Jeni26

Thanks all. I am starting to become very mistrustful now. We went out shopping this morning and he persuaded me to buy some new clothes. We had a lovely few hours and he suggested lunch out on the way home. I just didn't see it coming...

Of course, nice bit of clothes shopping and then a meal out IN A PUB! So he starts drinking again over lunch and hands over the car keys for me to drive home.

I'm hurt that he just buttered me up by being nice and had planned the whole thing round his drinking. I understand totally the selfishness and self-centredness of alcoholism, but it doesn't hurt any less. Still, I'm staying over my Mums tonight. It's something I do once a week since my Dad passed last year, and it will be nice to have some space.

tomsteve

I'm not certain, but the way ya type this, is it somewhat a form of minimizing the situation? Making it seem verbal abuse isn't as bad as physical abuse?

I wasn't a physically abusive drunk. I did it with my words and did some serious damage.

NikTes

You're not alone, Jeni. Almost the same situation here. (I've been with my AH for 20 years.) Wish I could offer advice... I need some myself. Keep posting for support. I send hugs.

dandylion

Jeni26....you are an alcoholic in recovery and, I assume, attend AA meetings frequently.
You should be an expert on alcoholism and the typical patterns of behavior, by now.

I am somewhat amazed that you still seem surprised by his behaviors.

dandylion

firebolt

I am glad you will have a peaceful night tonight. Ugg - the selfishness of alcoholism, so much empathy here. Keep taking care of yourself - Alanon might be a good idea, we have a lot of double winners in my group - they are my favorite to talk to . Best to you both!

Jeni26

You would have thought so wouldn't you? Up until now we have either been drunk together or sober together. Yes...I'm pretty expert on alcoholic behaviour, but somehow I never expected it from him. I'm seeing things from a sober point of view and it is very different.

GracieLou

It is different and once you can see the insanity in another, it is hard sometimes to believe we used to be the same way, but there it is staring at us.

It is hard to take manipulation from people that we love and who we feel love us. They don't need to but they do it anyway because that is what they are used to doing and until they get sober the only thing we can do is not play the game.

Carlotta

Absolutely.
Also, my personal experience has been that while I had no problem accepting my own powerlessness over alcohol accepting it in those I loved was a real struggle. On top of that, because we did it, we think they can do it too if they did what we do...hence comes the to manage someone else's recovery (or lack of) based on our own.
There is also that little nagging voice saying:
well, I did it and if he loved me enough and was supportive he would join me. Recovery should be a team activity etc.
Just because someone has first hand knowledge of alcoholism does not necessarily make things easier. Sometimes, it makes things even more difficult.
My suggestion to you Jeni since you are also in AA is to read the materials I sent you and do a first, second and third step over him asap.

Turning it over can be really tough. One thing which worked for me and that I still do for my old friend I am no contact with is that when I do my daily prayer instead of praying that he gets sober, doesn't get hurt etc. I just open my palm and visualize him then I turn him over to his higher power. Sometimes I just say out loud: you take care of him ok?
It is useful for me because it reminds me that I am not in control.

Carlotta

Also SR has a F&F step study group
Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Check it out. You will see that while the steps are the same, the approach is a bit different.

I hope it helps.

Jeni26

Thank you so much Carlotta, you are being so helpful to me.

I will work those steps.

Lenina

((((Jen))) please don't blame yourself. As an alcoholic yourself, you know we are always looking for the main chance to drink again. It's not your fault, he will quit again when he's ready and wants to. He did before, so he knows how to do it.

I quit smoking four years ago. My husband still smokes. Yes, it annoys me and is bad for his health. But it's his business. My recovery is my business. I don't mean that to sound harsh, he doesn't smoke in the bed room but still smokes in the car when I'm in it with him, makes me very irritable!

I'm sure your Hubs is a good man. I know you're a good woman and one I respect a lot! Continue with your recovery, make the best decisions you can slowly after much meditation and consideration. Maybe some short term counseling for the two of you would be helpful?

Love from Lenina

LifeRecovery

Jeni-

I am so glad you posted, and I am glad to see you on this side of the forum.

I am just curious with all you have going on how your self-care is going? Taking care of you?

DoubleDragons

Hi, Jeni. I think there is a bit of "survivor's guilt" when we achieve sobriety and our loved ones don't. I know that I suffer from it. And yes, my thoughts and perspectives on many things have changed 180 degrees since I quit drinking. I almost feel hypocritical at times, but honestly, I am aghast at what I thought was normal during my drinking days.