AH did not come home - DUI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Oh ((((sad))))
I totally get it, and so relate to what you posted, my dry AH says the same things, and it is infuriating!
"I'm the only one who is trying to make changes in this relationship," he says "you're not even trying!" What?! All he has done is stop drinking. He is still an unpredictable jerk 50% of the time, and he still lies, and he's still unreasonably jealous and controlling and manipulative. Of course I'm not perfect either, but I AM working on myself.
My AH has been dry since last October, and he had moved out for a very brief period of time just before that. I let him come back because I couldn't handle the emotions. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else. and it hurt SOOOO much to have the future and the dreams taken away. I still wanted the man that I had when I first met him, so I let him come back and figured we'd give it one more try. I honestly never thought he would be able to go this long without drinking.
We have had a lot of good times in the last seven months, but just as much bad.
If I could go back in time, I would have powered through. I would have dealt with the hard emotions with SR support and any other support I could get, and I would NOT have let him come home. But I wasn't ready at that point. It's so hard to think clearly and see the big picture when you have been dealing with the insanity of living with an active abusive A.
Take advantage of SR, go to Al-anon, catch up with the friends you haven't seen for a while, and take care of you and your kids.
I know how hard it is, but you know what you have to do
Sending you strength and hugs!!!
I totally get it, and so relate to what you posted, my dry AH says the same things, and it is infuriating!
"I'm the only one who is trying to make changes in this relationship," he says "you're not even trying!" What?! All he has done is stop drinking. He is still an unpredictable jerk 50% of the time, and he still lies, and he's still unreasonably jealous and controlling and manipulative. Of course I'm not perfect either, but I AM working on myself.
My AH has been dry since last October, and he had moved out for a very brief period of time just before that. I let him come back because I couldn't handle the emotions. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else. and it hurt SOOOO much to have the future and the dreams taken away. I still wanted the man that I had when I first met him, so I let him come back and figured we'd give it one more try. I honestly never thought he would be able to go this long without drinking.
We have had a lot of good times in the last seven months, but just as much bad.
If I could go back in time, I would have powered through. I would have dealt with the hard emotions with SR support and any other support I could get, and I would NOT have let him come home. But I wasn't ready at that point. It's so hard to think clearly and see the big picture when you have been dealing with the insanity of living with an active abusive A.
Take advantage of SR, go to Al-anon, catch up with the friends you haven't seen for a while, and take care of you and your kids.
I know how hard it is, but you know what you have to do
Sending you strength and hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
The BAC should be on his ticket. That is what it was when pulled over. In my state you have to blow again in a bigger and more complex machine once you get to jail and that is the one that sticks in court.
I'm so sorry my friend. It does suck and I hate alcoholism too.
I'm so sorry my friend. It does suck and I hate alcoholism too.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Well I would take a look at the ticket first. You need to figure out if he refused because that could end up being another issue.
Do they take blood sample at the jail? Here its done at a hospital and has to be requested by the detainee. Again I am really sorry. Normally I would say let him deal with it, but since the events surrounding will have implication on you I suggest some transparency. Its his bag to solve, but you do need to know what you are looking at financially, and as far as loss of license. It differs state by state here your license will be suspended 10 days after receipt of DUI unless you request a special hearing and so forth.
Do they take blood sample at the jail? Here its done at a hospital and has to be requested by the detainee. Again I am really sorry. Normally I would say let him deal with it, but since the events surrounding will have implication on you I suggest some transparency. Its his bag to solve, but you do need to know what you are looking at financially, and as far as loss of license. It differs state by state here your license will be suspended 10 days after receipt of DUI unless you request a special hearing and so forth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Well I would take a look at the ticket first. You need to figure out if he refused because that could end up being another issue.
Do they take blood sample at the jail? Here its done at a hospital and has to be requested by the detainee. Again I am really sorry. Normally I would say let him deal with it, but since the events surrounding will have implication on you I suggest some transparency. Its his bag to solve, but you do need to know what you are looking at financially, and as far as loss of license. It differs state by state here your license will be suspended 10 days after receipt of DUI unless you request a special hearing and so forth.
