never hit him, never hurt him physically. Not that I witnessed or that DS ever confided. But that doesn't mean AXH wasn't abusive. A good dad does not hurt the mother of his child, or the significant other who is helping to care for his child. No matter how much I try to convince myself that DS never saw his dad hurt me, it doesn't mean he didn't hear it. That he didn't feel it in the tension and fear in our house. The fact that he never saw his father hold my face over boiling water or cooking food or any of the other things he did, doesn't mean AXH was a good dad. It doesn't mean that it didn't impact DS in a profound way.
If AXH came back now, I'd let him tell the court and myself EXACTLY, in great detail, not only why he's changed, but also about all of the long, painful work he's put in to stop using and to remedy his abusive behavior. And I would ask for proof, in so much as it can be provided. Certificate of completion of a new rehab stint. Testimony from counselors.... Something more than him just saying 'I'm sorry. I know better now.' And I'd still insist on supervised visits for a while. Let him prove that he actually can abide by the rules imposed by an outside force, before he's granted less-restricted access to our son.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Thanks guys, I think this is the most crucial part in my journey, this is the part where I have nooooo experience on how he may act.. because I have never been here before.. its so easy to give in and forget about all of the lies and deception.. I know everyone deserves a chance to show they want change in their life, hell I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the mercy and grace of those I have hurt however I will be on guard here.. its time for me to let him go and heal and move forward for my son and I - God he almost destroyed me.. he really did.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Yup, You said it," it's so easy to give in and forget about all the lies and deception."
It occurred to me reading that, forgetting everything is a way of going back into denial and not having to do anything or change anything on my side of the street.
It occurred to me reading that, forgetting everything is a way of going back into denial and not having to do anything or change anything on my side of the street.
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