AH did not come home - DUI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Update on AH DWI
I was able to attend both of my boys' baseball games on Saturday...then the rest of my day was filled with bail bond place, picking him up at jail, and getting his car. He said he was drugged...that someone must have put something in his drink...said he only had three margaritas. He blacked out, doesn't remember leaving the bar or being arrested. He thanked me for getting him out of jail. He said he was sorry, but in a way he doesn't seem very remorseful. We all handle situations differently, but I would have been so upset...he did say he needed to make some changes...and drinking was one of them...he didn't drink any alcohol Saturday or Sunday. I am thankful for that...just hope it lasts. He said he was grateful he didn't hurt anyone or himself. Now he has to deal with the repercussions of his actions. Inside I am angry, upset...thinking, "why did it have to get to this point before you stopped drinking???" I really need to go to Al Anon...How did your A handle their first DWI? How did you react and/or handle it afterwards?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I remember when my X got a DWI years ago. It was on St. Pats day. He had not drank a lot. However, I got up in the middle of the night, went and bailed him out, etc. Had to bring our little girl to jail to pick up daddy. Boy if only I had been an SR member then LOL!
I supported him, I went w/him to the attorney, to court, etc. HUGE MISTAKE. As the years passed, his drinking continued to the point he has ruined his own life. He can stay sober, has done so for a year or so after rehab. Eh....it still comes back. Had I had a brain in my head, I would have left then, immediately.
Let him suffer his own consequences. Don't try to handle it for him.
Go to Alanon, get support for YOU, so that no matter what happens in the future, you are strong enough in your strength to handle it.
Hugs to you.
I supported him, I went w/him to the attorney, to court, etc. HUGE MISTAKE. As the years passed, his drinking continued to the point he has ruined his own life. He can stay sober, has done so for a year or so after rehab. Eh....it still comes back. Had I had a brain in my head, I would have left then, immediately.
Let him suffer his own consequences. Don't try to handle it for him.
Go to Alanon, get support for YOU, so that no matter what happens in the future, you are strong enough in your strength to handle it.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Gosh Sad - this brings back a flood of memories.
My AH never had a DUI but I do remember him calling me after a night of binge drinking and God knows what else - I had moved out with our toddler daughter (she is now 14). My mother woke me to say he was on the phone, I was totally embarrassed. When I picked up he asked me to please come and save him. I was so angry that I told him "save yourself" and then hung up.
I hurt like hell to hang up and I just knew it would get worse before we knew he had to get better - and it did just that.
I've heard many times over "I wills stop", "I need to change", "I will do better", etc. But like we have seen written so many times - your AH's actions will speak louder than words!
Praying for you all.
Stay strong and yes, get to an Alanon meeting!
Tight hugs!!
My AH never had a DUI but I do remember him calling me after a night of binge drinking and God knows what else - I had moved out with our toddler daughter (she is now 14). My mother woke me to say he was on the phone, I was totally embarrassed. When I picked up he asked me to please come and save him. I was so angry that I told him "save yourself" and then hung up.
I hurt like hell to hang up and I just knew it would get worse before we knew he had to get better - and it did just that.
I've heard many times over "I wills stop", "I need to change", "I will do better", etc. But like we have seen written so many times - your AH's actions will speak louder than words!
Praying for you all.
Stay strong and yes, get to an Alanon meeting!
Tight hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi SadinTX...
"I really need to go to Al Anon...How did your A handle their first DWI? How did you react and/or handle it afterwards? "
Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there.
My AH was arrested twice for DUI.
The first one was before his drinking was too far out of control. We weren't married then (guess it should have been a red flag.... but life was different then, I was drinking too, no kids... anyway...)
I didn't have to bail him out, they just released him once his BAC was below .08.
His second DUI was a bigger deal. It was in a neighboring county to us, three hours away. I was NOT going to pay to bail him out, but he had a debit card with him, so he was able to do it on his own. I did go and pick him up though. My little one was six months old then, and I just wanted to have a relaxing Saturday with my babies that day too, but instead I made his crisis mine, and hauled my babies on an all day car trip, fretting the whole way, babies crying... ugh.
I wish I would have made him find his own way home.
He said he was going to stop drinking then. He was back to it within a couple of days. He still hasn't completed all of his jail sentence for that one, or the other court- ordered requirements.
He was arrested three more times since then, twice for public intoxication and the last was for driving without a license.
I didn't bail him or pick him up any of those times, despite lots of his begging, and I'm glad I didn't.