Do they take blood sample at the jail? Here its done at a hospital and has to be requested by the detainee. Again I am really sorry. Normally I would say let him deal with it, but since the events surrounding will have implication on you I suggest some transparency. Its his bag to solve, but you do need to know what you are looking at financially, and as far as loss of license. It differs state by state here your license will be suspended 10 days after receipt of DUI unless you request a special hearing and so forth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
If you do "get out" then you won't have the issue with your kids if he's not in the picture.
I suggest a lawyer ASAP for you to find out legally what your rights are.
Sorry you are dealing with his nasty blaming persona on top of the legal stress--
I suggest a lawyer ASAP for you to find out legally what your rights are.
Sorry you are dealing with his nasty blaming persona on top of the legal stress--
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If it had been you in jail instead, how would that have played out? How much would he be doing to help you?
This is a problem he has created for himself. You didn't sneak down to the bar and slip him a Mickey *eyeroll* or pour liquor down his throat then hand him the car keys. Of course he wants someone else to jump in and fix it, so he's pushing all the buttons that have worked in the past- guilt, blaming, shaming, pity, scare tactics. He's going to say and do anything he thinks will work to transfer this burden onto your shoulders.
You can choose not to accept it.
My ex tried the abandonment card on me when I left, but looking back, I can see that a healthy person (which I most assuredly was NOT at that point) would have left long before I did. What I called "love" was actually a horrible mixture of need, fear, shame and pity. If I had really loved him I wouldn't have spent five years enabling his alcoholism to progress.
This is a problem he has created for himself. You didn't sneak down to the bar and slip him a Mickey *eyeroll* or pour liquor down his throat then hand him the car keys. Of course he wants someone else to jump in and fix it, so he's pushing all the buttons that have worked in the past- guilt, blaming, shaming, pity, scare tactics. He's going to say and do anything he thinks will work to transfer this burden onto your shoulders.
You can choose not to accept it.
My ex tried the abandonment card on me when I left, but looking back, I can see that a healthy person (which I most assuredly was NOT at that point) would have left long before I did. What I called "love" was actually a horrible mixture of need, fear, shame and pity. If I had really loved him I wouldn't have spent five years enabling his alcoholism to progress.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
In most states including mine a refusal to blow on the side of the road is an automatic one year suspension of the DL. And who said he "couldn't even stand up"? Him? Thought he was in a blackout mmmmmmm...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
If it had been you in jail instead, how would that have played out? How much would he be doing to help you?
This is a problem he has created for himself. You didn't sneak down to the bar and slip him a Mickey *eyeroll* or pour liquor down his throat then hand him the car keys. Of course he wants someone else to jump in and fix it, so he's pushing all the buttons that have worked in the past- guilt, blaming, shaming, pity, scare tactics. He's going to say and do anything he thinks will work to transfer this burden onto your shoulders.
You can choose not to accept it.
My ex tried the abandonment card on me when I left, but looking back, I can see that a healthy person (which I most assuredly was NOT at that point) would have left long before I did. What I called "love" was actually a horrible mixture of need, fear, shame and pity. If I had really loved him I wouldn't have spent five years enabling his alcoholism to progress.
This is a problem he has created for himself. You didn't sneak down to the bar and slip him a Mickey *eyeroll* or pour liquor down his throat then hand him the car keys. Of course he wants someone else to jump in and fix it, so he's pushing all the buttons that have worked in the past- guilt, blaming, shaming, pity, scare tactics. He's going to say and do anything he thinks will work to transfer this burden onto your shoulders.
You can choose not to accept it.
My ex tried the abandonment card on me when I left, but looking back, I can see that a healthy person (which I most assuredly was NOT at that point) would have left long before I did. What I called "love" was actually a horrible mixture of need, fear, shame and pity. If I had really loved him I wouldn't have spent five years enabling his alcoholism to progress.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by SadInTX
I have been thinking about that too...about what a healthy person would be doing or have done....it makes so much sense. What I think is "love" is really a fear and control. He is trying to control me...so I won't leave. I have fear...fear of being alone, but right now that is looking good to me. I would rather be by myself than with someone that is as sick as he is right now and I know I cannot fix him.
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