Carlotta

You are absolutely correct. After I started practicing detachment this is when the abuse violence started escalating.
I just finished reading your thread and it brought back some bad memories for me:
sleep deprivation. He used to do that to me all the time, waking me up if I managed to sleep despite his brouhaha. He was one of those drunk assholes who need an audience. He especially liked to do that to me when I had to work early the following day. Thankfully he did not do it but you can expect him if you keep on trying to sleep like nothing is wrong to barge in your room screaming at you to wake up so he can babble his insanity to a captive audience and if you put on white noise, you might expect him at some point to pull the plug and break your radio or whatever electronic you are using (I tried the white noise).
Please be extremely careful and I am glad you are making your plans. Not engaging is good but for abusers, it's all about having an hostage and he ll do his best to get some attention.


PS: you know, this thread brings back a lot of memories and I am actually really grateful to be currently single.

searching peace

Does anyone know if there is a forum or site like SR but for Abuse and abuse victims? Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to recover and heal from an abusive relationship?

Dee74

There's a lot of DV information in the stickies for this forum (the posts that are permanently at the top of the page) like this one, searchingpeace:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

D

Jeni26

I'm not even sure my marriage comes close to any of these, and if I were to video him drunk he would be mortified.

Sober he is the kindest most gentle man. That's what is so sad.

knowthetriggers

Emotional abuse ---- the real killer here. There is nothing at all that you can do right, and when you think you got it right, the rules changed.

This statement right here - so true! Imagine being at a tender age of 19. You have been a wall flower all of your school years. You are a late bloomer. Then you find that "special guy".

His emotional abuse started slowly with me....You should let your hair grow out, you should wear this and not that. You would look so pretty if....yeah, I fell for it hook line and sinker. Didn't know any better.

It took a minute for my eyes to be open but then I started to feel smothered with control. I started to pull away. And that is when the abuse escalated. Something like: Where do you think you would be without me? Who is going to want someone like you? You were nothing and I made you into something beautiful.....and on and on and on. He once tried to strangle me in my parent's home. I have never told them this - never.

What is even more heartbreaking is I knew he was also cheating on me, but I stayed anyway. Took the abuse over and over, year after year. My silver lining, she got pregnant and he HAD to marry her and do the right thing.

Yeah, it hurt that he was getting married, but there was also relief. I felt a huge burden lifted from me.

Those memories are depressing aren't they. But today I can be thankful that I had them as they made me a stronger person.

Thanks for this post Amy, and thanks for letting me share.

Tentindependent

This describes me when I got together with my first husband. Unlike you, I married him and his abuse escalated. At one point, he mentioned a female colleague so often I was convinced he was having an affair. I asked him about it and he fell over himself to assure me that no, no way was he doing this and how sorry he was that I could even think such a thing! All the while, as he was droning on with what he thought I wanted to hear, I was sat there thinking "darn, and all I wanted was her address so I could bag your stuff and dump it on her lawn!"

Edited to add: Of course the emotional, physical and financial abuse wouldn't have been enough in itself. An affair would have made it 'acceptable' for me to leave.

searching peace

I don't even think an affair would have gotten me to leave. He had me hooked and no matter how many times he put his hands on me in anger and left bruises, no matter how many times throughout each day his words left permanent scars, all I could think of was what could I do or do differently that would bring that man back. That man that in the beginning was everything to me. The thought of who he was and who he might be again was enough to keep me taking all of his abide all day, every day.
Even now after we have not lived together in 11 months, his words and mental abuse still cut me to the core. I was with my children and all of a sudden I receive a text from him scolding me that he had missed his sons track meet. Then as if the text wasn't enough, he emailed me the video his ex wife took of the event. And chastised me some more for him missing it. I am not in town, hadn't talked to him and had even last week when he mentioned track meet told him he should try to go watch. But he was upset he missed it and I am the one for him to blame for everything even if it has nothing at all to do with me. He is such a smart men, why would anyone logical think this was my fault? Why does he take everything bad out on me even when I'm no where near the situation?

healthyagain

searching peace, this is so sad to read. Many, many hugs to you. You know, I think they just decided that we are going to be their punching bag (physically and emotionally). And even when and if we leave, the punching continues. Mine never hit me, never cheated (and I am absolutely convinced he generally has a very bad opinion about the female gender and sexuality), and I never thought I would say this, but I am very grateful today that he is asexual. I think they find out what is our greatest dream in life, and somehow crush it. He knew I wanted to be a mom, to start a family, and to grow old happy. I do not know about starting a family anymore, but I still have a darn good chance to grow old happy. If he is gone.

And the worst thing, you cannot be honest with them. You cannot just say, "Look, this ain't working. I suggest we part ways." Nope.

And another thing about detachment. Detachment must exist in these cases as well. But I do not think it is "detachment with love." It should be "detachment with extreme caution" and "no making waves."

freetosmile

" detach with extreme caution" --- I really like that.

Sunsun

I'm a survivor, and proud of myself for getting to today. Had it all, physical, financial, emotional, psychological full-on abuse. I thought I was going to die from it all. Scarred as hell by it all, broken but ok. Working really hard at learning and changing the only thing I can guarantee a positive result with - me. My kids need me.