He is dry now, since the day of his last arrest, but it took a lot more than just one DUI to get him to that point...
I hope this really is a wake-up call for your AH and that he is able to stick with it.
But yes, definitely get yourself to AL-anon if you can!
Will he go to AA?
(((Hugs))) to you
"I really need to go to Al Anon...How did your A handle their first DWI? How did you react and/or handle it afterwards? "
Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there.
My AH was arrested twice for DUI.
The first one was before his drinking was too far out of control. We weren't married then (guess it should have been a red flag.... but life was different then, I was drinking too, no kids... anyway...)
I didn't have to bail him out, they just released him once his BAC was below .08.
His second DUI was a bigger deal. It was in a neighboring county to us, three hours away. I was NOT going to pay to bail him out, but he had a debit card with him, so he was able to do it on his own. I did go and pick him up though. My little one was six months old then, and I just wanted to have a relaxing Saturday with my babies that day too, but instead I made his crisis mine, and hauled my babies on an all day car trip, fretting the whole way, babies crying... ugh.
I wish I would have made him find his own way home.
He said he was going to stop drinking then. He was back to it within a couple of days. He still hasn't completed all of his jail sentence for that one, or the other court- ordered requirements.
He was arrested three more times since then, twice for public intoxication and the last was for driving without a license.
I didn't bail him or pick him up any of those times, despite lots of his begging, and I'm glad I didn't.
He is dry now, since the day of his last arrest, but it took a lot more than just one DUI to get him to that point...
I hope this really is a wake-up call for your AH and that he is able to stick with it.
But yes, definitely get yourself to AL-anon if you can!
Will he go to AA?
(((Hugs))) to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SadInTX 
Inside I am angry, upset...thinking, "why did it have to get to this point before you stopped drinking???" I really need to go to Al Anon...
Have you been able to spend some time reading here? You'll find any number of stories like this--and you'll see that a declaration of "I'm not drinking anymore", when not accompanied by any sort of plan or program for recovery, is pretty much just a bunch of empty words and won't last long.
Please do get to that Alanon meeting, and do keep on reading and posting here. I suspect that it won't be long before things crack open again....take care of yourself and the kids.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
No one bailed me out of my last drunken arrest. I got out on my own and started going to AA.
Jail gives you time to take an inventory. Having a safety net under you each time you go there, stops you from feeling the effects of your actions.
Jail gives you time to take an inventory. Having a safety net under you each time you go there, stops you from feeling the effects of your actions.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It's been 1.5 yrs & he is STILL handling the details of his DUI.
Our insurance costs are through the roof which put a big strain on our already stretched budget (high premiums which, btw, he'll be stuck with for at least 3 yrs from the date of the offense). Plus the fees for court, fines & towing/impound fees. And monthly check-ins with a probation officer. Court-ordered DUI classes (also expensive).
The DUI alone wasn't enough for him to really start creating change however. He still failed to see his trajectory & had a lot of anger that he focused on all the wrong things. He didn't continue drinking but continued with his poor behaviors which were the big underlying issue all along anyway. He got into bigger trouble about a month later & that time he got left in jail for 6 days because I refused to post bail. After about 3 days I did agree to let his best friend & brother know what was happening since he had no way of contacting them. (our local jail will only allow outgoing collect calls which you can't do with many cell phones & even when you can, you have to be able to remember the number & after years of storing #'s in his cell without dialing them, he had no clue what those #'s were.) That was more for them than him though, honestly.
I was quite done & focused on myself & DD; I was confident in my ability to handle life for us & wasn't willing to extend him any help whatsoever. I had prepared for the "maybes" & stashed some cash savings, surrounded myself with supportive people, stalked SR reading everything I could relate to. He tried working my empathy at first, "I can't believe after 20 yrs you're going to leave me here like this!" I responded that I couldn't believe that after 20 yrs he'd acted in a way that would MAKE me feel that way. I pointed out that his own actions had also tied my hands in being ABLE to help him - he'd been lying about money & income, the titling on his trucks/trailers/etc were all screwed up & nothing I could fix. Even if I wanted to try it would've taken me months to straighten it all out. Finally, he simmered down & stopped projecting his anger & BS on me & he started owning his behavior.
I have not dealt with one single part of any of this - court & probation dates, fines, lawyers, classes.... nothing. Zero. I won't. He had 2+ years sober & attending meetings when all of this went down. He created the mess & he needed to deal with the details. He'd had access to people & tools that would have helped him without all this drama, but he just wasn't ready for whatever reasons.
