I'm not sure how this story will end.
 

In October I will have been married 25 years. We have had a good marriage and are best friends. There is a lot of love and shared history between us.

We met in a pub and straight away it was obvious we both had 'issues' with drinking. I came from a difficult family dynamic and he offered me a way out of that, plus together, we could offer a sanctuary for my little brother who was still trapped in an often violent and abusive family dynamic. I'm not sure if I truly loved him initially but I was damaged and vulnerable and he had a big heart.

We drank for 22 years. Most of that was happy although I believe our drinking deteriorated into alcoholism for us both at some point. We had 2 lovely kids and they have grown into fantastic young adults.

In May 2012 I gave up drinking and he followed me soon after and the past 2 years have been the happiest ever. It was difficult at first, we'd both drunk for a long time, but somehow we re-connected in a way I'd never thought possible.

Then I relapsed at Christmas and he followed. I drank every couple of weeks to blackout whereas he seemed to be able to moderate. I have stopped again, it's been a little less than 3 weeks, but I feel totally re-committed to sobriety. I've re-worked the steps and am attending meetings at every opportunity again.

He on the other hand has begun that slow decline backwards and it is breaking my heart to watch. He is a good kind man who turns into a loud belligerent drunk, and it's happening more and more often.

I feel such guilt and sadness. I am absolutely certain that if I hadn't drunk again, he wouldn't have picked up either. I can't turn the clock back. I have told him how his drinking affects me but he is totally in denial. He drank on the way home from work today, when he finished at lunchtime, and is still drinking now at 9 pm.

I know he won't quit again, he has told me as much. I'm at a loss in how to deal with this. Detach with love is what my sponsor advises, but he is my life partner and none of his actions are meant to hurt me.

I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong forum, but I'm having to look at travelling a distance to reach my nearest al-anon meeting and I could do with some advice. Hope that's ok.

I have no words of wisdom here. But, I am sorry for your struggles and want you to know that you are absolutely in the right forum

Thank you happybeingme.

My heart so goes out to you.

It just reminds me how incredibly fragile sobriety is and how in a heartbeat your world can fall apart all over again.

I have no words of wisdom. My story is too different from yours to even try to compare. Just know that you are not alone and you are in my thoughts as you try to make some sense of this.

Detaching isn't meant to punish him, it's just to keep you from an unhealthy involvement with his drinking behavior. He is responsible for his own relapse, just as you are responsible for your own sobriety. Your drinking may have given him an excuse, but it isn't the reason.

Al-Anon can be a great help. If you haven't been, I think it would work very well with your AA recovery.

I hope you will protect your own sobriety at all costs. I don't know what "loud and belligerent mean," but if you are talking about abuse, you need some help dealing with that.

Hugs,

Jeni,

My heart goes out to you. make sure to get support

Loud and belligerent...yes, it is abusive but not in a physical way. Argumentative, opinionated, full of hurtful criticisms. Mostly this is done in a joking way often in front of an audience. It seems as though he forgets all boundaries and it becomes excruciatingly embarrassing for me and others who witness it.

He can be angry too but this is less frequent and only in blackout. Again not physical but he shouts, makes unreasonable accusations and becomes demanding sexually.

And I've never admitted that to anyone before. It seems so disloyal.

Hi Jeni,

Hugs to you. :hug: His actions may not intend to hurt you, but they do. The onus is unfairly placed on you to make decisions that are in the best interests of yourself, your husband, as well as the relationship. I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing this at this time. Can you ask him to stay with a friend, or elsewhere so you can have room to breathe? Would his alcoholic behavior and self-destructiveness be repeated elsewhere?

I truly am sorry if this is not helpful. Both my husband and I are both pieces of work desperately in need marriage counseling. :hug: You are most definitely not alone.

Thank you Verte. I don't want him to move out. His behaviour would be the same elsewhere I'm pretty sure of it. This is his home as much as it is mine.

I am finding I'm doing more on my own right now. I've booked to go away on a weekend meditation retreat and am driving up to Scotland and doing a bit of travelling on my own too.

I don't want to hurt him but home life is getting claustrophobic and it helps me to get out to meetings.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see how this will play out.

Thanks for your words, and I hope your marriage will settle down for you too.

Jeni26....do you really need a crystal ball to know that he will get worse?

dandylion

No. I know that much to be true. I can see it happening already. But what I don't know is what it will do to us, to our marriage, our partnership. We've been together a long time and faced many things side by side. This though...this is different. I feel totally helpless.

Jeni it sounds like you are blaming yourself for your husband's relapse. A recovering alcoholic can relapse at any time if they don't look after their recovery. As they say in alanon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's a progressive disease I'm sure you know, that progresses whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I know it's really hard, I'm a recovering addict who has just spent a couple of years with a drinking alcoholic and so many times I just wished I could make him see that meetings work, that life is good sober. At least your husband knows that and may come back to it. Do you go to alanon? It can be a huge help.

My husband has never set foot in an AA meeting and says he never will. He doesn't believe he's an alkie...just someone who gets himself into a bit of a mess when he drinks. He doesn't believe I am one either.

He's happy for me to attend meetings if I want to. And yes...I definitely DO blame myself for this. If I hadn't have picked up, he wouldn't have either.

no, Jeni.

refresh your memory - and drop that guilt.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-has-come.html

D

Jeni....you say this as if it is written stone.
At any rate, I sounds like he was only white-knuckling. White-knuckling is virtually guranteed to relapse...sooner or later.

If you were powerful enough to cause him to drink...wouldn't you be powerful enough to get him to stop?......lol!

dandylion

Thank you all so much. Dee...I had completely forgotten that. He did buy the beer first. Not that it really makes a difference...we had already talked about it and the seed had been planted.

But he drank of his own free will of course. God...I so needed to re-read that thread. He is his own person, he makes his own decisions. It was as though he couldn't wait for me to show him the green light.

Anyway it's a new day and that brings a new start. He is off work and we had made plans to go shopping for a new fireplace. He will no doubt be hungover but hopefully our plans will still go ahead. If not, I will go out and do it on my own.

This is such a weird feeling. I am so strong and positive about my own sobriety but beyond sad about our future.

Thank you all for your replies. X

None of us knows for sure what the future holds jeni - this time last year I could not have imagined the changes that have happened to me over the last 12 months.

Try not to let fear swamp you :hug:

D

Travel and grow in your sobriety. Perhaps he will follow your path in time.

Peace.

Um you don't know that. If he was not in a recovery program then the chances that he would relapse were very, very high.

If your choice to drink is why he chose to drink you need to think again. Because if that were true, if you were indeed that powerful, then when you chose to stop he would have stopped too.

Blaming yourself is going to start a cycle that will only intensify the situation. Guilt is a terrible decision maker.

It sounds like you need to lay down some boundaries for yourself. Sorry for this situation it sounds like you have a great marriage minus the alcohol.

Hi Jeni26,

You say that you are absolutely certain that if you hadn't drunk again he wouldn't have. I appreciate it must feel like that, however I question whether that is something you can be absolutely certain of. From what I have learned about alcoholism and addiction there are very few certainties, relapse is common and we cannot think we caused the actions of another.

You could have abstained and he may still have picked up again, there is no way to know.

However it IS his choice, just as your sobriety is your choice.

It seems like holding on to the though that he would not have drunk if you didn't is torturing yourself. And that will not help anyone.

Sending love.