With my XABF I first detached with love, he didn't like the lack of attention and got even nastier. I asked him to leave the house my kids and I live in. I then detached with caution, stuff the love - that was dying. 3 months ago he withdrew completely and went on a bender that is escalating. A huge long long tantrum. His way or the highway. Incapable of emotion, love couldn't care less.

He gives me the silent treatment, so I don't bother and it goes on for days. I have now walked away, no contact. It has been an escalation of resentment conveniently giving him excuses to drink.

amy55

It was very emotional of me to even start this topic. I am so, I don't know, guess in a way happy that people shared, but also, I am so sorry for what many have gone thru. I think I posted this about 2 days ago. Well, I went down after that. My head was talking to me. All of those damn stupid apologies, or all of those things that, you should just get over it, it was only a joke, I said that 10 minutes ago. why are you still bringing it up? We haven't faught in 2 weeks, (he ran away from home and wouldn't answer his phone). It should be over now. Why are you still b!tching at me? JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY.

He would say this looking at my black eye that he gave me. Would also say just because you have a black eye, do you think that will make me stay with you. I would tell him to leave, and he would tell me that he wasn't leaving, just because that's what I wanted.

I feel soooooo much for anyone who has gone thru this. I am so sorry and I just want to give you ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) and tell you how special you are. Each and everyone of you really are a special person to me. Thank you for sharing your story.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy

ladyscribbler

Thank you. I know that sharing takes a toll. I always hope for two things.
One, that me sharing will be at least a comfort to someone in the same situation as I was, if not a help.
Two, that every little piece of the ugliness I let go of and share will heal me a bit, and in place of that ugliness I can put something like love, or hope or happiness.
This has been a wonderful thread. Thanks to everyone who shared, and special thanks to Ann Marie for having the courage to get the ball rolling.
This is why I stick around SR.

searching peace

I have a question for you. Did any of you go no contact with your abuser? Mine is at the stage of talking about me and spewing garbage and lies about me to family, his friends his co workers,
Etc. So in wondering if I don't talk to him or text him, will he forget about me and stop blaming me and just move on with his life?

healthyagain

IMHO, I do not think he will. Or he will if he finds someone else to blame. When, and if I ever divorce, I plan to go no contact with AH. If you really really do not have to talk to him, why talk/text?

theuncertainty

AXH went through that stage for quite a while with his family and a few mutual friends. It got worse when he found a GF who was willing to let him move into her home. He might still be telling every one what a horrible, lying, money-grubbing, stealer-of-HIS-son, b- I am. IDK.... Actually, if he is telling his co-workers that, it'd be more than he admitted of us when we were married. (I met one of his co-workers once and intro'd myself and DS as AXH's wife and son. The guy was so stunned that he blurted out that he didn't know AXH was married and had assumed the TU and S that AXH talked about occassionally were roommates.) The thing is, the people who matter actually do not believe him, or at least doubt enough to ask me. The ones who believe his lies, I didn't need in my life anyway.

I went as no contact as I could having had a child with him. When he got his visitation rights temporarily rescinded, that actually became more of a real no contact. Being able to limit the contact I had to have with him helped give me the space I needed to really start healing and living again.

theuncertainty

sorry, double post

amy55

How do we move on from this, when we were in it for so long, that any question asked by another person, brings on a trigger. For example, where would you like to go out to eat, and you just freak out. It's the damned if you do damned if you don't thing. You say Italian, he gets pissed, so you say Mexican, he gets pissed, so you say, I don't care, then you aren't telling him what you want.

How does anyone deal with this, when these voices are in their head all the time?

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

healthyagain

Amy, we must live our lives. What happened, happened. Life goes on, and life goes on without them.

And what is worse? When you have such a reaction, but then you can feel a relief thinking, hey he is gone! Ding dong, the witch is dead! Nevermore!

Or, when a neighbour asks you how was your Easter, and you lie to her you made a meal and had a good time, when in reality, you had a sleepless Sunday night/morning and felt like a friggin zombie for the bext three days. There was no meal, no nothing. And the wicked witch is still riding.

So we move on. Time heals.

healthyagain

How did/do you people avoid arguments when being baited? If I refuse arguing and try to lower tensions, he accuses me of not caring enough. And if I engage, well we all know the result. Like the topic of politics, which he knows I hate. So I say (just a casual conversation), "I do not like Hilary but will vote for her." And suddenly, I am a Republican???? To which I say, "I really had a busy day, and really do not feel like discussing politics. Can we have some peace tonight?" And of course, this does not work either. Another wave of accusations comes, and he must have been piling things for quite awhile. You just cannot win, i.e., have a decent evening. And I could not care less about politics!

Well, he said he wold not be banging tonight, so, so far, so good. But I'll be using headphones, just in case.

LexieCat

It helps to have a ready supply of completely non-committal responses: "Interesting." "Huh." "You think so?" You don't try to lower tensions by explaining that's what you're doing, you simply refuse to pick up the rope in the tug-of-war. You don't take the bait. And if he accuses you of "not caring enough," you just say, "maybe not" or "you could be right." Totally blows their game plan, you keep your dignity. You have to be willing to endure a bit of discomfort at first, but the more you refuse to engage, the less they get out of trying.