It's been a sloooooow road but he has finally started to show real changes since all of this happened. Finally his intentions are more than just words & I see actions backing them up. He's still far from perfect & some days are harder than others but overall I definitely see progress in the right ways.
Our insurance costs are through the roof which put a big strain on our already stretched budget (high premiums which, btw, he'll be stuck with for at least 3 yrs from the date of the offense). Plus the fees for court, fines & towing/impound fees. And monthly check-ins with a probation officer. Court-ordered DUI classes (also expensive).
The DUI alone wasn't enough for him to really start creating change however. He still failed to see his trajectory & had a lot of anger that he focused on all the wrong things. He didn't continue drinking but continued with his poor behaviors which were the big underlying issue all along anyway. He got into bigger trouble about a month later & that time he got left in jail for 6 days because I refused to post bail. After about 3 days I did agree to let his best friend & brother know what was happening since he had no way of contacting them. (our local jail will only allow outgoing collect calls which you can't do with many cell phones & even when you can, you have to be able to remember the number & after years of storing #'s in his cell without dialing them, he had no clue what those #'s were.) That was more for them than him though, honestly.
I was quite done & focused on myself & DD; I was confident in my ability to handle life for us & wasn't willing to extend him any help whatsoever. I had prepared for the "maybes" & stashed some cash savings, surrounded myself with supportive people, stalked SR reading everything I could relate to. He tried working my empathy at first, "I can't believe after 20 yrs you're going to leave me here like this!" I responded that I couldn't believe that after 20 yrs he'd acted in a way that would MAKE me feel that way. I pointed out that his own actions had also tied my hands in being ABLE to help him - he'd been lying about money & income, the titling on his trucks/trailers/etc were all screwed up & nothing I could fix. Even if I wanted to try it would've taken me months to straighten it all out. Finally, he simmered down & stopped projecting his anger & BS on me & he started owning his behavior.
I have not dealt with one single part of any of this - court & probation dates, fines, lawyers, classes.... nothing. Zero. I won't. He had 2+ years sober & attending meetings when all of this went down. He created the mess & he needed to deal with the details. He'd had access to people & tools that would have helped him without all this drama, but he just wasn't ready for whatever reasons.
It's been a sloooooow road but he has finally started to show real changes since all of this happened. Finally his intentions are more than just words & I see actions backing them up. He's still far from perfect & some days are harder than others but overall I definitely see progress in the right ways.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by SadInTX
He said he was drugged...that someone must have put something in his drink...said he only had three margaritas. He blacked out, doesn't remember leaving the bar or being arrested.
Needless to say I stopped believing this eventually.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Tentindependent
Colour me cynical but my AXH came out with this one several times over the course of our marriage to excuse drunken bad behaviour. Someone else's fault, my drink must have been spiked...
Needless to say I stopped believing this eventually.
Needless to say I stopped believing this eventually.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I remember when my X got a DWI years ago. It was on St. Pats day. He had not drank a lot. However, I got up in the middle of the night, went and bailed him out, etc. Had to bring our little girl to jail to pick up daddy. Boy if only I had been an SR member then LOL!
I supported him, I went w/him to the attorney, to court, etc. HUGE MISTAKE. As the years passed, his drinking continued to the point he has ruined his own life. He can stay sober, has done so for a year or so after rehab. Eh....it still comes back. Had I had a brain in my head, I would have left then, immediately.
Let him suffer his own consequences. Don't try to handle it for him.
Go to Alanon, get support for YOU, so that no matter what happens in the future, you are strong enough in your strength to handle it.
Hugs to you.
I supported him, I went w/him to the attorney, to court, etc. HUGE MISTAKE. As the years passed, his drinking continued to the point he has ruined his own life. He can stay sober, has done so for a year or so after rehab. Eh....it still comes back. Had I had a brain in my head, I would have left then, immediately.
Let him suffer his own consequences. Don't try to handle it for him.
Go to Alanon, get support for YOU, so that no matter what happens in the future, you are strong enough in your strength to handle it.
Hugs to you.
Absolutely.
That means:
- Let them find and pay for a lawyer. And they will talk like they were persecuted, profiled and discriminated against to sell it.
-Let them talk to the lawyer and make legal/strategy decisions on their own. It's not a family project.
-Let them make arrangements to pay fines & costs of anything associated with the dui & penalties. They might ask for loans in drips & draps to minimize it.
-Let them arrange transportation to courses, community service, weekend jail and/or counseling. (in most states their driving privileges will be suspended until court mandates are completed). You should not have to be penalized because of their illegal behavior. As pointed out distances and driving times will not necessarily be convenient or cheap for you.
