amy55

I wanted to bring this up tonight, but not really sure what to say. I see so many people coming here that I feel are in an abusive relationship, yet alcohol is being blamed for it. Like if he/she stopped drinking, everything will be OK.

I was verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially abused. Did I leave out any? Religion. I was also told that a wife had a duty to her husband.

I suffer from PTSD because of this. I am not use to not walking on eggshells, even to this day. I was married and living with him for 25 years. Married for 27.

I think verbal abuse almost needs no explanation. Name calling. but it can go further then that.

Emotional abuse ---- the real killer here. There is nothing at all that you can do right, and when you think you got it right, the rules changed. You cook too much, you clean too much, you don't do anything, why don't you get off of your fat ass once in awhile and do something. Meanwhile you are working 8 hours a day, you did cook, you sat down for a minute to take a break. Not to leave housewives out on this. I also know how hard it is to take care of kids all day long. It's just that nothing is ever good enough.

Physical abuse ---- I think I know that many of the physical abuse that I read here happens like in the movies, perhaps some, and for those I truly do feel for you. Mostly physical abuse happens when his other tactics are no longer working. Might start with intimidation first. Punch a hole in the wall, kick a hole in the door, making a fist, verbally threatening it. Pulling a gun.

Financial abuse---- Sometimes we only think about this with the abuser making the money, and we try to buy something with his money. That is true. What some people don't even realize, even if we are earning the money, we are afraid to buy things, and if we do, we hide it in the trunk of our cars till we feel safe enough to bring in that $4.00 shirt we bought.

Sexual abuse ---- Do you ever just have sex so the fight won't start tonight?
That didn't work for me, because I was blamed for not enjoying it so he would got out 2 nights later to get drunk, because it was all my fault.

Does anyone have anything to add?

Also yes, the things we do to try to get away from it all..... Sleeping in cars, going to neighbors, going to motels.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

lucybb

Control is a biggie. Controlling even little things, and you sound crazy for complaining about it. My AH spent the weekend cleaning and moved my chair to the side of the dining room table. Goes through a phase of doing this every so often. I move it back to where I always like to sit - next to my son. Later that morning, my seat has been moved again. I move it back. Before dinner, it has been moved again. I feel like a crazy lady thinking 'aren't I even allowed to choose where I sit in my own home?!?!' Meanwhile, he is so polite, it's nauseating. Like he's so nice and here I am being ungrateful and angry over nothing. No point in saying anything, we've been down this road before and if I say I want to sit here, he glowers and sulks and stomps around. grrrr.... This is one of the reasons I am so done and can't wait until this is over.

amy55

I know, even a positioning of a chair, you try to tell someone, and you feel like you are the crazy one. Thing is, you already know there is no use discussing this because it will end up in a fight.

barelybreathing

My xabf would constantly tell me how I was feeling. If I tried to tell him how I was actually feeling he would hit the roof and then ultimately hit me for daring to tell him he was wrong.

sugarbear1

my ex once hid behind a door for over 45 minutes waiting to scare me (it worked) and would place things in cabinets so that they would fall when I opened the cabinets (I'm 5" tall)......luckily, they missed me.....psychopath, maybe? This topic just brings back way too many horrible memories!

Today I have a kind man in my life.

maia1234

Amy, I feel most women who are on this sight have been "tortured" in some way by there A.

Toward the end of my marriage I started going to hotels, but I didn't have money to do that so mostly I slept the night in my car when my XAH was drunk and wouldn't leave me alone in the house.

I slept in my car about a half dozen times, in our local hospital parking lot. Freezing sometimes, under a light. Turning on the car and heating it up as I didn't always have my coat. Only to get home before the kids got up and with having no sleep. Being busted by hospital security. Lying to them that I had an aunt who had cancer and I was taking a breather in the parking lot. All my lies!!

