Duckygirl1

some of you are recovering A's and may have experienced a relapse. I am recovering ED. I was curious to know, when an A feels an urge or craving, where does it start? I know for all of us in some form of recovery it starts in the head, but I mean physically.

I was fighting hard last night and had to talk myself off of the ledge quite a few times. It can get food down fine. It's keeping it down that's a bugger. I start to get this weird twitchy thing in my arms, chest pounding and my face keeps going flush. Highly uncomfortable. My stomach starts to feel twitchy and full even if I've only eaten a small amount. That's when the obsession with getting it out hits. Unfortunately, I do feel better after a purge. The pain and "empty" feeling is distracting.

Last night I was aware that I had been thinking about my xabf and this new gf and how I really hoped that they end up miserable together. Or at least she turns out to be such a train wreck he realizes what he lost in me. Not nice, but that's where I was. I'm ok now. Don't really wish him ill, was just frustrated.

I'm just realizing now that I am aware of the physical symptoms before I am aware of the thoughts even though the thoughts came first. Last night I was able to feel the twitch and flush, step back realize that I'd spent the past 15 min obsessing and grab those thoughts to calm myself down. I've got a long way to go, but I'm better than say 6 months ago. One day at a time, right?

LexieCat

The majority of alcoholics experience physical craving only when they drink. The rest of the time, it's a mental obsession.

The actual withdrawal period is physical, of course, but that part is usually over within a couple of weeks at the most.

It's quite a bit different, I would imagine, from how eating disorders work.

SparkleKitty

Thank you for articulating this today, I really needed it. I consider myself recovered from a specific ED but still struggle with compulsive overeating, and what you said here helped something click into place for me. I strive for mindfulness in recovery, but it's so difficult because - as you also noted - too often, food works. It helps me feel better, albeit temporarily. I wish I had some great insight for you but I mainly just wanted to say thanks and let you know you are not in that struggle alone.

Duckygirl1

Thanks ya'll. it is different Lexie, you're right. Thank you for that insight. I was wondering about this as I was thinking about how my xabf would get twitchy, but that may have been the pills not the booze.

The hardest part of an ED, and I think Sparklekitty you'd agree here, is trying to learn to moderate. Going absent from food or dieting can only make it worse. I don't need wine, but I need to eat at some point.

FeelingGreat

I was able to conquer the wine cravings, but I've never been able to tackle the food cravings for long.
One advantage of becoming sober is that it's possible to eliminate alcohol from your life, but you can't do the same with food, even though I think my former need to drink comes from the same place as my need to eat too much. Some sort of comfort mechanism.
Ducky, I think stress is a big trigger for cravings of any type, with some physical addiction overlaying it.

SparkleKitty

Absolutely. Especially since I spent the last couple of years really learning to understanding alcoholism and the fruitlessness of moderation. I swore off dieting forever last summer and have been in therapy since the fall. I went to a few OA meetings earlier in the year. I have to look at "abstinence" as refraining from bingeing, which for me means eating beyond planned meals and snacks.

Then there is the whole other side of things -- body dysmorphia, cultural and societal ideas of beauty, and most of all, self-acceptance. I have never been in a place in my life with the freedom and willingness to tackle these issues, but in some ways it is so much more complicated than untangling my FOO/ACoA stuff!

Carlotta

Ducky, I don't know if you knew about it but SR has an eating disorder section
Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
One thing which really struck me as an A is that you wrote that
It looks like you are carrying that resentment and that it is really triggering your ED.
I am in AA and we do look at our resentments and our part in it and then make peace with it because resentment is really a big thing when it comes to drinking. It leads to self pity and/or anger which can really trigger the obsession to drink.
I don't know what you are doing for yourself but if you have not seeked helped for recovery, it might be time for you to look into it. Maybe start by doing daily readings or meditation?
I am not doctor Phil but it seems like you are very angry and taking that anger, violence inward toward you. I have "drank at someone" before meaning that I have allowed someone to get so deep under my skin and in my head that I went in self destruct mode rather than process that anger and work on it in healthy ways.

LifeRecovery

Ducky-

I actually think that the behavior in engagement with our addictions look different but the mental obsession/craving/what gets us to that place can be similar.

I was fortunate to be working on my ED stuff when I met, loved and married the problem drinker in my life.

I watched him struggle and turn to alcohol in a similar way that I would struggle but turn to food. For me it tends to be a head game.....

I am struggling right now because I am confronting some big issues in my family that have been there for a long time. I do fine during the day, but once I give myself any little breathing room or let down I get into trouble.

One thing that helped me to get what was going on was body centered therapy stuff (to get OUT OF MY HEAD), and a book called Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson.

Thanks for starting this post.....there are a number of people on this side who have shared how hard food is....and there is better traffic then on the ED side of things.

Duckygirl1

I have looked at the Ed threads. It's very good. I was just wondering about the crossover of it all. I'm doing SMART recovery and a slightly modified 12 steps. I am consciously working on letting go of the resentment. It's too taxing and is hurting no one but myself. It is the biggest trigger no doubt.

Carlotta! You are right on about self destruct mode! I don't cry easy and there are days when I know that if I could just cry it out I'd be fine. That trait I know goes back to the ACoA stuff. I wasn't supposed to make a lot of noise. So I guess what we can't get out, gets turned in.

I'm going to check out body centered therapy. I know there's a bit of body dysmorphia going on. I am constantly sometimes not even realizing it, pinching my arms, legs, back and sides doing the pinch an inch test. So much to learn, so much to let go of! I feel like the old tootsie pop commercial with the owl trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center!