We made the mistake of helping the alkie/addict through a bankruptcy including a lawyer and accountant hoping he would view it as a fresh start. We figured since we weren't paying his actual debts it didn't matter as much. Wrong! Our reservations came true, he didn't tell the lawyer about all his existing debt/business and they and him came around trying to scarf up money. He tried to justify grobbling for money because his lawyer told him it's best to settle with one lump sum payment. He seemed to handle or find someone else to handle that debt for him but not us.
Sometimes they will make bad decisions or get the wrong people to help or advise them but it is their mess to clean up. The only way they can learn is being forced to deal with things on their own and that includes consequences.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
And...be prepared for letting him suffer those consequences to rub a burr on his butt.
The next time my X found himself involved w/the law in a much more serious way. I did leave that one to him, and it went on for quite a while. He still says how I "abandoned" him during that time, whaaa, whaaa, whaaa. Thing is, HE abandoned me and our girls. He will just never see it that way.
That is why we need all the support we can get. You have to be strong.
XXX
The next time my X found himself involved w/the law in a much more serious way. I did leave that one to him, and it went on for quite a while. He still says how I "abandoned" him during that time, whaaa, whaaa, whaaa. Thing is, HE abandoned me and our girls. He will just never see it that way.
That is why we need all the support we can get. You have to be strong.
XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
The problem one here is continuously trying to shame or guilt us with stuff we didn't do for them. It never stops, to top it off most isn't true. I guess flip phones can't call 911 or someone for a ride or job anymore. Only a smart phone can do that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by Tentindependent
Colour me cynical but my AXH came out with this one several times over the course of our marriage to excuse drunken bad behaviour. Someone else's fault, my drink must have been spiked...
Needless to say I stopped believing this eventually.
Needless to say I stopped believing this eventually.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SadInTX
two of the people he was with Friday night also blacked out...but it couldn't have been from all the alcohol (shots, margaritas, etc)...no...they were drugged...
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by SadInTX
I have been thinking the same thing, but he is going to file a police report after work regarding the incident...two of the people he was with Friday night also blacked out...but it couldn't have been from all the alcohol (shots, margaritas, etc)...no...they were drugged...I guess it could happen but I have my doubts...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by SadInTX
I really need to go to Al Anon...How did your A handle their first DWI? How did you react and/or handle it afterwards?
His was a dui accident, head on crash with a cement mixer! How he survived it I'll never know. He was brought to the ER for evaluation but took off shortly after the police tried to question him for fear of arrest. At some point, he doesn't remember, they took blood from him. He had a .26 BAC at least an hour after the accident!
He proceeded to put his head in the sand after learning that there was a warrant out for his arrest and did nothing about the dui charges until one day while riding with a friend who had an expired tag, they got pulled over and RAH was hauled off to jail. I of course bailed him out, and put up $1000 dollars for an attorney. He was sentenced with 6 months probabtion($50 per visit), DUI School($275), 20 sessions with a counselor ($25 each) 50 hours of community service, 6 months of an interlock device on his truck($75 per month) and about $975 in court costs and fines which I "lent" him the money for. I lent him money for most of this. I know I know, I was so stupid!
The Friday before his last probation appointment, he went out on a bender and apparently did cocaine (claims he didn't remember doing it)because he failed his final urine test which resulted in another warrant that he did nothing about. Six months later at 1:00 am, the city police came knocking on our door and took him to jail where he remained for a week while Super Codie scraped up $1000 for an attorney to get him out. Yes, really stupid!
About a year later he got his license back and drove with his interlock device for 6 months, and the weekend after the interlock was removed he started drinking and driving again!!! You'd think this mess would have at least made stop driving while intoxicated, but no. It was another 3-4 years before he finally found AA and has now been sober nearly 9 months. He's also just a couple hundred dollars shy of paying me back for all the money I shelled out for him.
If I had it all to do over again, I'd do nothing to help him through it unless he was actively working a sincere recovery program, and even then the help would be minimal. All the running around and shelling out cash did nothing to help him, and put me in very bad financial spot. I never let him feel the full consequences of his actions, I was so caught up in fixing it for him because I just knew he'd learned his lesson.
IMHO SadInTX, the best things you can do are
1. let him figure out his own crap which gives you more time to focus on yourself so you can...
2. Spend more time here on SR and..
3. Go to Alanon
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with his nonsense. Just don't let it be anymore your problem than is absolutely necessary.
They sure do know how to make messes!
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