One time I slept in a nursing home parking lot with my dog. The next morning I hit the local Walgreens to get her a can of dog food and go to the bathroom. My house had a real estate showing at 9 in the morning so I couldn't go home. I went to my kids school and parked in the back of the school to try and get some sleep. (it was Saturday). Some man saw me and called the police as they were worried about me. Of course I am sound asleep and the police women knocked on the window asking if I was ok. Needless to say I started crying to the cop, telling her I had no sleep, and couldn't go home yet. She originally told me to move, but after my story she told me I could sleep there as long as I needed. Sad Huh!!

I look back now at what happened to me over the years and it floors me. It still is very hard to say that I was abused, that what he did to me was wrong. That most women do not have relationships with there spouses like this, and have to leave the home because he is drunk and won't leave you alone, especially in the middle of the night in your pajamas.

All I can say, is that I survived!!!

ladyscribbler

Feeling like you're not allowed to have any privacy. My ex used to read my journals and rant about what I wrote, using it to start fights.
Just recently he requested that I hand over my journal for the custody case. I was upset at first, just because it brought back those memories, but I also knew there was nothing in there that would put me in a negative light.
I also ended up going through my old journals that predated the one he asked for, going back through 2011 when I started journaling. I ended up with 14 typed pages with specific incidents, including dates and details I would never have remembered on my own. I included photocopies of the journal entries. My lawyer was extremely pleased. And I felt like I was getting my power back in a way. I actually kept writing in that same journal I handed over, right up until that day. I thought about starting a new one when I got the request, then I decided I wasn't going to let him use my personal thoughts against me anymore.
Another thing that came up while I was reading through those old journals was sleep deprivation. At least once or twice a month my ex would keep me up all night or wake me at random intervals though the night for several days in a row. Of course he was up too, but then he'd just sleep all day while I dragged around like a zombie trying to take care of kids, cook, clean, go to work. Heaven forbid anyone wake him from a nap, but he could come in anytime during the night screaming and raging and turning on lights. If I tried to play possum he'd drag me out of bed or rip off the covers or go wake up one of the kids to make sure I got up and paid attention to him.
I thought about killing myself a lot. Now I'm glad I didn't. To anyone reading this, lurking or whatever, please reach out for help. You deserve better. No one should have to live that way.

amy55

Barely, You are entitled to your own feelings. I wasn't either, they had to be his feelings. That was when I began to lose "me".

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Duckygirl1

Under emotional abuse- my ex was/is the king of the silent treatment. He can cut you off for a week or more without a word. But go an hour without answering HIS text and its a huge issue. And being compared to other women constantly. I'm 9 years older than him, so when he was mad it was "you're just old and washed up", "no one wants women your age" etc etc. I think this was his weapon because I look significantly younger than my years and he looks so much older. I'm 48, he's 39. But when we met I thought he was about 45 and he thought I was 28. This bugged him to no foreseen end.

amy55

Sometimes I wonder where I went to. Who would I have been, or what could I have done if I wasn't in a relationship like that?

Everyday, worrying about what you did wrong that day, to realize, the only thing you did wrong was to get up. The effects that a relationship like that can have on you is devastating. Putting that mildly.

The hits that we took. The devastating emotional abuse that everything is wrong with us, and the are all good and knowing.

Do you sometimes feel that we are the true survivors?

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

amy55

The damn "silent treatment". How can anything be resolved? Nothing can. pure manipulation. It has to be their way. Or I won't talk to you. My ex was the king of that. Sometimes 2 - 3 months. When he did speak, it was always about what a bitch I was.

healthyagain

I used to be one of those who blame alcohol for everything, but alcohol only lowers inhibition. And this perfectly explains why my husband is ok with something when I talk to him when he is sober, but then at some point when he is under the influence, the beast comes out.

Sometimes I think that there should be a forum for Friends and Family of Abusers. I've always thought that alcohol abuse and spousal abuse are inseparable, and imagine my shock when I learned that not all alcoholics are abusers.

And also, it seems that everybody who comes on here and writes has experienced some form of abuse.

amy55

You all know that I am out of this now. I think it is a good idea to write our experiences for others that are going through this and not recognizing it for what it is.

Few days ago I was on a thread about sleeping in cars, or in the garage just to get away from this stuff.

Abuse is not just about being hit. It's the verbal abuse and emotional abuse that is the most damaging. You begin to doubt yourself, you begin to believe you deserve it. You begin to defend the person who hurt you.

healthyagain

A few days ago, when leaving and turning to say "see you later," I caught this threatening look, kinda saying something through his teeth (effing b*** I can only guess).

And being accused of cheating. Being annoyed on purpose. Like when he knows that I would like to be alone and have some privacy, taking a walk alone or go shopping. He wants to go suddenly, although he hates shopping.

The more I write, the faster I want out. But I must be patient and super careful.

amy55

I am not a saint here. I found out that if I drank I could tell my ex that I wouldn't feel anything if we had sex. It worked for awhile. Truth is he hurt me so much emotionally, I didn't want to have sex with him, had to have an excuse. He was already 2 sheets to the wind, so he bought that one.

Actually this is probably about my progression into drinking. I don't have coping skills, never did, I hope this isn't the wrong place to post this. What protected me when I was married was that I was drinking. I blamed the drinking for the way I was, instead of telling him what I thought of him. I blamed me instead.

I knew I had to get out of my marriage about 20 years before I did leave it. First I drank so he would stay away from me. Then I drank so he could see what he looked like when he came home at 10 or 11 at night. I wasn't an alcoholic then.

I became an alcoholic, when I knew I couldn't deal with things anymore, and I wanted to just numb my feelings, so I could put up with my marriage. I didn't want to know anymore, and I didn't want to feel anymore. Didn't want to go to sleep, but god, did I hate it when I woke up.

There were many times there that I stopped drinking. 18 months at a time. Didn't want to, didn't need it, but I had to keep hearing his voice, that I am now a "saint", or so "higher up" then he is.

Just wanted to shut his "voice" up in my head. Did you ever hear yourself screaming out in your own brain, just "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, GET OUT OF MY HEAD". He wouldn't go away. Always being told over and over how I messed things up, how I didn't do something right.

Wash the floor, don't wash the floor, wash the floor, "you love the floor more then you love me". Only because I looked at the clock when he came home 3 hours late.

Knowing that there was already a war in his head that there was no way that I could win. I taped that fight.

Being blamed for ironing his clothes, because I could have done something more constructive with him, like having sex. I asked him if it stretched that far. He was at work when I ironed. Like 30 miles away.

It was just stupidity like this.

it's the lose/lose situations. sometimes wishing you are dead or don't care if you wake up anymore situations.

amy

sugarbear1

...having a pristine house only to have it wrecked 15 minutes after his arrival and then being told how you don't know how to keep a house clean....

yes, it was brutal and horrendous what we've been through. And we got through it! We are survivors!!

amy55

I think I always need to remember what bought me to this board. I can't blame any of my life for why I drank. I didn't have coping skills. I didn't know what abuse was.

I was 49 before I looked for a forum about DV. I was out of control, and I knew that.

amy

healthyagain

When you cannot even mourn your loved one because being sad for a day or two is long enough.

amy55

I have read all of the posts here. I can empathize with each and everyone. Whatever these guys are saying it is pure projection.

I really do think each and everyone are beautiful.

I also think abuse is a serious subject that needs to be discussed more. We take on so much blame and try to change ourselves so much. Why? Don't we want to be the person that we are? Perhaps a bad way to put that.

IDK, perhaps if others just show samples of how they were abused, so that others can see this. I think thats what I was going for.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

For ex. why did you sleep in the car last night? Why do you hide things in the trunk of your car? Why can't you talk on the phone in the house? Why do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? Why is the garage your favorite room?

amy55

d

My ex and I were separated. He went to Florida with my daughter for her health condition. The Mayo Clinic. I called him to find out how she was doing. He told me people die everyday. I understand.